Funnies.... cause it's only Tuesday!

Enjoy!!!!!!!!

While on your way to a fancy dress party, dressed as Freddy Krueger, resist the urge to scare children that enter your path. The police will take an interest and 'Because it was funny' is not now, nor ever will be, an acceptable answer. #LFMF

When you are sleeping and you realize that the strange noise you hear is the cat about to vomit. Be very cautious in trying to get the cat out of the bed and out the back door. Cats in midair CAN projectile vomit while clawing the crap out of you at the same time. #LFMF
I've had this happen...

If you decide to keep your alarm clock on the other side of the bedroom, take a few seconds each morning to make sure both your legs aren't asleep before getting up. The one day you don’t, you’ll jump out of bed quickly to turn the annoying alarm off and immediately collapse face-first onto the floor. #LFMF

Do not leap through that brick archway. You can jump higher than you think you can. #LFMF

It's not a good idea to make funny faces at your wife while she is brushing her teeth, unless you like cleaning toothpaste and spittle of multiple bathroom surfaces. #LFMF

..if blowing on your keyboard doesn't force that piece of whatever-the-heck you were just eating out from inside it, don't, for God's sake, DO NOT suck it out instead…. #LFMF

Funny Things Parents Say:
- (Mom growling and making weird noises that frighten our dog)
Me: What are you doing?!
Mom: I'm trying to show Toby (our dog) who's the boss.
Dad: Alright from now on refer to your mother as Alpha B*tch

- (At moms friends sons 1st birthday)
Grandma: (Holding baby and happy hes not crying like he usually is when she holds him) Look, see! Hes not crying!
Mom: Thats 'cause he hasnt seen your face yet.

- My Dad met my fiance for the first time at the bachelor party which culminated with a bender at a strip club'
Dad (the next morning): You have nothing to worry about honey, that man loves you.
Me: Really? Awwwww….how do you know that so soon?
Dad: Because he only gave money to the strippers with a few extra pounds on them!
Me: Ummm…thanks?

- A helicopter flew over the house so low that stuff shook off the shelves. Mom froze, then said, “I think I’m having a ‘Red Dawn’ moment. Are we being invaded?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Then it must be the acid. Frikken seventies.”

Really need these today! Thanks!