Family IL drama prior to wedding

Deleted...potential family lurkers.

My parents went through similar stuff with my Dad's mom. In fact, she tried to throw away the marriage license a few days before the wedding!

She was just a toxic personality and for years would have nothing to do with us. She always made sure to let my Dad know that she favored his brothers.

My parents came to learn that you can't control someone else's behavior, you can only control how you react to it. So, my mom (with more self control than I could probably muster under similar circumstances) would just smile and be pleasant to my grandmother whenver they saw her. I'm sure that drove my grandmother more nuts than if she had yelled and screamed and pitched a fit every time Grandma was rude to her.

Hang in there!

Yes.

Sent you FM.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. IL's definitely have a way of causing stress. My MIL loooooves sticking her nose where it doesn't belong and causing drama where it isn't needed and it frustrates me and at times causes fights between DH and I. She told us the day before the wedding that she was hurt and depressed blah blah blah that DH didn't want her new husband announced as his father.....wow are you for real! DH is a people pleaser and usually wouldn't say anything, but that was beyond out of line and he made it very clear! She still does crap like that all the time, but at least now he opens his mouth!

Why doesn't DH say anything to them? Does it just not bother him?

awww hun...

We made sure to have a tiny wedding to avoid all the drama that came with dhhaving 18 uncles and aunts, as well as their children lol...

I know it stinks. We had some issues but not directly from the IL's. So so rry

Edited for posting too fast while typing...

You are going to have to sit down with him and talk it out. In apublic place NOT at home where he or you can walk out. Go out to eat, and you have to stay calm. Express yourself in a positive way, dont say 'I hate that you....' Or 'I cant believe'

I know it sounds easy but its not. Try starting off with, 'I love that we are married, and i love that you are so close with your family, however I wanted to tell you how I feel about something'

Does this make sense?

Sorry hun

Thanks girls! I always knew this was the place to turn to. Even though I'm not on the boards a whole lot.

I don't know why DH doesn't say anything. Maybe he's afraid of confrontation. I don't know. When we talk/argue/fight/discuss things it's like he shuts down. And sometimes doesn't talk to me. Or shuts me out.

It's frustrating because we are so different on that level. I say what's on my mind, I 'fight' for what's right. There is no reason why he shouldn't deserve respect from her.

It's definitely causing a rift between us at the moment and I have so much anger towards the situation. It's not right how he gets treated nor how I get treated. Yet he says NOTHING!

Thanks again girls. I do hope things get better. Or maybe we should just move out of state.

You can't choose your family but you can choose your life partner.

Your husband has made a point of putting his mother out of his life and not letting it effect him. I think you should follow his lead.

Forge relationships in your life that are healthy and positive. These do not need to be blood relations to be satisfying. Someday, this negative person will no longer matter to you either and it won't matter what she thinks. I know you don't really need the approval of a woman who thinks your BIL/SIL and her family are 'better' than you and your DH -- that's ludicrous.

Life is too short to worry about the approval of negative, hopeless people.

Surround yourself with friends and love, and you'll get through this!

Well, to answer the question, we had issues before the wedding and have tense, limited relations with certain people in DH's family and it definitely causes stress on our marriage. Luckily that's really the only thing that does besides our work hours.

Can your DH talk to his MIL and tell her how he's feeling?

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Posted by springsandra

Your husband has made a point of putting his mother out of his life and not letting it effect him. I think you should follow his lead.


Life is too short to worry about the approval of negative, hopeless people.

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ITA!!!!!

First of all to you.

Second - I have an awful MIL - FIL isn't so bad, but MIL is a nightmare.

I can deal with her treating me like cr@p - I give it right back to her. However, I HATE to see him being treated that way and it has caused some issues between us.

I made a conscious decision right before we got married and an episode occurred with MIL that I would try not to get involved in THEIR relationship. It's hard but I really try not to step in. I hate that she treats him the way she does and that he accepts it, but after some counseling sessions, I've learned that it's his family dynamic and he's the only one who can change it.

