Do you know anyone or find yourself....

Feeling helpless now that you are married?

I know several married women who seem to rely on their significant other for EVERYTHING. If you have a question about their home, furniture, appliances, cars etc., they are always like "ask my hubby, he knows about all that stuff!" I find that so silly and I'm totally not impressed! Whenever I make a decision, a lot of the times I talk to hubby about it, but we both have our own distinc responsibilities that we are good at. Like when it comes to the interior of our home and decorating, I do MOST of that because I love it! However, it's not set in stone and things interchange. He's Mr. fix it, but sometimes if it's something simple, i'll do it without even asking him.

I'm sure you know this, but i have to say it: Marriage is about coming up with a beautiful picture of what you both envision for your lives together and working as a TEAM to make it happen....teammates dont stand on the side lines! It seems as if some women use marriage as some sort of "Okay, I've arrived now, I don't have to lift a finger because my husband will do it all for me!" I just seems so unrealistic! What would happens if their DH got sick or was physically unable to do anything?

Anyway, what I wanted to know was, do you all know anyone like this? What are your thoughts?

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

Great great great great GREAT question.

Occasionally, yes, I do. I have been trying so hard to not fall into this mold, but I find it happening with the most mundane things. A lot of it has to do with DH's incessant concern for me which I love and respect dearly...but other times I have to remember that I once lived alone and COULD do these things on my own. It's almost like I am forgetting! It's little things like paying bills, getting something high off a shelf, lifting something heavy....I have started to automatically go to him for "help". It's a weird sense of security thing I think!

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

Not me. As much as we are a team in a lot of ways, I definitely "wear the pants". Not to say that I am bossy (ok, maybe a little), but I am just naturally more aggressive than my DH is in many ways, so I tend to make more decisions. I was also raised by a more or less feministic single mother for most of my life, so I suppose some of her "independent woman" stuff has rubbed off on me. But my DH and I definitely complement each other, I think.

Good question!

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

Sandy, see I am the opposite and sometimes I might let my hubby feel as if he is not needed and you know how as humans we like to feel needed, so even when I might not need him, I do try to ask his opinion and include him as much as I can. I think anything too much to the extreme is no good.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I defer to my poor unsuspecting husband anything that I hate to deal with - car issues, home repairs, gardening! Doesn't mean I couldn't do it myself, but I'm okay with just having the knowledge 'on reserve' ...

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I feel that I def. am a take charge kind of person in our relationship- which cannot always be a good thing because hubby can feel like his opinion doesnt matter- I dont want him to feel this way so Im trying to be more passive. He is a natural passive and Im natural aggressor so it can sometimes be hard to step out of character.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

We are definitely 50/50. Plus my hubby is so busy I can't throw everything on him and I have to make some decisions myself. I mean he is better at dealing with some things and I am better at dealing with others. We sort of figure that out as we go along but its definitely a partnership (although he would say I'm bossy).

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I think we do things 50/50. I have no problem calling contractors or getting the car fixed. It just seems that in our house...whoever had started the project usually finishes it (I hope that make sense)

What really bothers me, is a woman that says that her husband handles ALL the finances and that she doesnt understand/know about them. God Forbid anything should happen to the husband...these woman do not even know how to balance a checkbook nevertheless, handle the house finances. Although, I pay all the bills in our house, Harry is just as much a part of the whole process and I am.

Woman should be informed and knowledgeable in all aspects of the house/relationship....not just the cookin', cleanin', raisin' kids part!!

ETS: GREAT question!!

Message edited 10/3/2003 4:39:28 PM.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I am one of those women you hate. Half the time I can't turn on the tv in my house. My husband has so many toys its amazing. Yesterday I was watching tv and the phone rang and the next thing I knew the caller ID info was on the tv screen. I didn't even ask him how that got there.

I tell you if you come over to my house and want to touch anything I will have to tell you to ask my husband.


