How would you handle this situation?

Ok, so it's the night before your wedding and you're at the reception hall getting everything prepared. You are DIY'ing your centerpieces which are LOTS of flowers. You are DIY'ing MANY other things.......you have your mom, FMIL, FFIL and a BM there.....

Now picture your DH, sitting at the rehearsal venue drinking and talking with his buddies,........

You call your fiance and ask him when he is coming to the reception hall to help.....(this call is at 9pm). He replies with, 'I'll be there at 10...I promise'........10 rolls around, no FI, 11, no FI.......1am, NO FI. During this time you have called him and got his voicemail......He has NOT phoned you at all. At 2am, when you are finished with the hall becuase your FI NEVER showed up, you get finally call ONE more time and he answers and is HAMMERED. At this point, you are so tired from all the work you just put in, and because he wasn't there.....that added MORE work........you are too tired to deal with his drunk AS$. Keep in mind that you had two truck loads full of stuff for the hall including EVERYTHING for the reception.........

Come morning, which was 5 hours away, you wake up.......LATE, and don't have time to wash your hair......your tired....you look tired.....your sore.....your hair isn't working because it never got washed.....you're P'd off.

But, it's your wedding day and you try to put it behind you for that day.........and you do.

But you now look back at your pictures and remember everything..........and are upset.

How would you handle this with your now DH? Say he has said sorry, but has never made it up to you.....and feels that it's not a big deal what he did.....what would you do. Would you still have anger toward him? Resentment? Other feelings?

ugh......I know how you think.
The sensible side of me says that men just don't give a crap about flowers and setting up, and all that stuff.....they are just enjoying the moment and trying to relax....and have some fun.....not realizing or fully appreciating how much work, effort, agony and love went into this process.
THe sensible part of me is also saying....its over! Don't dwell!

HOWEVER, the realist side of me is saying....I TOTALLY EMPATHIZE WITH THIS SITUATION, and can really understand how you must feel.
I am STILL PISSED about certain things that happened at my wedding, and still resentful toward some people who dissappointed me..............and angry at people for certain things....and very resentful.................so what I would do if I were this person in this situation is put a post on this site and VENT about it, and perhaps tell my DH in a nonconfrontational way (if possible) how I was really DISSAPPOINTED in him. (Disappointed is a GREAT word to use in this situation b/c it won't evoke anger....just guilt.)

First off - I'm very sorry that this happened to you.
Secondly - I think your hair looked beautiful!
Third - I would be very very very upset with DH if he ever did something like that. There is no excuse for it. The wedding is for the both of you and he should have been helping with everything leading up to the big day. this is why I don't understand why some FH's didn't help their future wives during the months/years of planning? They might not be suggesting flowers and colors to you...but when you ask for help and give them a task - there is no reason for them not to do it. Thanfuly, DH was with me every step of the way. He helped in absolutely everything except for my dress, veil, makeup and hair. He even stayed up the night before the wedding putting together our favors with me and my mom.
Ok, sorry for the digression. back to you. I see that he's apologized and i guess that has to be enough at this point. His doing something (buying flowers, taking you out etc..) will never take back what he did. It absolutely positively suucks that he acted like that and you're probably never going to forget it, but I guess you have to forgive. for better or for worse, right?

I'm really sorry, again. It must feel pretty bad to look at your wedding pics and have that nagging thought in the back of your head. But I'm being honest when I say that you looked amazing and your hair was flawless! I didn't wash my hair the day of my wedding either. My hair dressed told me to wash it the night before (This is me trying to help in any little way that I can)

btw, did he ever tell you why he went out drinking that night? Did he explain himself?

IMO: I think that you need to weigh your options here. Will you be able to get over it on your own without bringing it up to him or is this something that will eat at your until you bring it up.
If it is going to eat your up then you need to sit down with him and tell him how that made you feel even if it seems silly to bring it up now so many months later.
I had a similar situation not quite as severe. DH was too busy partying with the GM the night before the wedding and showed up a little buzzed to the rehearsal (which was at a church). Him being late caused us to be 45 minutes late for our rehearsal dinner. After the wedding and the HM, I wanted so badly to tell him how angry I was at him, but I didn't. I figured that I was able to forgive him and it would only start an unnecessary argument if I brought it up. If it was something that was constantly on my mind I would have said something to him.

you looked absolutely gorgoues on your wedding day and when i look at your pictures i dont see sadness at all, i see a beautiful and happy bride in a gorgoues gown!

