bil vent!!!

ok so my dh and bil are super close. so after we got married we moved a little bit further west in suffolk county about 40 minutes from his brother. 1 week after we moved in- his brother moved around the corner from us . So now that we are married, his brother basically consumes all of my husbands time. anytime im going to the store im like ' honey im going to pick up milk' - he says 'ok then im gonna to my brothers house' this for some reason irrates me- why cant he just stay home for the hour i will be out? he is constantly at his brothers house when im not around. am i being silly about this?? any one else experience anything like this.

if its not taking away from time spent with you - I wouldn't worry about it.

Do you not like his brother?

I think now that you are married that you should nicely ask your DH are there reasons why him and his brother are really close . You also have to voice your opinion on how much it bothers you that he runs over there everytime you are running out to do an errand....You have to find out why or every little thing is going to bother you...
Just a question...did you live together before you were married?

I think its nice that they are so close but why does he have to run to his brother's house when you are only running to the store for a few minutes?
It stinks for you because you don't care much for the brother. It could be worse. His brother could be over your place. I would just ask why he runs there when you step to the store for a few minutes. Obviously he's trying to spend as much time with the people he really loves.When you're not there, he goes to his brothers.

I don't think its fair of you to want him to see less of his brother, since its not really impacting you in any way. It just bothers you because you don't like him.

Maybe he's used to spending his free time with his brother, especially since you two didn't see each other so often. He could also be trying to make sure his brother doesn't feel abandoned now that you are together so much.

It will probably lessen over time, but for you to force the issue could cause tension between the brothers.

Has he lived alone prior to the two of you moving in together? If not, perhaps he has a hard time adjusting to staying home alone? It actually happened to me when I just graduated college, and first moved to live on my own in an apt building, vs. a dorm environments. I was constantly trying to go out and do things and to spend very little time in the apt. I don't think I ever learnt to spend time at home on my own, but I have adjusted and taught myself to find things to do. Have you tried to tag him along with your errands? How about giving him little tasks to do around the house?
Like, laundry, or do dishes or sweep floors? Or if you dare, trying to become friends with BIL by making scheduled outings and thus teaching the boys that planned outings are fun as well, and they won't irk you?

Just a few suggestions.

I know exactly what you're going through. About a year or more ago, DH would find any excuse to go over to BIL's house. At first I accepted it because he liked seeing his infant nephew, etc. After awhile, it really got on my nerves because he would spend more time over there than with me. Not to mention, we were under full blown construction and the house wasn't getting finished because he was never home. It wasn't just the fact that he was constantly running over there, it was that his WHOLE family was over there (having 'family' dinners and such) and I was never included. I starting pulling the same nonsense (heading to my mothers/fathers house during my 'free' time, etc.) and eventually he took notice. He started really getting ****ed when I started spending nights at my moms. He went off on me one day and said 'You live HERE, not at your mother's!!'. I yelled back 'Back at you. You don't live at your brothers'. It took that moment for him to realize what he was pulling and now he hardly goes over there. I still don't mind if he choses to see his family, but it was getting to the point where his 'faaaamily' time was affecting our marriage. I was becoming very resentful of the whole situation, especially when we would be sitting down to a meal and his mommy/brother would call to ask HIM to come over for dinner (knowing he was with his wife).

Your husband is a married man and should start acting like one and start spending more time at home. We all have lives outside of our immediate spouses but there has to be a balance. And I don't ncessarily agree with the other posters who encourage you to initiate the friendship with BIL. Considering it's DH's brother, HE should be the one to work on improving the relationship, or even better, the BIL should improve his skills and possibly work towards including YOU a little more. Why is the entire situation left up to you to fix? It's hard to build on anything if you feel intentionally left out of their little gatherings. Tell DH to grow up and stop running back to his family. The family he sould be spending the most time with is the one you are building together.

Best of luck, I'm here for you.

thanks shamee for seeing my side of things. i dont want to be selfish but i would like to see more of my husband- although he does go out when im not home- he doesnt come home before i get home either- he usually spends more time at his brothers that i do -running errands or whatever- i might try the role reversal technique on him as well!!


edited to say- even if me and my bil were more buddy buddy together i wouldnt be able to hang out with them because they like to play XBOX together- their obsession- im not welcome to partake in that activity. also BIL fiance is never home so i guess someone has to fill the void- ie my husband

Sorry ladies, but my opinion is not in the majority on this one. Regarless of how antionette feels about her BIL, I DO think it's wierd that her hubby has to run to his brother's house EVERY time she's not around. If it were my hubby, I know I wouldn't like it very much. Aren't there things he could be doing around the house to help out - ie, laundry, vacuuming, landscaping, whatever...??

It sounds to me like he's a little unwilling to let go of their childhood. I'm not trying to psycho-analyze the guy, but I do think there's a point (after getting married) where some things need to be adjusted a little when it comes to families. Not completely changed, though. I am not saying that he shouldn't remain close to his brother, b/c it's obvious that BIL is very important to him. But when family gets involved in your everyday life too much, problems can arise. I have seen it happen too many times.

antoinette...you are not crazy...your husband must realize that he is married now and the reality of it is that you are now his family...he should not forget his brother or anything like that, but you should be each other's top priority....im sure that if you explain to him that you need more time alone, he will meet you halfway...