DH is in the dog house! (long vent)

I'm doing a little venting here---in hopes that by the time i SEE my DH later, I will have gotten over this and i won't look for a hot fire poker to put his eye out....

sooo....DH has a friend, well this friend is a VERY nice guy, would give us the shirt of his back and i adore him---except that the only thing i hate about him is that i KNOW he steps out, quite often on his girlfriend/baby's momma. to him, its second nature--that is just what you do as a man. (he's old school machismo venezuelan). well he's the type to try and encourage said behavior, and i know he thinks its almost crazy that my DH has been with me for nearly 6 years and never cheated. so sometimes i get a little worried when they go out together....just the two of them. cause i know his friend loves titty bars and usually drags DH there--who ends up spending $$ on drinks (he's not into lapdances really) and throwing dollars at strippers. i have no issues with him going once in awhile to a strip joint, doesn't bother me at all--but his friend has the tendency to peer pressure him a bit and make him stay out later or even buy him a dance...which can kind of irk me.

now--DH tells me that he's going out with his friend last nite, just for A DRINK. he says 'babe don't worry its not like i'm going out ALL nite, maybe 2 hours tops....if that. we're just gonna chill.' that was around 5 pm

fast forward to 11 pm---and i haven't heard from him, nor can i get in touch with him cause his cell phone was off. this is the part where the crazy latina, deep inside of me, starts to come out. cause i start to think 'w t f is he doing that he doesn't have the common courtesty to call and say 'i'm out later than i thought, sorry'. cause really i would NOT have gotten angry if he had just called. hes done that before where he makes a call and tells me he's running late. i don't need to know where he is at every hour of every day, i just want to know hes okay. and he expects the same from me--if i did not call, oh trust me, he would have been ANGRY, cause he always thinks its the respectful, courteous thing to just give a heads up, and i am the same.

i start calling his friends phone, and no answer. cause now i'm actually starting to worry if hes okay. cause it is VERY unlike him not to call. FINALLY around 11:30 i get a txt msg from the friends phone, saying 'sorry babe i'm stuck at the bar, i didn't drive, my friend did and i can't leave' my response to him was 'there are no word to express how f**king pisssed off i am at you right now' after a few heated exchanges of msgs--he finally calls me at about 12:30--and tells me that his phone died. and that he lost track of time. i of course reminded him that his friends phone was working just fine....and that why didn't he just call me HOURS ago when he knew that they were making a nite of it, vs. just a drink. also adding that he KNOWS how i feel when hes with this friend, and that it seems he forgets himself when hes around this guy; and how he only called NOW cause i called his friends phone.......he apologized again and i of course was too damn angry to care and use some very colorful language and told him i was going to bed.

he came home and crawled into bed around 130 or 2am -- and then he went to work a little while ago--he msg'd me again that he was sorry and he hates that i'm mad at him...and i told him that i'm TRYING not to be mad, but its hard. cause when i'm pissssed, well--i am quite a handful.

i'm not sure why i just posted this---perhaps i just needed to type it all out and relax......i dont' like him going to work with me mad at home--so i feel a little bad....so i'm hoping to have cooled off by tonite when i see him, so posting this might help make that happen

okay...discuss.

I would offer advice but I only have an hour and will need about 2 hours to read this. Holy hell you must be mad. Give me some time to consult with my friend the best way to solve this. She lives in a temperature controlled apartment do you know her?

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Posted by MeNBobs

I would offer advice but I only have an hour and will need about 2 hours to read this. Holy hell you must be mad. Give me some time to consult with my friend the best way to solve this. She lives in a temperature controlled apartment do you know her?

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I think you have every right to be mad. And maybe tonight after he gets home you can discuss all you were feeling last night (anger and being scared). Just let him know that all you ask for is a call and that you hope this doesn't happen again.

I know what you mean about being angry. It's so hard for me to let go as well. I'm trying but it's freakin hard!

you have every right to be mad... but don't waste too much of your energy on it.

let him apologize and talk to him calmly about it later...

