Thank you card question

For those of you who've had guests at your wedding who didn't give you a gift....do you send them a thank you card for attending your wedding? Part of me feels they should send ME a thank you for attending a "free" party that goes for $85 a person! Unreal!
What would Ms. Manners suggest?!

Re: Thank you card question

In a flurry of responding tonight .. I just wrote on another thread:

"...it's still wrong for someone to go to such an event and not bring at least a little something, however, I think it's also wrong to sit and figure that each plate costs X amount of money, and the guests should be providing a gift of similar value. The idea of a wedding is not to have the guests cover the costs (nice thought), it's about sharing and celebrating the day with those you love."

If people show a lack of class, don't stoop to their level .. thank them for sharing in your day.

But that's just me .. maybe Ms. Manners would say something else.

Re: Thank you card question

I did not send thank you cards to anyone that atteded the wedding and did not give us a gift.

Our favors was our thanks to our guest for attending the wedding. I cannot hold anyone to giving us a gift but I think its a shame when family and close friends come to your wedding eat more than anyone else and party harder than anyone else and did not even have the decency to bring a card to wish the newlyweds congrats. I think it would be redundant to do so..This would be encouraging a bad behavior. This is my opinion tho' so take it for what its worth.

Re: Thank you card question

I did the same thing Shamma did. I didn't expect anyone to cover their plate, because my reception hall (like all halls on LI required their final payment two weeks prior to the event), therefore I covered all my guest's plate plus tax and gratuities. If they were tacky enough to come to my celebration w/out a card or gift, my favor to them, which I also paid for, was their thank you for sharing in my special day.

Re: Thank you card question

I agree with Shamma...the fact that they did not give a card was the worst part...thats when it comes down to...thought and effort...

now after 2 months...the gifts do seem "meaningless"(whether or not people gave us something)...I did send thank yous to family that traveled (albeit from CT, but still they travelled)

Re: Thank you card question

I think that if someone attended your wedding and shared in your love and happiness on your wedding day, they deserve a thank you card. Where is it written that someone must give you a card or a gift in order to be appropriately thanked??

I am really growing so tired of hearing women say that they didn't send a thank you to someone who attended their wedding. It's so rude! When you mailed your invitations, did you state some sort of condition that said a guest would have to bring a gift in order to gain admittance to the party?? I should hope not!

Perhaps the guest had some circumstance that you are not aware of, which made them unable to produce a wedding gift. At least they didn't blow off your special day altogether. Be a gracious bride and send a sincere note thanking the person [or people] for witnessing your marriage

Re: Thank you card question

We did not send thank you cards for people who did not give us a gift. I agree with Shamma that the favors are the gift for coming and sharing--not to mention you get to thank them for coming to the wedding at the recieving line, at the reception...etc.

I really think it is the thought that counts. Even a card would be nice---but to show up to a wedding and not give anything- I think is rude. I completely understand that people cannot afford much these days- which is fine but it is about the thought. You thought enough to want these people to share in your special day with you and they bring nothing.

That's just my opinion.....I would never show up at a wedding with nothing.....

Re: Thank you card question

We actually had guest(his side of family) show up for the first part of the wedding, and then left. It was a cousin of Jay's and he does not get along with his mother, so they got into a fight, and the cousin left with his date, and I didnt get anything from them. I didnt send them a thank you card. I think what they did was rude

Re: Thank you card question

I had two guests not give either a gift or a card. But, I still sent thank you cards to them, and simply said something like "thank you for sharing in our special day with us". (It might remind them that they didn't give a gift.)

Re: Thank you card question

Grant me a little freedom on what I'm about to say .. and please don't anyone take offense to this .. but speaking from my own experience and from what I myself also said about "even just a simple card would suffice" .. If everyone did leave cards, with some being empty, how many of us would genuinely think the "simple card" was sweet (since it's the thought that counts) and not think the person or couple was being cheap?

Re: Thank you card question

I for one would have appreciated a card, at least I know you thought of us and took the time to get us a card. We got cards that were empty, we appreciate those. We saved every last one. Like Natasha said its not a matter of covering the cost of the plate b/c we had to do that before the big day.

My disappointment is not even with regular guest, I am disappointed with family, especially aunts, sisters and brothers who did not assist in any way shape or form, They did not attend the showers, they came to the wedding, and did not give a gift or a card....no matter what anyone says this is my opinion, it is rude and I am disappointed.

The least they could have done is give the couple a card of acknowlegement.

Re: Thank you card question

Absolutely, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I'm not trying to change anyone's mind. I totally agree that it is rude of people not to at least bring a card .. I was just being sort of a devil's advocate against what I myself had said about how a simple card would have been appreciated when I said that simple card could be viewed as "cheap."

But as for people (and this is not everyone) who expect plate costs to be covered by guests .. sure, the reception has to be paid for in advance .. I think they all do it that way .. but if people are expecting to get their plate costs covered, then they're expecting to get the money right back in a couple of weeks as reimbursement .. so in the end, these people are thinking (expecting) they're covered.

Re: Thank you card question

I sent thank yous to guests who did not bring gifts. Some gifts came after the thank yous, in which case I sent another note.

Even without the gift, I thought it was appropriate to thank the guests for celebrating with us - especially those that travelled long distances to do so.

None of our family came without gifts, but we had a number of friends. Some of them flew in from California and that was gift enough. That expense was more than any gift they would have given.

Its the couple that didn't show up and never bothered to explain why until we contacted them weeks later that I can't forgive. No gift came from them either.

