ADvise

I am coming to you ladies for advise because my family is biased here. LOL
My husband wants to start his own business, I DO NOT think this a good idea.. He makes a GREAT salary..a good enough salary that I wouldnt have to work, could be a stay home mom and still not want for anything.. i am working now to help get the money for the down payment on a house that much quicker, but heres the problem.. hes not a good business man..he does GREAT and outstanding work, has gotten about 5 side jobs already, however is not good at collecting the money..This is obviously not sommething he should do AFTER we buy this house or have children, and now would be a good time to do it,, i just want a house very badly, and now it looks like that will be on the back burner until he sees if this will work out or not... should i just zip it and be supportive? or should i tell him that I dont think that he should do this? I am so conflicted.. we have so many things we want to do in the next year, House, Baby.. this will not work out that way and we will prob have to put it off for another two years..i dont want to be a B@#$#$% wife that never supports her husband, but i feel he makes a GREAT salary doing what he does now.. the worst of all this is that i am having MAJOR baby fever and to think i may have to wait 2 more years is making me sad..and of course we want the house first... i dont know what to do or say to him

Suzanne, I feel for you. Try to take a step back from this situation and be practical. I think that your initial thoughts (stated above) are very reasonable and sensible. Why don't you just talk to your hubby about your feelings? I understand that you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you don't have to tell him you don't think he's a good business man. LOL

Before he starts his own business, he needs to have your 'sign-off' so-to-speak. That's not asking for approval or permission, but you entered into this marriage together and I believe that you should have just as much to do with this decision as your hubby has - even if he is the 'bread winner.' That's not being a b**ch or unsupportive either. You are being practical. You are right to be cautious when your future is hanging in the balance.

You need to be very honest with him about your desires for a home and a family. Perhaps if you sat with him and made a list of all the things on your mind, your fears, your wishes, different costs that you know about and the need for a savings account for things you cannot plan for, maybe he'd see this differently.

Believe me, it is not easy to have a baby first and then buy a home (I am living this now, and I just quit my job to relocate back to NY).

There is also another way to work this out. Perhaps he can keep his current full time job, AND continue doing side jobs to make more $$ and build a larger client base? Is that realistic? Or, since billing and collecting payables is not his strong suit, can he outsource this part of his business to a small accountant firm?
Just some thoughts to help with both sides of this.
I hope that you are able to work this out and come to a compromise!

Claud,
Thank you so much for your advise.. we are going to discuss this this weekend ( i dont like to talk about these kind of things during the week since we are both tired from our day jobs and not going to be able to give full attention to it) you brought up some great points and I hope this works out for both of us. I fully agree with the house first, which is the main reason for my worries.. i was hoping to start to get into a new house by late spring early summer of 2003 which will leave me a baby in 04, and if he starts this that will push it ahead indefinatly...thanks again i really appriciate this!

Another option too - how are you as a business woman? Is it the sort of business where you could help with the paperwork, collections, etc. once he's up and running? My hubby's cousin does that - from a home office while raising 2 children. She man's the office for his construction business. I'm not suggesting that you quit working now, but let him make the transition and when you are ready for children, hopefully his business will be strong.

I know that my hubby was making great money at a job he hated and I'm so happy that he is out of there now - it's much better to have him happy even if it does put a strain on the budget and we rely on my income a lot. It's worth it to have him not get depressed on Sunday evenings because the work week is coming up.

Thanks KAren,
Yes that was one option i was tackling with,, I used to work in Collections. and that is his weak area...he can never collect the money..I am just nervous, because its not a steady income..

Hi Suzanne,

I totally agree with Claud's suggestion of keeping this business as a side business, until he obtains a steady clientele. Maybe you can be invloved as well and do his billing

Your own business can be very promising but start up is very scary and most of the time the $$ need to go back into the business for the first few years. Many things you take for granted such as medical/dental insurance are now your own responsiblity.

Thats what I asked him to do...Keep the day job for a couple of years,
Ironically last night, he got a great job offer from a friend and business associate, and he is VERY VERY excited about it.. They offered him a CTO position, and hes always wanted that...so maybe (and hopefully) hes gonna put the 'own his own business thing' at the bottom of his list for now with out me even saying a word!!!!

Ladies,
I appriciate ALL of your advise, I am very happy to be a member of this board. Thank you so very much!!

Sue

Hi Sue,

It's so funny how things work out ... For your sake and his, I hope he does take this CTO job (I'm not sure what that stands for)!

It's really hard when you do make good money but you are not happy at what you do, or you have desires to do something else. My hubby and I are battling that right now - we both do OK but our career goals are not what we are doing at the moment and sometimes, especially me, I just want to just quit. But of course, we need to be sensible now. Instead, I'm working towards my degree (part-time) and still working my day job. But my husband does at times complain about the cost of my education - he tells me he is supportive but he also tells me he hopes that this is truly what I want.

It is also hard for you because obviously you have strong desires and feelings to be a homeowner and then a mother while his desires, it seems, is to start his own business. It's not fair to deny either one of you the right to feel the way that you do and in honesty, the way you are feeling right now about the possibality of not having a baby soon, may be the way he feels if you tell him that you don't want him to start this business.

If he doesn't take this job and if it were me, I would tell him that I was supportive but I would also state my true feelings. I think everything would work out if we live honestly with ourselves and each other!

I wish you all the best and I hope this works out for both of you!

Cira

You may not like the advice I have for you...

I'm pretty much in the same situation as your are. However, I may be being overly supportive of my husband since he has been in a deep depression since his dad died 6 months ago.

When Hubby and i were engaged, he owned a software company in NYC and made a TON of money. The company, however, folded after 9/11 a (few months before we married) but we were still ok financially. He started consulting and was doing a very high paying gig at the time of our wedding. His dad died 3 months later and hubby basically ended his consulting and hasn't worked since. It's now been 6 months since he's been unemployed and he recently told me that he does not want to go back into technology. FIL told him once that he should do what makes him happy and rewarded. He has realized that he has lost his passion for technology and he wants to now VOLUNTEER in public service until he finds his niche.

I almost lost it when he told me this. When he proposed to me, I had visions of a comfortable, easy life, a big house and kids. Now he's telling me that he wants to work in public service which pays as little as I make as a teacher.

But I decided that instead of being upset with him or worried about MY dreams not coming true, that I should trust my husband. I know that he wants everything that I want in life, and he won't settle for less. He's a very smart guy and he also wants me to be happy. I already have in him an amazing, thoughtfull, loving husband. What he wants to do will not allow me to have my house and kids (and my e-ring re-set) in the near future, as I had hoped.... but i know I will have them eventually. In the mean time, I am proud of myself for supporting his ideas and I am happy having a happy husband, rather than a husband who is unhappily supporting me.

YEs, there are days that I wish we can get on with our married life, get out of NYC, buy a house, have kids, get our wedding gifts from out of my MIL's garage.... But I know that I have all of that to look forward to. My Hubby loves me for not interfering with his ideas and for helping his own dreams come true. He knows that I wanted all of these things sooner that we'll have them. But until then I have him and hopefully he will be happy soon

SO, my advice to you is to trust your husband and know that he will do the right thing. And if it fails, you will be proud that you let him try. That's what marriage is about.