What to do about the STIFFERS?

Ok girls I need your help. WE had 4 stiffers at the wedding.....actually 7 in total when you count the guests they brought (3 stiffers brought dates).....Ok so here is the best part of all......5 of those stiffers were family members (on my husband's side of course). Now we already spoke to him mom and she wont say anything (which I can't understand why...its her friggin cheap a$$ family). So anyway, I would like to call them and say something but I'm not sure how to word it. I just feel like if they had balls enough to come and bring a date and not even have the decensy to give a card then I can have the same set of balls to call them on it. Oh and it even gets better.......on my wedding day my husband's aunt calls me to ask if her son who originally responded no can come (he's 28) so I sad fine I'll call the hall and add him on....so 1 hour before I am ready to leave for the church I am on the phone adding this jerk on.....and could you believe he was a stiffer too. Now not only did I have to go nuts to add him on at the last minute....I had to pay for that loser at the end of the night too....his sister and her date were also stiffers as where his other aunt and date. The other two stiffers gave us a card saying our gift is on the way/.....well hello I'm still waiting.... So anyway, back to my original question...what should I say when I call the stiffers? Sorry this is long...I have been holding this in for three weeks and needed to vent. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE????????

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

I had a few. I got stiffed from the ones that live out of state. It makes me mad too But what are you going to do. It happens

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

As much as we all resent those guests that didnt even bother to get us a card to wish us well...there really isnt much you can do about it.

Technically, a guest is not required to give you anything. Gifts are always optional. And even when a gift is appropriate, guests have up to 1 YEAR after the wedding to give you a gift.

I know that the people who gave me nothing will not be getting me anything today, at the one year mark or 20 years from now. But thats okay - b/c now I know what type of people they are and the cost of knowing someones true character was worth the expense IMO.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Maybe it wouldnn't bother me that much if it was a friend or a co-worker...but since it is family that really ****es me of...I just feel like I should say something rather than give these people the cold shoulder when I see them....because honestly I will not be nice to these people.....its fine if you didn't want to give me a gift but what about a card I mean it is a family member that just got married.
I was thinking of calling and saying something like we just finished opening our cards and we didn't see one from you...we were afraid it may have been lost and wait to see what they say....but then again maybe I should word it a different way

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Only my sister gave us a gift from my immediate family. But techincally they have up to a year so I'm not going to stress about it. My grandmother was dying at this time so my family had a lot on their minds. But if you are so upset about your DH's family not bringing gifts or cards, I would not give them any gifts or cards for the upcoming holidays or when you go visit them.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Julybaby...we already said that when his cousins get married we are going to eat, drink and have a grand old time on them

Sorry to hear about your grandma

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

We had a few stiffers as well-one of them was a co-worker that I know has financial problems & I told her that I just wanted her there & didn't expect a gift...well she didn't bring a card either & IMO that's wrong. So I sent Thank yous to my 40 other co-workers in a timley fashion but didn't send hers.
They all told me how beautiful the thankyou's were(I enclosed favorite snapshots of my guest in their thankyous) & we chatted again about the wedding-all in front of her. Last week(at our ten month mark)I sent all my stiffers their thank yous.
My favorite stiffer was my 55 year old SIL-she brought her married boyfriend, her 26 year old daughter & her univited friend(without asking) & her adult son & his fiance no-showed because he doesn't get along w/SIL's boyfriend & she asked him not to come so it wouldn't be stressful for her.
After he RSVP'd yes & never called to say he wasn't coming & never sent a gift or a card.
Well she gave us a $39.00 set of hidious Mikasa candle sticks with a tiny department store gift card.
Her thank you was sent last week too, it said
Dear Blah-Blah & guests,
It has taken us months to think of words to describe our feelings about your gift & your family's attendance & lack of attendance at our wedding. Thank you for showing us how much you really care.
Sincerely,
Kelly & Rich

Emily Post probably rolled in her grave-oh well.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Thanks Dani. It's nothing like going to a similar function and doing the same thing that your DH's family did. I think another reason I'm not too upset is because my brother has gone back to college and has barely enough money to fill up his gas tank. He was also a GM so that cost money. My mother has always been generous to me. I'm willing to wait. Ask me again next July when my wedding anniversary rolls around - I may feel differently, especially towards the non-family guests.

We got lots of gifts from people who couldn't attend our wedding, especially from people who are our parents friends and who we barely know. Strange, huh?

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Richsbride - You actually wrote "lack of attendance"?! Good for you!

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Richsbride....your thank you is awsome....good for you....Do you want to come over and call my husbands family and pretend you are me? But seriously what should I say when I call? Or do you think I should write a letter?