Alright here is my take. I hate the I'll be home in 2 hours which then turns into 6 hours without a phone call. You start think they are in a accident laying in a field being eaten by bears and the worst scenarios are playing out in your head (by you I mean me).
Besides the no call your anger may be escalated by the fact that he was out with the big stepper. So the scenario changes to being eaten by bears while receiving a lap dance. I think you need to seperate your DH from this guy. He may be his friend but what he does is not what your DH does. You Dh sounds like a responsible smart person. I don't think his friend is all that nice if he is pressuring to do things he knows you and DH do not approve of.
You mentioned your DH always calls, and while it is amazing that someone could lose 5 hours and not know it, maybe this was a one time slip up. I think a angry text message from you would be scary enough. i'm sure typing this out made you feel better.

How the heck does their cell phone always die on the 1 night they go out? We should do a full scale investigation into this.

PS I Didn't know you had a dog.

oh man, I would not blame you ONE BIT. That's just terrible. Especially when he expects the same courtesy that you expected of him.

Sounds to me like he's really learned from this one and is remorseful. I'm sure he can find ways to make it up to you! It's a good thing he's at work so you can cool down a bit.

Reminds me of when I sorta messed up about about a week before our wedding - I was taking a class in Virginia and we made plans to hang out with a bunch of guys the last night we were there. I was kinda mad at DH anyway about something(long story) so I decided to be kinda cold with him when he called me as I was getting ready to go out. I tell him we're going out with two guys- one that my friend was interested in and one that was married. Well he let me go quickly and I really didn't think he was all that mad. Well we got home late, I didn't call him cuz I knew he had to get up the next day.

Well the next day is busy with the last day of class. I finally call him really late in the day- he does not pick up his phone. He does not return my calls. He finally texts me and says 'Hope you had fun on your double date. by the way I'm not very happy right now.' now this is NOT like DH at all. He rarely gets upset. But WOW did I REALLY upset him. I call him and boy did he give it to me for not calling him. He also threw it at me that if the tables were turned I'd be beside myself.

That was HUGE drama- and a week before our wedding! I felt AWFUL...he was so upset, he vented to his parents, he was close to saying he wasn't gonna go through with the wedding- it was BAD. So not like him at all. He realized after all that that he knew he trusted me - but I guess with the wedding looming it might have made him freak out more than normal.

Sorry for the long story....but I totally understand what you're going through!!

thanks ladies for the advice---i know i'll be fine later on---cause him and i don't do very well in a fight. cause we both feel guilty for being upset at the other.

i told him i'd just talk to him later and that i want him to be safe and focused at work--and that i'm not really angry anymore--just more annoyed about the whole thing--but i'll get over it.

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Posted by MeNBobs

Besides the no call your anger may be escalated by the fact that he was out with the big stepper. So the scenario changes to being eaten by bears while receiving a lap dance.

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this seriously made me

and he'll never lose this guy as a friend---i can only hope that my guy rubs off on him in a positive way. he was in our BP--and his cheating ways have only in the past year come to light...not to mention they are both cops--and DH considers him like his BFF.

i do have to say that he has made a point to tell DH a few times that he envies him for having a great relationship--cause i know he cheats on his girlfriend cause he is absolutely not in love with her at all. (that movie 'Knocked Up' -- yeah that basically is him and his girl's story, without a lovey dovey happy ending--more like miserable and stay together for the kid)----still no excuse to cheat, but i think if he FOUND the right girl he would simmer on the stepping

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Posted by MeNBobs

Alright here is my take. I hate the I'll be home in 2 hours which then turns into 6 hours without a phone call. You start think they are in a accident laying in a field being eaten by bears and the worst scenarios are playing out in your head (by you I mean me).
Besides the no call your anger may be escalated by the fact that he was out with the big stepper. So the scenario changes to being eaten by bears while receiving a lap dance. I think you need to seperate your DH from this guy. He may be his friend but what he does is not what your DH does. You Dh sounds like a responsible smart person. I don't think his friend is all that nice if he is pressuring to do things he knows you and DH do not approve of.
You mentioned your DH always calls, and while it is amazing that someone could lose 5 hours and not know it, maybe this was a one time slip up. I think a angry text message from you would be scary enough. i'm sure typing this out made you feel better.

