Is this completely wrong of me?

OK - I obviously feel bad about my thoughts or else I would not post - so please provide objective advice.

I have 4 BM - 3 of them are out of town and 1 lives locally. Now 3 of them have been working for months on my bridal shower and bachelor party, and I have heard that one of the girls never responds to any of the emails ever. So I have tried to chat with her about this, but in her defense she did not care for all these deatils at her wedding. Also, she is not planning on coming to my bridal shower or bachelorette party b/c she lives out of town and has a 1 year old baby so I think she does not feel invested to plan. I guess that is besides the point, what is the point is that the other 3 girls have worked really hard and are splitting the costs of the events with no support of the 4th bridesmaid. I was thing as a gift I would offer to pay for either their hair or make-up for all of their efforts planning this weekend extravaganza - do you think I am being fair to the 4th girl?

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I think what you're doing is fine. You're thanking them specficially for their efforts, which she did not put in. Or to just be the better person, pay for it for all the BMs and let them know it's to thank them for all of their help. That way she's the one who will know you're being kind to her even thought she couldn't be bothered.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I agree, maybe you could do a little something extra as a gift for the other 3, but not something as blatanly obvious as "We're all getting our hair done and you're not"

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I don't see anything wrong with hair and makeup for the 3, but not the one. If that one girl can't be bothered to help out, then she shouldn't get financial help from you.

I have 3 girls and only 1 is helping me much so I'm paying for her hair and makeup, while hte other two will have pay for one or the other. And I'm also buying all their dresses and a gift for all of them.

Sometimes you want to be fair, but being fair to all is NOT being fair to the 3 girls who helped you the most. They are doing al the work so reward them accordingly.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I totally understand wanting to do something extra for the 3 ...

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

All I meant was, she could do something extra for the three without making the 4th feel bad...

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I do not want to be mean - I really do love my 4th BM and understand her point of view. I do however want to recognize the other girls and I know they are spending a ton of money. I hope it would not be completely obvious because I am only paying for one or the other (hair OR make-up) and some of the girls are choosing to do both so it will look like they are paying for both. Perhaps if I collect the money beforehand and stuff the 4th girl will not be aware?

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I completely understand what your saying. I would want to do the same thing if I were you. If you want to do it discreetly, maybe just give the 3 of them the heads up when the 4th isn't around but mention to them it's to show gratitude for their extended efforts and to keep it on the DL. That's what I would do, strictly for political reasons. Who needs hurt feelings on the big day, ya know?

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

Well i tend to agree with you regarding your 4th bridesmaid! What a little sh*t!!!! There is no excuse!

For my FSIL bachelorette party, i could not go to it, but i still put in my share of the money. It's only right!!! If money is a factor, than she shouldn't have said yes to being in your party. Nowadays i think everyone knows that if you are in someone's bridal party... you're going to have to spend a lot of money. I would definitely do something for the 3 of your BM's who don't totally s*ck!!!

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

If she was not able to contribute as much as the other girls, she still should have contributed what she could or at least made it to the shower.

But it is a tough situation. My BM's are all college students and aren't makeing real $$$. They weren't able to afford to throw me a shower. My mom knew this, without having to even think about it, and threw me the shower herself with help of course from the girls with balloons and other little things. One of my BM's, my cousin, wasn't even at my shower b/c she had a field hockey tournament. I was upset b/c I felt bad she wasn't able to make it but I understood. I knew she would have been there if she could.

It is very hard today financially and time wise for people. To me, it is enough just to have my BM's there next to me the day of my wedding. They bought there dresses and help out in any way they can. That is all I can ask of them. I don't feel I can expect any more than what they are able to do.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

Totally fine!

One of my BM dropped out about 3 weeks before the shower, but still sent a check to cover her share of the shower. I felt bad taking it, and the other girls agreed. We didn't take it. Another BM couldn't make the shower at all and I said I'd pay for her share. The other BM said no.

The reason I'm telling you this is that my girls did different things for me and I did different things for them. No one needs to know. I paid for one girl's dress and another one's hair. It's all about being discreet.

BTW: All my BM were from OOT

Message edited 4/24/2006 12:30:14 AM.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

Is it just me, or does anyone else get the feeling that many (not all) brides think being a BM is purely a financial responsibility? I understand, there are some things BM's are expected to pay for, but why does it always have to be so expensive? For example, if you know someone in your wedding party is having financial problems, and you want everything to be perfect and expensive - DON'T ask them to be a BM!! On the other hand, if it's more important for you to have the people closest to you standing up for you on one of the most important days of your life (which in MHO is the meaning of a BM), there are PLENTY of ways to make weddings affordable for EVERYONE! It really depends on what is more important to the bride...

