Need to vent - long & sex-related - sorry if its TMI

So, I am starting to think my DH is one of most atypical men there is! We do not play around nearly enough, in my opinion! Sometimes I feel like I am 'the guy' and he is 'the girl!' Let me say that I work during the day (typical 9-5) and he works the overnight shift. The only times that we are both not working are Friday nights, Saturdays and Sunday during the day.

Even before we got married, we never saw each other a lot, and therefore, we never played a lot, either. MAYBE once a week, if that. I feel like I could make love every day and be perfectly content with that (at least for now - pre-kids and all lol). While he, I feel like he is fine with the (lack of) sex in our relationship.

Anyway, so the thing is... I know that he would like it if I initiated things more often. I don't do it a lot, b/c a lot of the time, I get denied for some reason or another! So naturally, I stopped initiating. The problem is, I take it SO personally when he says that he is too tired, or whatever. Like, I seriously cry about it, and can't get over it for quite awhile. I don't know how to NOT take it personally, though. When he says no, I feel like it's b/c it's 'me' and not that he really is tired and has to sleep for work, or whatever his reason was. I am sure I am wrong, but that's how I feel. I have expressed it to him before, and he always says that he always wants me, and he loves me, etc. but those words arent being put into action nearly enough for me.

So that brings me to tonight. I knew he was asleep cuz he has to work tonight. He usually gets up around 6:30. I really wanted some playtime though, so I woke him up anyway. I told myself that he might say no, b/c he needs his sleep for work, and if he does say no, don't get upset. Well, he said no. He said he can't b/c he is tired and needs to sleep more before getting up for work. I guess I just feel like any other guy would've jumped at the chance (no pun intended), and he didn't. He said maybe tomorrow when I come home on my lunch hour. I said, 'No, cuz then I will have to go back to work!' Why is it okay to have a 'quickie' when I have to go back to work all disheveled and red-faced, but not before he has to go into work?? But if we don't do it then, it probably won't happen til the weekend sometime. So here I am, crying at the computer b/c I am thinking he doesn't want me...

I'm sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent and see if ANYONE has a DH like mine (yeah, right)... Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!! Sorry if this was TMI!!!

calm down it 's normal don't worry so much every guy does not operate the same. He is most probably really tired from work. There are some wonderful creative books that can give you some good ideas to compromise. Go to the love/sex section in Barnes and Nobles.

I'm sorry you are going through this and especially that it upsets you so much you are crying

I'm sorry...I feel like I don't have much meaningful advice for you other than that many many couples have different s$x drives and that it doesn't mean anything personal because they do. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he doesn't want you. After all he married you right?! :) Have you tried talking to him? Does he know that it upsets you to the point of tears? If you haven't tried talking to him I would pick a good time and express your concern because even though some people think you shouldn't talk about THAT (like Samantha from SATC!!) I disagree...to me anything you are this upset about should be discussed and hopefully resolved.
Good luck to you and please update us (if you are comfortable)!

Don't be so hard on yourself.. DH and I have a hard time getting it together ourselves lately.. and it's usually bc one of us is tired or not feeling well, or we say let's make time for it and then it doesn't happen.. I don't want to have to plan my sex life.. takes the fun right out of it..

You definitely shouldn't take so personal. It is normal and him saying no has nothing to do with you but just his own drive at the moment.

Will any guy jump at the opportunity? YES but thats when its something they see as a rare opportunity or its new. So yes maybe a stranger will jump at it bc to him its well New p*ssy, sorry to be so graphic but thats how many guys i know refer to it. Those same guys who would jump at it, will also say no when they get into a serious relationship. For most its there and you know you can have it any other time, bad way to look at it i know.

But its happened to all of us. Hey theres times I say no, theres days where i am not feeling well and cant even think about that. So if my DH says no, i remember how i am feeling when i say no and cant take it personal. When I say no it has nothing to do with DH, not rejecting him bc of him personally. I love DH, very attracted to him but in the moment i am not feeling well i am not going to do it. It probably wont be great bc im just gonna want to get it over with.

please let me tell you from having experience ---
different schedules are a NIGHTMARE. While I was planning our wedding dh was in the police academy. I teach so i work from 8-3 and he got home at 2 am just when i was sound asleep. Now that we have more compatible schedules, life is grand!

