Over the past couple of months I have been so strangely distracted and confused. I find myself swerving back and forth between wanting to fill my home with beautiful children to wanting to be a rock star. Spending quality time with my husband and then hanging out with old high school crushes. It seems like an identity crisis or something – that I have lost sight of myself in a lot of things. I feel a little trapped at times - and it’s my own doing. I haven’t even posted on here much because I have been feeling that all you girls seem so committed to your decisions and so dead-set SURE on everything!
I on the other hand feel all over the place. I just chopped off all my hair over the weekend (which I LOVE) – never had it short in my LIFE and finally had 9 inches cut off. My hair is curly!! Who knew! I started guitar lessons at this random guitar shop in Hoboken – and I practice until like 3 in the morning. I am reading a book a day….I don’t know how I am finding time for everything, but I feel like I am racing something – or from something….Meanwhile, the only other girl I know that is married is trying to get pregnant – which is so amazing, and it seems like her experience with everything is so focused now. That she has something to really concentrate on. And I feel like I am in every direction
I don’t know – maybe I am just venting. Any of you newlyweds going through anything like this? I feel kind of alone
Valenia
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Re: Identity Crisis?
*HUGS* From what you've written so far, I don't see anything that would worry me too much as your friend. None of your behaviors have been in any way destructive. What I would watch for is a swing -- if this extra energy came in a wave followed by a lack of energy.
The only comment that I'd want to hear more about is the hanging out with old crushes -- is this nostalgia and old friendship, or a questioning of your marriage?
That aside, not be sure about what you want out of life doesn't surprise me. Some people know, and many more just put on an act. And plenty of us (including myself) are clueless. You aren't alone.
What do you feel has you trapped?
jenny11.9
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Thanks Valenia for responding…
I have really analyzed the high school crush thing. I went out one night to my hometown and hung with some old friends from school that I didn’t expect to bump into. I am one of those people who disappeared from my hometown 12 years ago and never returned. Here I have been dreading this kind of thing – and yet it was a blast! I felt so confident and free! I had my feet up on a barstool and drank beer from a bottle. I know it sounds lame, but I felt so….at home I think….I can’t explain it. It was as if I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I feel kind of trapped by myself in a way. Does that make sense? Like I have been quelling some aspects of myself or something. Jeez it’s so confusing. I am sorry to start a Monday like this for you guys! Feel free to ignore me until tomorrow!
stacedz
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Re: Identity Crisis?
I wish I could offer some advice because I am sure it s u c k s to feel like you do. Talking it out should definitely help though...what about seeing someone for this?
Valenia
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Re: Identity Crisis?
There is no way I'd ignore you until tomorrow. You got some tough things running through your head, and if I can help in any way I want to now.
So, what have you been stopping yourself from doing that you think you shouldn't? While I do believe in being true to yourself, I also think that thinking before acting can be a very good thing as well. Sounds to me like this night at the bar was more of an escape then anything else. What is it though that you have repressed, and why?
Where are you at in terms of work? Hating your job could explain a whole lot of whats going on with you. Also, do you feel that your husband has urged you in a direction that you wouldn't have chosen yourself -- or is all the edited behavior self induced?
jenny11.9
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Wow Valenia you could make a living off this!
In a nutshell without giving too much info – my husband and I work together. Have since day one. And day one is 10 years ago in June. It’s not an industry I ever wanted to be a part of, but I went ahead and did it to build our future. We have a really nice life, I have everything I want – but still I find myself daydreaming about Jon Bon Jovi…. It’s like I am a total juvenile suddenly. I am definitely aware that I have 'shelved' some dreams – who doesn’t – but I also feel like I never tried anything for myself. Does my husband push me in that direction? Who knows? It’s like if you married your boss would you know which end is up? It’s so hard to tell because we know nothing but working together – it’s how our relationship works. So I think I am finding myself branching out in any direction possible to fill my time with things that make me feel a little more real to myself? Something. I do see a therapist, and we are talking about this. Sometimes though it’s hard to get the point across to her because I don’t know anything about HER. I mean it’s not like having a forum like this where I can hear different opinions, experiences, etc. (and such positive and helpful people!!!)
In the meantime, all this 'working through' is leaving me feeling so guilty about my husband. I hate feeling like I want a little freedom from him. I love him dearly – he is the best person in the world to me, but it’s sometimes so hard to separate the work from the home. For example – I cut my hair short. He HATES short hair and has told me a million times. And yet I feel fantastic about the way I look – I actually wore makeup today!…and then on the other hand guilty that I did something that he was really against. UGH.
Valenia
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Could the company continue to suceed without you present for a while? What stands out to me is that you mention 'marrying your boss.' No, I could not see myself working FOR my husband without it causing a great deal of difficulty as time goes on. If you were truly partners, it would be another story, but if one of you holds power over decisions then I see trouble.
I have personally seen two situations where the husband was the boss of the wife -- neither seemed particularly healthy to me in terms of their relationships.
Please understand that I am working on very little information, and that I'm no professional -- but I can give the sort of advice I'd give a friend over a cup of coffee. Cutting your hair seems like a rebellion against your husband. Which is why your working situation worries me so much. Is there any way for you to get a job on your own?
You shouldn't feel guilty about cutting your hair, you are an independant adult with the privilege of making decisions for yourself. You do have to accept though that every action has a consequence. I would be less concerned about what sounds like disobedience, and more concerned that you could not get the support you needed.
