Has anyone given any thought on what will happen to their parents when they get older? DH and I don't have the attitude that we will take care of our parents when they can't take care of themselves...We live in an apartment in Queens, my FIL lives in Suffolk County and my parents also live in Queens. Eventually our dream is to buy a house in LI (between my parents and my FIL but closer to FIL since you get more for your $$ the further east you go). As of now, it's just us and children are an option (we can not have them and be happy or have them..we are sorta neutral on this subject and feel that whatever happens happens). People make me feel bad when they ask if I will move my parents in or my FIL in and I say that it's not something we really want to do...taking care of an elderly parent is draining and can honestly put a lot of stress on the marriage and immediate family. I honestly feel that if something happens and they can't take care of themselves, they will either have to have a home health aide live with them or go into a home. I would never want any of our parents to just go into any home..I would definitely do research and visit as often as possible and I thought that this was a pretty decent attitude to have. My pregnant friend just told me that 'her kid better not put her in a home.' I honestly don't have that attitude about myself or my future children (if I were to have children)..I think that if I live to be really old and can't take care of myself, I always envisioned that I would just have to go into a retirement/nursing home..I definitely don't expect my children to take care of me..I have the attitude that if I do have children, they can eventually move halfway across the world for work reasons or family reasons..If they live close enough to visit every now and then that's great. I'm just curious as to what everyone else feels.. Hopefully I'm not too much of a monster.
little j
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
i think it depends the situation - of the parent's issue and your personal circumstances
of course no one likes to think of this stuff, and things will just happen as they come
but this is something to talk to your parents about. some adults have thought about this and have their own wishes.
do you know who will be POA (power of attorney) that needs to make these decisions? or you and your siblings on the same page?
i know my mother has already told me that if she has dementia/alzheimers and becomes mean and difficult to be around, she would like to go to a home. she has dealt with issues in her family, so she knows what it can be like.
of course, one day at a time, so who knows what will unfold.....
but i am saying this b/c i think its also important to have this discussion with your parents. this is not a decision to be made alone.
gl! hth!
Thats-What-She-Said
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
Honestly it is really difficult. I lost my father to cancer 5 years ago and he was home until almost the very end. It was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. It put a ton of stress on my mom and I as well as the mental issues that go along with it. (I'm still a lil f'ed up)
MIL told me once (while she was drunk) that moving in with her inlaws to help them out was the biggest mistake of her life.
I wouldn't want to put anyone through what I went through. I already told DH that I want to be put in a home once I can no longer take care of myself. My mother feels the same way. (it's just got to be a fancy pants nursing home)
cateydee
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
Its a humongous stress to put upon when an aging sick parent moves in. You definitely need to have a conversation with both sets of parents to see what their wishes are and how realistic they are. My mom has her will and advance directives filled out. she's always telling me what to do in case of... she's an attorney so she's overly prepared for the worst.
Aging in place is the best thing but if they need more help, thats why there are nursing homes. As long as the family is involved in their plan of care (and they dont just dump the parent there) the kids should'nt feel guilty for placing them in a nursing home. Its really difficult thiing to do, especially in some cultures where its customary to take care of your aging parent. But you definitely should speak with your parents to see what their thoughts are.
JAAMS
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
I think it's a very personal decision, and you have to figure out what is best for you. DH and I have had this discussion, and we said that if and when the time comes, my parents will live with us. They do so much for us all the time, and I feel like it's the least we can do.
We never had a discussion about his parents, but I would imagine that we would have them with us too.
ourwedding9510
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
DH and I have also had this conversation because his mom always tells us that someone better take her in. If it comes to that, SIL and BIL said they would take her. DH and I both agreed that taking in parents is not something we want to do. His sister is a social worker in nursing homes and my older sister is a doctor and my little sister is in Grad school studying to be an audiologist. I always tell my parents 'you will go into the best nursing home Nicky works in and Diane and Laura can afford.' My parents just want to be together, unless one becomes too ill and the other one is fine. His parents are the ones that want someone to care for them day and night and I just can't bring myself to do that, work fulltime, and have my own family.
Future Mrs H
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
As someone who has recently gone though this with my MIL I have to tell you there is no perfect solution. Jerry always swore that he would never put her in a nursing home so we had home health aids for her during working hours and we took care of her at night and on Sundays. It is very stressful on the people taking care of the parent and you may have to go through a number of HHA before you get the right fit and someone you can trust. When the time came we had no choice and she went in a nursing home for a while we researched a whole bunch of them and found 1 that was 5 star. This 5 star home had a lot of problems that I wont go into here but my MIL did not get better she actually got worse
There is no right choice when it comes to this. You have to go with what you feel is the right thing for the person and for you. I think when the time comes for my parents my brothers and I are going to take turns taking care of him/her with the help of HHA's.
If anyone ever have question regarding this get in touch with me because Jerry and I have been though it all.
stinenandy2010
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
Like Cecila, I recently went through this situation with DH's grandma the past few months. His mom isn't in the picture (even though she lives 20 mins from his nana). Anyway, there is no perfect answer or solution and every situation is completely different. In his Nana's case, I was there taking care of her 24/7 for weeks and it really took a toll on our relationship as well as everyone else involved. Eventually I got a POA so I could make the decisions. We are fortunate that she lives in a very small ranch so it is easier for her to get around. (she broke her knee then fell again and broke her hip!) We finally decided to try the home health aide route first. We interviewed quite a few people while she was in a rehab facility. She has someone there 24/7. It is such a difficult choice to make and you want to make sure you make the right one. I don't know what the future holds for my parents, but I just want to make sure they are taken care of with the upmost respect and care.
Marianne13
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
Posted by stinenandy2010
Like Cecila, I recently went through this situation with DH's grandma the past few months. His mom isn't in the picture (even though she lives 20 mins from his nana). Anyway, there is no perfect answer or solution and every situation is completely different. In his Nana's case, I was there taking care of her 24/7 for weeks and it really took a toll on our relationship as well as everyone else involved. Eventually I got a POA so I could make the decisions. We are fortunate that she lives in a very small ranch so it is easier for her to get around. (she broke her knee then fell again and broke her hip!) We finally decided to try the home health aide route first. We interviewed quite a few people while she was in a rehab facility. She has someone there 24/7. It is such a difficult choice to make and you want to make sure you make the right one. I don't know what the future holds for my parents, but I just want to make sure they are taken care of with the upmost respect and care.
Wow so you took a few weeks off from work to take care of his grandma? That must have been so hard..but it really is so sweet and selfless of you..DH's family should really appreciate you for that (I realize you won't get any appreciation from his mother who is a nut..haha)
MikesBride2B
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
Even if I wanted my parents to move in with me so I could take care of them I don't think they'd do it...they don't want to be a burden.
As for ILs....no way, no how...I refuse to take care of them when they treat me like trash.
ETA: My father has been a Nursing Home Administrator for over 20 years now and is very well known and respected/admired throughout the system in this state...so I know both of my parents will be very well taken care of wherever they end up...its a comforting thought.
flibbertigibbet
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Re: Tough Subject- Elder Care
If anything happens to my parents... I will step up to the plate and offer to have them come stay with us if we have the space.
My brothers just... aren't capable I don't think.
I can't see myself being willing to do this for DH's parents. We aren't that close with them ... and he has 3 sisters.
I can't see DH wanting them to move in with us thank god...
I don't know... maybe we'll feel differently when the time comes.
