A public service announcement(a.k.a A Jenn Rant LOL): What NOT to do at the gym
Ok so we all know what TO DO at the gym but some people apparently do not know what NOT to do. This list is inspired by all I have seen during this week. Please feel free to add your own. It is our heart smart duty to educate the aerobically challenged. So let’s enlighten them shall we?
1. You shall NOT wear Jane Fonda inspired royal purple leotards over above knee floral leggings worn OVER calf length hot pink Capri tights and a matching blue sweatband pushing up your curly 'I am getting BUFF' hairdo, when you cannot see your trendy yellow and green sneakers because the body fat roll beneath your leotards little belt.
We the people do understand that you wish to look fierce while working out your core and getting dead sexy for the summer months so you can show off all your rolls to those who worship the Pillsbury Doughboy and his Kool-aid drinking brethren, but please....
How can we expect to ever reach YOUR glory if we are so distracted by the moving Botanical Garden across your butt that makes us feel like some dangerous Amazonian beast running through the jungle (in search of your throat), that we cannot get our OWN workout in?
We do know you will understand our concern and appreciate your cooperation in keeping the gym a place for constructive sweating. We do ask that you drop Jane a line for us when you see her.
2. You shall NOT sweat like a stuck pig all over your equipment and ours without a towel interception, until we the people are forced to call management and have mop and bucket brought down along with a large bottle of FANTASTICK disinfectant.
We understand that not all of us can achieve your Xena warrior-Princess physique of rippling six pack muscle that looks disturbingly like a tire when you are hunched over your bike during Spin Classes, but although we are lacking in the rippling masses of flesh department, we would like to be able to indulge our fantasies of getting there one day. It is quite difficult to do that however, when we are distracted by the sight of your rippling back muscles highlighted by the gleam of perspiration that cascades down your body like a waterfall each time you take the second position, pooling around the bike on the floor as testament to your true dedication to your sport of Stationary Excellence.
I myself was quite concerned when I saw the widening pool around you and had you never straightened up and shown that the bulge around your middle was indeed muscle and not a result of an OOPS from too much tequila and an aphrodisiac blend of shellfish, I would have been on the phone with 911 trying to explain that a fellow fat blaster’s water had just broken. It was quite the scare and not quite the heart shock my trainer was discussing I need on a daily basis.
3. You shall NOT occupy the treadmills directly on the side of someone when EVERY OTHER treadmill is unoccupied.
That unfortunate fellow has no desire to smell your sweat and would rather you did not smell theirs. If it happens to be a female fellow, she would like to keep the illusion of “glowing” not perspiring and that is increasingly difficult when you are so up close and personal that she cannot keep the brand of her deodorant a Secret from you. Spread it out…many of the best things in life are spread. Peanut butter for example. We the people are very certain husbands across the world can think of other examples as well…![]()
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4. You shall NOT get completely Adam & Eve naked in the locker room when the quarters are as close as the inner walls of a sardine can, and when you have chosen the ONLY unoccupied locker which happens to be directly next to the person next to you who is leaning over to get their gym bag.
It is quite disturbing to glance up for your sweats and see a full moon during perfect, artificial daylight, only a mere 4 inches from your gaping face. It is even more disturbing when you cannot seem to look away from the rivers of cellulite glory that span that surface like the trails of Lewis and Clark. Each jiggle reminds you of Jell-O and there are several reports on record of overly exercised people going cannibalistic when such a bountiful feast overwhelms their deprived senses.
For the sake of the Jell-O jigglers as well as those poor vegetarians who will forever be scarred by their one-time trip into the dark side of a carnivore’s heart, PLEASE keep your clothes on. Free towels for cover ups are one step progressively proactive gyms are taking to lower the risk of full-moon inspired craziness.
5. You shall NOT begin a conversation with someone whose pants you are fantasizing about fitting into in the biblical sense, when they are lifting 45 pounds over their head that is weighted on a flimsy bar whose fickle heart could cause it to tip over abruptly and crush the individual attempting to hold it.
We understand the desire to get chatty when you are so ahem..”inspired” by the earlier mentioned glory of say, floral spandex, but let us keep in mind that even Richard Simmons occasionally needs to sweat it out to the oldies to maintain his awe-inspiring physique. So please…keep it in your pants and allow us to keep it overhead. Distraction will only result in my crushed skull or your crushed toe.