All I can do is support him and love him and stick up for MYSELF.

The important part is you married DH because you love him not because you love his family!

how does DH feel about it, if he doesnt care then i wouldnt either. its really messed up that she goes out of her way to invite the rest of the family but not you guys! Did something happen to cause her to be this way toward you both?

if DH is upset about this then i would try to talk to her, or have him talk to her. it cant hurt right?

Sometimes, you have to stick up for yourself in these situations and then maybe DH will step up. I would talk to him about YOU saying something. If DH doesn't have your back, then see if he'll go to counseling to see if yuo can fix that aspect of your marriage.

From my own experience, SIL was over 3 hours late to Christmas dinner. This is after she's been late to almost all other family events this year, including ones at her OWN HOUSE and her grandmother's funeral. No one in Dh's family ever says anything so I finally had enough and wrote her an email telling her that it was rude and inconsiderate and from now on, not to show up if she'll be late. I showed it DH before sending it and he was fine with it. Well, when she flipped out about it, DH backed me up but he may or may not have ever said anything on his own.

You just can't live that way forever. It'll get worse when there's kids and as she sees she can say these things without consequences. Good luck.

I would say first of all that if you love your DH and he treats you well (outside of this issue) that you have not made a mistake.

family drama is hard - it seems that he can not stand up for himself, let alone for you in relationship to him so I would try not to let it reflect on you -

that said - you def should not have to deal with the drama or the negativity - I think you should talk to your husband and say that you are really committed to making a plan WITH him to deal with the situation because you want to make sure it does not effect your loving relationship. . say you know that he is suffering too and you are open to discussing what to do -but you can not live with things as they are - and not to pose it as an ultimatum bc he will prob shut down. .but let's make a plan together and then make it happen - so wether that is disengaging from the family completely even if it hurts - to having it out with them - that you make the plan together and STICK to it together

good luck to you!! and so sorry you are having a hard time - but also to know that right after marriage is a hard time for a lot of people so don't give yourself a hard time for dealing with all the adjustments. .

I am sorry you are going through this. Your DH needs to stand up for you. You and he are a NEW primary family unit and he need to make it clear that it is not OK for his family to walk all over you. If things are really bad maybe you should consider going to talk to a counselor. I remember your posts from before the wedding and things were pretty tough then.

I had some drama with my MIL prior to the wedding and DH helped to set limits to some degree but only after going to premarital counseling. He needed to learn to stand up for me and I needed to learn not to let his mother come between us. I have also learned to be very clear when setting limits with DHs mom. She likes to try to 'run the show' and she treats her grown children like they are 12 and I no longer tolerate it. I am very respectful to her but I do not let he boss me around anymore. FM if you want to talk more.

UM YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS,

Dh has a small fam. his mom, her brother his wife and 2 kids, and his grandma.
we were seeing each other for over 8 years but decided until right before the wedding to start. It all started when my parents had an eparty for us. his fam cam and was so rude to my rents that was june. I didntl ike that at all. I confronted her about it in aug. the bully family obviously didnt like what i had said and that was it.
than the invite drama started

we addressed his uncles invite with mr & mrs. and the kids name along with theirs on the inner envelope. I know the inner envelope had the kids names on it. but they claimed it was blank and they were very offended the children werent invited. we assured them it was there and if not than there must have been a mix up(i doubt it) and that the kids were indeed invited. so by the time that dh called and told them that (my brilliant mil was suppose to tell them) the uncle said he had already filled out the response (that they werent coming) The gma had responded she was coming.
THE LAST DAY to rsvp they send it back and than put that the grandma would not be attending also. They are nasty people-they should be happy that he was marrying a girl like me!They put us through a lot of hell before the wedding. they were def trying to break us up.

The bully gma didnt even send us a card or anything.
THANK YOU you just did me a huge favor now i dont have to see your bully faces at holidays now!
Now his mother has to choose if she wants to go see them for holidays or if she wants to see us.