Please read--sorry its long--just looking for advice.

I am a frequent poster on these boards...but obviously hiding under a fake name. Please accept my apologies for this post being long.

Over the weekend, DH went out with some friends and he told me he was going just for a little bit, and then the next thing I know its 2 a.m. and he's not home yet. He wound up coming home at around 4 a.m. or so. I had send him a text message around 2 a.m. asking if he was okay--he never responded until 3 a.m. saying he was just out late with his friends. Well on Saturday I ask him, 'Where did you go on Friday night that you came home so late?' Its not like him to come home so late just going to a bar. He said 'We were just at the bar. Stayed late drinking.' But something about the way he said it, made me a little suspect. He's a terrible liar, and I could feel something wasn't being said. His phone went off when he was in the bathroom and I grabbed it and saw he had a text message. I opened the phone cause heck, I've read his messages before to him thru the bathroom door like he's done to me. It was a text from his friend saying something like, 'Did you say you were with so-and-so?' So I asked him about it, and he had this look on his face he gets when he's lying....its a rare look so I know it well cause its just such a 'tell'. He was kind of fumbling about what the text meant, and part of me felt like it was his friend making sure their stories 'matched' if I were to ask about who they went out with the night before. I left it alone and hoped it was just me being paranoid.


Fast forward to yesterday, he got a text message and it was some weird pic and he laughed and said it was gross. We were out with some friends so he didn't want to show it to me at that moment. On the ride home, I looked at his phone to see the funny pic (and just so you know we are very open with our phones and messages, so its not uncommon for us to look at the stuff on each other's phones since we are always sending and receiving pics & videos and stuff), and it was a very gross pic. I kind of laughed and said 'OMG that is nasty! Did you send that to anyone?' And I moved to his 'Send' box to see if he sent it to his friend cause if not, I was gonna send it for him cause his friend and him always send gross stuff back and forth. And low and behold the first message in his send folder says 'Hey whats up, went to ***** last night, it wasn't packed but was okay' The ***** was the name of a strip club that I know he's gone to in the past. Now let me say that I really have NO ISSUES with him going to a strip joint, doesn't bother me if he's there cause I just don't care about that stuff. My only thing is I've told him that I would appreciate it if he did not get any lap dances while out there, cause that grosses me out a little bit. If guys bought him one or two for his bachelor party--that is one thing. But if he is handing over our hard earned money to let a girl grind on his crotch with a flimsy piece of fabric between her crotch and his pants, I'm not a fan.

The moment I saw the text message, I saw red. I looked at him and said, 'W T F did you lie to me???' And he said 'What?' And I showed him the message, and he had this look that said 'Oh no--I've been caught.' He started to profusely apologize and say how he should never have lied to me and he was sorry and etc. He said 'I thought if I told you I went to a strip joint, you'd get mad.' So I responded with, 'Have I EVER gotten mad at you going to one before?' He thought for a second and said 'No...no you haven't. I don't know why I lied.' Then I asked him if he got a lap dance while he was there and he said 'You don't want me to answer that question.' Well THAT answered it for me. I just was so hurt. Not only did he lie to me, but he did the one thing I ask him to please refrain from doing when he IS in one. Then I asked him if the text from his friend the day before had to do with them making sure they had the stories straight in case I asked his friend when I saw him again, where they went and stuff. He admitted it was. It was like lie....lie...lie.

When we got home the argument continued and he kept apologizing and then I realized that this is probably not the first time he's lied, its the first time that he got caught. So I asked him if he's lied to me before about going to a bar with his friends and he went to a strip joint. It went from 'I don't remember' to 'well, maybe one time.' I told him the entire apology he just gave me was horse sh*t and that had to practically interrogate him to get to the truth. I felt like a jerk! I'm the kind of wife who says 'Hey, go out and have a good time, you work hard, you deserve a night every now and again with the boys.' He very very rarely goes out like that, so I try and encourage him to make friends at work and hang out with them. Now it looks like he took my kindness and took it a step further. I feel like he didn't have to lie - so if he did, is there anything else he isn't telling me?

