How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
nrvbrd
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How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
I know in my case- family is very sacred and I am sure that is the case for probably everyone here.
My question is have you found yourself speaking out of turn about his family? Giving opinions about them in a not so nice way.
I bring this up because I want to pat myself on the back. I have noticed that for a while now I have gotten so much better at this.
This weekend DH was telling me about how upset he was with his brother and you know what I just listened and interjected a brief comment and kept it movin. I have been doing that alot lately.
I will give you an example from my less than tactful days many years ago:
DH: I am so upset with my brother's , they are so irresponsible and they can never keep a job.
Me: Well if your parents did not baby them so much maybe they would learn to act like adults.
I have come a long way.
How do you guys deal- and what boundaries do you adhere to?
BTW- Hubby never talks about my family.
antoinette
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
This is an area that I really need to work on becuase Im sooo bad. I often say things about dh family that I shouldnt. But they are very involved in our lives maybe more so than other families( def more than mine)- so many of the things they do affect me and my everyday life so sometimes I feel entitled to say something if i dont like it. But I have to learn to bite my toungue- sometimes I go to far.
shamma
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
Unless he is saying something, then I am not saying anything no matter how much it is killing me. I leave well enough alone, they say blood is thicker than water and I do believe that statement. I hold my tongue even when it is obvious, I leave it up to him to say and I might agree or just smile and nod
Betty
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
`I feel exactly the same way as Shamma. There are MANY times I would love to say something but I don't. I wait for him to say something or I hold my tongue. Blood is definately thicker than water and no matter how much my family can drive me crazy you better not talk bad about them or I will be very defensive. I know DH feels the same way.
nrvbrd
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
You guys already are doing what I am just learning to do.
I can concur with Antoinettte in the fact that I am very close to DH and his family. Their actions sometimes have bearings on me and life so at times it was hard to keep my mouth shut- now I am learning.
natasha
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
I learned the hard to not get involved in my hubby's family affairs. I keep my comments to myself. I also feel that because I don't make judgemental comments, he feels that he can tell me things.
VickiC
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
I try and watch what I say (or rather don't say!) unless I am asked directly or unless I am so upset about something that I say what I want no matter what.
I have learned that it's sometimes better to just keep my mouth shut about some things and wait until I can vent to my sister!
nrvbrd
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
Posted by natasha
I learned the hard to not get involved in my hubby's family affairs. I keep my comments to myself. I also feel that because I don't make judgemental comments, he feels that he can tell me things.
Me too.
Claud2001
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
I am in a constant learning process over this issue. I am trying to be better about keeping my opinions about his family to myself (or, not even waste my own energy having them!)
DH and I have both been hurt by each other's family members once or twice over the years. It's not always easy bringing your spouse into the life of your family - there's no history to bind them, and no understanding of the history that existed before they were around.
We just try to remain supportive of each other, and listen (ONLY) when the other needs to vent. When asked for advice or feedback, we've made a pact to keep it as positive as possible - especially for the sake of our son, b/c we want him to develop a sense of loyalty and affection for ALL his family members, regardless of how Mommy and Daddy may 'feel' about them.
shamma
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
Posted by natasha
I learned the hard to not get involved in my hubby's family affairs. I keep my comments to myself. I also feel that because I don't make judgemental comments, he feels that he can tell me things.
Can the church say amen
I learn this early, I hate feeling like my husband can't tell me anything b/c I never have anything good to say or I have my mind already made up, this does not encourage him to talk, b/c it makes him get on the defensive, b/c he feels he has to defend his family or his friends, things have gotten so much better since I have learned this lesson. One day at a time.
alina
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
A phrase I heard recently (albeit in Russian):
'We're given a language to keep quiet about our thoughts'
I would like to practice it more often
Xelindrya
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Re: How involved do you get in each other's family matters?
I often feel as if Jim & I live on a totally different world. My family makes very little sense to me when they get into one of their ‘moods’. His family just cracks me up when they get moody. Not all of it is fun and yes I think his brother is a moron with no common sense, but so does he so it’s just a mutual acceptance and shrug. My brother has his moments of complete stupidity and lack of responsibility but I agree so Jim and I just sort of stay out of it.
We do our own thing. We talk about our family issues but it’s more like gossiping about co-workers than family members. I’m extra extra close to my father and brother. There is no one (including Jim) more important to me and Jim knows that. He also knows there’s a reason I live more than one THOUSAND miles away from them.
Yes, I do confront him on his family if necessary. He does the same for mine. It has to be important though and we respect each other enough to know if it’s being brought up, it has to be serious. Neither of us would risk insulting a family member. Too much pride going on there. But we are a team.
