How do you motivate yourself to be the 'better person'?

How do you do it?

I'm sure you know, we have issues with some of my IL's.

So, when people crap on you, how do you motivate yourself to be the better person when you need to deal with them?

I dont' have any problems with my inlaws, but when DH and I have blow up arguments it really helps to talk things out. He's very laid back, never holds grudges, doesn't stay mad about anything. I try very hard to emulate him and try not to let the little things bother me. I usually realize that whatever I was angry about is not worth jeopardizing our relationship over.

I think that's what you need to think about with your inlaws. Unfortunately, in order to have a relationship with your DH, you need to have one with them as well. You just have to tell yourself that your marriage means much much more than any problems you have with them.

First of all, I do believe in karma. I do think what goes around, comes around, in terms of how you treat other people. Sometimes thinking about that makes me feel better. If it is not a family member, I often say to myself, 'Thank God I am not realted to that person!!' (which may not help you a lot....)

Second, I try to look at the big picture and in the grand scheme of things, most small, petty arguments and annoying things really don't matter all that much. I also don't want to give other people the satisfaction of seeing me stoop to their level, or being as petty as they are. I don't want to be that person that holds on to everything that was said about me or everything that was done to me, because ultimately, it affects me and wears me down, not the other person.

Finally, I think I look at the relationship as a whole. If someone does something to me that upsets me, it does affect how I feel about them and possibly how much I choose to involve them in my life in the future. But, I will ask myself if this action is offensive or upsetting enough to end the relationship over. Ususally it isn't, and I just try to prepare myself for future run-ins with that person. I can't control what other people do, but I can control how I react to what they do.

Having spent the last 12 days in classes, I'll get a little theoretical...

Hanlon's Razor is the postulation that states, ``Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity''. I truly feel that most people who have the time to spend harboring grudges and thinking up schemes are just stupid and have nothing better to spend their time on. Since I really am too busy and my mind has way too much to think about, I just pity their feeble minds and move on.

I had alot of problems with a few family members a while back, and I did alot of self-help and exploration. This is what works for me (on a good day. Alot of the time I still get flaming mad!)

Usualy it helps me to NOT get angry at them for their behavior, but really just feel sorry for them and their limitations. It helps to repeat it to myself over and over ('She must be a really sad and insecure person to act like that. I pity her.')

Then I try and step back and put the situation in perspective. So many times it does not have to do with you personally, but with them - their issues, their drama, their psychosis acting out. For the most part, people who act out WANT you to react. This fuels them. I have found it is infuriating for certain people NOT to get a reaction. They end up looking so stupid in the end.

It's hard to 'take the higher road' but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. It literally takes practice. You have to get your head around the fact that they are not 'winning' when they crap on you. Feel sorry for them and continue on with YOUR life. Spending too much time obsessing about the TOXIC behavior of others is a major waste of your own time and sanity. You have to let it go, because if you are bothered by them, they 'win.' They got what they wanted! They got under your skin. By just taking a deep breath, ignoring them (even visually imagining the 'comment' being bounced off of you, or rolling off of you can be helpful!) and keep on keeping on - if you can successfully do this over and over again, the coomments WILL stop. If they don't have fuel, they can't go on forever...

I have heard this is a good book:
Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

And this is just good in general:
Dealing with Difficult People (Bramson)

Just persist! You can't change other people, but you CAN change your reaction to them.

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Posted by nov04LIbride

Having spent the last 12 days in classes, I'll get a little theoretical...

Hanlon's Razor is the postulation that states, ``Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity''. I truly feel that most people who have the time to spend harboring grudges and thinking up schemes are just stupid and have nothing better to spend their time on. Since I really am too busy and my mind has way too much to think about, I just pity their feeble minds and move on.

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I like this way of thinking.