Are you friends with a 'martyr' ?

You know the person who is always so 'giving' and does no wrong. She can only see your faults but not her own and can never never never ever be *gasp* wrong.

My frienemy has suddenly turned into one and it is driving me CRAZYYYYYYYY!!!!! I never call, email or text her but when I point out the phone works both ways I am suddenly selfish and turning into someone she hardly knows anymore .

!#^()$%)%*_@%#&*_(_^Z@+_$&)@*+_@#*(&^*#*_@AA@+(*(^&_#



I can't believe I am writing this but MJ is not on AIM and I am scared I will UNLEASH THE MF FURY on said friend and well if I am so awful for not calling God knows what she will think if she becomes a victim of that

Also if anyone corrects my use of Martyr the FURY is coming your way

WHO CARES? THAT IS THE REAL QUESTION?

AND YES I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh no..... let me apologize - I've spoken to my Mother about this on numerous occasions, but she's just not getting it apparently. I'll kick her off of AIM though, if that will help?

Um, and yeah, I think we've all got one 'martyr' frenemy. An old lady I'm buddies with always says

'GET OFF THE FRIGGIN CROSS, WE NEED THE WOOD FOR THE FIRE.'

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Posted by Colette



'GET OFF THE FRIGGIN CROSS, WE NEED THE WOOD FOR THE FIRE.'

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That is great!!! I can't wait to use it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know how frustrating that can be. I hate the phone so i am not one to call people all the time. But i always get comments if i dont call for a certain period of time. Its so weird to me when someone says this bc i think exactly what you said 'you also haven't called so why am i the bad one'

Martyr's annoy me

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Posted by Espo22

i know how frustrating that can be. I hate the phone so i am not one to call people all the time. But i always get comments if i dont call for a certain period of time. Its so weird to me when someone says this bc i think exactly what you said 'you also haven't called so why am i the bad one'

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It's a LOT more than just the phone issue I wouldn't fall out with someone over something lite that. It is just annoying me that she keeps saying how I am awful/selfish/mean/not her true friend but her reasons lack any substance. I know she is going through a hard time now so I think it is easier for her to be angry at everyone I don't know why that makes sense to me but it does .

I'm the daughter of one. My mother, though I love her dearly of course, is a martyr to the nth degree. The woman truly is selfless, she is, but to the point that she cries whoa is me if people aren't like her or people don't agree with her. She expects everyone to sacrifice their ENTIRE lives to others as she does and if you don't, well then you obviously were raised in a barn or something. Mind you she does the sacrficing without being asked and going way beyond what anyone needs. She wants to be praised, she wants to be shown appreciaton, she wants people to say how amazing she is. She'd do it anway, but she wants people to step back and say, 'wow, how does she manage to do it all??', in awe.

Do I think she's wonderful? Absolutely. Do I also think she goes waaay overboard and people take advantage? Totally. But when I point this out to her after she complains about said people not reacting the way she wants or not giving up every spare second of their lives to do what she does, or not agreeing with her, she says, 'well Alissa, not everyone was brought up like your mother to do nice things for people, or, not everyone knows how to do the right thing like your mother.' Please ma, save the speech for someone else.

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Posted by missliss

I'm the daughter of one. My mother, though I love her dearly of course, is a martyr to the nth degree. The woman truly is selfless, she is, but to the point that she cries whoa is me if people aren't like her or people don't agree with her. She expects everyone to sacrifice their ENTIRE lives to others as she does and if you don't, well then you obviously were raised in a barn or something. Mind you she does the sacrficing without being asked and going way beyond what anyone needs. She wants to be praised, she wants to be shown appreciaton, she wants people to say how amazing she is. She'd do it anway, but she wants people to step back and say, 'wow, how does she manage to do it all??', in awe.

Do I think she's wonderful? Absolutely. Do I also think she goes waaay overboard and people take advantage? Totally. But when I point this out to her after she complains about said people not reacting the way she wants or not giving up every spare second of their lives to do what she does, or not agreeing with her, she says, 'well Alissa, not everyone was brought up like your mother to do nice things for people, or, not everyone knows how to do the right thing like your mother.' Please ma, save the speech for someone else.

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Interesting.. My Mom is somewhat similar - I also think I married one too (hate to admit)

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Posted by MeNBobs
It's a LOT more than just the phone issue I wouldn't fall out with someone over something lite that. It is just annoying me that she keeps saying how I am awful/selfish/mean/not her true friend but her reasons lack any substance. I know she is going through a hard time now so I think it is easier for her to be angry at everyone I don't know why that makes sense to me but it does .

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This totally makes sense to me; see when life feels 'out of control' or you feel vulnerable/hurt/insecure its kind of a natural reaction to seek more 'power' for lack of a better word... Some people do it in a healthy way, quit that job, leave that guy, get to the gym, whatever... and some do it in a negative way -- trying to control friends, families, SOs, pouting, drinking to excess, whatever...
So telling you 'you're a lousy friend' SEEMS accurate to her, and it seems like the way to get the 'support' or whatever she feels she needs from you. The irony is that it usually just pushes people away and leaves them more lonely, more vulnerable...