Its like the trust I had in him is breaking down. He really did seem apologetic and sorry, but then I think 'Are you sorry just cause you got caught?' I hate that he lied to me and felt the need to lie to me. I told him that its gonna be hard for me to believe him when he tells me where he's going and do I have to worry that something worse is gonna happen? He said that he never meant to hurt me and he would NEVER want to jeopardize our marriage by making me not trust him, and that he swore he would make sure to prove to me he can be trust worthy and that he will NEVER do this again. I know that some might say 'Well it was just a strip joint' but I feel like that is where the lie starts. It starts small and then gets bigger, kind of like this one did for him. I watched family members deal with infidelity in their marriages and I just can NOT become one of those women that has to worry that some lady is gonna come knocking on my door saying she is sleeping with my husband. I really do trust him and think that he wouldn't cheat on me, but its so hard right now to keep believing that cause he lied. The lap dance thing really bothered and disgusted me too. I asked why he got one, and he said that the others he was out with all got up and got one and he felt 'obligated' to get one too, and not be the odd man out. I asked him if all of this was worth it so he wouldn't be the 'odd guy out' and he said it wasn't worth it and he's learned his lesson. But I don't know what to feel right now.

Thank you for reading.

Yeah, the trail of lies is an issue, and a much bigger issue than either the strip joint or the lap dance. (Although the lap dance is a close second, given your request and the fact that you're already married.)

I think you're justified here.

This is a tough one. You seem to be a fair person as far as the strip club is concerned. He sounds as though he didn't want to be the odd guy out. It is only normal for you to have this unsettling feeling not so much that he went to this place but because he lied about it. At least you can tell when something is up with him. From what I read he seems to have a conscience because he caved after you confronted him and if he knows how much this upset you and made you feel. Hopefully he will respect your feelings and will be more open about these type of things...

I don't get why he would lie if you have no problem with it. I guess maybe bc he got a lapdance and he was afraid if you asked about him getting a lapdance knowing he went to a strip club, that it would be hard for him to lie. Only thing i can think of.

Doesn't make it right, no matter what he should be honest with you. Now whenever he goes out you'll wonder if he is actually going where he says he is going.

I know guys who lie about this all the time and it bothers me so much. When DH and his friends have gone in the past, the guys he goes with dont tell their SO, and dh tells me to keep quiet about it and not mention it if we see all of them. The problem doesnt even become about him going to a strip club but the fact that they can lie about where they are.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would have a serious talk with him and say you wont accept him lying about where he is, that there is no reason he can't be honest with you. Also you wont take excuses such as the 'odd man out' its a wish of yours you want him to respect, the same way you would respect any of his wishes. He needs to realize now that he needs to gain your trust back and do whatever it takes. I wish you the best of luck

Wow---not really sure what kind of advice to give--just wanted to say that it sux hard what you're dealing with.

I dont have any adivice for you.
The situation you are in definitely is not a fun one or easy.

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Posted by Espo22

I don't get why he would lie if you have no problem with it. I guess maybe bc he got a lapdance and he was afraid if you asked about him getting a lapdance knowing he went to a strip club, that it would be hard for him to lie. Only thing i can think of.

Doesn't make it right, no matter what he should be honest with you. Now whenever he goes out you'll wonder if he is actually going where he says he is going.

I know guys who lie about this all the time and it bothers me so much. When DH and his friends have gone in the past, the guys he goes with dont tell their SO, and dh tells me to keep quiet about it and not mention it if we see all of them. The problem doesnt even become about him going to a strip club but the fact that they can lie about where they are.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would have a serious talk with him and say you wont accept him lying about where he is, that there is no reason he can't be honest with you. Also you wont take excuses such as the 'odd man out' its a wish of yours you want him to respect, the same way you would respect any of his wishes. He needs to realize now that he needs to gain your trust back and do whatever it takes. I wish you the best of luck

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See this is why I was so mad last night! Its like 'I give you MORE THAN ENOUGH freedom cause I trust and respect you and you STILL LIED!'

