Okay ladies, here’s the update along with the latest issue. I went out
of
town last week to visit my best friend and while I was gone, he decided to
move back in. Prior to me leaving town, we had spent some quality time
together and were working towards repairing the relationship. When I
discovered he had moved back in, I guess I wasn’t as thrilled as I thought
I
would be because A.) I think it’s something we should have discussed and
B.)
It felt too soon, like as if he was brushing our problems under the rug,
etc. It felt good to have him home but at the same time we were both
over-sensitive, waiting to hear the first nasty comment, etc. Plus,
having
him home after three weeks of separation meant that since he was home, he
could leave again, tearing my heart completely apart. I sort of got used
to
the numbness and solitude I was feeling. We’re still going to therapy
because we so need it and his family (thank god) has ex-communicated me
from
their lives (awwwhh, too bad!:) ). Anyway, the problem?? We have a
wedding
coming up next weekend in Cape Cod that we were invited to, along with his
parents (the bride’s parents are my husband’s parents friends, but the
bride
is my friend, a very good one for about three years). Initially I bowed
out
of the invitation when all this occurred out of respect for Bob’s parents.
However, since then, the bride has been giving me grief about not coming
because she feels her wishes are what should be important at this point,
not
some petty feud. And she’s right, I’m her friend and I should be there
after all, she was there for me in so many ways. Well, the problem is
this:
I told Bob today that I wanted to go. I won’t drive up with them (they
are
all driving together) and I’ll make my own acccomodations. I don’t even
have to sit with them but that I should go because Karen invited ME and
SHE
wants me there. He got totally twisted and told me to forcefully make her
understand that I won’t be there, period. I got upset because once again,
he’s putting his parent’s feelings above mine. Why is it that I should be
the one to back down? What difference is it to them if I’m there or not?
You don’t always like every single person at every single party.
Considering it’s not their affair and it’s not about them, what’s the
problem?? Once again, Bob turns into a coward instead of him standing up
for his wife who SHOULD BE WITH HIM! I’m so frustrated and I’m tired of
trying. After five days of him being home, we’re back to the same old
stuff. Can someone recommend a good divorce attorney because I have a huge
headache from slamming my head against a brick wall. I think I have a
better chance of being understood/heard at a deaf school:(! Tell me
ladies,
am I overreacting in this instance? I wouldn’t be as upset about NOT
going
if the bride wasn’t a good friend and if she wasn’t that upset about me
not
being there. He thinks I want to go to stir up trouble with his family.
Why is everything about them???? Someone please help!
P.S. Over the weekend, he suggested that I 'try' to work things out with his mother, not for the benefit of going to the wedding mind you, but for 'future' occasions. My thought is to never see them again. Does this sound reasonable/realistic?
KGB
Posted:
Member since
Counseling update...
Well, I doubt that you`ll be able to never see them again if you intend to stay with your husband. As for the wedding, my gut tells me you’re right, you were invited and you have every right to go. If you choose to separate, you’ll see each other socially. That’s part of once having been together…
Some unsolicited, but well intended advice:
It seems to me that your husband is putting you on the back burner. Was it always like this or has it become like this once you were married. Did you live together before the wedding? Were these issues there then?
Have you thought about leaving for a while? That way you have some control over the situation? You can decide when and if it`s time to move back in together. Remember that once you leave, that could be the end of the relationship. You need to be willing to take that risk. It’s not the most comfortable choice, you leaving, but it’s the most empowering.
It sound like you`re at your wits end, mostly because you are feeling betrayed by your husband. It also sounds like things were going well when you were spending quality time together, but not living together. What about his behavior was different when you were living apart that made you think things could be worked out? and what changed when he moved back in?
It would probably be easier to get a divorce than to work things out. Working things out means both of you will have to change. You may have to accept some things about his family (certainly not their abuse) and he’ll have to re-learn how to deal with them AND much more importantly: you.
Just because you love someone, that doesn’t give them (or you) the right to be abusive (whether verbally, physically, emotionally, etc).
It is not easy. Actually, it’s pretty darn hard. And that stupid line from “Love story” the one about love meaning not having to say I’m sorry is a load of bull. Love means having to say I’m sorry and admitting responsibility and forgiving.
I believe that you should try all available avenues before you call it quits.
Wendy
Posted:
Member since
Hummm...
Perhaps I shouldn't comment as I still have 3 weeks before I am on this side of the board, but having been married before for 18 years I have some experience. It seems to me that your husband has made it perfectly clear to you that his family comes first and you come in a very distant second..if at all. Perhaps the fact that you were happpier without your husband around and not completely happy when he returned is telling you something. While counseling does take time and effort on both of your parts, unless you are both willing to change, it won't help your relationship. It sounds to me like your husband isn't willing to change his habit of putting his family first. Try counseling alone, just for yourself to see if perhaps you can sort out your feelings. Unfortunately you don't always know someone's true behavior until you are with them all of the time. You sound completely and totally miserable. That is not at all what a marriage is supposed to be.
As for the wedding..I think that your friend was being rather insensitive in being upset with you for not wanting to go. A real friend should have accepted your desire not to be placed in such an uncomfortable situation. I wish you all the luck in the world and don't be afraid to do what is the very best for yourself.
