I wish I was stronger...

The past few weeks have been hard for me...and only getting worse each day. DH is gone all week training in the field and we have limited contact -- he calls for about 5 minutes each night and thats it. We've been thru this before where he's been away for much longer with less contact, but I was living home with my parents and working full time. Now with us living in GA, knowing only one or two people, and im not working, its been torture. I hate the apartment, I'm always feeling anxious and sick, etc.

This got me thinking about deployment, which will come sometime next year....probably around christmas time next year. I always thought I was strong enough for it and it'll be hard but I can do it. But now, after these few weeks of living in our aparment alone without him, I'm realizing that theres no way I can do it. I definately need to go back and live at home in NY with my parents if he's going to be away for anything more than a week at a time. And even still....with living at home....im so worried about how I will deal. I just want to cry right now because I'm so afraid of how its going to effect our relationship.

I guess I just need a place to vent right now. I'm talking to my mom a lot of the phone about things, but she cant do much from NY. And when I try to talk to DH about it I know he feels bad for me, but all he can say is 'well...you have to just deal with it Jenn. This is where we live and this is our life right now' And I know he's right but nothing is making it better. I'm scared to be alone in the house, when I go to a friends house I still feel anxious and depressed, and all I want it to go HOME to new york.

First, I'll tell you that you ARE stronger than you think. It sounds like a trip home would do you some good right now. Situations like this can really test a relationship and a person. But both you and your relationship will be stronger in the long run because of it. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with you staying in NY while your DH is away. However, will it really help you, or are you just runnign from a situation that scares you? That's something you need to decide, perhaps by taking a trip to NY.

I'll tell you a little story that relates to this. When I first went away for college, I went away to CT. I was home every other weekend because I didn't want to be away from my boyfriend at the time. I ended up moving home 2 months later. Now, I don't really regret coming home entirely, but I know I could have made it if I had the strength to stick it out. And I know that I am stronger than that now. I believe you learn from everything in life, mistakes and all. So whatever you decide, you will learn from it and grow stronger.

I agree with Jennifer...you are soo much stronger than you think!! BUT if you feel that when the time comes and he is deployed that you need to come back home, then thats absolutely fine too!!! My sister Jen just moved back in with my parents while her husband is serving in Iraq. She'll return to NC when he returns. Having us here, and her working full time is def helping!! Family and support is sooo important!!! Feel better!! If you want to talk to my sis, let me know!! I'm sure she'd be happy to be able to talk to someone that can relate!!

oh jenn..i am so sorry you are feeling this way. Don't even say you 'wish you were stronger' because honestly I don't even know how you do what you do now! It takes an ENORMOUS amount of strength and love so do NOT down play all that you do already! If and when ur hubby goes off for deployment, i dont think there is anything wrong with you going back to new york for a little while. If you're lonely and unhappy by yourself, you have every right to want to be with family...and i'm sure your DH will understand that. Have a heart to heart with him if you have the time. Yes when he's home or training this is your life like he says, and yes you do have to deal with it. But when he's going to be away for a long extended period of time, explain to him that you need people around...whether it be friends, family or whatever. Whether it be people coming to stay with you for a while, or you going up to new york. Whatever it takes for you to be happy and appreciate your situation a little more, DO IT. You don't want to build up inner resentment, and you dont want your DH building up inner guilt either. You have a very unique situation and you need to remind yourself that you've already been strong throughout all of this time...like i said before..DON'T DOWNPLAY THAT! we're women...we're made to be loved ..and when ur DH goes out for deployment, if being with your mom or having a friend come stay with you for a little while is what you need your DH will understand that. For now, with these days going by you're not together, think of how special the time is that you DO have together...and how much you'll appreciate each other down the road. Remember..it's easy to have faith & endurance when things are easy....it's the tough situations that put it to the test. You can do this! Don't let it put strain on your wonderful marraige u have with a wonderful man. and i know you're probably sick of hearing this...but Time heals all things...my grandma always says 'This too shall pass'..and it's so true. give it time sweetie. things will get easier, and u will eventually feel right in place.
again i'm so sorry that you're feeling down...we're all here for you!

ohhhh Jenn...I'm so sorry you're going through this! I can only imagine how tough it is! I miss my family and they're an hour away! I sort of feel the same way- that my life is really on Long Island and not here in Jersey (other than work and DH). It is about a year you said til he's deployed - Things can change in time...the more people you meet, the more of a social life you build up...it might get better. Try to get involved in the community somehow...are there any hobbies you enjoy? And if you need to be with your family when he's deployed, you are certainly entitled to!


We're all here for you! FM if you need to vent more!

It's a tough situation. I'm in a sort of similar one, although not as drastic.

We moved to Pittsburgh PA so DH could do his clinical psychology internship. He's at owrk easily 12-14 hours a day, so I don't see him much. Also, I quit my job in NY to move here and didn;t find a job for over 2 months. I just started one last week.

