need to know if I am an idiot

I am using a different identity b/c i need to reveal some info and need advice.
it is kindo f a spin off of another thread regarding past relationships.
i may have acted wrongly but need to get some feedback.
my hubby of 3.5 months had a previous marriage that ended obviously before us. it has always been a sore spot for me. they were married for quite some time, no children. anyway they have been split for over 5 years. we just came back from my birthday weekend getaway his mom left message sounding grim. he calls her and finds out that his ex's father passed away this weekend. Aparently she called his mom and his mom called her mom. I got a bit upset to learn that they still keep in touch. of course at first i expressed my sympathy for the passing. then we got into the topic of how his mother found out and it was revealed that the ex called her. and i was a bit shocked about that. why would she contact her?? when he mentioned that they kept in touch. which i found odd. Usually the ex doesnt keep in touch with the in laws. or maybe i am wrong. you guys tell me. well i said to him that it may have been something i should have known that they kept in touch. which I meant that since it was a sore spot for me and he knows it that I should have known that she would continue to be part of our lives. Which I dont want at all!!!!!!!!!
I know its a horrible time for this to come up with the passing of someones loved one. but then past relationships never end then. I dont want to sound cold hearted. but when is it that the it ends. when we first started dating they were freshly broken up and his grandmother passed away, he was very close and she attended the wake and funeral.
i have had friends with ex's and it seems that after a certain time despite what happens in life their paths go separate ways.
He thinks i was being selfish and its always about me and I made a remark and went up stairs. we havent spoke since last night.
and i know he feels that I was wrong and mean and should have been understanding about the passing, which I am. but i am upset that there is still contact b/w the families. he defends it that they are friends meaning the family and her.
am i wrong, insensitive????? help.

I think it is very hard to lose a parent and she feels comforted by your MIL.
Is your MIL not a friend to you? Why are you so suprised they keep contact? For me marriage is important and if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but if you loved that person to marry them, then somewhere deep down they are a good person just maybe not the right one ....but for me it doesn't make sense that everyone should have to drop the X who was once family or inform a new member who they speak with or if they still speak.

I speak with my brother's X fiancee and it doesn't mean that I have problems with any new girls he introduces to me. She is a friend and we speak like friends. Does his mom talk about your relationship? If she does I would ask her not too.

Is it feelings of jealousy that are making you upset? It sounds like his X has been talking to his mom for a long time and they are friends unless she suddenlly started calling his mom when you came into the picture I wouldn't be too alarmed.

He married you and he divorced her. You have won. Who cares who is friendly with his mom, their are plenty of people I wish my MIL didn't speak too but there is nothing I can do about it. It seems like the reason you may not have known before was because they knew it would make you uncomfortable, not as though they were trying to be sneaky.

My husband was never married before but he is way past any X's even if his mom still speaks with them and I wouldn't be upset if members of some of my x's family passed and attend funerals they are just showing respects. I have dated some jerks who had awesome grandparents who I loved!

I dont think any of us likes to have a part of our DHs past come up again, whether it be an xwife, girlfriend etc. I can see why this is emotional for you. That said, I think the timing of discussing this w. your DH may not be the best. This person was his FIL, a part of his family for 5 years, and he probably has feelings about the mans passing. As well as how this affects his ex. Maybe make this about him, and not his ex, and support him through whatever he needs. Then once this situation has passed, discuss the issue of how his ex coming up makes you feel.
My MIL still sees DHs ex every now and then (they live in a small town). She is married, and we catch details from her once and awhile. It does not really bother me as my MIL talking to her does not make her a part of our lives- if my DH talked to her, now that would be another story

I don't think it's necessarily wrong for your DH to hear about his FIL's passing nor for his mother to have some contact with them since they were family at one point. I do think it was wrong for the relationships to be hidden from you. That gives it the appearance of being wrong. It seems like they were keeping this a big secret from you 'in your best interest' but it has blown up in their face. (This is JMHO)


I am sorry you are going through this

I can only speak from MY experience. My mom would never call my ex for anything, however, just this Christmas, my ex MIL called and invited me over for Christmas!!! And we haven't been together for almost 6 years and I am now engaged!

