first yr the hardest?

first yr the hardest?

19 days to our first anniversary..and no plans except to make plans. Oh Well. So much for the romance of it all.

The first yr is on eof the hardest, I have heard. A lot of realization occurs, and you learn each other's quirkes and how to support and talk to each other.
Other factors that add to this stress is the possiblity that you are now sharing your living space with someone- where you did not b4. or you have purchased a home...or are having a child..or the fact that you now have a new last name!

Ok- it is not all bad. I do love him with all my heart. I was not raised to wait for my knight in shingin armor to save the day.
I guess it is the process we all must go through ...

Would really like to have some advice from a third party who has been married FOR YEARS...and see their side of it. Can't go and ask fam and friends...

Any ideas??

first yr the hardest?

Phyl, I haven't been married for years, but I have heard (and witnessed) from SO many of my friends that the first year is without a doubt the hardest. Remember, a wedding is considered one of the most stressful events in a person's life. Being married is a HUGE adjustment. And all those things you mentioned, like living together, and getting used to someone being 'there' all the time, and the pressure to be a 'newlywed' is a lot to deal with all at once. I think many times expectations get set so high when we are in the planning stage that when reality hits, it can be difficult. If you are meant to be together and truly love each other, things will find a way of working out. I hope someone who has been married for years can help shed some more light - just know that we are thinking about you! I know it's hard, but try not to push too hard either. Try to remember all the fun you had before the big marriage word arrived. Try to relax and not put so much pressure on yourselves. So, you don't go on vacation for your first anniversary - how about just a play day? Or a nice dinner out? Or something you have always done together and enjoyed...just try to remember to enjoy each other again. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

12 years

Well, we've only been married a little over a year, but we were together for 12.

We've lived together for 5 1/2 years. We moved across country, left our families for the first time, had no jobs, lived out of a hotel for 3 weeks, and did not know a sole here.

Yes, it was hard, very hard. We discovered each others quirks and communicated our feelings about them. Just ask, if it's possible he can stop some of the really annoying ones, and remind him every time it comes up.

I also found that you need outside activities, something that each of you can do alone. Coming from experience, sure it's great that your honey wants to be right by your side 24/7 but you have to breath. If one of you has an activity and the other doesn't then there may be some resentment for leaving them at home, or you may feel guilty about it.

But I would say breathing room and communication are important. I tell my honey everything, I'm extremely honest with him. And although he's a tough guy, he does share his emotions with me. That took years.

The only thing that has changed since we've been married is, we both feel very comfortable. We just look forward to the future, house, kids, a dog:)

I think that when your planning your all excited and think everything is going to change, and you have all these expectations and think everything will be like you dreamed, but a few weeks after, when the high is gone, it's not a dream. You have to make it your dream, it takes time and hard work.

Communication, Honestly, Love, Space.

Hang in there everyone, if you truly love your mate, it will work itself out.

good words...

Both from Lee and Brenda.
Brenda you may have hit the nail on the head
regarding outside activities.
We both are Amautuer Radio Operators ( HAMS)
and he is very active in that hobby. PLenty of Volunteer
work there, and he became an Aux Police officier...in our
community where we moved to just 2-1/2 weeks b4 the
wedding.

SO, this area is all new to me. No friends of my
own that live here..just a few of Robs friends/coworkers
who live here. SO I feel a bit lost- and dont know anyone.
That, plus the fact that I get home 8 or later- so no time
To join any groups, join a gym, etc.
He and his fellow officiers have asked me to join
the Aux as well but I am not keen on givng up one night
a week to do this, esp if I have to sweat it to get
home by 730 etc.

So, i am a bit of a stranger in a strange land. I do go out, walking & driving
to look around and see what is offered out there..but it is not
easy to make those kind of connections you get when you join a group.

Just seems that we only have 2 hours to ourselves each night- and then the 2 days on
the weekend & I want to make the most of that.

Seems like something I have to work on.

Phyl

I can relate to the stranger in a strange land thing! I moved from Brooklyn to Long Island almost 3 years ago, when Bob and I moved in together. I left all of my friends/family behind. Not that Brooklyn is that far away, but it's certainly not the same as when there was always someone to call to hang out with or dropping by my apt., etc. etc. My Long Island friends are mostly sisters-in-law and wives of Bob's friends who all have their own things going on.

So, it can get a little lonely, yes. Bob and I do spend a lot of time together, but we do have separate interests also. I took a ballet class for a while and am now looking into starting a new hobby - scrapbooking to keep me occupied on his bowling night! I think it is still an adjustment and you will find ways to make the most of your weekends (between the errands, etc!) I know the commuting makes it hard - Bob and I both do it. But hopefully you will both find a way to maximize your enjoyment of every little bit of time you do have together. Believe me, I actually LOVE bowling night! I get the house to myself to do whatever I want for 4 hours!! YIPPEE!! LOL

Friday night dinner out...

