For Newlyweds Only - I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

nycchic_24 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 12:43 PM

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I am in such a bad mood. I am so depressed and in such a messed up situation. I need advice or just kind words right now at this point. This is the story:

DH and I rent an apartment from my mom who owns the house. My mom doesnt live here in the house but lives in an apartment 2 blocks away from us. We agreed to live here for much cheaper rent but in return my husband was supposed to be the one who takes care of the maitenance. Now, my husband is an electrician is local 3 and is always busy but he also is a procrastinator. He has started jobs on the house that havent been fnished and now my mom is MAD! I tried to talk to him about it and all he does it get angry at me and my mom. This situation is NOT WORKING OUT! I am on the phone now with my mom screamiing at me about my husband and when he comes home from work I know me and him are going have a big fight. I am ALWAYS in the middle between the 2 of them and I feel myself burning out. Im tired of being in the middle. Im tired of fighting with the 2 of them. Honestly, I am tired of everything. I have only been married 2 months and I am so stressed.

My mom is alone (my parents r seperated) and I know that she needs help but I feel stuck in a situation I cant get out of. She is right in some areas but most of the time shes very controlling. She still talks to me like im 10 and Im a married woman now. And my husband NEVER listen to me the way a husband should listen. He thinks he is ALWAYS right and doesnt take constructive criticism well at all. I dont know what to do. My mom and husband are fighting, me and mom, husband and I....I am ready to just give up.

I dont know what to say to either of them. I want to just be happy and live my life. If I tell mom we are moving her response is...thanks a lot..if i tell my dh that we arent moving his response is...u gotta be kidding me. When do i do what i want to do???? If this is what marriage is about...then honestly, I dont want it. I cant keep fighting with everyone. Its making me literally sick and I am burning out. I just need a word of advice? Am i wrong? What do i do?? This post may not make much sense,,but right now Im very upset.

2003wedding. Posted: Jan 25, 2003 12:50 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Hang in there! try to talk it out with each of them and letting them both know how you feel---i am soorry that i can't be more help but stay strong and vent to us anytime--hugs to you

Teri Posted: Jan 25, 2003 01:15 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

sorry you're going through this If you want my honest opinion, it sounds like you DH isn't holding up to his end of the bargain. I can see why your mom is upset, since you moved to the house knowing the rent would be cheaper, if he was to help out.

The only suggestion I have it so calmly speak to DH and try to come to some sort of compromise. Of course no one wants to only work 24/7, but since you both agreed to this deal maybe you can work out a plan where he's putting more time in with helping your mom too.

Hang in there

ChristineC68 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 01:16 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a terrible situation.

You need to explain to your husband that he should not over extend himself - this way it sounds more like he's doing too much vs. not doing something right. So it's not exactly criticism

Tell your mother that she needs to decide what's most important for your husband to do. Explain that you are newlyweds and that there are so many hours in a day and that you want to help but everything cannot be done at once.

Or you could offer to pay a higher rent which would allow your mother to hire someone to get things done and leave you and your husband free to do what you want.

I hope you are all able to work out something that lets everyone feel like they are getting what they want, especially you

applesfla Posted: Jan 25, 2003 01:55 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I am so sorry that you have been put into the middle of this situation. You said that your husband is a procrastinator...maybe you could try to help him with some projects. There may not be much you can do to help (maybe just handing him a tool here and there) but maybe that will help him get his butt moving.

Also, if this is a deal that was made maybe you should try to step out of the middle of this situation and make it more like a business deal between your husband and your mom.

I hope it all works out for you. Were here if you need us.

dkga1026 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 02:28 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I am soooo sorry to hear that you are this upset!! Firstly, calm down and do not be angry when your husband gets home. Try to see his side of it - he works hard everyday and wants to rest when he comes home. Also try to see your mom's side of it - she is asking for her rightful share of the deal. Speak calmly to your husband as if you are on his side (even if you don't feel it 100%) Explain that you understand that he comes home tired, but that your mom has a point too and that the job needs to get done. Ask him what kind of a schedule would work for him. If he doesn't work on Sundays, maybe he can devote 2 or 3 hours to working in the house. Make it clear that this doesn't have to get done right away, but that as long as there is progress, that's good. I also agree with Michelle - offer to help him, or at least stick aorund while he's working so that he knows you're in on this too. As for your mom, tell her to calm down and reassure her that the job will get done - maybe not when she wants it, but soon enough. If none of this works, then I agree that maybe you should offer to pay higher rent until everything is fixed by an outside party - then your hubby can agree to do the maintenance work and your rent can be lowered after that. Whatever you do, do not let your mom's anger pit you against your husband - this is never a good thing. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