Sonicstef
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Here are my thoughts on this:
a) I think what you are feeling is PERFECTLY normal...its great you are seeing a therapist but i dont think you NEED therapy for this problem. You just planned a big wedding which took up a lot of your time and was a huge excitement in your life and now you are winding down from that and looking for things to pep up your everyday. I think MOST people go through that too - I certainlyhave picked up a few hobbies that I never had before.
b) Speaking from someone who has been with my husband for more than 7 years (and I dont think anyone really understand the nature of long committed relationships until you have been in one), its very natural to have the 'what if?' scenario running through your head. And if you work with him every single day, then that multiples the 'what if' quotient if you ask me.
c) I think its an 'adult' realization that many of our childhoold dreams just dont come true...but in their place other wonderful thing happen. But no matter how many wonderful things we are blessed with, its natural to think back to what you wanted 5, 10, 45, 20 years ago and think 'where did I go wrong?'
d) As far as cutting your hair/makeup despite your husbands dislike - I do this all the time. I love my husband dearly but sometimes I just need a change in my appearance. My husband would love it if my hair were down to my a$$ and I never even wore chap stick!! But every once in a while i dye my hair or cut my hair or go all out with the glam makeup to make myself feel better.
e) I think it LOOKS like a most of the newlyweds are really focused - whether that be a baby or a new home or whatever...but in reality we are all scatterbrains (most of us at least) but its the nature of conversation to tell everyone about the things we are focusing on right now. Not many people have the guts to say 'Im pregnant...and 90% happy but 10% unsure about being ready' but I think MANY new mothers feel that way. Same goes for a new job, new house,etc..
Yikes!! That was long!!
michele31
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Re: Identity Crisis?
I think we ALL feels a variation of these feelings. We just don't always post about them. Feeling trapped is very common. Not sure - but are you in your 20's? Very often, and I am speaking from experience, your 20's is about change and finding out who you are and what makes you happy. Of course- that can happen at any age, but I have seen many people go thru that stage in their 20's. It doesn't make you a bad person or weird. It makes you normal and human. As a few people know I had dreams of being an actress, but reality set in after college, bills had to get paid, life moved in another direction. Of course, I look back and say 'What if I had just chucked it all and move to LA' or 'Did I do the right thing by giving up my dream?' Honestly I will NEVER know the answer to those questions. And I doubt there are many people who do not have what-if questions running around inside their heads. You are going thru normal changes in your life. Wanting to change your hair, perhaps find a new job is all common. Also, maybe you need something that is all your own. Working for your husband is helping his business, his career. Maybe you need your own things to work out and succeed in. YOu might be feeling very 'tied' to his life, his goals, his dreams. Perhaps you need to talk to him about what you need/want/ hope for.
NovemberSue
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Re: Identity Crisis?
I think that because you work together all day,perhaps you need some alone time. I don't see anything wrong with taking some music lessons or taking one night here and there to hang out with one of your girlfriends.
jenny11.9
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Michele so funny! That IS when you are supposed to hash through these things! But my twenties were spent building a business. I am now breathing down the neck of 32 and finding that maybe I never worked this stuff through. I was too busy being a grown-up, taking on-line tax classes to be able to do the books, growing a thick skin to deal with the often vicious entertainment industry, 8-7 a day…every day…..I mean – I didn’t mean to become an accountant!!!! It’s true. Everything is very tied to my husband’s career and success. I guess I thought that I could go with that being enough for me, that it would be 'ours', but now that we are married, I realize that it doesn’t magically just become that. I still feel like I am doing for somebody else. Believe me, we have had our share of big knock down drag-outs on this topic. We just never seem to come to any conclusion. I guess the obvious conclusions are kind of scary for both of us. My position at work is so incredibly important. Oh and I made it that way don’t get me wrong. But when it’s all said and done it IS my career – I mean this is what I do. I just wish the other stuff would stop attacking me from every direction! When do the choices just become the choices and that’s the end of it?
I have 3 freaking degrees...and probably won't take a job that will have anything to do with any of them!!!
We are picking up and moving cross-country...my life is in shambles right now...(or boxes...which ever word you prefer)...
I think anytime you make a commitment...you question yourself...Its part of being human...When DH p isses me off...I think...'Did I really just marry him?' and then it passes...lol...
I think a new role as boss's wife...might be tough...but discuss this with DH...does he hear anything about it? It is probably tough for him...trying not to play favorites (which usually ends up as treating you the worst?)
If you cannot talk to your therapist about this...maybe you should find someone you connect with more?
hang in there...
nycchic_24
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Jenny..maybe its the wedding date thing..we were the same day remember but I feel exactly the same way you do ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! Please fm me if you want to talk because I think it would help the both of us..I think we are very normal but just need to talk to people who are going through the same thing..please fm me
Sonicstef
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Re: Identity Crisis?
Jenny...i just wanted to let you know there is an article in this month's Simple about pepping up your life....doing things like taking an art class, etc. Of course its overly simplistic but you may be suprised how a little change might make a big change on your outlook ;D
jenny11.9
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Re: Identity Crisis?
thanks stef! My guitar lessons helped a bit, so you are probably right. I think it's just being bold enough to do something for myself. I am afraid perhaps I forgot about me in my last 9 year shuffle. I decided to start yoga again today which might find me some peace. Thanks so much to all of you for thinking of me and offering such plain and forward advice. To be able to turn to you guys is a dream come true!
