On the topic of mothers in law

we all bashed our MsIL on this site, and God knows some of them deserve it ( like those who go through their DIL stuff ). BUT... and this is just a thought: those of us who will or already have sons with also be someons MIL some day. What will happen then, how would I feel knowing that this young woman married to my son resents my every move and thinks i am bossy/loudmouth/annoying/overly critical etc... Sometimes I think about it and that really makes me want to have a daughter, not a son! I think it's very sad, really, and sometimes i do try to put myself in my MIL shoes, because basically what happenes is that some other women takes away your son and becomes more important to him then you! that's pretty scarry! I understand it's a natural way of life, of course, but still somethign to think about. Would love to hear your opinions!

Pelase, undertand I am just sharing something i have been thinking about for a while and opening a topic for a FRIENDLY discussion! This is not addressed towards ANYONE in particular and not in anyway a critique of people's relationships with their in-laws!

I am not married yet, but I do see your point.

I have thought about the type of mother I would be if I have a son and he starts to date and eventually gets married.

I hope I will be able to let go when the time comes.
I will still love my son, and he loves me as well but at the same time realize that he is an adult and that there is another woman in his life. I personally think that MIL'S who are overbearing and annoying do not have any other outlets in their lives. They have un healthy, unfulfilling marriage, no friends , no interests, bascially NO LIFE- so they throw themselves into their children.

Not all MIL are bad...I know lots of women that absolutely love their MIL.

I think the difference is MIL who see their adults sons as their 5 year olds sons as opposed to independent adults with their own lives.

As long as you are the latter, you have nothing to worry about.

I agree, not all MILs are evil. I like mine - we get along well. Sure we have problems sometimes but thats the nature of the beast - who hasn't fought with their own parents? Same thing.

My MIL is antiquated in her views and has strange ideas some times about measuring everything evenly, and is big into GUILT, but otherwise she's fine. Very generous, her family is very important to her, she's never spoken an unkind word to me (though she has it in her and has been very unkind to her daughters) and she respects our privacy.

Granted we're on the other side of the country, so things might change when we get closer

I can only hope to someday be the type of mother in law that my mother is to her son's wives. She helps when she's needed (and asked) and she respects boundaries. Plus she was never touchy feely with my brothers and wanted them to grow into independant individuals - not clingy or needy of my mother and father. My oldest brother's wife takes advantage of my mother then slams her when she can and my mother knows it, yet she stays diplomatic and doesn't try to pull underhanded things to 'get back' at her, etc. because she loves her grandchildren and respects her son's choices. And never once was any of my inlaws (brothers or sister in laws) made to feel unwelcome or unwanted in her home. My mother was treated pretty much the same way I am by my father's family. Shut out, deliberately hurt and excluded, feelings trashed, the works. How ironic, right? She NEVER wanted any of my siblings partners to feel as hurt as she had for the first 35 years of her marriage.

I understand your point, however unless you walk in someone's shoes you have no idea why they feel the way they do, etc. Alot of what we feel towards our MIL's may be petty nonsense but I know in alot of cases (especially mine) the damage these woman have caused in our lives is unforgiveable and unforgettable.

I'm not trying to spark up world war three here, but your comment WhatNow sort of disturbed me, about some woman coming into our sons lives and being more important than we are. To me, that's sort of egotistical to think that we should hold the highest place in our children's lives. Just because you gave birth to a child doesn't mean it's ours exclusively - children are not possessions to hold onto. And this woman didn't force her way into our son's lives, he CHOSE to have her there. That sort of reminded me of a fight between FIL and Bob's brother's wife. FIL got into it with her because when Bob's brother would visit his parents, she would call 2 or 3 times while he was there. Granted, I think it's excessive and I wouldn't do it but they're married and that may be their thing. Whatever. FIL thought that SIL should not be calling when he was visiting because it was 'their' time with their son. Then she causually pointed out that SHE is the mother of THEIR child and she can call her husband whenever and how many times is necessary! Sort of puts things into perspective. Being a parent does not give you exclusive rights over your adult children.

I think alot of problems happen when a mother feels like she needs to compete for her son. That mother needs to understand the importance of this new person in his life, and that she's not a replacement of the mother. They can co-exist peacefully.

And its not just the DIL's that have issues with MILs. Plenty of men will b-itch about their MILs too!

It's good to know that people have good relationship with their MIL! I guess I am very sentimental on the topic with my MIL being very sick! Sometimes when i think that my kids might only have one grandmother instead of two, I get really sad...

Shamme, like i said, this post was not to acuse people of having petty wars with their MIL, because of course some MIL are not very nice people, and complaints about them are totally justifyed.

I fact, the reason i posted this is that I do try to walk in someone elses shoes: mother in laws! I already know what it's like to be a DIL. I never said that mother should hold the highest place in her son's life! Iwas just trying ot imagine what I would feel like when my my son leave home and marries.

I am sorry you MIL is a source of problems in your home! Unfortunatelly, it's often the case. Like starhead said parent's job is to raise well-balansed adults not to creat a co-dependant relationshipwith their children. not everyone can do that!

I appreciate my own mother more and more now when i am married. She NEVER takes sides and always tells me to concertrate on my DH good qualities and gives me private and kind advice on how to create better relationship with my hubby. Just like her mother and my g'ma, who really loves my dad-her son in law!

LisaT, some men sure do B it ch about their MIL! Not mine, but, boy, some of the stories i heard...!

I will be facing this situation sooner than most of you. My son is almost 20 and while he does have steady girlfriend there is not talk of marriage...way too soon for that stuff for him anyway. But when I read these posts I think to myself that I hope I will be a good MIL. My son and I have a very, very close relationship. He is not a mama's boy, but he is mommy's boy. Although we joke that he will still live with us when he is 40, I know that at some point he will get married and have a family. Will that be hard for me? Sure it will. Besides being my son, he is also my friend and I will miss him. We have a lot of fun together. We go to movies together and out to lunch together and have really great long talks about things. I am fortunate that he feels comfortable talking to me and coming to me for advice, but he makes his own decisions. But DH and I are looking forward to having the house to ourselves and enjoying our lives together without any kids around .

I will be supportive (as I always am) but not intrusive. I will be there for both of them when and if they need me. I will bite my tongue if necessary(I have a lot of practice with this from my daughter and her choices in men) but be tactfully honest if my opinion is requested. Hopefully whoever my son chooses will understand that I love my son and want only for his life to be happy.

I hope to be the kind of mother that loves their children and respects them as adults, while always being available to help them when they need or request it.
I think often about being a mother to a son and a daughter. I think it is sooo important to bring your children up with respect for others (and that means NOT looking in someone's private papers and drawers) as well as self-respect. It is so important to make sure your children grow into self-sufficent adults that love others.
I think being a MIL is just another relationship in one's life that you work on and develop. I think it is 'weird' when all of a sudden someone else asks to call them Mom or expects you to be close. I think both women need to want to be friends and work on a friendship. Sometimes I think we all just assume that when 2 people get married the families are now 'family'. So I hope that I will remember all of this and become a person that is available to help my son and his wife, but not someone who forces the help on them.

I think you guys have the ability to change the way MILs are perceived...

I was so lucky b/c both my grandmothers loved my parents (their DIL or SIL) so much and they loved each other...

and I am so lucky to really love my MIL...I would not trade her in for the world...DH is very close with her...but she does not compete at all...she is very realistic and if situations need be, I would take her into our home...

This may not be a great comparison...but think about racist parents that pass those thoughts to their children...their are children who break that pattern...we can all break the pattern of the evil MIL with our sons!