MIL issues...very long, need advice

***will erase this soon ***


As many of u know cuz ive posted about it so many times, MIL and I have a flaky relationship, sometimes its good and sometimes its off. Shes moody, and quite frankly I just don’t know whats wrong with her, shes possessive but has no control over her son which seems to bother her. Im married to her eldest son, and the second son just got married in July, and shes smothers his wife… her new daughter in law, with tons of love …which just makes me upset sometimes…because I don’t know what I did wrong. DH says u shouldn’t care and just do your part. And I do, im respectful, I try going to see her once a week, and call her for all the holidays. She never seems to show any interest in anything im doing- as far as even asking, “hows work going” or calling when im sick, or complimenting an outfit, or ANYTHING. I have to initiate all conversation…shes civil to me only because she feels like she has to.
So DH’s lil brother has found some bad friends and picked up bad habits (that’s a story in itself) hes 16 and started smoking pot like theres no tomorrow, and breaking curfews. Shes been contemplating that she thinks he needs a change of environment, and she wants to go to cali or Chicago were inlaws have a lot of family/cousins. SOoo this past Saturday I go to visit them as usual, and stayed for 2 hours, chatted with her, the sister in law, and the other daughter in law. NO ONE told me that MIL and my lil BIL were leaving to California 7 AM. The next day. NOT ONCE could she mention go me the whole convo she was going??! Before I left, I told her I’d try to see her tomorrow night, and that I’m going to dinner with friends right now. She said okay bye, and that was it.
When I reached back to my apartment, got half way ready to go out to dinner with friends..it was a couples thing. FIL calls DH and says “don’t go out too late, your mom has a 7 am flight, and your going to have to help out with suitcases etc.” DH tells me this, and I FREAK out. Im like what do you mean shes leaving? Howcome she never told me? And DH is like well, I don’t know, its her choice if she wants to tell you or not! And I was I said “well everyone in the house knows shes going but me, I was there for 2 hours and she couldn’t have told me???” So she left, never said bye, I never called and said bye, nor did I go to the airport and say bye. I don’t know when shes coming back, a week, a month? ***

So I called my sister in law, and I asked her, “howcome I came over the other day and no one bothered to mention to me that MIL was leaving to California in the morning?” and shes goes oh we thought you knew. And I asked how would I know if no one told me? And everyone else in the house seems to know? And she made up some **** about how MIL is stressed, probably forgot, I should call and see how shes doing etc.

Do I have any reason to be offended, that she just left? I mean she told her sons, her daughter, the other daughter in law. Everyone went to the airport BUT me. I was not told, and I just didn’t feel like going.

i feel like im not part of the family, the 'forget' to tell me all details in their life. i dont want a huge distance between MIL and I even though im NOT fond of her, because at the end of the day shes DH mom. Im trying hard to maintain good relations, i just get no response in return. Now when she comes back i dont even feel like asking her how her trip went, or going to see her.

p.s- we had a huge holiday towards the end of Ramdan, were we exchange gifts/money/etc. She gave everyone $250. that would be all 3 of her sons, her daugher, her daughter in law. and i got nothing. and NO its not about the $ its just the thought. DH told me Oh next time u go over my mom has your gift she told me. So ive seen her 4 times since, and she never bothered to give it to me. I mean should i not be offended, that everyone else got a gift but me??? i told DH, despite the fact that it seems petty, and hes like oh shes probably busy and stressed, im like well she wasnt busy/stressed to give a gift to the 5 of u, but when it comes to me, she is.

ugh

I would be upset - however I do feel like your DH knows more than he is leading on to. Sorry to say most probably he is not telling you inside stuff she has shared with him about you b/c your DH knows it will upset you and he feels it is not worth it. I hate the feeling of being left out of things, it makes you feel like a bit of a fool. Clearly this lady your MIL has issues* w/you or your relationships with your DH that she is envious of and taking it out on you. If she didn't you surely would have known she was leaving in the am etc..

Just take it as a clear indication and confirmation as to how she views her status with you as all and just store it away and put it into perspective. Don't flip out even though your insulted. You can't make others feel a certain way or act a in way you feel is correct. Maybe your MIL will come around in due time - but if you show signs of resentment and anger it will only perpetuate more hard feelings and things will get worse all around for yourself , DH and the MIL. I hope I am making sense. Try to just explain your hurt feelings to DH and leave it at that. Maybe he will at some point have a private convo w/mom or atleast he will understand you better or where your coming from if you play hurt instead of B!tch! I find that tactic works the best otherwise he might get defensive of Dear Mommy even though he should be defensive of YOU!

Have you ever asked your Dh straight out why she might not like you? I am sure she said things to him and especially in the beginning, he definitely has to know somewhat. Also, he needs to talk to his mom and say he doesn't like how you're being treated. If my parents acted like that towards Dh i would say something immediately, and i would hope for the same.