How the heck does their cell phone always die on the 1 night they go out? We should do a full scale investigation into this.

PS I Didn't know you had a dog.

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LOL Catherine you're such a trip.


Ok here is my take on this from one hot headed Latina to another... I Would kick his friend to the curb. BUT make sure you do it in a manner that won't kick you back; a hard efat I KNOW LMAO cause I'm the kind that lieks to throw a plate and use every lovely word I know in both English and spanish. BUT if you get angry, he will get defensive because my guess is he KNOWS he is wrong.

I thankfully don't have this issue with ym DH but I did it to him once purely by accident cause I got caught up and forget (which have happened to your DH) and when I finally spoke to Pete he was livid and said the words that kept it from becomign a blow out;

'I was worried about you. I'm sorry I called you 50 times but you always are good about eltting me know where you are. I know you didn't do it on purpose but pelase try and make it a point to call me when you're staying out late because I imagine the worst which is somethign happening to you. I couldn't deal witht hat.'

The fire that was ready to go on a wildfire spread stopped right there. Because I understood what he meant and he wasn't accusing, just matter of fact. He loves me and if I get home 6 hours later than normal that IS unusual and he WILL worry.

So thats the route I'd go with your DH. As I said,c hances are he kknows he is $%&* and if you play up your concern card, he should calm down a lil to talk it out.

As for Mr. Gran Pendejo...Tell your DH that you understand they are friends but he did marry you and at the end of the night it is your bed and home he needs to come back to, so its your life togetehr that he needs to make work. A true friend would understand he is happily marrried and wouldn't put him in situations like strip clubs where it become an uncomfortable sitch for your DH. Reminf him (gently) that you love him, and you wnat him to enjoy himself BUT he wouldn't like it were the tables turned and you were the one staying out all night with a friend he deemed a slut whow as always encouraging you to cheat. He would find it disrrespectful, so let him know you feel the same way. He vowed to love and HONOR his wife, which means protecting her AND Himself from jerks who want to beeak up a happy home.

I would even pull his friend aside and CALMLY tell him yo man, this is what is up. We both love the same guy but I need to respect you and you need to do the same for me so we can make (DH) happy. He's not happy if we have tension so please, ____ fill in whateevr you want to sya here.

I ahd to do this with DH's best friend ebcause he's married but he and his wife were divorced then remarried and now want to divorce again, and he's sooo negative about relationships. Always telling Dh to cut and run now ebfore I get his pension...It really got to the point where I wanted to blow up so I conforinted him point blank pissed but calm and it stopped. Granted we don't see them much anymore but DH understood. They have a friendship outside of me and his friend no longer makes disparging comments.

I'm the biggest worrier when it comes to situations like this - if it were my DH that did this, I would have been sitting at home thinking he was lying dead somewhere... and at the same time would have been SUPER pisssssssed that he had not called me to let me know he was going to be out later than he thought... so I feel you!

AND my DH has a friend who has cheated on his wife in the past and I always worry that he might try to influence my DH in a negative way - even though it's like DH's BFF too and I really like him as a friend. So I REALLY feel you!

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Posted by PeteysBride

As for Mr. Gran Pendejo...Tell your DH that you understand they are friends but he did marry you and at the end of the night it is your bed and home he needs to come back to, so its your life togetehr that he needs to make work. A true friend would understand he is happily marrried and wouldn't put him in situations like strip clubs where it become an uncomfortable sitch for your DH. Reminf him (gently) that you love him, and you wnat him to enjoy himself BUT he wouldn't like it were the tables turned and you were the one staying out all night with a friend he deemed a slut whow as always encouraging you to cheat. He would find it disrrespectful, so let him know you feel the same way. He vowed to love and HONOR his wife, which means protecting her AND Himself from jerks who want to beeak up a happy home.