My husband sells life insurance and he`s often away in the evenings. His schedule is almost always different and I never know until a day or two before if he`ll be home all evening, or at 7,8, 9 or even 10 on occasion. Makes it hard to plan my schedule because if he's home we want to take advantage of it.

One tradition we tend to stick to is Friday night we have dinner out - just the two of us. It`s a nice way to end the week - no cooking and a chance to chat, catch up and plan the weekend.

We live in Boston, and while he has a few friends, after 5 years I still haven`t really made any good friends. In part because on weekends we`ve either gone back to NY or we`re spending time together so it`s hard to get out and make friends on my own. I`ve made a few efforts that haven`t panned out. He`s gotten involved in a local political club, but while I attend some events, I`m not really interested in all the grass-roots planning. I can certainly relate to what you say about feeling lonely and the difficulty in getting out to meet others when you have long work hours and want to spend your precious free time with your husband.

One thing I`ve learned about meeting new people is that it`s easier when you see someone repeatedly - at church, at bowling, at the health club, etc.

And one line I`ve heard that is a great one for transitioning from a casual conversation to making future plans with someone new is to suggest that you think the current conversation isn`t finished yet, and would they like to get together over coffee or lunch or dinner sometime. It`s always hard to make that leap, but telling someone that you want to continue a conversation is flattering in most cases and they are likely to be receptive.

Let me know what tricks you find for meeting new people too, because we`ll probably be moving either back to LI or to Phoenix within the next 6-8 months and we`ll be starting over again too - except in LI hubby will have all his friends and cousins that I really don`t have anything in common with :-( so I`ll feel even more left out.

Friday night dinner out...

I got married last month and just wanted to share some of the great vendors I used because I was 100% happy with all of them! I know how stressed I was picking vendors and chose a lot of them knowing that no one I knew used them so that added to my stress. So here they are:
I highly recommend the make-up artist I used Amanda Lavendar (631) 893-2924. I had my make-up done at 9am and it stayed on perfectly even after my wedding reception ended at 12:30am. It also withheld very humid conditions while we were taking pictures outside for at least 2 hours at different locations.

I also had a GREAT DJ that was inexpensive compared to other prices I was quoted. We went with a basic package (because we hate all the lights and smoke) and they did a great job and played EVERYTHING I asked them too which I noticed most DJ''s don''t do. Their name is Espo Entertainment and they''re located inside of the Stewart Manor - (516) 777-3562.

I also highly recommend my florist - Flowers by Burton & Son. I got married Mother''s Day Weekend and everyone wanted to charge me double the price and all I needed was flowers for my wedding party. The did an outstanding job and the flowers dried on their own beautifully. They even agreed to make my bridesmaids clutch bouqets when everyone else told me know because of the warm weather and they held up all day.

Sorry to boast so much, but I ran around frantic for a year and half to find these people and stressed myself out so I thought I''d save some stress for some brides to be because they''ll have plenty of other things/people to stress them out!

denise - you've got the wrong board :-)

Hi Denise;

This is the Newlyweds board - we're all past that point - you may want to re-post your information on the Brides Helping Brides section where they'll get more use out of it.

And welcome to the ranks of Newlyweds!

First year -- takes time to adjust

I haven`t been married for a year yet (two months to go) but I went through very similar things when we first moved in together. We lived together for three years before we were married. Let me tell you, that first year to year and a-half was really hard. I had a sister I had to share with all my life and roommates for years, but my husband is the only son. There were certain things that he wanted to do alone, like go running. At first I was insulted – why wouldn’t he want me to go jogging with him! And it took me a long time (try two years) to get over it. It’s become a joke, because now I don’t want him to come jogging with me. It’s MY time.

I think the co-habitation was harder on my husband than on me. It’s hard to figure out the rhythm of a new home, which is what you have now. From the little things to the not so little. Who does dishes, who cleans, how much money do you save, it is ALL hard, but you need to talk and figure out what works for you both. The first time we fought about money was scary. We sounded like my parents. So after the smoke cleared, we sat down and talked about our expectations and made a budget. We haven’t fought about money since.
We didn’t mover far from friends and family but finding the balance between spending time together and doing things with friends, or just alone, takes time. It`s trial and error.

I was talking to a friend who has been married just over two years about this recently. The hardest thing is not loosing sight of yourself as an individual when you are married. I don’t think men go through this (if there are any men out there please pipe in). Not only do you become a wife and a Mrs.!, but if you change you name, you have to adjust to a new name too. In a sense you loose a bit of your identity. I did the add-on w/o a hyphen, but it’s still hard. Even my husband used my maiden name until recently.
Claiming taxes jointly was also hard. I’m gonna miss that refund check (sigh).

It was ( and is) a hard adjustment. The fun part though is that you get to throw our all the old rules and make rules that apply to you and your husband and the life that you want together.
Communication is the key to making a relationship work. It’s easy to loose sight of things when you’re in the heat of wedding planning but the reason for the wedding in the marriage. For a relationship to succeed, you need to work at it.