What you see is different though than what i see and what everyone else sees. What your DH did was wrong and selfish and he should feel like a piece of shhhhh, excuse my language, for what he did. He obviously does feel awful about being so irresponsible and immature and honestly people do make mistakes sometimes. Im a big believer in forgiving people if they truly and sincerely feel horrible for hurting you. He was with his silly friends, which is not an excuse by the way, but it made the pressure to stay there alot worse.....your wedding is over now, the CP's came out fabulous, the favors were given out, enjoy your married life together and keep whats in the past, precisely there b/c thats where it belongs. You both have a beautiful HM too long foward too and a beautiful life together to look foward too.

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Posted by EverlovingEv

First off - I'm very sorry that this happened to you.
Secondly - I think your hair looked beautiful!
Third - I would be very very very upset with DH if he ever did something like that. There is no excuse for it. The wedding is for the both of you and he should have been helping with everything leading up to the big day. this is why I don't understand why some FH's didn't help their future wives during the months/years of planning? They might not be suggesting flowers and colors to you...but when you ask for help and give them a task - there is no reason for them not to do it. Thanfuly, DH was with me every step of the way. He helped in absolutely everything except for my dress, veil, makeup and hair. He even stayed up the night before the wedding putting together our favors with me and my mom.
Ok, sorry for the digression. back to you. I see that he's apologized and i guess that has to be enough at this point. His doing something (buying flowers, taking you out etc..) will never take back what he did. It absolutely positively suucks that he acted like that and you're probably never going to forget it, but I guess you have to forgive. for better or for worse, right?

I'm really sorry, again. It must feel pretty bad to look at your wedding pics and have that nagging thought in the back of your head. But I'm being honest when I say that you looked amazing and your hair was flawless! I didn't wash my hair the day of my wedding either. My hair dressed told me to wash it the night before (This is me trying to help in any little way that I can)

btw, did he ever tell you why he went out drinking that night? Did he explain himself?

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Thanks Ev..........

You are sooooo lucky that you DH was with you every step of the way....you truly are....and I think that just shows how truly respectful he is towards you and your relationship...as a person and as a couple........ so you should feel blessed to of had that support from him.....you lucky thang!

He said they just got drinking and wasn't watching the time........they were sitting on the rooftop of the rehearsal venue drinking......he never thought of calling me back because they were talking and it slipped his mind. He said his phone was on vibrate......blah, blah, blah.

I feel that I should forgive him and I know a lot of people would, but it's been SOOOOOOO difficult to do so and I feel terrible that I am being this way, but I just can't help but feel totally disrespected, you know? I don't know.......

I know I have to move on from this.....I just don't know how.........I wish I could just forget the entire thing.........

It's not really about my hair as that is such a small thing, it's just the entire day......the idea that he chose to stay with the guys and drink over being with me to help me with lifting all the heavy things...preparing things......just everything......

BLAH!

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Posted by LitBallerinaGirl

IMO: I think that you need to weigh your options here. Will you be able to get over it on your own without bringing it up to him or is this something that will eat at your until you bring it up.
If it is going to eat your up then you need to sit down with him and tell him how that made you feel even if it seems silly to bring it up now so many months later.
I had a similar situation not quite as severe. DH was too busy partying with the GM the night before the wedding and showed up a little buzzed to the rehearsal (which was at a church). Him being late caused us to be 45 minutes late for our rehearsal dinner. After the wedding and the HM, I wanted so badly to tell him how angry I was at him, but I didn't. I figured that I was able to forgive him and it would only start an unnecessary argument if I brought it up. If it was something that was constantly on my mind I would have said something to him.

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I have brought it up to him.....he said he was sorry, but we all know our guys and we all know when they are being genuine or if they are saying that ONLY to end the conversation......and that's what he was doing. ......

