need some feedback asap on an issue with DH

So DH's BM was his friend from college. Over the past year or so, they have really drifted apart. I think they had drifted long before that but in the last year it's become crystal clear that that is the case. DH has really only realized/admitted this in the past few weeks though. Essentially, the friend wants to be friends with DH more than DH wants to be friends with him and DH wants to sever the friendship.

They got into a huge argument over some stuff two weeks ago, that really clarified that the friend does not understand DH's current life. Background- the friend works at a college as a res life person and is constantly IM'ing DH at work. He doesn't seem to understand that DH can't drop whatever he's doing to chit chat, despite the numerous times DH has told him that. So, two weeks ago, DH got super angry after the friend got snippy in an IM convo. The friend didn't understand why DH didnt' answer something immediately; mind you DH had gotten up when his boss needed something so he wasn't at his computer. When he got back and saw the comment from the friend, DH, incensed, proceeded made a comment about having a 'real job' to which the friend shot back something about being on call 24/7 and dealing with drunk college kids and sexual assaults and that DH doesn't know what having a 'real job' is. Awesome, right? Apples and oranges. DH got fed up and has led to the past two weeks of them not speaking.

To complicate matters, DH is supposed to be the friend's BM in his November wedding. Further almost all of the friend's other friends have fallen away over similar issues over the past few years, which has made planning for bridal party and bach party very difficult. None of the friend's friends are responding to DH's emails, and the friend is getting anxious (as well he should, it's his bach party, but it can't be helped).

DH now feels that the friendship is beyond repair (he doesn't really want to repair it, either) and feels that it would be better to drop out now and NOT be the BM in the friend's wedding rather than sticking it out, be the BM and then let the friendship fade. He feels that in dropping now it would leave a less bitter taste than if he were to go through with it and then have the friend look back and say 'yeah that a*& was our BM and he screwed us.' He thinks that in dropping now, the friend has time to find someone that would care enough to do the duties as BM and not someone who was just going through the motions; the friend has a cousin who is close, that DH thinks could do it very well.

DH is so torn over this and I sort of am too. If it were me, I think I'd just stick it out and get it over with and then let the friendship fade as gently as possible, but I can see DH's point.

So, I'm looking for your thoughts and advice. DH drafted an email to send to the friend today telling him he was dropping but I got him to hold off on sending it for a bit.

Thanks ladies.

Normally I would say do it, deal with it and cut ties later.
BUT its obviously something that could only get worse over time and who knows how DH will feel come time for the wedding. I would say send the email and see what happens. It sounds horrible but you and DH are in a different places in your life then he is-not saying good or bad-just in general-and the friend doesnt get that. i would move on rather then delay the inevitable.

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Posted by PegaLega

Normally I would say do it, deal with it and cut ties later.
BUT its obviously something that could only get worse over time and who knows how DH will feel come time for the wedding. I would say send the email and see what happens. It sounds horrible but you and DH are in a different places in your life then he is-not saying good or bad-just in general-and the friend doesnt get that. i would move on rather then delay the inevitable.

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I think that's what DH is thinking too. This has been a gigantic albatross around his neck for months and he's finally realized it.

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Posted by PegaLega

Normally I would say do it, deal with it and cut ties later.
BUT its obviously something that could only get worse over time and who knows how DH will feel come time for the wedding. I would say send the email and see what happens. It sounds horrible but you and DH are in a different places in your life then he is-not saying good or bad-just in general-and the friend doesnt get that. i would move on rather then delay the inevitable.

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ITA... good call Peggy

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Posted by PegaLega

Normally I would say do it, deal with it and cut ties later.
BUT its obviously something that could only get worse over time and who knows how DH will feel come time for the wedding. I would say send the email and see what happens. It sounds horrible but you and DH are in a different places in your life then he is-not saying good or bad-just in general-and the friend doesnt get that. i would move on rather then delay the inevitable.

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I agree. I wouldn't want someone being my MOH or DHs BM if their heart wasn't in it, so I don't think it's fair to do that to your DHs friend either.

WOW! this is a hard one! if it were me personally, i know myself and I would probably just suck it up...but that is because i would't want to 'hurt their feelings'. i am also not good at confrontation and i wouldn't want to hurt my friend, even if we've grown apart..

but i see your husband's point.... and it's definitely valid. perhaps he could feel the cousin out (if he's friends with him) and see what is feelings are about the BP situation.

GOOD LUCK! this is not an easy one....

