Here's how to survive together.
By MP Dunleavey for Lifetime Television
When a crisis hits — be it a national disaster or emergency, a death in the family or a job loss — it's only natural to turn to your partner and look for compassion, understanding and, maybe most of all, validation of your feelings. But the truth is that, when something major happens, your partner may be just as impacted and expecting the very same support from you. And to make matters worse, your reactions may be completely different, with one of you wanting to talk about the issue all the time, while the other prefers to mull it over in silence. When needs get crossed like this, it's only inevitable that friction will arise, leaving you with what feels like an even bigger crisis on your hands. After all, when the going gets rough, the last thing you want is for you and your partner to be at odds.
But the fact of the matter is, that's often what happens, reports Jessica Batha, a psychotherapist in San Francisco who supervised group counseling sessions after the September 11 events. This is the surprising — and disappointing — fact that many couples face when a crisis arises. 'Two people, no matter how much they love each other, may find that there are vast differences in their ways of coping with stress, grief and anxiety,' says Batha. In order to weather stormy times and pull through as a couple, take these expert words to heart:
Don't assume you'll be amazing. It is tempting to think that when the two of you are facing a major crisis, you should be able to rise to the occasion. Maybe you will, but the way you handle minor glitches is a better predictor of how you are likely to handle the big ones. 'I call it the 'more so' syndrome,' says Donna Arnold, a Seattle-based therapist. 'Whatever habits or patterns you and your partner had before, a crisis only makes them more so.'
If you're panicking about how fractious your reactions to current trials are, think back to the way you squabble around the holidays or when the kids are sick. Be mindful of the patterns that emerge, because they're probably familiar (e.g., you withdraw, he's more irritable; you're weepy, he's watching ESPN). Rather than expect to respond to adversity like superheroes — with strengths you never knew you had — remember that the two of you are the same people you always were, with the same foibles and problems. It may seem like the rest of the world is locked in a harmonious embrace while you two can't stop snapping at each other, but that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. It is what it is — and you can take comfort in its familiarity and the knowledge that things will eventually smooth out.
Find that middle ground. Angie, 40, and her husband, Carl, 43, have consistently dealt with major changes in very different ways. For example, when the couple discovered they were going to have their first child, Carl insisted they start looking immediately for a bigger apartment, while Angie hemmed and hawed. 'I go into denial,' she says. 'He springs right into action mode.'
It was the same thing after September 11. 'Carl got all caught up in the news and wanted to rehash everything at night, and I didn't even want to talk about it,' says Angie. 'He even wanted us to have an emergency evacuation plan, in case of another attack.' Luckily, Carl and Angie were able to recognize their different coping strategies — and work out a compromise. He has stopped badgering her to discuss the facts, while she has agreed to hammer out an emergency strategy. Your ability to compromise as a couple is always important, but never more so than when times are tough.
Avoid hot-button topics. When you're already in the grips of a crisis, the last thing you want to do is escalate the tension level. 'If there are topics that polarize the two of you, avoid them,' advises Batha. 'Small differences of opinion could feel like a gulf right now.' That means you should tread lightly around contentious topics such as money, politics, household chores or whose mother is more demanding.
Don't overreact. Just because you and your partner don't see eye to eye on how President Bush is doing or how to go about looking for a new job, it doesn't mean you're headed for divorce. Remember that before things around you got harried, there were plenty of shared interests and values that brought you together. 'Avoid sentences that begin with 'How can I be with someone who believes X, Y or Z?'' says Batha. 'Don't exaggerate your problems.' Don't jump to any conclusions about your relationship; give the anxiety, anger, sadness and other strong emotions time to settle.