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wow - seriously the best advice!

I think you handled it very well. DH did that to me once. He got Jewish guilt for 24 hours (silent treatment except to say anything that would make him feel guilty).

I am glad you got that off your shoulders. Men don't think sometimes. You were right and he was wrong, period. If he would have made a 5 second call or even a text, you would not be angry. And you are making him shake in his boots...bet he wont do that again!

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Posted by MeNBobs

Alright here is my take. I hate the I'll be home in 2 hours which then turns into 6 hours without a phone call. You start think they are in a accident laying in a field being eaten by bears and the worst scenarios are playing out in your head (by you I mean me).
Besides the no call your anger may be escalated by the fact that he was out with the big stepper. So the scenario changes to being eaten by bears while receiving a lap dance. I think you need to seperate your DH from this guy. He may be his friend but what he does is not what your DH does. You Dh sounds like a responsible smart person. I don't think his friend is all that nice if he is pressuring to do things he knows you and DH do not approve of.
You mentioned your DH always calls, and while it is amazing that someone could lose 5 hours and not know it, maybe this was a one time slip up. I think a angry text message from you would be scary enough. i'm sure typing this out made you feel better.

How the heck does their cell phone always die on the 1 night they go out? We should do a full scale investigation into this.

PS I Didn't know you had a dog.

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Well said. Pete is married now. No bars with that douche...safe activities one thing, titty bars, another different subject.

Looks like a 'Honey DO' weekend to me!!!!!

wow, have our DH's met?!? DH does this to me alllll the time, except it's normally about staying at work late. He'll say 'I'll be home by 530pm', so I'll cook dinner, clean up, etc and then he won't show until 830/9pm, without calling! I just don't understand why it's so freaking hard to pick up the phone and call your wife out of common courtesy!!! you have EVERY RIGHT to be pissed off, i know i sure as hell would be! men, i swear

Oooh I would be mad. Take it from a lil Italian, I would be soooo mad and silent treatment would be in effect for a good day. Plus text's to tell him I should to talk to him and explain how you feel. It's the worst feeling in the world to try to get in touch w someone you love (no matter who) and not be able to, especially when they say it won't be an all night thing. Your mind starts racing and every bad thought happens. Stinks mad:
The friend needs to go and I agree w Peteysbride with you need to be tactful on how to get rid of him. Cause even though u are his wife, silly guy friends act as if he is their property.
Take a lil breather and it will be ok. But just make sure he knows what you feel. You are in no way wrong on this one. ::

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As for Mr. Gran Pendejo...Tell your DH that you understand they are friends but he did marry you and at the end of the night it is your bed and home he needs to come back to, so its your life togetehr that he needs to make work. A true friend would understand he is happily marrried and wouldn't put him in situations like strip clubs where it become an uncomfortable sitch for your DH. Reminf him (gently) that you love him, and you wnat him to enjoy himself BUT he wouldn't like it were the tables turned and you were the one staying out all night with a friend he deemed a slut whow as always encouraging you to cheat. He would find it disrrespectful, so let him know you feel the same way. He vowed to love and HONOR his wife, which means protecting her AND Himself from jerks who want to beeak up a happy home.

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Great advice.

ETA--coding.

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Posted by PeteysBride

LOL Catherine you're such a trip.


Ok here is my take on this from one hot headed Latina to another... I Would kick his friend to the curb. BUT make sure you do it in a manner that won't kick you back; a hard efat I KNOW LMAO cause I'm the kind that lieks to throw a plate and use every lovely word I know in both English and spanish. BUT if you get angry, he will get defensive because my guess is he KNOWS he is wrong.