I don't really think it's all that odd, but on the other hand, I could understand you being a bit bothered.

Since my parents separated my my dad's family still consider her family. She keeps in touch with everyone. You said they married for a long time so it would not surprise me that they keep in touch.

Don't worry yourself about it.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree w/ Christine though, on her point of why did they hide it from you? Whether it's right or wrong, that's another story. However, the fact that they did hide it from you, makes it seem as if they knew it would upset you. Not for nothing, if my current family thought it would upset me, yet did it anyway???? I would have to question the contact.

IMO, unless there are kids involved, there is no reason to have contact with an ex... no matter how long they were together. I mean, I'm sure down deep inside they'll always have a special place for one another, but they broke off their marriage for a reason.

Try not to let it upset you as much. When the wake/funeral is over... wait a while... and then, have a heart to heart w/ DH. I'm sure now is not the best time and he will be more willing to hear you out later on.

THANKS FOR THE INPUT. even though its not what I wanted to hear. but once i saw it in a different perspective it make sense. DH did make a comment that its not a topic he brings up b/c of they way I react.
I still dont like the idea of the ex keeping in contact with the ex family despite the fact that they were friends during their marriage. I wouldnt keep in touch with my ex out of respect for him and his future partner. life has different cycles and paths and some paths end while others branch off and grow. As with other relationships i.e. friends, likes change and you are no longer part of a circle. And you move on to different areas and people.

I guess part of the negative feelings i have are that I feel I am always in her shadow with his family and in general.
we live in the house they lived in, he drives what used to be her truck. We have had disagreements b/c I want to start new - us. meaning new furniture etc. especially b/c of the old furniture/etc. has a memory not that of his bachelorhood which wouldnt bother me so much. I am reasonable in that I know its finacialy smarter to hold off until we can afford nice furniture and everything but it just bothers me so - i guess everything around me reminds me of their relationship not our new beginning.
no i am just babbling on.
thanks guys.

just to clarify I dont care who his mom talks to you. It bothers me that she [the ex] will always pop up when i least expect it.

clarification - they split over 5 years ago. so DH hasnt had [to my knowledge] had any contact with her or her family.

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Posted by mv1003

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree w/ Christine though, on her point of why did they hide it from you? Whether it's right or wrong, that's another story. However, the fact that they did hide it from you, makes it seem as if they knew it would upset you. Not for nothing, if my current family thought it would upset me, yet did it anyway???? I would have to question the contact.

IMO, unless there are kids involved, there is no reason to have contact with an ex... no matter how long they were together. I mean, I'm sure down deep inside they'll always have a special place for one another, but they broke off their marriage for a reason.

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I have to agree with both Christine & mv1003.

I went through something similar with my DH and his exwife. After a few discussions, DH ended all contact with her.

I know i over reacted at a really bad time. thanks guys

For me- though it is not an exwife- we had a similar experience.

DH only had one other long term relationship prior to me. They were together for many years. They have no ill will to each other and simply grew apart.

I told him when we started dating that all I asked was that he told me when he spoke to her and not to sneak around. Yes, it bothered me a lot but I wanted him to be honest and I am still friends with many of my ex's (again not ex husbands)

She is still friends with friends of his and unbeknowst to me she was still coming around to gatherings when I was not there.

Fast forward a few years. Her Mom became terminally ill with cancer. When she was very close to the end, she really wanted to talk to DH but she didn't have our new number. She called a friend of ours. He didn't feel comfortable giving it to her but called here and told DH the situation. DH asked me what to do and I said you absoluletly tell her to call. They talked for about 2 hours. The mother died the next day. DH went to the funeral.

The reason I was able to be so understanding was, when my Grandfather passed away. My Mother was devasted. My parents had a bitter and nasty divorce. My father still hoped a plane and went to FLA to be there for my Mom. She was pissed at first and in the end was so grateful that he was there. As much as my Mother HATES my father she will always say that, that was the nicest thing my father ever did for her.