Make the absolute most of the 3 days you have together and pls don't be shy about initiating sex. I know the fear of being rejected but keep trying.
And if that doesnt work- go out and get a RABBIT or some other sex toy and use it in front of him. When he asks what's up, just tell him that you'd rather have him

xoxo, k

I just want to say ( and I have posted about this in the past ) please don't take what girls write about here and what they talk about in public as any indication to what is REALLY going on. More women are going to chat about the typical 'all my husband wants is sex.' No one wants to talk about the other side, what you were open enough to share with us - so dont feel discouraged!

I can understand your frustration. DH and I recently hit a 'rouch patch' and it was so strange bc everything else was so perfect - we were getting along so well but BAM! that was the only thing that needed some tweaking.

No advice really, just wanted to say that these things go in cycles and try not to get too sad about it. You already know ( although its hard to remember in the moment ) that it has nothing to do with YOU but with HIM. I know if I am tired enough - NOTHING can convince me to wake up. . .

I def. think its your schedules, when you want it he wants to sleep...him being tired doesnt give him much stamina,,, Whenever Im tired I am not in the mood at all...But since you have crazy schedules you should seriously talk about making time for it. If you dont say anything hes not going to know its a problem...Before I got married I had more sex now that we live with each other we do it once or twice a week. So dont worry about it...talk to him about it and see what happens

i totally agree with all the girls above me!!

i am being that guy right now b/c i am still getting used to my new schedule at work & i feel like i cant keep my eyes open past 9 during the week... and that is the time that DH usually rolls in from work - or being out with the guys watching football lol and NOTHING takes the drive right out of you like complete exhaustion!!!!

it s*cks yes, but like some other girls said before me... i still love DH and am very attracted to him - its just a rough time right now

I'm so sorry this is upsetting you but the girls in the previous posts are right. Your husband loves you and wants you, he is just tired. My DH and I are the same. I work days and he works nights and its a rotating schedule so he never has the same nights off. Actually just today he told me when he came home from work and went to bed that he couldn't possibly have sex tonight. I actually had to laugh b/c I have pretty much been attacking him every day and he wanted to warn me in advance so I wouldn't be upset if he turned me down. Having opposite schedules is really hard. Sometimes you will be too tired and sometimes he will be. I know sometimes we think we are newlyweds shouldn't we be doing it all the time??? But I know few who are like that all the time. Maybe initiate on the days when he is off this way there is less likely hood that he will say NO and it will boost your confidence and not have to worry about being turned down? But one thing my DH has said to me which helps...he tells me to never think of it as a rejection..that he would never reject me its just that he wants it to be good and if he is tired there won't be much on the performance side He says its not rejection just a delay until a better time. Maybe try to think of it that way. I hope the two of you are able to get sometime to talk about this and I hope you feel better about everything soon

Girl, everybody goes through this. I think couples put too much pressure on SEX sometimes. Theres so much more to a relationship than just the sex aspect and we shouldnt allow that to stress us out. Your DH is tired. I know how it feels because DH and I have opposite schedules sometimes and we just dont have the time or energy. I learned that rejection does not mean theres anything wrong with ME. Sometimes sex just isnt possible.

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Posted by Songstress

Girl, everybody goes through this. I think couples put too much pressure on SEX sometimes. Theres so much more to a relationship than just the sex aspect and we shouldnt allow that to stress us out. Your DH is tired. I know how it feels because DH and I have opposite schedules sometimes and we just dont have the time or energy. I learned that rejection does not mean theres anything wrong with ME. Sometimes sex just isnt possible.

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well said lea

as much as it FEELS personel..it's NOT personel. especially if you've talked to him about it & he's said it's not. It's just your scheduels right now....sometimes that happens...life happens..Just think - one day when your a mom and exhausted by the days end, you can crash & say 'so THIS is what that was all about' and he'll be the one who'll have to wait don't be discouraged..try not to be down(i know - easier said then done!). I really don't think it has anything to do with it 'not being new' anymore...i think ur hubby is just exhausted and doesn't wanna be MORE exhausted by the next day. It's a phase...and it'll pass..& he'll come around. After some hiatis i'm sure u guys will have mindblowing newlywed sex & he'll think 'GEEZ - why haven't i done this in a while?! look what i'm missing! '

Thank you so much girls!!! I am very glad that I vented on here!!!