It might be helpful to speak with her and just ignore the accusations - just say that you know she's going thru something difficult right now, so why don't we put our heads together and figure out something positive that would help the situation? I'd also avoid email/im's like the plague, these things ALWAYS devolve into name calling and stony silences when they're done virtually, imho...

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Posted by MeNBobs

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Posted by Espo22

i know how frustrating that can be. I hate the phone so i am not one to call people all the time. But i always get comments if i dont call for a certain period of time. Its so weird to me when someone says this bc i think exactly what you said 'you also haven't called so why am i the bad one'

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It's a LOT more than just the phone issue I wouldn't fall out with someone over something lite that. It is just annoying me that she keeps saying how I am awful/selfish/mean/not her true friend but her reasons lack any substance. I know she is going through a hard time now so I think it is easier for her to be angry at everyone I don't know why that makes sense to me but it does .

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That makes complete sense to me.
People tend to look for 'somewhere else' to place their anger when they are upset about something they have no control over or cant control

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Posted by MeNBobs

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Posted by Espo22

i know how frustrating that can be. I hate the phone so i am not one to call people all the time. But i always get comments if i dont call for a certain period of time. Its so weird to me when someone says this bc i think exactly what you said 'you also haven't called so why am i the bad one'

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It's a LOT more than just the phone issue I wouldn't fall out with someone over something lite that. It is just annoying me that she keeps saying how I am awful/selfish/mean/not her true friend but her reasons lack any substance. I know she is going through a hard time now so I think it is easier for her to be angry at everyone I don't know why that makes sense to me but it does .

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it really does sound like she is taking her anger out on you. Maybe you two need to sit and talk. tell her you that you care about how she feels and if you two can talk nicely and just express whats bothering eachother. Ive had similar situations, it was real hard not to go off at times so i know how you feel. But I stated my side, listened to the other person. Many times the person will say they were stressed out and maybe went too far. Maybe there will be things you were wrong about it and im sure things shes wrong about. Doesnt make either of you bad friends but sometimes things happen, sometimes we do things without realizing. I think once things are out in the open and maybe she can also realize that she doesnt do everything perfectly either, and can see nothing is done out of hate, maybe she can calm down.

It does make sense for it to be easier to be angry at everyone, sometimes when people are down they just want to think the whole world is against them. Get her to talk about what is REALLY bothering her, doesnt sound like her anger stems from anything to do with you, just that she found you as a target to get some anger out.

Im sure you two can work this out. Maybe take some time to calm down, i try to do that first bc i know first reaction is to flip out, then once i calm down i am able to sit and talk to a person. Im sure once she sees you even care to find out whats wrong and talk things out with her, she'll realize that you are a good friend and just took her anger out on you.

i'm finally here---unleash the muthaefing fury on me on aim.

haha don't let that jerk bother you !

I married a martyr. My sister is one too. I'm surrounded by 'saints' who constantly SACRIFICE.

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Posted by MeNBobs

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Posted by Espo22

i know how frustrating that can be. I hate the phone so i am not one to call people all the time. But i always get comments if i dont call for a certain period of time. Its so weird to me when someone says this bc i think exactly what you said 'you also haven't called so why am i the bad one'

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It's a LOT more than just the phone issue I wouldn't fall out with someone over something lite that. It is just annoying me that she keeps saying how I am awful/selfish/mean/not her true friend but her reasons lack any substance. I know she is going through a hard time now so I think it is easier for her to be angry at everyone I don't know why that makes sense to me but it does .

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this happened to me with one of my ex best friends from high school. she suddenly stopped returning all my calls and i would HARASS her and leave her vmails like what is wrong? are you okay? and all that sappy sh1t b/c i had no idea what was going on. she was too chicken to call so sent me all these emails telling me how I make hurtful comments and am selfish and insensitive. meanwhile, I was totally thrown for a loop by this and asked her for examples, which she never gave. she got engaged earlier that year, i surprised her with flowers etc. and she was flipping through brides mags showing me the BM dresses she wanted us to wear. 3 months later, she cut me off completely, and so did one of our mutual friends who had just finished telling me that I was invited to her wedding later that year. So easy for them to end an 8-year friendship; i was truly devastated.

about 3 years later, I ran into her randomly at a breast cancer walk. she hugged kissed me and even cried a little, apologized profusely and told me she was an insecure jerk and to please email her. I acted civil then but didn't email because she has no clue how hurt i was and if she was so ready to throw away a friendship without even the courtesy to explain why AND turn another friend against me, then f*** her.

moral of the story: girls can be crazy psycho biotches without any reason whatsoever and I have serious trust issues when it comes to friendship thanks to her.

sorry for rambling but i know what you're dealing with.

[clearly i am not over this yet]

Thanks girls for all the good advice and for sharing your stories! Is is just soooooo frustrating to deal with, as I'm sure you all know.

Colette you and Espo are like Dr. Phil of the boards. What you said about her being angry was so true. And Colette you are so right iming and emailing are awful ways to communicate when things are bad because I read WAY too much into it.

MissLiss a mom like that would drive me crazy and be exhausting. It must be so hard to meet her high standards .

Snwb08 is all i can think of that friend. Shame on her and shame on the other one for just ditching you. At least they did it before their wedding and you didn't have to give them a card .

Gemmifer yes this is true and Peggie good advice but you're still WT .