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Posted by billandme

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Posted by LitBallerinaGirl

IMO: I think that you need to weigh your options here. Will you be able to get over it on your own without bringing it up to him or is this something that will eat at your until you bring it up.
If it is going to eat your up then you need to sit down with him and tell him how that made you feel even if it seems silly to bring it up now so many months later.
I had a similar situation not quite as severe. DH was too busy partying with the GM the night before the wedding and showed up a little buzzed to the rehearsal (which was at a church). Him being late caused us to be 45 minutes late for our rehearsal dinner. After the wedding and the HM, I wanted so badly to tell him how angry I was at him, but I didn't. I figured that I was able to forgive him and it would only start an unnecessary argument if I brought it up. If it was something that was constantly on my mind I would have said something to him.

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I have brought it up to him.....he said he was sorry, but we all know our guys and we all know when they are being genuine or if they are saying that ONLY to end the conversation......and that's what he was doing. ......

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Then thats a TOTALLY different story...!!!!!!!

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Posted by milana

you looked absolutely gorgoues on your wedding day and when i look at your pictures i dont see sadness at all, i see a beautiful and happy bride in a gorgoues gown!

What you see is different though than what i see and what everyone else sees. What your DH did was wrong and selfish and he should feel like a piece of shhhhh, excuse my language, for what he did. He obviously does feel awful about being so irresponsible and immature and honestly people do make mistakes sometimes. Im a big believer in forgiving people if they truly and sincerely feel horrible for hurting you. He was with his silly friends, which is not an excuse by the way, but it made the pressure to stay there alot worse.....your wedding is over now, the CP's came out fabulous, the favors were given out, enjoy your married life together and keep whats in the past, precisely there b/c thats where it belongs. You both have a beautiful HM too long foward too and a beautiful life together to look foward too.

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Thanks Milana.......

You are right with what you have said and I know how guys can get when they're together......I guess I am holding all this resentment inside of me because I was just SOOOO mad at him and I was truly embarrased. I mean, his mom and dad were there.....and he didn't show up.....maybe I shouldn't have been embarrased, maybe they as parents should have been.....I don't know. I guess I just have to work on this and see what happens. It's the only way to get through it.......

Oh and about the honeymoon that we've been planning for our one year anniversary.......well, that got changed because his brother and fiance decided to get marreid the weekend we'd be away....you know, right during our one year anniversary

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Posted by billandme


Thanks Ev..........

You are sooooo lucky that you DH was with you every step of the way....you truly are....and I think that just shows how truly respectful he is towards you and your relationship...as a person and as a couple........ so you should feel blessed to of had that support from him.....you lucky thang!

He said they just got drinking and wasn't watching the time........they were sitting on the rooftop of the rehearsal venue drinking......he never thought of calling me back because they were talking and it slipped his mind. He said his phone was on vibrate......blah, blah, blah.

I feel that I should forgive him and I know a lot of people would, but it's been SOOOOOOO difficult to do so and I feel terrible that I am being this way, but I just can't help but feel totally disrespected, you know? I don't know.......

I know I have to move on from this.....I just don't know how.........I wish I could just forget the entire thing.........

It's not really about my hair as that is such a small thing, it's just the entire day......the idea that he chose to stay with the guys and drink over being with me to help me with lifting all the heavy things...preparing things......just everything......

BLAH!

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Sweetie, you have to move on from this but you also have to take care of yourself and if this is making you incredibly upset, then you have to find a way to deal with it- whether it's talking to DH or working throught this by yourself. I competely sympathized with you and wish I could give you a hug and hit DH in the head with a 'be more considerate stick' to wisen him up.
I really dont have any good advice regarding this...I hope it gets resolved soon.

As for him thinking this shouldn't be a big deal to you - that is 100% wrong. In the past, whenever I would get upset over soemthing DH did and he didn't understand why and would say things like 'it's not a big deal' I would get so furious! How dare you tell me that my emotions are not a big deal??? I feel a certain way and you made me feel this way now fix it! Don't let him make you feel bad for feeling the way that you do. DH and I call it 'discounting' when he doesn't think my reasons for being upset at him are good enough. He's gotten better at listening to me and not just hoping I get over it. I truly hope the same for you

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Posted by billandme

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Posted by LitBallerinaGirl

IMO: I think that you need to weigh your options here. Will you be able to get over it on your own without bringing it up to him or is this something that will eat at your until you bring it up.
If it is going to eat your up then you need to sit down with him and tell him how that made you feel even if it seems silly to bring it up now so many months later.
I had a similar situation not quite as severe. DH was too busy partying with the GM the night before the wedding and showed up a little buzzed to the rehearsal (which was at a church). Him being late caused us to be 45 minutes late for our rehearsal dinner. After the wedding and the HM, I wanted so badly to tell him how angry I was at him, but I didn't. I figured that I was able to forgive him and it would only start an unnecessary argument if I brought it up. If it was something that was constantly on my mind I would have said something to him.