Honestly, when he is deployed, I would move home. You'll have a better support system there, but I think you should deal with that step when it comes.

My best advice for right now- get a job. It doesn;t matter if its at Starbucks or Macys or McDonalds. I know you have a college degree and you want to use it, I felt the same way. But any job that gets you out of the house where you get human interaction is better for your morale. It;s hard to sit in an empty apartment all day in a place were you know nobody. I took a PT job at a resteraunt and it made me feel more normal.

You'll adjust with time and the new place will start to feel more like home. It will take time though!

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Posted by jax1023

It's a tough situation. I'm in a sort of similar one, although not as drastic.

We moved to Pittsburgh PA so DH could do his clinical psychology internship. He's at owrk easily 12-14 hours a day, so I don't see him much. Also, I quit my job in NY to move here and didn;t find a job for over 2 months. I just started one last week.

Honestly, when he is deployed, I would move home. You'll have a better support system there, but I think you should deal with that step when it comes.

My best advice for right now- get a job. It doesn;t matter if its at Starbucks or Macys or McDonalds. I know you have a college degree and you want to use it, I felt the same way. But any job that gets you out of the house where you get human interaction is better for your morale. It;s hard to sit in an empty apartment all day in a place were you know nobody. I took a PT job at a resteraunt and it made me feel more normal.

You'll adjust with time and the new place will start to feel more like home. It will take time though!

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I totally agree. A job would keep you focused and help to make new friends. What about church or other soldiers wives? Is there some type of social club. Good Luck, I hope things work out!

thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. It helps just knowing you girls are here for me.

I called my mom tonight crying hysterically -- I felt like I was having a panic attack. I have an empty, sick feeling lately, I've been clentching my jaw constantly, and I cant even clean my apartment because I'm so depressed. I guess I just hadnt realized how bad its gotten. My mom was shocked at how depressed I am -- she said I've been hiding it from everyone lately because she didnt realize how much its effecting everything in my life. Even when Chris came home this past weekend he was yelling about why nothing is done in the apartment -- He said 'you have all this time, why is nothing done?!' and I couldnt even give him an answer. I didnt want to tell him its because im just so depressed.

My mom said I need to contact a therapist immediately and try to get things under control before they start effecting our marriage. And I know she's right. And I need to find a job even if its something like a cashier or something. But I just feel like I could do these things if DH was here with me to help me. I feel like I cant do things alone....I'm scared. For example, on Tuesday I drove over to post and found the Officers Wives Club because I was hoping they'd have a support group or somehting. Well...I drove up, parked the jeep, and sat in the car. I couldnt get out of the car to go get any info. So I drove home. I dont know WHY I did that. I was just so scared. Not of meeting new people or anything....I think I'm afraid to admit I'm having a problem being alone.

I constantly feel like I want to cry. I also want to talk to DH about what I;m going thru, but my mom suggested that I dont overwhelm him with it because every time he talks to me lately I'm depressed and its worrying him. Ughhh....I just wish things were easier and to be honest.....I wish we didnt live this lifestyle. This is something he needs to do for him...and I knew that a long time ago....but omg all I can think is how the heck am I going to deal with 4 years of this?? 4 years of him hardly being around, me being alone, and G-d forbid anything ever happens to him....possibly a lifetime without him?

thanks for listening ladies

Aww honey... Wel the other ladies have summed it up prettyy well. I can relate to a cretain point because my Dh works over the road so he is usually gone from Monday morning before Im up, till Friday night lately. Its hard because I have no friends in NJ-originally from NY and I dont have my lisence yet so its very difficult to get around. Thats nowhere on the scale of your husband being deployed of course, but I do understand being lonely and havin a hard time with it.

But family definetly helps-even going home once a week helps me and I recently started tutoring the kid down the street from us and that helps...You just need to keep busy, whetehr it be at home or in our area now. Find interests, a job and although I don't think you necessarily need a therapist in terms of being nuts -which dont' alllow anyoen to amke you feel that way-it might be good to talk to someone. whether that be a therapist, friend, priest whatever. Doesn't matter. The bottom line is lonlielness hurts the heart and the soul and even more so when you are so worried about your husband in sucha dangerous situatiion. All the feelings are normal and if you were not 'strong enough' you wouldn't have made the decision to live a life with him in the first place.

Just talk to him. he loves you and wants you to be happy and I am sure he will be happier you are with your family, safe and loved, then upset and worrying yourself sick about him in an empty home.

Are there any support groups for military families? There has to be some out there nd maybe talking to other women in similar situations will make you feel less alone. we're all here for you too.

All the other girls have stated this perfectly.....so all I can offer is a lot of these


Maybe find some groups to join....or with the friends you made there ask them to join you when you go the military wives club.....volunteer somewhere.....join a group with fellow dog owners.....maybe get a job at a store....with the holiday season there are bound to be tons of openings

I think your Mom have you great advice when she said that you should look into therapy. You have been through a lot of major life changes in a relatively short amount of time and with all of this alone time, it could be creating the perfect environment for your anxiety and depression. It might do you good to have someone unbiased to talk to about whatever you want-no holds barred- once a week. I hope you feel a little better after posting here and here are some for you.

