I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Hey Ladies,
OK, I thought when I picked my BP, I avoided the friends of mine that I know would cause trouble, but I didn't do an excellent job.

OK - I have 8 girls trying to plan my shower.
1 girl couldnt make it b/c she lives in Florida and is pregnant, her due date is a month 1/2 before the wedding, so it interferes w/the shower. She didn't think she had to help PLAN or PAY for the shower since she couldnt make it.
I was p-d 0ff, and told my sis that she HAS to help regardless of whether or not she can show up.
My sis relayed that info to her and fine - she is paying, but hasn't been much help, but that's understandable to me since she's due in another month 1/2.

NOW - 2 more girls here in NY are arguing back and forth w/my sis and My Matron.
One of those girls is my Maid of Honor.
One is a BM. BOth are very very good friends.

The shower is set for a specific date, and the BM 3 weeks after they booked the place and put a deposit down, says she can't get the day off of work. So now she refuses to pay, but claims she wants to be included, she argued with my sister, which to me is a big no-no, as I'm very sensitive about my family.
The MOH is p-d off b/c she is also good friends w/the BM. She says she'll still be a part of this but she's angry and has attitude w/the other girls.

I;m at my wit's end, stressing out, etc...............
I already know what I'm saying to the MOH - whatever her feelings are about the BM to stay out of her argument. This shower is for ME, not the other BM. Either she stay out of it, or peace out.
Now, what do I do about the BM?
I always said the BP (all of them) have a responsibility to help w/the shower even if they can't come, like I did w/the pregnant BM.
So to me the 2nd BM needs to get off work, or whatever, but no matter what, should be helping the rest of the BP.

Am I wrong for this way of thinking?
And, if not, how do I handle the situation?

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

I don't think your wrong, HOWEVER, I also don't think its fair that you are part of all the drama that is going on either. Lay the law down and then step back. You have enough other stress going on in your life and don't need this, nor do I think you should know any of this. I think that anyone in the BP has a resp. to help pay whether or not they are coming.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

I am afraid for once I'm kind of lost for advice. But I will say you should ask them why they feel it is fair to shoulder some of the girls with the cost and not the others. OK maybe she really can't get off of work but that does not excuse her from her responsiblity. She should still contribute but time and money wise. There are favors, invitations she could do if she can not attend the actual day.
I'm sorry you are going thru this. When I read posts like this I worry about what will happen with some of my girls. You are not wrong.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

I totally agree with you about the BM and their responsibilities. I'm sorry that they are stressing you out. But I also agree with Debbie. Don't be part of the drama. So many grown women should be able to organize this shower FOR you without you. I was in a wedding in which the MOH and I organized and paid for the shower ourselves. The other 3 BMs including her cousin, SIL and college roommate did not contribute a dime. It wasn't fair but we never said a word to the bride because it was not her responsibility to organize her own shower. I wanted her to have a nice shower so I didn't even care about the money. If you leave them alone, they will work it out. You have enough to worry about.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Thanks ladies. I feel the same way. I know when I speak to her today I will tell her it's still her responsibility. I just don't know what I will do if she flat out refuses.
The usual 'me' would kick her out of the BP. BUt she really is a very good friend, which is why I'm at such a loss, and I Can't believe she's acting like this. As for the MOH, who's upset w/the rest of the BP, I personally don't think she's acting like a MOH.
Sidebar: I'm suppossed to be a BM in her wedding in August of this year too.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

My MOH has been keeping me in the loop on all the BP drama, and here's how she is handling everything

- she reminds people who the shower is for
- she insists that there will be no drama and that as the MOH she calls the shots
- she refers anyone who disagrees with their role to theknot.com (I'm sorry to promote it) section on BM roles.

You should not have to be involved. I know things get messy when $$ is involved, and too many cooks are in the kitchen

Your MOH needs to take the stress off you, and solve these issues with the BP herself. My first impression is that these girls need to know who is in charge, and know what their responsibilities are. That should come from the MOH.

Sorry you have to go thru this Liz

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Liz - sorry to hear they have even mentioned this to you! The other ladies are right. Give you MOH the heads up that She Needs To Take Charge and leave you out of it. All you should have to do for your shower is show up and enjoy the day.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Liz everyone else said it perfectly. Let the MOH handle it. I am so sorry you have to go through this so close to the wedding. It will all work out in the end.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Liz- so sorry honey!
I know it's so hard not to be stressed. All I can say is 'women'!!! Sometimes, I don't get us myself.
The SAME EXACT THING happend to my cousin. Difference was, I was the only one planning and no one else did anything for her. I never said a word, b/c I was happy to do it- but another BM felt differently, she felt that I was 'bossy'. (haha) anyway, to make a long story short, my cousin got involved and I was P.O'd beyond belief. The last thing a bride to be should be involved in is her shower. Isn't the point of it to 'shower the bride' with love and gifts (love first!) I really suggest (as the other's already have) that you just talk to your MOH and let her know that she's got to handle this. Plus, if anything else should happen, please don't tell you about it. Every BM should NOT be saying anything about $$$ at all. If they agreed to be in your BP, they knew what it entailed from the beginning, regardless if they can attend the shower or not.

Keep your chin up! You've got so much to look forward to

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

I agree with Debbie, why are you involved in this? It's just making you feel worse!! I'm so sorry you are going through this... I'm sure it will all work out... Sorry, I wish I had advice to give you....



PS - this is exactly why I told my brother's g/f last night to have 1 MOH and 1 BM! This way she could avoid all of the drama we're going through! I feel you're pain Liz!

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

I have 2 girls that are out of state. My Matron is in FL and I have a BM in NJ. Both are quiet eager to help out in any way they can. I guess I am lucky on that. But I told them both when it comes time for my shower I understand if you cant help out (looking at locations, getting decorations, etc...) but i do want you there. I will be deeply hurt if you are not there.

I think its your shower and those girls are in your bridal party need to be more sensitive to your feelings and be helping each other out. I understand out of state ones dont know places in NY but there are other ways to help out and they should.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

They are all adults and I told the MOH to handle any and all BP drama, it is not fair to you, all they have to worry about is one thing you have the rest of the entire wedding to plan. I think you need to tell them you do not want to hear anything else. If the one BM cannot make it the show must still go on. Try not to let them stress you out. They are grown folx and should be able to work together for you if just for one time. sheesh. Keep your end out of it. Running to you is childish and inconsiderate of you. My BP was the best and that is why I love them so. They were there for me to keep me sane, not add to the madness. You need to give all of them a good talking to about their attitudes.

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Sheesh Liz, I hate that you are even involved in this! And I 'ditto' everything everyone else has said....

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

Liz - sorry to hear you have been given the inside scoop on all the BP drama!!!! You shouldn't even have to hear it!
When you talk to your MOH today, tell her you are not be involved from this point on and they are to figure it out between themselves....

YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT!

Good Luck

Re: I need advice on BP drama asap..............(long)

I agree with DEBBIE, you should not have knowledge of this WHATSOEVER, you are the bride and should be out of this completely!! you have enough to worry about.

The same drama happened to me, one BM couldn't stand the other BM and she made it a point to tell me every chance she could get..it was not called for, not during the planning, I feel if she wanted to vent AFTER THE WEDDING then fine. Good Luck and keep your chin up!