Re: Thank you card question

I also sent thank you's to everyone, whether they gave a gift or not. My feeling is that their presence(not presents) was their gift to us. We did have 2 guests who gave no card or gift. But they came. They shared in our day and we have such happy memories that it really doesn't matter. Yes we spent a lot of money entertaining them, but they didn't ask us to. We invited them not the other way around. Be grateful they shared in your day and move on.

Re: Thank you card question

I am not saying that you should not thank your guest for attending your wedding. What Shamma and I are saying is that we feel that our favor was a thank you to everyone for attending our wedding. In my case, my favor was wrapped as gift and a label was attached saying thank you for sharing our day. Our favor was given to everyone regardless of whether they bought a gift/card or not.

Re: Thank you card question

A good friend of ours was laid-off 2 days before our wedding...I can't tell you how touched I was when I opened an envelope with his card...no gift...what really got me..is that he doesn't buy cards...but hands someone money...maybe he'll put it in an envelope...

So his card did mean a lot to us...

Re: Shamma!!! You are right

I couldn't of said it better myself, I did the same thing. Thanks....for what?????

Re: Claude2001 - Everyone has the right...

To express their opinions on this board and if you are "growing tired" of hearing people not send cards and you think it was rude, then I take offense to that because I must be the rudest person on earth. I DID NOT , I repeat DID NOT send thank you cards for people that did not give anything, I'm not talking a monetary gift per se I am talking NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH! I was raised a certain way like all these ladies on this board and I consider all my friends and family intelligent enough or have should I say.."enough class" to at least give the bride and groom their good wishes in a card. And for all the ladies like yourself that DID send thank you cards to the "non-gift givers" that was your choice and I would not look down on it one bit, so I think you could of gone a little easy on the brides that expressed their own opinion as to what they did without putting the down the rest of us.

Re: Wendy - Everyone has the right...

Wendy I have moved on, but I think this is an area I am entitled to express my opinion and my feelings on what happened. You have your opinion and so does everyone else. Thank goodness. I did thank guest who travelled from out of state or out of country. I don't think anyone should have to justify their reasoning on why they did or did not send THANK YOU CARDS. It was our decision and no one here should let anyone feel like they were wrong in the decision that they made.

I feel very good about the decision that I made and my hubby even said to me honey you do not have to justify yourself. On this board where we are supposed to come and be able to express our OPINIONS, sometimes people here make you feel as if their opinions is the only valid one. Think about what you write before you write it.

Re: Thank you card question

Just getting to thank you's as I just got married on 9/14...I did not have any guests not give a gift. Actually, I was in tears opening our envelopes because people gave us so much...a few people who could not afford it. I am stunned to see all the brides who did not even receive a card from an attending guest. I didn't know this was done!

I did get one strange gift, which is the talk of my immediate family: a Yankee candle Christmas candle with blue Santas on it from a cousin who didn't attend. This cousin likens herself to Miss Manners, so I was a bit stumped on that one. I decided to send a thank you card telling her we would think of her every Christmas we put it out, although Richie says he will not display blue santas! Had to laugh at that one. Actually, I laugh harder thinking of Richie's face when we opened the gift, after opening Tiffany bowls and vases...he tried to be gracious and say how nice it was, but I knew he hated it! Oh Well.

My dilema: I don't want to wait to send out the picture Thank Yous from the Photographer, as I wanted to get the thank yous out this week...do I use the informals, or regular Thank You notes? I have both, but am unsure about the ettiquette.

Re: Thank you card question

I just got married last month. We had two couples
(from his side of course) not give us anything. That is four people. I did not expect anyone to cover their plates at my wedding. We got married on a saturday night and paid top price for our dinners and it was a little more of an expensive place than alot of other places I know of. The fact that someone cant even give a card, I really cannot understand. Even a small token of a thought would of been nice. You go to birthday parties in homes and give gifts. That was a full night of dinner, cocktail hour, dancing and drinking. I would never do that to anyone! I havent crossed the thank you card bridge yet, but wanted to share my thoughts. Did anybody else have alot of people who didnt even give a card? It really is amazing!

Re: Thank you card question

Cindy: That is all of hubby's family..only his mom and one of his sisters gave anything or a card...he is # 11 of 11 and they were all there and nothing. Oh one of his brothers who could not make it from the caribbean even sent us something and a card...what does that say for the rest of them???

Diane, when you get the ones from your photographer are you going to send out another set??? why don't you just wait, most people will be expecting to see a pix of the happy couple, etiquette states you have up to 3 mos I believe...don't give yourself double work.

Re: Thank you card question

Diane-
I agree with Shamma96 about not doubling your work (or postage) with the ty cards. If you are planning on sending out pics and want to get a jump on it, write all the cards out and have them ready to go so you can just slip the picture inside. If you are going to send the pic with the cards the photographer provides, ask them to give you the cards so you can start them. Photographers usually have a quick turnaround time with the ty pics too (unless you & DH are having trouble picking which pose to order ). We got formal thank you cards when we ordered our invitations but I chose to use the photographer's cards - it was easier and the formal thank yous have been useful for non-wedding situations since (they were blank inside with our names on the front.)
Hope this helps.

Re: Thank you card question

Thanks for the replies about the TY card question....I feel like I should have had them in the mail already for some reason! I would like to get some use out of the ones from the photographer...I guess I will wait.
Thanks again!

Message edited 9/23/2002 11:38:09 PM.