I thankfully don't have this issue with ym DH but I did it to him once purely by accident cause I got caught up and forget (which have happened to your DH) and when I finally spoke to Pete he was livid and said the words that kept it from becomign a blow out;

'I was worried about you. I'm sorry I called you 50 times but you always are good about eltting me know where you are. I know you didn't do it on purpose but pelase try and make it a point to call me when you're staying out late because I imagine the worst which is somethign happening to you. I couldn't deal witht hat.'

The fire that was ready to go on a wildfire spread stopped right there. Because I understood what he meant and he wasn't accusing, just matter of fact. He loves me and if I get home 6 hours later than normal that IS unusual and he WILL worry.

So thats the route I'd go with your DH. As I said,c hances are he kknows he is $%&* and if you play up your concern card, he should calm down a lil to talk it out.

As for Mr. Gran Pendejo...Tell your DH that you understand they are friends but he did marry you and at the end of the night it is your bed and home he needs to come back to, so its your life togetehr that he needs to make work. A true friend would understand he is happily marrried and wouldn't put him in situations like strip clubs where it become an uncomfortable sitch for your DH. Reminf him (gently) that you love him, and you wnat him to enjoy himself BUT he wouldn't like it were the tables turned and you were the one staying out all night with a friend he deemed a slut whow as always encouraging you to cheat. He would find it disrrespectful, so let him know you feel the same way. He vowed to love and HONOR his wife, which means protecting her AND Himself from jerks who want to beeak up a happy home.

I would even pull his friend aside and CALMLY tell him yo man, this is what is up. We both love the same guy but I need to respect you and you need to do the same for me so we can make (DH) happy. He's not happy if we have tension so please, ____ fill in whateevr you want to sya here.

I ahd to do this with DH's best friend ebcause he's married but he and his wife were divorced then remarried and now want to divorce again, and he's sooo negative about relationships. Always telling Dh to cut and run now ebfore I get his pension...It really got to the point where I wanted to blow up so I conforinted him point blank pissed but calm and it stopped. Granted we don't see them much anymore but DH understood. They have a friendship outside of me and his friend no longer makes disparging comments.

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Absolutely 100% dead on. First of all - DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING PIST OFF. HE was 100% wrong, slipup or not...yes we're all human and make mistakes, but there are consequences to mistakes...so let him live up to it & deal with his consequences...you are SO much stronger than feeling bad over HIS mistakes that he should've taken care of. so dont.just dont lol. Now - anyways, DH & i had major issues later on in our 'Dating relationship' way before we got engages....he got a job in a company that was full of sleezy guys & i started to see changes that were SO not the man i fell in love with...after many fights, talks, and repetive stupid crap - it got to the point where reality smacked my babe in the head & got him thinking 'what the h ell am i doing??' ...to make a REALLY long & complicated story short, he actually ended up leaving his job...and after so many times of saying 'but babe their my co-workers' or 'babe their my friends' he finally started saying 'WOW - i can't believe what i was turning into and what i almost lost'.....now NEEDLESS to say - ur situation is probably in NO way as extreme as ours was...but trust me when i tell u - NIP IT IN THE BUD NOW...because it can very easily turn into a vicious cycle..and i agree with jen...DONT fight about it - DONT get heated...have a real heart to heart about it and TELL HIM that it hurts you...he can't get mad at that...maybe defensive - but he'll come to and realize what he's doing. I'm so sorry he got u so heated & upset...guys can just not think some times & it's so annoying...Lord - please tell me WHY u had to create men & women SO entirely different????(u know - like give us a brain&compassion&consideration and them..well.. sludge) lol.i'm totally kidding.that was a little mean & i apologize...but anyways, now i'm writing a novel..but just know that this IS something important and that you're NOT being silly & u have no reason to feel bad about ANYTHING. I hope it all settles...let us know if u talk to him about it!(which i hope u do )