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I have brought it up to him.....he said he was sorry, but we all know our guys and we all know when they are being genuine or if they are saying that ONLY to end the conversation......and that's what he was doing. ......

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Sounds like this is really bothering you, and that you are not happy with the outcome of your first chat. If that is the case then I think you need to address it again. These are your feelings and they are not to be taken lightly just to try to end a conversation.
I hope that everything works out and that you get the closure that you need from this!

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Posted by EverlovingEv

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Posted by billandme


Thanks Ev..........

You are sooooo lucky that you DH was with you every step of the way....you truly are....and I think that just shows how truly respectful he is towards you and your relationship...as a person and as a couple........ so you should feel blessed to of had that support from him.....you lucky thang!

He said they just got drinking and wasn't watching the time........they were sitting on the rooftop of the rehearsal venue drinking......he never thought of calling me back because they were talking and it slipped his mind. He said his phone was on vibrate......blah, blah, blah.

I feel that I should forgive him and I know a lot of people would, but it's been SOOOOOOO difficult to do so and I feel terrible that I am being this way, but I just can't help but feel totally disrespected, you know? I don't know.......

I know I have to move on from this.....I just don't know how.........I wish I could just forget the entire thing.........

It's not really about my hair as that is such a small thing, it's just the entire day......the idea that he chose to stay with the guys and drink over being with me to help me with lifting all the heavy things...preparing things......just everything......

BLAH!

---

Sweetie, you have to move on from this but you also have to take care of yourself and if this is making you incredibly upset, then you have to find a way to deal with it- whether it's talking to DH or working throught this by yourself. I competely sympathized with you and wish I could give you a hug and hit DH in the head with a 'be more considerate stick' to wisen him up.
I really dont have any good advice regarding this...I hope it gets resolved soon.

As for him thinking this shouldn't be a big deal to you - that is 100% wrong. In the past, whenever I would get upset over soemthing DH did and he didn't understand why and would say things like 'it's not a big deal' I would get so furious! How dare you tell me that my emotions are not a big deal??? I feel a certain way and you made me feel this way now fix it! Don't let him make you feel bad for feeling the way that you do. DH and I call it 'discounting' when he doesn't think my reasons for being upset at him are good enough. He's gotten better at listening to me and not just hoping I get over it. I truly hope the same for you

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Thank you so much..... I will truly take your advice.....

But in the meantime, can I borrow that stick?????

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Posted by LitBallerinaGirl

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Posted by billandme

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Posted by LitBallerinaGirl

IMO: I think that you need to weigh your options here. Will you be able to get over it on your own without bringing it up to him or is this something that will eat at your until you bring it up.
If it is going to eat your up then you need to sit down with him and tell him how that made you feel even if it seems silly to bring it up now so many months later.
I had a similar situation not quite as severe. DH was too busy partying with the GM the night before the wedding and showed up a little buzzed to the rehearsal (which was at a church). Him being late caused us to be 45 minutes late for our rehearsal dinner. After the wedding and the HM, I wanted so badly to tell him how angry I was at him, but I didn't. I figured that I was able to forgive him and it would only start an unnecessary argument if I brought it up. If it was something that was constantly on my mind I would have said something to him.

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I have brought it up to him.....he said he was sorry, but we all know our guys and we all know when they are being genuine or if they are saying that ONLY to end the conversation......and that's what he was doing. ......

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Sounds like this is really bothering you, and that you are not happy with the outcome of your first chat. If that is the case then I think you need to address it again. These are your feelings and they are not to be taken lightly just to try to end a conversation.
I hope that everything works out and that you get the closure that you need from this!