Now if you want anything from the kitchen I can help you. I don't him stay away from there. I don't want my garbage disposal turning on the oven for me and all that crazy stuff I know he would do.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

Thanks ladies for all your input. To a certain point I think depending on your husband is normal because I sometimes have a tendancy to ask my husband to do silly things that I could do myself. However, I think some women become so helpless as if they can't function now that they are married.

The true test is finding a good balance. Can you imagine what husbands must think to themselves sometimes! I certainly don't want anyone relying that heavily on me (except for my baby when I have one)!

Thanks again!

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I have to go with Shamma on this one. I have been trying to make my hubby feel more needed as well. I HATE to be wrong or ask questions... don't like having to depend upon someone else to get stuff done... so I have been trying to deflect more to him. I think people have to feel that they are needed in order to sustain a relationship.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

In our marriage, I strive to make it 50/50, but we definetely have our roles when it comes to certain things.

I.E. we are moving into a new apartment. I am the one that made all of the phone calls, for telephone service, cable etc. He called the moving van and made sure some of our friends were available.

There are certain things that I am better at so I do them and vice versa.

Sandy, I agree with you wholeheartedly that in a marriage you are a team. I also do not like to see a woman take a subservient role just because a ring is on her finger.

I must admit at times I will purposely defer a decision to my husband just to stroke his ego.

Like Shamma said, a man may love a take charge woman but he also wants to feel as if he is needed.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I'm not married yet but I do live with FH and I just HAD to respond to this question (great question!). I have a girlfriend who from the day she got married handed over brain to her husband and never looked back. It has always bothered me and as much as I have tried to rationalize with her, I can't change her opinion. Her response has always been "well my parents never got divorced, and I won't either so I don't have to do these things." I told her, okay, so what happens when he dies before the end of the month and the phone bill isn't paid? but it has had no effect. It makes me sad, because she's generally not a very happy person and does nothing for herself.

Personally, I tend to be on the other end of the spectrum with Shamma and CatchI22 which frustrates FH at times but I'm working on it.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I have to admit I do more things around the house, just so that they will get done. I'm in charge of the finances, etc... but he helps out with cleaning, getting oil changes, etc. It is easy to become dependent on someone - its less to do.

I also don't understand women who can't go anywhere by themselves. They need their husbands to go anywhere... yes its nice to have a chauffeur and company, but if I want to go to the city with a friend, I can get there myself, if DH doesn't want to go. I've heard people say that their husbands won't let them go by themselves and not just the city... shopping, movies, etc. I don't understand that.

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

sometimes...its easier to defer to DH


I just called the car dealer to make an appointment to bring the car in and I left him DH's # since he would know more of the things that needed to be fixed...but the guy called me back... I was glad that I could hold my own

Re: Do you know anyone or find yourself....

I'm actually having a hard time turning to my DH for help with things. I'm so used to taking care of things myself, and it almost makes me feel weak if I ask him to help me with something. It bothers him that I'm so independant that way.

For instance, I have a 29 gallon fish tank and change 8 gallons of the water a week. I do it by filling a 2 gallon bucket and making several trips to the bathroom. Suddenly, my DH doesn't think I should lift the "heavy" buckets and wants to do it for me. I just can't let him. It's my tank, I've always done it, and I don't want to give it up.

Also, I have a fear of becoming too dependant, and someday being so out of the loop that I can't perform normal daily tasks, like taking money from the bank or something. My mom was so uninvolved with things that now she has no idea how to use an ATM, and my father handles all the money! She can't even use a debit card at the store. That freaks me out. I REFUSE to let that happen to me.

The other day I had to call my DH because I needed help with our medical insurance. I've always had my OWN insurance, and knew how it worked inside and out. With his insurance, it's still new to me and I'm not sure of the "rules." So I tried to handle it myself, didn't have all the info, and had to call him for help. I was nearly in tears because I felt SO helpless and the woman I spoke to at the insurance company treated me like I was a STUPID house-wife.

I will admit, though, that I find I want my husband with me for certain emotional things, like when one of my parents is in the hospital, things like that.