Can I learn to lust? Help! A wife wonders if she can turn up the heat
Q: I am a 33-year-old woman, married almost 12 years to a wonderful man whom I love but am not sexually attracted to. Is there any way I could 'learn' to be attracted to my husband? Could a sex therapist help me? I don't want either of us to spend the rest of our marriage feeling unsatisfied.
A: It's hard to create sexual attraction. We don't know much about the chemistry of desire — but we do know that there doesn't seem to be a formula for 'sizzle.' For thousands of years, magicians and doctors have tried to pinpoint or produce effective aphrodisiacs or methods of inciting passion. No one has found a fail-proof love potion. However, there are things you can do to make it more likely that you'll want your husband and feel some sparks flying.
The first thing you need to do is figure out what's blocking your libido. Think back to a time when you were attracted to your husband (if you've never felt desire for this man, I'm not sure whether you'll be able to create something out of nothing). What were some of the things that used to turn you on? What made him more than just a friend? Maybe he was in better shape then or he used to wear tight blue jeans and a T-shirt but now he lives in baggy sweatpants. A willingness on his part — and yours — to pay renewed attention to appearance and style might go a long way in reigniting your passion. Maybe the two of you could commit to a serious diet and exercise program or you could shop for new clothes for him.
You also need to be honest about whether there are aspects of your husband's behavior that are contributing to your lack of desire. Perhaps there are some things that have always bothered you but have gotten worse — such as the fact that he is sexually timid, but now, more than ever, you want him to confidently 'take you.' The good news is that whatever it is that he isn't doing right can be addressed and changed. It's never too late! A total makeover may be too much to ask for, but modifications are certainly possible. For example, you can encourage him to initiate sex more, be more romantic or spend more time with you. You can make a game out of sexual experimentation rather than just engage in heady critique.
It is also possible to tweak your man's sexual technique. Have you fallen into a pattern of predictable sexual activity (or lack of it)? Would you be more interested if he learned new ways to touch you or if he set the mood by taking you to romantic hotels or private hideaways? A professional counselor can definitely help you get the discussion flowing and come up with ideas that might put the flame back in your relationship. There are also seminars that teach couples to be more passionate and intimate with one another — look for listings in women's magazines or local guides. You could also try picking up a great book such as 'The Joy of Sex,' which has dozens of suggestions and sexy illustrations that you can peruse together — and then try out. Exploring new options and ways of being with each other will boost your intimacy and may create some great sexual moments.
To truly get satisfaction, you and your husband have to commit to changing your relationship. You can create more sexual interest in one another — and more pleasure — but it's going to take effort on both your parts. This might involve dieting, exercising, attending seminars, reading books on lovemaking, trying out new techniques, meeting with a therapist or even just being truthful with each other, which is the first step in creating genuine intimacy. I really believe that if you expend serious effort in bringing the passion back into your lives, you will find what you are looking for: a renewed physical appreciation of each other that will help your marriage last.
