Newlyweds: Do your parents make you feel guilty?

My mom and dad were going to throw a big New Years Eve party, but they kinda decided to do it last minute. Turns out, no one can come and I felt really bad. We decided to stop by there regardless tomorrow night for dinner and all, then stop by my SIL's nearby, but my mom also asked if we were going to come over for New Years Dinner on Thursday as well. (My parents live in Queens, DH and I live in NJ). And we celebrated Christmas early with them and were at my in-laws in NC for the actual Christmas holiday. So I said 'Well, I don't know, Mom , we hadn't planned on it ' (we really just wanted to kick back and relax on New Years Day - and not make the trip back into Queens again. Plus DH does not want to go to my parents house 2 days in a row . So now I feel like a bad daughter. And they always make me feel this way. Since we got married in September, I think *maybe* we have had 1 free weekend of nothing to do. We are always super busy. I know I need to make an effort to see family and friends more in 2004, but why do parents do this??!!!

Can anyone relate? Why should I feel guilty about wanting to do my own thing??!!

I can so relate...but I think its us who make ourselves feel guilty...our moms are just genuinely disappointed...


but I agree with your DH...I wouldn't go to anyones house 2 days in a row..unless they were 5 minutes away...

I can totally relate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG

I totally feel your pain!!!!!!!!!! I know exactly what you are going through to the highest degree!!!!!

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Posted by LisaT

my parents? not so much. His parents are a totally different story. My MIL is the queen of manipulation through guilt.

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You took the words right out of my mouth!!

Oh yes ... both sets, but I feel it more with my family ... since, well, they are my family. I think Erica is right - we create our own guilt and they are just very disappointed.

I think it's funny in a way b/c my mom complains that my grandmother pours the guilt on her ... but I don't think she realizes some of the guilt she places on us!!! Oh well!

I can totally relate to this....

Since my parents divorce, my Mom, if not with her kids, is alone. (she has 5 bros. and sisters, but they all live in the mid-west where she grew up)
Every time there is a holiday, I get anxiety about spending ample time with her....
She doesn't go out of her way to make me feel guilty, but I can hear the disappointment in her voice....
Most of times, it's probably just me knowing that she'll be alone and feeling bad about it.

My only saving grace is that DH's family invites her to most holidays and they get along great....

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Posted by Cira

Oh yes ... both sets, but I feel it more with my family ... since, well, they are my family. I think Erica is right - we create our own guilt and they are just very disappointed.

I think it's funny in a way b/c my mom complains that my grandmother pours the guilt on her ... but I don't think she realizes some of the guilt she places on us!!! Oh well!

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YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't even get me started on the guilt trip that's thrown on us

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Posted by Cira

Oh yes ... both sets, but I feel it more with my family ... since, well, they are my family. I think Erica is right - we create our own guilt and they are just very disappointed.

I think it's funny in a way b/c my mom complains that my grandmother pours the guilt on her ... but I don't think she realizes some of the guilt she places on us!!! Oh well!

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Cira, I feel like you're talking about MY life! I have the same situation!

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Posted by Cira

Oh yes ... both sets, but I feel it more with my family ... since, well, they are my family. I think Erica is right - we create our own guilt and they are just very disappointed.

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I agree with this. I definitely see it in my own life. I'll turn my mom down for something and apologize every time I speak to her for a week, out of my own guilt.

I am so happy to know that there are others out there who feel the exact same way!!!


Sometimes I feel like I am going to strangled with guilt and I dont know how to set a balance!

aaaahhhhh...it's good to know my fellow newlyweds feel my pain

I agree.....I grew listening to my Mom complaina about the guilt trips my grandparents would put on her and my dad - and here they are doing it to us!!

What will happen when we have kids? I imagine it will only get worse!!

My family- no. They are great!!!! They realize that I am an adult now, married and I have my own life.

My DH however makes himself feel guilty about not going to see his parents enough. Since he is the oldest, he always feels as though he always has to be there for them.

I dont even wanna begin to think how it will be once kids come along!

What kind of balance will there have to be then?!?!? Its going to be insane!!!!!!!!!

I just hope things iron themselves out by then..

I am also not sure who said it about it the grandmother thing but its the same way for me..my mom is always complaining about the guilt she always got from g-ma and still does but its the same thing from her to me...weird!

I can relate to your pain Girl…My mother invented the phrase “guilt trip”…LOL I get it all the time almost everyday and holidays are double the guilt trip sometimes. I live next door to her and she is my landlord…LOL! So I am just expected to go next door for every holiday and God forbid I have other plans. The best part is I live next door so if she doesn’t see me on holidays see can say me any day she wants! LOL

But I remember before I got married and I was still living in her house, my husband was telling me how his family usually all gets together for christmas eve and that now he wanted me to be a part of that tradition (this was the first year we were dating). So I thought that would be fine since Christmas Day (mind you…the actual holiday) would be at my mom’s. Well when I told her, she and my aunt gave me a look like I had committed a crime. My mom gave me a look that said “I’m disappointed” and my aunt had the nerve to say “you’re not going to be with your family” I got so mad. I was like “this may come as a shock to you but he’s got a family too with parents and brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews”. I was fuming. It’s the only holiday eve that they get together. They don’t do it for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas Day and New Year’s Day. All other holidays I am at my moms! Why can’t my husband request that I be with his family for this one night….Errrrrrrrrrrrr! It’s aggravating. My mom is ok with it now but it’s like she forgets when it come close to the holidays and she assumes we’ll be with my family both Christmas eve and Day and I have to remind her. But she doesn’t give me a guilt trip. New Years Eve this year was another Story…LOL. My husband and I decided to throw a little party with some close friends and my sister-in-law came too and my mom was like “what? You wont’ be here? Why?” Come on give me a break I live next door!

It’s not easy but I agree that we make ourselves feel guilty sometimes.