This has been a health service announcement. Thank you.
1. You shall NOT wear Jane Fonda inspired royal purple leotards over above knee floral leggings worn OVER calf length hot pink Capri tights and a matching blue sweatband pushing up your curly 'I am getting BUFF' hairdo, when you cannot see your trendy yellow and green sneakers because the body fat roll beneath your leotards little belt.
We the people do understand that you wish to look fierce while working out your core and getting dead sexy for the summer months so you can show off all your rolls to those who worship the Pillsbury Doughboy and his Kool-aid drinking brethren, but please....
How can we expect to ever reach YOUR glory if we are so distracted by the moving Botanical Garden across your butt that makes us feel like some dangerous Amazonian beast running through the jungle (in search of your throat), that we cannot get our OWN workout in?
We do know you will understand our concern and appreciate your cooperation in keeping the gym a place for constructive sweating. We do ask that you drop Jane a line for us when you see her.
2. You shall NOT sweat like a stuck pig all over your equipment and ours without a towel interception, until we the people are forced to call management and have mop and bucket brought down along with a large bottle of FANTASTICK disinfectant.
We understand that not all of us can achieve your Xena warrior-Princess physique of rippling six pack muscle that looks disturbingly like a tire when you are hunched over your bike during Spin Classes, but although we are lacking in the rippling masses of flesh department, we would like to be able to indulge our fantasies of getting there one day. It is quite difficult to do that however, when we are distracted by the sight of your rippling back muscles highlighted by the gleam of perspiration that cascades down your body like a waterfall each time you take the second position, pooling around the bike on the floor as testament to your true dedication to your sport of Stationary Excellence.
I myself was quite concerned when I saw the widening pool around you and had you never straightened up and shown that the bulge around your middle was indeed muscle and not a result of an OOPS from too much tequila and an aphrodisiac blend of shellfish, I would have been on the phone with 911 trying to explain that a fellow fat blaster’s water had just broken. It was quite the scare and not quite the heart shock my trainer was discussing I need on a daily basis.
3. You shall NOT occupy the treadmills directly on the side of someone when EVERY OTHER treadmill is unoccupied.
That unfortunate fellow has no desire to smell your sweat and would rather you did not smell theirs. If it happens to be a female fellow, she would like to keep the illusion of “glowing” not perspiring and that is increasingly difficult when you are so up close and personal that she cannot keep the brand of her deodorant a Secret from you. Spread it out…many of the best things in life are spread. Peanut butter for example. We the people are very certain husbands across the world can think of other examples as well…
4. You shall NOT get completely Adam & Eve naked in the locker room when the quarters are as close as the inner walls of a sardine can, and when you have chosen the ONLY unoccupied locker which happens to be directly next to the person next to you who is leaning over to get their gym bag.
It is quite disturbing to glance up for your sweats and see a full moon during perfect, artificial daylight, only a mere 4 inches from your gaping face. It is even more disturbing when you cannot seem to look away from the rivers of cellulite glory that span that surface like the trails of Lewis and Clark. Each jiggle reminds you of Jell-O and there are several reports on record of overly exercised people going cannibalistic when such a bountiful feast overwhelms their deprived senses.
For the sake of the Jell-O jigglers as well as those poor vegetarians who will forever be scarred by their one-time trip into the dark side of a carnivore’s heart, PLEASE keep your clothes on. Free towels for cover ups are one step progressively proactive gyms are taking to lower the risk of full-moon inspired craziness.
5. You shall NOT begin a conversation with someone whose pants you are fantasizing about fitting into in the biblical sense, when they are lifting 45 pounds over their head that is weighted on a flimsy bar whose fickle heart could cause it to tip over abruptly and crush the individual attempting to hold it.
We understand the desire to get chatty when you are so ahem..”inspired” by the earlier mentioned glory of say, floral spandex, but let us keep in mind that even Richard Simmons occasionally needs to sweat it out to the oldies to maintain his awe-inspiring physique. So please…keep it in your pants and allow us to keep it overhead. Distraction will only result in my crushed skull or your crushed toe.
This has been a health service announcement. Thank you.