I think for your DH if he doesn't want to be friends with this guy anymore, he shouldn't be. I don't care what the reasons are, if he doesn't like the dude, he shouldn't have to fake it, and he definitely shouldn't be his best man and make the rest of the world think he's this guys best friend.

Also, for the friend's sake, it's prob better that your DH isn't his best man and then POOF gone. That would suck, and to look at the pictures with him and everything, it would probably leave a bitter taste in the friend's mouth.

sticking it out for the wedding just doesn't seem fair to either of them.

sorry you are in this situation, i imagine it can't be easy for you either.

You say they only started having problems within the last year or so... How long has their friendship been?

People drift apart, sure... but a year of say a 15 year relationship is NOTHING. Perhaps it's just a difficult year, you know?

I don't know... I've had friends that I've been friends with since childhood, and we've gone through a few dry spells/ difficult times...

it's just par for the course.

I usually don't respond often lately, but I have been in the same situation as your DH. In all honesty, let him drop out now. I hemmed and hawed over staying in the wedding party as a MOH, and in the end, I should have dropped out. I didn't want to be there, and it was written on my face, and only led to more heartache later on. He can explain to his friend that he doesn't feel that the BM role is really for him, that he doesn't feel as close as before, and as much as he wishes him well, he would prefer to bow out now rather than closer to the wedding. Trust me when I say that it would be for the better. I wish I had done it, and then just considered going as a guest to the wedding I was involved in.

JMO

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Posted by carolinep24

You say they only started having problems within the last year or so... How long has their friendship been?

People drift apart, sure... but a year of say a 15 year relationship is NOTHING. Perhaps it's just a difficult year, you know?

I don't know... I've had friends that I've been friends with since childhood, and we've gone through a few dry spells/ difficult times...

it's just par for the course.

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I know. After college and really until the friend moved down here back in 2006, they didn't talk much...so the intervening years added up to about 6, I guess (they met in 98). Then once he was down here, the friend wanted to hang out all the time, and I think that DH felt completely smothered. He just didn't have the courage to say outright to the friend 'hey, back off, I have other things I need to do and can't hang with you all the time.' The friend has also changed since starting to see his FW. She's much younger than he is and still likes to hang out weeknights with girl friends, which leaves the friend alone and so he seeks out his guy friends, most of whom are married or engaged and not wanting to do that sort of thing anymore. They have a very different life than we do with very different priorities.

I thought at first that this was a down period, but DH is insistent that he just doesn't want to continue in this pattern and thinks that after the craziness of their wedding (which is a bit of a fiasco), it will pick back up again with the friend wanting to do 'guys night' multiple times a week. sigh. I just don't know.

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Posted by donegal419

WOW! this is a hard one! if it were me personally, i know myself and I would probably just suck it up...but that is because i would't want to 'hurt their feelings'. i am also not good at confrontation and i wouldn't want to hurt my friend, even if we've grown apart..

but i see your husband's point.... and it's definitely valid. perhaps he could feel the cousin out (if he's friends with him) and see what is feelings are about the BP situation.

GOOD LUCK! this is not an easy one....

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I agree. One thing I have to say though- is that your DH should shut down his IM at work if he can't be on chatting- or put up an away message. This would cut out any confusion.

also- I wouldn't drop out in an email...I think it's something that should be done in person (although, I am a coward and would probably do it by email myself..)

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Posted by kahlua716

also- I wouldn't drop out in an email...I think it's something that should be done in person (although, I am a coward and would probably do it by email myself..)

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I agree but DH believes that email is best for a couple of reasons, chief among them, he wants to make sure he gets all of his points across and out there, in a coherent manner (he gets tongue-tied in confrontations like this), and two, the friend is a hot head and DH believes he will get up and storm away at the first sentence and not hear him out.

this whole things makes me sick.

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Posted by bemyyoko

I think for your DH if he doesn't want to be friends with this guy anymore, he shouldn't be. I don't care what the reasons are, if he doesn't like the dude, he shouldn't have to fake it, and he definitely shouldn't be his best man and make the rest of the world think he's this guys best friend.

Also, for the friend's sake, it's prob better that your DH isn't his best man and then POOF gone. That would suck, and to look at the pictures with him and everything, it would probably leave a bitter taste in the friend's mouth.

sticking it out for the wedding just doesn't seem fair to either of them.

sorry you are in this situation, i imagine it can't be easy for you either.