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Thank you very much......I hope I get the closure I need as well.......I really do. I think it will take a lot of work on my end, but I think it will eventually be OK.......just not overnight.......but thank you again for listening and giving your advice.....

It sounds like youve talked to DH about this before, because you said that he has apologized. Well.. if it was seriously nagging me I might bring it up again, not in a punishing way or as if youre holding a grudge, but to have a serious heart to heart and basically say...'Look...I know we have talked about this before, but I can't help that it is bothering me still. I just really need you to know how that it was a very big deal to me what happened. I needed you and you weren't there and it didn't feel like you cared, etc..' your own words/feelings obviously.

But Id really think about it before bringing it up since time has passed and youve already had a conversation about it. It could be one of those situations where you need to 'choose your battles'...if you think some sort of better understaning and resolution will come out of it and it will be for the better, id approach it. For example, if you think it will make him more tuned in in the future and come through more often for you, go for it. If you think he will only be annoyed that youre bringing this up again and you don't think much will change, maybe Id think about whether its worth it or not to revisit the subject since you, hopefully, did have such a wonderful wedding!

I have to say, in my own experience, I don't know what I would have done without having DH's help with all the boxes we dropped off to the RH and packing up all our crap after the wedding. So I can see how youd be very upset about him not helping out.

Its tough with guys tho, generally speaking...I dont think they see wedding things like we do (not that that lets them off the hook- it should be somewhat impt to them bc its so impt to us). They might not understand how much all the details mean to us, etc. I felt like I planned 100% of the wedding, but thankfully when DH saw how exhausted I was at times, he'd join the assembly line and relieve me for a while with some projects.

GL with this!!

I dont think that in the essence of things you can gain anything or replace those hurt feelings by talking to him. I can understand being upset, but you have to look at it differently.
Was your wedding fantastic? Did you marry the love of your life? etc. etc.

These are the things that really matter in the end, not the pictures, not the dress, not your m/u...none of that. Right now YES if I were you I would be LIVID...but in the end, and almost everyone I know says it, in 5 years you will not be looking at your wedding pictures the way you do now. You are still excited about the day, if it really bothers you talk to him about a day after, you cant get much back but you can make yourself feel a little better about the whole situation.

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Posted by billandme

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Posted by EverlovingEv

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Posted by billandme


Thanks Ev..........

You are sooooo lucky that you DH was with you every step of the way....you truly are....and I think that just shows how truly respectful he is towards you and your relationship...as a person and as a couple........ so you should feel blessed to of had that support from him.....you lucky thang!

He said they just got drinking and wasn't watching the time........they were sitting on the rooftop of the rehearsal venue drinking......he never thought of calling me back because they were talking and it slipped his mind. He said his phone was on vibrate......blah, blah, blah.

I feel that I should forgive him and I know a lot of people would, but it's been SOOOOOOO difficult to do so and I feel terrible that I am being this way, but I just can't help but feel totally disrespected, you know? I don't know.......

I know I have to move on from this.....I just don't know how.........I wish I could just forget the entire thing.........

It's not really about my hair as that is such a small thing, it's just the entire day......the idea that he chose to stay with the guys and drink over being with me to help me with lifting all the heavy things...preparing things......just everything......

BLAH!

---

Sweetie, you have to move on from this but you also have to take care of yourself and if this is making you incredibly upset, then you have to find a way to deal with it- whether it's talking to DH or working throught this by yourself. I competely sympathized with you and wish I could give you a hug and hit DH in the head with a 'be more considerate stick' to wisen him up.
I really dont have any good advice regarding this...I hope it gets resolved soon.

As for him thinking this shouldn't be a big deal to you - that is 100% wrong. In the past, whenever I would get upset over soemthing DH did and he didn't understand why and would say things like 'it's not a big deal' I would get so furious! How dare you tell me that my emotions are not a big deal??? I feel a certain way and you made me feel this way now fix it! Don't let him make you feel bad for feeling the way that you do. DH and I call it 'discounting' when he doesn't think my reasons for being upset at him are good enough. He's gotten better at listening to me and not just hoping I get over it. I truly hope the same for you

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Thank you so much..... I will truly take your advice.....

But in the meantime, can I borrow that stick?????

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Sorry sweetie, I can't give it away. Never know when I'll need it for my DH. Try ebay, maybe?