I completely understand your hurt. But she didn't call you DH to hang out or chit chat. She is hurting and seeking comfort. I know that it is hard but he is married to you now. Try to have faith that in your love and not to worry about her being around.

's to you.

My aunt is divorced and remarried. Her ex is her high school sweetheart, got married after grad school and divorced after ten years of marriage. She does not speak to him anymore, but she remains close with his mom and step-father. She usually stops by there around to holidays and I know they keep in touch throughout the year. It is not a reflection on how she feels about her husband, how her former in-laws feel about their current daughter-in-law, nor is it any indication that she remains in contact with her ex.

As long as your DH is not continuing a relationship with his ex that you are not comfortable with, I think you have notihing to worry about. If his mom has been in contact with this women for years since the divorce, more than likely she is not going to stop now anyway.

we had a talk last night and I apologized for being unreasonable. I explained that I didnt understand the contact but i do now after hearing from you guys and friend at work.

thank you guys.

DH's aunt (his uncles ex-wife) still sends her ex MIL b-day and xmas cards in Spain...and ex-MIL (DH's grandma LOVES it)

she became very close with a SIL (DH's aunt) and is still very much part of the family...even though they have been divorced for 10+ years...she and her sister were at our wedding...the funny thing is that DH's uncle couldn't even make it...


she definitely treats us like gold...but had NO intention of getting back with her ex...


I'm glad that you guys had a talk!!

Noboday wants an ex to pop up but sometimes they do unfortunately. I don't know how I would react if I were in your situation. But there are relationships with ex's that do exist out there. My MIL and FIL are divorced but they get along and my MIL's family still invite my FIL to all their events and my MIL's nieces and nephews still call my FIL uncle Frank. They still will share a dance together every now and then...they have done that at all of their children's weddings.

My brother used to be engaged to this girl from Italy and her sister used to date one of my cousins (they broke up after 2 years). Now my cousin is getting married but his mom is still friends with her son's ex-Girlfriend's aunt and she is invited to the wedding! She lives in Staten Island near my Aunt's house. I saw her at my cousin's fiance's shower. My cousin's fiance is ok with that because it's not like he has kept in contact with his ex. My aunt has been friends with this woman way before my cousin's new fiance met my cousin.

I myself still keep in contact every now and then with one of my cousin's ex-wife. I always liked her and thought she was so nice. Honestly my cousin screwed up that marriage.

It all depends though you know. If it's kept a secret then that would bother me. Just like Christine said...why would they have to keep it a secret you know???

Hang in there Sweetie...Just know that love is on your side! Your husband married you, you are the winner!

I completely agree with what Christine said!

However, I just want to add that what you wrote here -->

'I guess part of the negative feelings i have are that I feel I am always in her shadow with his family and in general.
we live in the house they lived in, he drives what used to be her truck. We have had disagreements b/c I want to start new - us. meaning new furniture etc. especially b/c of the old furniture/etc. has a memory not that of his bachelorhood which wouldnt bother me so much. I am reasonable in that I know its finacialy smarter to hold off until we can afford nice furniture and everything but it just bothers me so - i guess everything around me reminds me of their relationship not our new beginning.'

...it is COMPLETELY understandable that you would find it difficult to deal w/his ex being in contact w/his family! I agree w/you about starting fresh and I know myself well enough to know that it would definitely bother ME if my hubby was still driving his ex's truck AND we were living in the house they shared as husband and wife!

If it's not financial viable to sell the house and buy another one right now, than there's not much you can do - EXCEPT to create a timeline w/your hubby about WHEN you can move. I think it's important for your emotional and mental health to have the 'fresh start' that your heart really wants, AND you do not need to continue living in this other woman's shadow - regardless of whether or not she keeps in touch w/his family.

Sorry - I know I got a bit off topic, but those comments really hit a nerve with me, and I really feel for you! Good luck to you!