Oh you are definitely stronger than you think!

It's a tough situation and I do feel your pain. I think that a trip to see family might do you good. But you might also benefit from talking to someone--a therapist or a support group. You aren't alone--you've been through a lot of big life changes in the past couple of months and it's hard to internalize and adjust to it all at one time.

When your DH gets deployed, it might not even be a bad idea to come home to NY for the duration. DH got deployed twice, but luckily I was living at home. A friend of mine was stationed in Colorado when her husband got deployed, and she packed up her son and came back to NY while he was away because she felt the same way you felt. For her, it was the best thing.

I hope it all works out!

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Posted by AeroJenn

thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions. It helps just knowing you girls are here for me.

I called my mom tonight crying hysterically -- I felt like I was having a panic attack. I have an empty, sick feeling lately, I've been clentching my jaw constantly, and I cant even clean my apartment because I'm so depressed. I guess I just hadnt realized how bad its gotten. My mom was shocked at how depressed I am -- she said I've been hiding it from everyone lately because she didnt realize how much its effecting everything in my life. Even when Chris came home this past weekend he was yelling about why nothing is done in the apartment -- He said 'you have all this time, why is nothing done?!' and I couldnt even give him an answer. I didnt want to tell him its because im just so depressed.

My mom said I need to contact a therapist immediately and try to get things under control before they start effecting our marriage. And I know she's right. And I need to find a job even if its something like a cashier or something. But I just feel like I could do these things if DH was here with me to help me. I feel like I cant do things alone....I'm scared. For example, on Tuesday I drove over to post and found the Officers Wives Club because I was hoping they'd have a support group or somehting. Well...I drove up, parked the jeep, and sat in the car. I couldnt get out of the car to go get any info. So I drove home. I dont know WHY I did that. I was just so scared. Not of meeting new people or anything....I think I'm afraid to admit I'm having a problem being alone.

I constantly feel like I want to cry. I also want to talk to DH about what I;m going thru, but my mom suggested that I dont overwhelm him with it because every time he talks to me lately I'm depressed and its worrying him. Ughhh....I just wish things were easier and to be honest.....I wish we didnt live this lifestyle. This is something he needs to do for him...and I knew that a long time ago....but omg all I can think is how the heck am I going to deal with 4 years of this?? 4 years of him hardly being around, me being alone, and G-d forbid anything ever happens to him....possibly a lifetime without him?

thanks for listening ladies

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oh honey i know i already wrote, but we all love you! Definetly DEFINETLY go back to the Officer's wive's club...i know it's a hard thing, but once u get past that initial fear, you'll have other women to talk to(other women who are in your EXACT boat), AND you will not only make great friends, but you'll have a great support system..and believe me, having a support system with women who understand exactly what you're going through is something worth way more than any therapist could offer.(not that a therapist isn't a good idea, but u know what i mean). And just remind yourself...i know 4years seems like forever now, but you will be SO suprised how fast it's going to go in the grand scheme of things. And you will come out emmensly stronger when all is said and done. Again, we all love you & are here for you

I'm sorry you're having a hard time adjusting.

My advice? Find something to do and make friends in your new place. You won't make friends sitting in your apartment. Find out if there are any organizations you can join that you might be interested in -- or at least find a part time job to occupy your time.

Take control of your happiness as much as you can and put yourself out there. Are there volunteer organizations in the area? Sports clubs? A gym? Anything that interests you that might have girls your age?

I think that will help. I'm sorry you're lonely. I can't imagine how tough that.

ETA - and talking to a therapist would be a great idea, too. It can only help.

Thank you all. I went and met with a Chaplain today on post (i'm trying to get an appointment with a psychologist off post, but until then, I decided to meet with the Chaplain). He basically told me what I already knew -- I have severe anxiety disorder. He was surprised at how fast it escaladed and mentionned that I might want to talk to my doctor about medication to help 'take the edge off.'

I got a call from the school district here and they have my application completed and they're forwarding it to hiring. So, hopefully this comes thru so that I'll have a job and will out of the apartment more during the week.

I'm still having a lot of anxiety and im home alone tonight (trying to stick it thru the night). I've been staying at a friends house the last 2 days but tonight I felt it was important to try to make it thru a night here. I have a feeling once it gets dark im going to freak out again...but hopefully I can try to get it under control...

I'm so sorry...You are so much stronger then you think and I'm sure the meds could be helpful to you. Do you see a therapist?

I've been in thearpy for about three years and it has helped my anxiety a ton! I'm not even on meds. Feel free to FM if you need to chat. I know what it's like


And you won't be alone tonight! We'll be here chatting with you