jms0176 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 02:40 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I personally would move. It sounds like your Mom is looking for a free maintenance repair person. This may be too much pressure for your husband. It certainly sounds like it's putting a strain on everyone. Your Mom will get over this. It sounds like she is also trying to make you feel guilty because she is alone. My Mom is alone too, so believe me, I know all her tricks! Saying 'stop trying to make me feel guilty' usually stops her right in her tracks. Once you move and you are not in each other's space, you and DH may get along better with her. Good Luck.

NovemberSue Posted: Jan 25, 2003 02:45 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. I think you should nicely talk to your husband & see when he can do a little of these things he promised your mom. Then talk to your mom and tell her that it will be done. Sometimes you can get someone to do something just the way you word it and say it. For example, you can say to your husband,'do you think this weekend you can fix ______ because your mom really needs that fixed.' You certainly don't want to have your mom and husband on bad terms and don't want everyone to be fighting.I think that your husband made an agreement with your mom to do these things & that is why she gave you a break on the rent. I think he needs to do these things in all fairness to your mom,that was the agreement. I hope everything is straightened out. A marriage should be give and take on both sides. You shouldn't be fighting like this.I hope everything is better soon.Can you reason with your husband?

nycchic_24 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 02:54 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

thats the problem..there is no reasoning with him. He is very head strong. Last night when i approached him i started out by saying that i wasnt going to yell or fight with him and that i wasnt taking sides but that i thought the both of them were making valid points. I asked him if he could focus more on the house and the projects he has started because my mom is upset that the house is in worse shape now than before he moved in. He followed upby screaming at me that this was bull*!*% and that he was not doing work for my mom anymore cause she is annoying. He also yelled at me that he wanted to move or he wanted out of the marriage. My husband is very loud and always says things that I take with a grain of salt..its just his personality but last night I was so upset cause I went from my mom yelling at me about him to him yelling at me about my mom. I have tried every approach and nothing seems to work with either of them. Thanks for the advice though ladies. You have helped me alot.

dkga1026 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 03:01 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

After reading your last post, it sounds to me like the best option is for you to move out. This is causing way too much strain on your marriage. Also, maybe try and talk to your husband about how marriage is a compromise and he can't just shut you out of discussions with anger. That's what many people do to end an issue they don't feel like dealing with - they get angry and 'scare' the other person off. I think if you move out, things will be better with your mom too. I can only imagine how upset you must be. I'm sorry!

NovemberSue Posted: Jan 25, 2003 03:06 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I'm so sorry you are going through all this.I think your best option might be to move out then. Your husband really shouldn't end the conversation with an arguement.He should be able to discuss things calmly. I hope things get better soon.

NovemberSue Posted: Jan 25, 2003 03:13 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Would you think of living in Elecchester?

natasha Posted: Jan 25, 2003 06:25 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Since both of them want to fight with you, instead of sitting down and working this out. You may be better off moving. Do you think its is possible for them to sit down and come up with a schedule that is satisfactory to both of them?

When things calm down, talk to your husband about his comments about being out of the marriage. You will face many obstacles in your marriage life, and that should not be bought up in an argument. I wish you all the best.

shamma Posted: Jan 25, 2003 08:48 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

I say you both should move, you and your hubby needs to come to some kind of conclusion as to when he will complete what he started. Why does your mother run a guilt trip on you?

If you and hubby move, can she rent the place to someone else?? I think that is something you also need to explain to your husband, if he wants to expidite you 2 leaving, so that your mom can rent the place out, he needs to fix it so that it can be suitable to be rented out.

Maybe when you and hubby are away from this situation, things will improve, just reading what you have written, I think your hubby does not feel like he has any say, b/c its not his place.

Procrastination is no excuse. If your hubby refuses to fix what he started, he might have to pay someone to finish what he has started. I do not think it is right to leave your mother's place that way.

I wish you all the best Noreen. Take care and know that we are always here to listen.

nycchic_24 Posted: Jan 25, 2003 10:27 PM

Re: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. My mom actually had said all those things and i think is not being unreasonable. Dh on the other hand is having an attitude problem lately. Ill just have to knock some sense into him j/k.

You are all so wonderful and I was waiting for Shamma to chime in! Thank you all so much and i will keep you updated.