Message edited 4/24/2006 8:14:07 AM.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I think that's an unfair statement. I've been in 4 weddings and in every single one of them... i've spent a total of $1000 on each one (you have the dress, shoes, hair, nails, bridal shower, bachelorette, travel expenses & monetary gift for the actual wedding). Having my BM's in my wedding is very important to me and i would be so upset if some of them couldn't do it for financial reasons. But the key factor here is... i'm paying for my wedding. So i cannot afford to pay for someone's dress or hair or anything else since i'm already paying $40,000. So i'm just confused here because how do you make being a BM affordable to everyone? What ways can you possibly make it cheaper for them (other than hair & nails)? I love my BM's and most of them i've been friends with for many many years. But i cannot afford to shell out $150 for this ones dress, $60 for this ones hair, or anything else because all those things add up. Now if your parents are paying for the wedding... than okay. It wouldn't be a big deal to pay for this or that to have them in your wedding party. JMO. Did that make sense?

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

You have the exact issue as I do!!! i also have 4 BM's and only 3 have planned everything, the 4th ( my sister in law to be) could care less and she live in NYC. I am paying for their makeup and not the fourth. I agree that these 3 girls love you and really did so much for you. You should always reward those that do right by you.

Good for you!

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I think it's better to put the onus on the friends to say yes or no to being asked to be in the bridal party. EVERYONE knows that it costs a lot to be in a bridal party (I agree with that thousand amount, between the dress, shoes, bridal shower, hair, makeup, gifts, etc. That's what I've spent in the past), and it's not fair to the other BM's if one wants to try to get away with not paying for anything. I don't think a bride should NOT ask a friend because she thinks she won't be able to contribute monetarily... that's kind of insulting to assume a friend can't afford to be in a bridal party, and then the friend will be hurt that they weren't asked. I think the bride should ask everyone she wants to honor by asking, and then it's up to each girl if it's financially doable for them.

I really don't think it's fair of your fourth girl to not be paying anything. She shouldn't have agreed to be in it. Therefore, if you know for a FACT that she's not ponying up like the other girls are, I don't think you have to hide doing something special for the ones that put more into your happiness.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I understand where you are coming from, but I don't think it's about the money. My BM's didn't have a lot of money, so they threw my shower in a community room for $100 and decorated the place beautifully. I think it was the best party I have ever been to. Being a BM IMO, means being supportive to the Bride. I have made it a point to have the girls spend as little as possible. This weekend, I threw the bachelorette party at my house so that they wouldn't have to shell out more money. I think that Brides are hurt when the people they thought would stand by them, can't be bothered.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

It is not about the money. Sadly, my 4th bridesmaid has not even responded to any of the emails. I think I would feel differently if she had contributed in some way (not necessarily financially). If she did then I would not have any isuues, but at this point she really has not played any role. I am not trying to punish her or make her feel bad, what I want to do is recognize the girls that are putting a lot of effort towards these events. I know for those 3 money is an issue (2 are traveling far distances and the other is having a wedding 1 month after me) so I thought it would be a nice gesture to give the $$$ support with regards to hair/make up which I know they would like.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

How is my statement unfair? I specifically said
"many (not all) brides ", and if you know someone in your wedding party is having financial problems, and you want everything to be perfect and expensive - DON'T ask them to be a BM!! I am paying for my wedding myself too, which is why I told my BM's to do what they can afford. Some of them have money, some don't (my MOH just had her 5th child). IMHO, if my girls can't or don't want to spend money to get their hair, nails and makeup done, it won't matter one bit to me. I just keep seeing post after post about BM's and money... it makes me wonder is all.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I know what you mean, my sister is one of my BM's and she never calls anyone or responds to emails either...

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

Yeah my FH's cousin is a BM and she's the same way. Sometimes, this just happens. Is it disappointing... of course! Some people just aren't interested in the details, events, or being involved. Some people are too busy with their own lives, plus if they don't live in the area... out of sight, out of mind. (at least that's what i've been told)

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

i dont think its wrong......obviously all of the little things that matter to you dont matter to her so im sure she wouldnt care about hair and makeup either!

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

i agree

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

I agree with you!!!! The 4th girl should help because she cares about you and your day! Why should she be rewarded for doing nothing?
XOXOXO
Kitty
Kitty

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

Obviously you picked this person to be a BM because they have impacted your life and mean something to you. But it's not like she would know if you paid for the other 3 and not her if that's what you want to do. I am a MOH for my sister and I can't tell you how annoying all the bridal party emails are back and forth, I don't respond to half of them. Doesn't mean I don't love my sister or care about her or her wedding, some people have other things going on other than your wedding.

Re: Is this completely wrong of me?

What it comes down to is the 4th may feel slighted and hurt that you are doing something for 3 and not all 4 of the BM's.

Is the extra money really worth hurting the one BM?

If you do something extra special for the other 3, make sure that the 4th doesn't find out.