It is weird that she didnt tell you she was leaving, especially since you said you'll see her tomorrow

I agree with the PP's. Maybe you should try to have a conversation with your DH in which you ask him what the problem is. At this point (JMHO) it seems that he is sugar coating a lot of things not to hurt you. I think it would be best for you if you knew what was going on instead of always having to wonder what if's. I dont know what that lady's issue is with you but she needs to get over it. You married her son and that's it. The fact that she didnt tell you about her trip nor gave you a gift for Ramadan really bothered me as well bc it seems like she is trying to ostrecize (sp?) you on purpose. I would continue to try but to an extent. Be civil with her and respectful but if she expects you to kiss her a$$ then that I dont think you should do. I probably sound really mad but I just hate shadyness and when people are treated unfairly.

I remember you from back when.

Just be civil to your MIL out of respect to your husband.
If I were treated as you are, I would be hurt, just as you are. You are supposed to be part of a family, not treated as an outsider.
I would be courteous to the family members, not going above and beyond the course of normal conversation.
As long as you show your anger and how this bothers you, your MIL will always have the upper hand. Once you become indifferent, she may change her behavior towards you.

BUT your husband should be helping you by finding out from his mother exactly what it is about you that has a bug up her a$$ AND how that can be rectified. If your husband does know, then he is not helping the situation by keeping it to himself. He is only fueling your annimosity towards the family.

I realize that a lot of your problems with the family stem from cultural issues.
I will say one thing though, good for you for not going to the airport.

DH never says 'my mom doesnt like you' hes sugar coats it and says...'oh shes old and cranky' or ' i know shes hard to deal with but just bear with it' or 'shes my mother, what am i supposed to do, i cant pick sides...' etc etc.
I know he feels bad, and he has stuck up for me alot of times, but if he continues to do this, she gets upset with him too, or sheds crocdile tears and says 'how can ur wife do this to me?' ...its come to one point were the 3 of us were in a room once, and DH said can u please apologize to my mom, i just stared at the both of them...and left the room...
i dont know what she feels...ive tried to have a 'heart to heart' talk with her sooo many times. it doesnt work. she stays silent, or says noo its not like that, your like my daughter, or some other BS excuse comes out.
I do feel outcasted by the fact that she didnt tell me, and you know what i decided im not going to show any emotion. Im just bitter now, and i do want things to work out because one day when we have children, i dont want her kissing my as$ than, trying to come around.....

o man MIL issues can break families apart.. i wish these women would understand that they are ruining their son's life but acting this way.. you've been taking the high road on this and it's very commendable.. i personally would have lashed out at her..

i think it was fine that you didn't go to send her off, and give MIL a taste of her own medicine.. i know it sounds weird, but can you befriend the new DIL and make her your ally.. and the SIL, maybe you can build a relationship there and then MIL will be forced to be nice to you..

i honestly thought things like this happend on Indian soaps.. I'm sorry you are going through this..

Oh boy. You have every right to be offended. I would be too. But it's not your place to say anything to your MIL. That is your husbands job. It's his mother so he needs to talk to her. Tell her he doesn't like the way she treats you and it needs to change. Good luck.

yup DH and i barely fight, its only when we go to see our inlaws, do i come back in an upset mood, dont know who to take it out on...and than get mad at him!...and he cant do much, his hands are tied, he has tried to alleviate the situation many times...its not like all of this is overt and out in the open... she sneakingly adds rude comments here n there, or excludes me from activities the whole family is part of, and now has started to do the same to DH. Oh well, I guess i will try my best not to let it bother me, but the reality is it does, i want to be accepted and loved by his family, but im not going to break my back trying to do it. I never get appreciated for anything...and DH says i shouldnt expect to either, i should just do my end...
because of this i go to see them less and less...and another poster asked why i go? only because DH wants me too. I dont want to totally state yes i have a problem and i never want to see you! because she hasnt done that to me. Me not going over, would be cutting family ties, and i just dont think thats appropriate. but lets see how it goes...DH thought i was being petty for making it a big deal that she didnt tell me before she left...but atleast i feel better knowing im not being petty... i went over the night before and no one even mentioned it to me!!!!...

thanks guys for making me feel better

I would issue a tiny threat to your husband that if he doesnt take care of the situation that one day you may not be able to contain yourself anymore and your going to blow up. Its really not right that she treats you that way and she gets away with it. You can only turn your head so many times till you cant take it anymore. I thank god that my MIL is tolerable but there are sometimes that she oversteps her boundaries and either enrages me or hurts my feelings and i tell her right out whats bothering me. Its never really an issue with me but she sometimes carries on about something that my husband did or usually did not do. I really feel for you. My mom had the same issues with my father's mother and one day i heard things come out of my mothers mouth that i never heard before She even used the 'C' word What happened was, it was christmas time and my mother sent my grandmother a huge tower from Harry and David. My grandmother called my dad to say Thank you but when my dad hung up and my mother got on the phone my grandmother told my mother to stop sending her crappy snacks that she throws them out!!! Needless to say the walls in my house were shaking that night. Anywho, i hope things get better for you, but you really need to set your husband straight to work on your darling MIL.

i dont know. ive been married for 1 year 3 months now.... the other daughter in law came in to the family in JULY....why everyone but me? i did tell DH it was hurtful, and DH said oh she told me she was going to give you your gift why would she lie about it, your so impatient....

well...ive seen her 4 times since our holiday has ended, so whatever. like i said its not about the $, its about the thought.