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TOTALLY AGREE because this happened to ME with my MOH. We were having some issues long story short because her husband is a tool and being overly drunk during my bachelorette party, that came out. I apologized a million times, but needless to say it caused strain between us.

However I thought we'd work it out and it seemed we did. She was in my wedding, i was in hers and we kept in contact for three weeks after her weddign then POOF. She stopped returning my calls, my texts, called me once out of the blue 2 months later and it was strained than she never called again until 2 months ago and I was on the other line with DH. I switchd over immediately but she hung up. I told her VM I wasnt mad at her, never was and I wanted to work it out if she did but nada since then.

It was VERY hurtful because we were really close. I would have preffered she bail out of the wedding and be up front because it was obvious we were having issues and I was pepared for us breaking ties at that pointt. But her staying in my life till even after her wedding made me think it was all ok and then just falling out of my life really sideswiped me. Its worse because when I make my weddign album, I'm like 'Do I put her pictures in or not? she was my MOH!'

If your DH and his friend have reached that point of no return, he has the better idea to be upfront now and just cut ties. It will hurt the friend of course, BUT better to be hurt by someone being open and honest with you because then its cleara dn it can be handled. But fading slowly and drawing it out is a bit cruel, especially when there will be photo evidence with him as the BM in every picture. JMO.

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Posted by Cpt2007

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Posted by carolinep24

You say they only started having problems within the last year or so... How long has their friendship been?

People drift apart, sure... but a year of say a 15 year relationship is NOTHING. Perhaps it's just a difficult year, you know?

I don't know... I've had friends that I've been friends with since childhood, and we've gone through a few dry spells/ difficult times...

it's just par for the course.

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I know. After college and really until the friend moved down here back in 2006, they didn't talk much...so the intervening years added up to about 6, I guess (they met in 98). Then once he was down here, the friend wanted to hang out all the time, and I think that DH felt completely smothered. He just didn't have the courage to say outright to the friend 'hey, back off, I have other things I need to do and can't hang with you all the time.' The friend has also changed since starting to see his FW. She's much younger than he is and still likes to hang out weeknights with girl friends, which leaves the friend alone and so he seeks out his guy friends, most of whom are married or engaged and not wanting to do that sort of thing anymore. They have a very different life than we do with very different priorities.

I thought at first that this was a down period, but DH is insistent that he just doesn't want to continue in this pattern and thinks that after the craziness of their wedding (which is a bit of a fiasco), it will pick back up again with the friend wanting to do 'guys night' multiple times a week. sigh. I just don't know.

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Then I think it's admirable for him to drop out and give the guy an opportunity to find someone else.

It's a tough decision, but your DH isn't doing it to be a d!ck... and I can see that.

good luck!

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Posted by carolinep24

Then I think it's admirable for him to drop out and give the guy an opportunity to find someone else.

It's a tough decision, but your DH isn't doing it to be a d!ck... and I can see that.

good luck!

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ITA. Sometims people just drift apart and its no ones fault but if you cant find a common ground, its better I think to just make a clean break.

Its just really sad though on all ends.

I know it goes far deeper than the instant message thing and it was maybe the straw that broke the camels back but it would be awful to end a 6 year friendship over things said in an im chat.

I think since your dh has written everything out already he should call the friend and not email him. Over the phone will be easier than in person and your DH will be able to read the tone of his friend's voice and maybe they will come to an understanding. Sometimes email even with the most sincere intentions can come across as cold. Plus if your dh sends an email the friend will be able to forward it to other people and use it against your dh.

i think dh should talk to him and step down now, that way he had enought time to find a new bm and honestly, i would want some to be my moh or my dh bm and there heart wasnt 100% there

i think it will make it easier now instead of sticking it out ,

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Posted by MeNBobs

I know it goes far deeper than the instant message thing and it was maybe the straw that broke the camels back but it would be awful to end a 6 year friendship over things said in an im chat.

I think since your dh has written everything out already he should call the friend and not email him. Over the phone will be easier than in person and your DH will be able to read the tone of his friend's voice and maybe they will come to an understanding. Sometimes email even with the most sincere intentions can come across as cold. Plus if your dh sends an email the friend will be able to forward it to other people and use it against your dh.

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Yeah, it's a lot more than the one IM session. There have been lots of other things but that was the proverbial breaking straw.

agree on the phone call, but I don't think DH can do it. I'll continue to encourage him to do it that way, but also see if I can get him to follow up with a call if he can't do the actual break that way.