Get counseling. If you're frustrated that things aren't calming down for you and your partner despite your best efforts, consider seeing a therapist, either together or separately. If this is your first experience with therapy, remember that many other individuals and couples are trying counseling for the first time these days. Here are some places you can turn to for advice and professional referrals:
The Center for Mental Health Services [www.mentalhealth.org]
The American Psychological Association [www.apa.org]
Therapist Locator [ www.therapistlocator.net
When a crisis hits — be it a national disaster or emergency, a death in the family or a job loss — it's only natural to turn to your partner and look for compassion, understanding and, maybe most of all, validation of your feelings. But the truth is that, when something major happens, your partner may be just as impacted and expecting the very same support from you. And to make matters worse, your reactions may be completely different, with one of you wanting to talk about the issue all the time, while the other prefers to mull it over in silence. When needs get crossed like this, it's only inevitable that friction will arise, leaving you with what feels like an even bigger crisis on your hands. After all, when the going gets rough, the last thing you want is for you and your partner to be at odds.
But the fact of the matter is, that's often what happens, reports Jessica Batha, a psychotherapist in San Francisco who supervised group counseling sessions after the September 11 events. This is the surprising — and disappointing — fact that many couples face when a crisis arises. 'Two people, no matter how much they love each other, may find that there are vast differences in their ways of coping with stress, grief and anxiety,' says Batha. In order to weather stormy times and pull through as a couple, take these expert words to heart:
Don't assume you'll be amazing. It is tempting to think that when the two of you are facing a major crisis, you should be able to rise to the occasion. Maybe you will, but the way you handle minor glitches is a better predictor of how you are likely to handle the big ones. 'I call it the 'more so' syndrome,' says Donna Arnold, a Seattle-based therapist. 'Whatever habits or patterns you and your partner had before, a crisis only makes them more so.'
If you're panicking about how fractious your reactions to current trials are, think back to the way you squabble around the holidays or when the kids are sick. Be mindful of the patterns that emerge, because they're probably familiar (e.g., you withdraw, he's more irritable; you're weepy, he's watching ESPN). Rather than expect to respond to adversity like superheroes — with strengths you never knew you had — remember that the two of you are the same people you always were, with the same foibles and problems. It may seem like the rest of the world is locked in a harmonious embrace while you two can't stop snapping at each other, but that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. It is what it is — and you can take comfort in its familiarity and the knowledge that things will eventually smooth out.
Find that middle ground. Angie, 40, and her husband, Carl, 43, have consistently dealt with major changes in very different ways. For example, when the couple discovered they were going to have their first child, Carl insisted they start looking immediately for a bigger apartment, while Angie hemmed and hawed. 'I go into denial,' she says. 'He springs right into action mode.'
It was the same thing after September 11. 'Carl got all caught up in the news and wanted to rehash everything at night, and I didn't even want to talk about it,' says Angie. 'He even wanted us to have an emergency evacuation plan, in case of another attack.' Luckily, Carl and Angie were able to recognize their different coping strategies — and work out a compromise. He has stopped badgering her to discuss the facts, while she has agreed to hammer out an emergency strategy. Your ability to compromise as a couple is always important, but never more so than when times are tough.
Avoid hot-button topics. When you're already in the grips of a crisis, the last thing you want to do is escalate the tension level. 'If there are topics that polarize the two of you, avoid them,' advises Batha. 'Small differences of opinion could feel like a gulf right now.' That means you should tread lightly around contentious topics such as money, politics, household chores or whose mother is more demanding.
Don't overreact. Just because you and your partner don't see eye to eye on how President Bush is doing or how to go about looking for a new job, it doesn't mean you're headed for divorce. Remember that before things around you got harried, there were plenty of shared interests and values that brought you together. 'Avoid sentences that begin with 'How can I be with someone who believes X, Y or Z?'' says Batha. 'Don't exaggerate your problems.' Don't jump to any conclusions about your relationship; give the anxiety, anger, sadness and other strong emotions time to settle.
Get counseling. If you're frustrated that things aren't calming down for you and your partner despite your best efforts, consider seeing a therapist, either together or separately. If this is your first experience with therapy, remember that many other individuals and couples are trying counseling for the first time these days. Here are some places you can turn to for advice and professional referrals:
The Center for Mental Health Services [www.mentalhealth.org]
The American Psychological Association [www.apa.org]
Therapist Locator [ www.therapistlocator.net
