Help my SIL... drama for yo mama....in law...

Ok so my SIL is preggo & due in April. She & her DH were supposed to get married a while ago but postponed everything when my late FIL was very sick. Then they got preg. His mother INSISTED that they get married right away. My SIL was like 'um no, my father is in the ICU. I am not getting married without my father!' Dude, right on.

Except.... the pushy MIL won. SIL & then BF went to town hall without any of us & got married & never told any of us. In fact, she has YET to admit it to my MIL and many members of the family. (MIL knows though; she's no dummy). My MIL (her mom) was devastated about all of this. Ok fast forward to today....

My MIL/her mom is throwing a baby shower for her in 2 weeks. When doing the invitations, she said to me 'do I have to invite DH's mom?' Um, yes. 'But DH said she is planning her own shower for me.' No matter. You still invite her.

WELL.... she didn't invite her. She said 'DH told me not to.' And you LISTENED to him?


Apparently, her DH's side of the family has NO plans for a shower. So not only is the MIL not invited, his entire side of the family was not invited. So now, naturally, her MIL is PIZZED. And now... my SIL is pizzed that SHE'S pizzed. And horror is erupting. Now, granted, the MIL is not what I call easy to deal with, but you didn't invite her to her grandkid's shower. That was kind of bad...

So the MIL said 'I never said I was having a shower! I don't know why Scott said that? And quite honestly, if your side of the family doesn't know you 2 are married, I don't want any part of this shower anyway. Don't bother sending an invitation.'

This woman INSISTED that they get married behind my family's back & now has the audacity to demand that they 'out' themselves or she's not coming? (I can't say for sure WHY my SIL won't just admit that they are married....I think part of it is b/c it was sneaky & some is b/c cuz she still wants to have a big wedding.)

Thoughts? She is begging me for advice & quite honestly, I am stumped on this one....there are so many angles....

I don't know really what to tell you that would help her. I think that it is only proper to invite the mother and grandmother of both the mom to be and the dad to be to any and all showers. (same as you would if it was for a bridal shower) That is what we did.
Why isn't his family having a shower for them anyway? Usually someone from each side will do one. I would actually let her husband handle his mother if he is the one that caused the trouble.

Whoa. I feel bad for her. Sounds like she is trying to please everyone and it just isn't working and she must feel all torn apart.

She should have the MIL invited to the shower and leave it up to MIL whether she goes or not.

I do think she should come clean about the marriage at city hall. Not because MIL is creating drama over it, but because it just isn't good for her to keep that from her family and gives way too much power to the MIL. Several girls on this site have had civil marriages first, and then had weddings. The wedding issue shouldn't be an obstacle. However, she needs to make the decision about how and when to tell everyone. Not the MIL.

Wow, difficult situation. My opinion is this - regardless of her relationship with her own MIL, she should have had her invited to her shower. The way we do things, EVERYONE (meaning family on both sides - the mom to be and the dad to be) gets invited to a shower. Whoever doesn't want to go, fine.

That said, I'd ask your MIL (her mom) to send invites ASAP to everyone on DH's side. I think it would be frowned upon greatly to exclude them, especially if they're not planning a separate shower. Sorry, JMO.

The whole thing about her MIL wanting to rat them out about being married is a totally different issue. Her hubby should speak to him mom about that and ask her to keep her trap shut until THEY are ready to make the announcement or until they have a big wedding, if they still decide to, you know?

Good luck to her!

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Posted by MrsQ-in2007

Wow, difficult situation. My opinion is this - regardless of her relationship with her own MIL, she should have had her invited to her shower. The way we do things, EVERYONE (meaning family on both sides - the mom to be and the dad to be) gets invited to a shower. Whoever doesn't want to go, fine.

That said, I'd ask your MIL (her mom) to send invites ASAP to everyone on DH's side. I think it would be frowned upon greatly to exclude them, especially if they're not planning a separate shower. Sorry, JMO.

The whole thing about her MIL wanting to rat them out about being married is a totally different issue. Her hubby should speak to him mom about that and ask her to keep her trap shut until THEY are ready to make the announcement or until they have a big wedding, if they still decide to, you know?

Good luck to her!

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What she said!

wait so ur SIL husband...said that his mother was throwing a shower for them?? how did he know that info?
and regardless if ur SIL inlaws were throwing a shower or not, and regardless of how much she may dislike her MIL she should have invited the MIL....and it oculd be left up to the MIL if she wanted to come...that was a little rude.... but it just seems like one big mess.....

can u tell SIL husband...to be the mediator between his mother and his wife...he shouldnt choose sides but perhaps they can all talk openly and get their feelings out...the situation seems very touchy and bad ...

Wow, this is so sad. I cannot imagine what it's like to be expecting a child among all of this madness. I am assuming that your SIL is around eight months pregnant (that usually shower-time, right?) and that this is her first child. If that is the case, its awfully sad that she is stuck focusing on all of this other stuff rather than the birth of her and her DH's first child.

Having said that, she is responsible, in part, for making her own mess. As some one else stated, it seems she got married to make someone else happy and then made a decision to keep it from her own family, albeit for a good reason at that time. I don't mean to sound so harsh but she did give in to someone else's expectations for her.

Honestly, to resolve this, I think she needs to tell her own family about the marriage. Her MIL is ridiculous and I hope the family understands that she did it to make her MIL happy and to shut her up. Hopefully, the family will understand and since they already kind of know, and have not excommunicated her from the family and are, in fact, planning her shower, they have already forgiven her, right? Besides, her Dad was sick, she just learned she pregnant. It must have been a very difficult time and she made a poor choice. We all make mistakes. It's how we deal with them that matters.

Then, her DH needs to talk to his mother about the shower issue and perhaps some boundary issues re: her butting in to the lives of two adults and pressuring them to do things - like, for example, getting married in the first place.

I would imagine fessing up and setting boundaries will help them move on with more important things, like having and taking care of their first child.!!! Oh, and its been my experience that having a child in the family brings out the best and worst in grandparents - so DH's setting some boundaries for his mother now is prob. a good thing.

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Posted by MrsQ-in2007

Wow, difficult situation. My opinion is this - regardless of her relationship with her own MIL, she should have had her invited to her shower. The way we do things, EVERYONE (meaning family on both sides - the mom to be and the dad to be) gets invited to a shower. Whoever doesn't want to go, fine.

That said, I'd ask your MIL (her mom) to send invites ASAP to everyone on DH's side. I think it would be frowned upon greatly to exclude them, especially if they're not planning a separate shower. Sorry, JMO.

The whole thing about her MIL wanting to rat them out about being married is a totally different issue. Her hubby should speak to him mom about that and ask her to keep her trap shut until THEY are ready to make the announcement or until they have a big wedding, if they still decide to, you know?

Good luck to her!

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I agree.

I agree with you girls... she dug her own grave on this one. tisk tisk tisk....

I told he that she needs to start being nice to this woman b/c she is going to be in their life for a LOOOOOOOONG time.