Just as an update... when I went to wake DH up for work last night, he asked me to sit with him for a minute. I was still sniffly from crying, and he knew that, so he asked if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't mad, just a little upset, mostly with myself for taking things so personally. He was like, 'Well you're my sensitive Hun Buns (thats our nickname for each other- don't laugh LOL), so I knew you were gonna get upset when I said no.' I told him that I just feel like I want it all the time and we never have time for it, and sometimes it just makes me feel like he doesn't want ME. Of course he was VERY quick to argue that. So, I felt alot better after our talk!

Thanks again!!! You girls are the best!

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Posted by Songstress

Girl, everybody goes through this. I think couples put too much pressure on SEX sometimes. Theres so much more to a relationship than just the sex aspect and we shouldnt allow that to stress us out. Your DH is tired. I know how it feels because DH and I have opposite schedules sometimes and we just dont have the time or energy. I learned that rejection does not mean theres anything wrong with ME. Sometimes sex just isnt possible.

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well said!!!

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Posted by RisiLeigh

Thank you so much girls!!! I am very glad that I vented on here!!!

Just as an update... when I went to wake DH up for work last night, he asked me to sit with him for a minute. I was still sniffly from crying, and he knew that, so he asked if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't mad, just a little upset, mostly with myself for taking things so personally. He was like, 'Well you're my sensitive Hun Buns (thats our nickname for each other- don't laugh LOL), so I knew you were gonna get upset when I said no.' I told him that I just feel like I want it all the time and we never have time for it, and sometimes it just makes me feel like he doesn't want ME. Of course he was VERY quick to argue that. So, I felt alot better after our talk!

Thanks again!!! You girls are the best!

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Glad youre feeling better! Just remember also that the longer you go without it the more mind blowing it will be once you get around to it

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Posted by Songstress

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Posted by RisiLeigh

Thank you so much girls!!! I am very glad that I vented on here!!!

Just as an update... when I went to wake DH up for work last night, he asked me to sit with him for a minute. I was still sniffly from crying, and he knew that, so he asked if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't mad, just a little upset, mostly with myself for taking things so personally. He was like, 'Well you're my sensitive Hun Buns (thats our nickname for each other- don't laugh LOL), so I knew you were gonna get upset when I said no.' I told him that I just feel like I want it all the time and we never have time for it, and sometimes it just makes me feel like he doesn't want ME. Of course he was VERY quick to argue that. So, I felt alot better after our talk!

Thanks again!!! You girls are the best!

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Glad youre feeling better! Just remember also that the longer you go without it the more mind blowing it will be once you get around to it

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its so true and sometimes i purposely go some time without it bc of this. DH even said once that not doing it for a little bit of time is great bc makes you want it more and when it happens its even better

I think for me, when we go without having sex i do get annoyed but its when we're fighting or things just arent great. But when things are going great and were spending time together and getting along great then I dont mind it.

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by Songstress

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Posted by RisiLeigh

Thank you so much girls!!! I am very glad that I vented on here!!!

Just as an update... when I went to wake DH up for work last night, he asked me to sit with him for a minute. I was still sniffly from crying, and he knew that, so he asked if I was mad at him. I said I wasn't mad, just a little upset, mostly with myself for taking things so personally. He was like, 'Well you're my sensitive Hun Buns (thats our nickname for each other- don't laugh LOL), so I knew you were gonna get upset when I said no.' I told him that I just feel like I want it all the time and we never have time for it, and sometimes it just makes me feel like he doesn't want ME. Of course he was VERY quick to argue that. So, I felt alot better after our talk!

Thanks again!!! You girls are the best!

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Glad youre feeling better! Just remember also that the longer you go without it the more mind blowing it will be once you get around to it

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its so true and sometimes i purposely go some time without it bc of this. DH even said once that not doing it for a little bit of time is great bc makes you want it more and when it happens its even better

I think for me, when we go without having sex i do get annoyed but its when we're fighting or things just arent great. But when things are going great and were spending time together and getting along great then I dont mind it.

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Sometimes it really is quality not quantity!

I'm glad you're feeling better about this!!