1/9/2003 QOTD What are the main reasons for divorce.

Michele, very well said! I could not of said it any better!
I think communication is the foundation to every relationship and marriage. If that breaks down then it is very hard to move from there and get through alot of obstacles in a marriage.

I was just reading this post and thought I would share my divorce story..

I was with my ex for 6 years before we got married. I met him at 16, he was 20. We got married and within 11 months we had started having some real problems. I was pg when we got married, but after being together so long, I was thrilled that I was having a baby. It was a total surprise. After the baby was born, I noticed that he was coming home later and later and not at the places he said he was going to be. I had many nights of taking my infant out at 1 am to try to find him. I could go on and on, but I'll try to get to the point. Sorry!! After finding out on my own that he was cheating(i'm glad I found out and no one had to tell me...how embarrassing)I told him to leave. He did, but was back within a few days. So, of course I start to think the reason he cheated was because I did something wrong....I blamed myself and begged him to stay with me even though deeep down I knew he would do it again. I am thankful that he chose not to stay and we sold our home and I moved back to my Dad's house with my daughter. After a year and a half of being depressed and feeling like I was the only one in the world dealing with this, I decided to get some counseling and move on with my life. I did tell my ex that he would come crawling back and it would be to late. Well, he did about a year after we seperated and thank God I was strong and was able to say NO!! I guess the point I am trying to make is...I never thought it would be me and if I can take anything from the situation..it is that I am much stronger and live my life the way I choose to...I alway's lived my life through him..if that makes sense.
I think infidelity is a main reason to get divorced. I beleive that some people can change, but most do not. I am sooo happy with my life now and I thank God everyday for the strength I have and finding the love of my life.
I am sorry I went on and on, but I wanted to give you the perspective from a woman who was cheated on and divorced.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for sharing that Nancy, that was very personal and we appreciate it.

I agree with all of these comments esp. from nan who had a real-life experience with divorce.

From our precana experience I remember them telling us the primary reason for divorce in America is:

Finances and Money (the lack of it and how it is spent)

I think the divorce ratio in America is like 1 in 2 marriages survive so its a pertinent question.

I once read a study that stated: Top reasons for divorce and in this order include:


Money
Communication
Infidelity
Living with your parents (I was laughing at this one)
Abuse
substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)

What is scary is that the divorce rate is up to 50%.

nanjoe your story touched me & i am so proud of you for your strength & courage.
all the best

Shamma....your a sweetie!!

I would like to also say that my ex is a very good father and see our daughter all the time. I also have learned to get along with him and his new wife. It is kind of odd, but we all get along very well, including my wonderful FI. I needed to do that for my daughter. I have been divorced since '99, so I have had alot of time to get myself together. My daughter adores her stepmom, which I am thankful for. And her stepmom treats her like gold.
Ok, enough rambling from me!! Thanks for letting me share my story.

Thank you for your kind words Jenn. They mean alot!!

I wanted to add that sometimes infidelity is a symptom of things going on in the marriage. There may be financial issues or communication issues that some people can not handle so they turn to a person outside if their marriage.

Edited to say 'I jumped over to the newly wed board'.

Thank you for sharing Nanjoe ...
I think we all are quick to say how we would act and don't realize that if the situation arises, we may or may not act the way we stated. Actions speak louder than words.
You are a very strong person and I'm glad that everything worked out better for you!

Nanjoe, I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that, but I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason -- whether it's good or bad -- and you might not find out until way down the road, but after all is said and done, we become better people for having gone through it. Does that make sense? I'm glad that everything turned out ok for you and that you're happy now!!!!

I also agree with what Michele said, a lot of people do go into marriage with rose tinted glasses on and think it's all white picket fences and house and ladida. I've had some of my friends get divorced after 6 months of marriage and others stay together in a miserable marriage. I think the first sign of any trouble, people just leave and say it's over. Nobody is willing to COMMUNICATE.

When Joe and I first started dating, he told me that he doesn't believe in marriage and if he did get married, it would be after a LONG courtship, because everyone around him were divorced numerous times -- both his parents have been divorced, not once, but twice (and in one case, three times) -- so the track record there pretty much stinks. That scared him and I don't blame him. Now my parents have been married for 40 years and I'm sure it wasn't always peaches and roses. I told Joe that the biggest part of a relationship isn't 'I Love You', those are just words, but COMMUNICATION and actions!!! You can tell me I Love You 50 times a day, but if you don't show me, then what good is it. You know? Respect is a big part -- a relationship is like a pie and you have to fit all the pieces in there to make it whole. I guess from me being one of the last of my friends to get married and having been by myself more then I was with someone, I saw a lot and learned a lot and knew what it was all about, so that when it was finally my turn, I didn't have all these fairytale expectations!! That's also the benefit of getting married in your 30s. All my married friends would come to me for advice and I would laugh, because what experience did I have?

Thank God we were only dating a year and half when we got engaged and I knew that was a major step for him, but I also knew he was totally ready and totally comfortable with our relationship! Sorry I babbled!!

Nanjoe- Thanks for sharing your experience and so happy that you have finally found hapiness.

Also, wanted to add that my feelings on divorce apply to my relationship only. I would never look down my nose at someone who felt it was right for them. No one should go through life unhappy.

I think everytime one of us shares a very personal story it shows the friendship bonds that we all share are very strong.
Thank you so much for sharing Nanjoe.

I think probably infidelity is the main one

Nancy---- that was nice of you to share, you have a good attitude!! God bless you!

shamma----once again, I sent you a wonderful forum mail...... go check

Shelly you get lots of hugs, I love the open dialogue that we have here, it opens my eyes to so many things and how many people see and do things differently than I . I love the learning that I get here. Thanks all for sharing your knowlege and being open to answer the questions on here.

Main reason for divorce:
-infedility
-abuse, both physical and mental
-lack of communication
-the love is gone

Infedility is very important in our marriage, and if one of us does it will break up our marrige.

Abuse is a big one for me. My DH is a product of an abusive marriage. He was also physically abused by his father. One thing that left a impact on him when he was younger (about 10), he had a fight with one of sisters, and after they were separated by an adult, the person said to him that he would beat his wife. From that day he vowed to never hit a woman. We have talked about this issue, and it is not something I worry about.

I personally would not be in marriage, just for the sake of having a husband. I hate to see women sit back and accept a non existent marriage, and everytime they open their mouth it's their husband this and their husband that. I am too much of a strong, independent black woman to be that.