Message edited 8/31/2003 6:30:27 PM.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

I despise my SIL & she is an embarrassment to my husband & his family. It's not like she has money problems, she owns 4 houses in Valley Stream. We saw her twice after our wedding, once at Thanksgiving when she spoke about my husbands first wedding & ex-wife all day. Then at our holiday party when she refused to watch our wedding video & sat in the kitchen with her back to us.
She is a piece of s-h-i-t. Her son that no showed got married in July in White Plains & she had the nerve to email DH & ask him if we would drive some elderly relatives. We didn't go & I waited till the last day to send back the response card.
I'm pretty spiteful.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Spiteful.....I think your great...sounds like you have the same personality as me

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Dani-I believe that "revenge is a dish best served cold" & although you're dying to say something now-I think you should wait. A simple note in a thank you(because everyone should be thanked for attending) will be perfect. Give them a month or two to redeem themselves by sending a gift. Something like
Dear Blah-Blah & guest,
Thank you for sharing in the joy of our celebration.
We are looking forward to receiving your gift & we'll be sure to let you know when it arrives!
Sincerely,
Dani & DH

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

OMG LMAO...that is perfect...I am calling my DH right now to read it to him. That is great.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

We had a few, but got gifts 10 months after the wedding. One gift was a really nice gift and the other you could tell was something in the girls closet that she didnt want...of course it was his family.

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Here's an interesting story. My younger sister and her significant other did not show for our wedding. No phone call, no explanation, no nothing. There had been a family argument about a month before the wedding between her and my youngest sister but she had told my middle sister that she would be at the wedding no matter what. And there they were...no shows!!! Not even a card.

I had not spoken to her since before the wedding and I was waiting for her to call and apologize or at least explain her absence. Well she never did. After 2 years I decided that enough was enough, so I sent her a birthday card. 2 weeks later I got an invite to her engagement party!!! Well I had to call her to RSVP and when I did basically she said that she just didn't feel right about coming. There were lots of things I wanted to say, but decided that it wasn't worth it and just let it go. DH and I went to her engagement party, but gave only a card..no gift.

She gave me a gift though...My wedding invitation with a note inside it saying better late than never and a Lord and Taylor gift certificate!! I still don't even know how much it is for. But at least the feud is over. I figure I am the bigger person and we will let it go at that.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

wendy-I'm glad that you were able to be the bigger person, I hope your sister learned her lesson about being stubborn.
Dani-DH & I don't care if we ever speak to SIL again(not just because of the gift thing-but because of the way she lives her life) So being rude in my thank you was appropriate-if we had any hopes of a future relationship with her I would have written something different. So make sure you & your DH are on the same page with that-if you plan to continue a "family" relationship then your better off s-u-c-k-ing it up, writting a generic Thank You & waiting until their wedding or big celebration to even things out.

ETA-S-U-C-K-ing was censored-who makes those decisions anyway?

Message edited 8/31/2003 9:56:16 PM.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Maybe you should call them. Tell them you were missing a bunch of cards and just wanted to let them know so they could stop pmt on the very large check they enclosed.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

rich's bride... i'm a bride-to-be sneaking on the newlyweds board but just had to chime in about your dealings with the stiffers... HILARIOUS!!!!! forget emily post, girl, you need to write the new book on etiquette!

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Kelly she learned a valuable lesson since no one in our family spoke to her for almost 2 years. She went through a lot of stuff during that time and had no one in the family to turn to (our parents are deceased). She has always been pretty selfish but this time she learned that her actions have consequences and she didn't like them so perhaps she will be different from now on.

I don't blame you for doing what you did. I like your thank you's too!! Great way to make your point!

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Do not say a word to these people - or else you will be the one to look like a fool. Sorry, JMO...but, I think it's very low class to call people and ask for your gift. No one is required to give you anything. Just thank them for attending and move on with your married life. You held a party to celebrate your marriage - NOT a fundraiser.

JMO.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

I know it hurts when family members "stiff" you, but you have to let it go... obvioulsy they have no class- don't drop to their level & bring it up.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

I would let the idea of a "gift" go.. But I would have my hausband call his family (especially that aunt) and explain that it was unnecessary, and rude... Good luck!

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

I didn't read any of the other responses because I wanted to just post my initial thoughts.
First, it was YOUR wedding, and it isn't your MIL's fault that guest didn't give you a gift at the wedding. She is probably annoyed but it isn't her place to start a war in her family over it.
Second, there are people who are rude in every family- some show it in different places/ways but we all have them. What can you say to these people? I mean do you really call them and say "You are just so rude and didn't give me a gift?" because doing so makes you just as rude as them. And the rule of thumb is that guests have one year to send you a wedding gift. In fact, a few girls on this site have gotten gifts months afterwards. Imagine you call and these people
have a gift for you waitig to mail or in the mail?
Or what if they give you something because of the call? That is no way to get a gift IMO.

My advise: be gracious and send them a thank you card thanking them for the presense at your wedding. You don't have to give these people gifts at other events or even see them all that often.

Re: What to do about the STIFFERS?

Kelly, you are my hero!!!! I think what you did was so great! My stiffers/no shows I have taken a vow of silence against since they didn't really bother to explain or apologize! However it's not like these people have made any realattempt to apologize or explain. Where are people's heads! I had one couple, a distant cousin, not show "beacuse of the weather" I heard through the grapevine, meanwhile at least 15 other guests cam e from Queens as well, and made it to the wedding w/o complaint. Further more, this jerk sent no gift after my own mother had given him a $500 check at his wedding 8 mos earlier!!!! Send something!!!It's not like they couldn't afford it! How bout at least a card! an explanation! Another couple ordered me something from my registry that was backordered, and two mos after the wedding, I received a notice from Macy's that they had cancelled the order!!!!! How bout that!!!?? Still waiting for that gift! LOL!