I told him that it makes me wonder if he's lying cause he did something more or not. He literally got down on his knees and begged for forgiveness and swore to me that that was the only thing he has lied to me about. He said that maybe it was a good thing that he caught me lying now, before anything else happened. And while that is supposed to be a comforting thing, it made me feel like 'Well what else are you capable of?' I'm pretty sure he meant it as 'Before my lies get easier to say and bigger,' but still, it makes you think.

Ugh, I hate feeling doubt in him. I have forgiven him for lying, but now I'm wondering how it will be the next time he says he's going out. I don't want to feel like I have to stalk him or something.

That really really does s* uck. I'm so sorry to hear this. I am such a vindictive person, I don't know how I would handle this in your shoes. I know for sure I would be totally immature enough to make it up to him with a night out with the girls while he stays HOME. <-- that's for starters.

OMG I need to grow up LOL I know that's not what you needed to hear and not very mature but I can't help it. Things like that make me CRAZY!

Uggh. First by your post you sound pretty cool so I *think* you two will be just fine after a little cooling off. Also DH sounds like a good egg, maybe a littte silly to lie to you about it, but he certainly sounds contrite, so I would believe him when he says he's truly sorry and it won't happen again.
Trust is so hard to build and so easy to tear down, its lousy that he did that but hopefully there's a maturity lesson in all this for him. Give it a few days, but you have every right to be irritated right now!!

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Posted by WifeinHiding08

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Posted by Espo22

I don't get why he would lie if you have no problem with it. I guess maybe bc he got a lapdance and he was afraid if you asked about him getting a lapdance knowing he went to a strip club, that it would be hard for him to lie. Only thing i can think of.

Doesn't make it right, no matter what he should be honest with you. Now whenever he goes out you'll wonder if he is actually going where he says he is going.

I know guys who lie about this all the time and it bothers me so much. When DH and his friends have gone in the past, the guys he goes with dont tell their SO, and dh tells me to keep quiet about it and not mention it if we see all of them. The problem doesnt even become about him going to a strip club but the fact that they can lie about where they are.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would have a serious talk with him and say you wont accept him lying about where he is, that there is no reason he can't be honest with you. Also you wont take excuses such as the 'odd man out' its a wish of yours you want him to respect, the same way you would respect any of his wishes. He needs to realize now that he needs to gain your trust back and do whatever it takes. I wish you the best of luck

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See this is why I was so mad last night! Its like 'I give you MORE THAN ENOUGH freedom cause I trust and respect you and you STILL LIED!'

I told him that it makes me wonder if he's lying cause he did something more or not. He literally got down on his knees and begged for forgiveness and swore to me that that was the only thing he has lied to me about. He said that maybe it was a good thing that he caught me lying now, before anything else happened. And while that is supposed to be a comforting thing, it made me feel like 'Well what else are you capable of?' I'm pretty sure he meant it as 'Before my lies get easier to say and bigger,' but still, it makes you think.

Ugh, I hate feeling doubt in him. I have forgiven him for lying, but now I'm wondering how it will be the next time he says he's going out. I don't want to feel like I have to stalk him or something.

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it seems like you are an understanding wife, so he definitely had the opportunity to be honest with you. I would feel the same way, i gave you enough freedom so i feel there is no need to lie, well theres never a need to lie.

Yeah he shouldn't have said 'before anything else happened' i think it was just a poor choice of words. Maybe he meant not lying to you again about where he goes, not that more would happen next time he goes out.

Like i said, he has to prove himself now and gain your trust back. You will worry most likely the next time he goes out, but im sure he will go out of his way to prove that he is telling you the truth about what he is doing, well at least thats what he should do. He will work hard to gain your trust, seems like he is very sorry for what he did and sounds like you two can work this all out and get back to trusting him again.

I'm very sorry you're going thru this!

Cool down, gather your thoughts and when you're ready to talk to DH without ripping his head off, stress every point that he seems to be ignorant of: you are OK with him going out, you don't care if he goes to strip clubs (insert lapdance disclaimer here) you do not appreciate being lied to and explain exactly how his actions will affect your marriage going forward.

In the end, I would ask him to, going forward, please think about me and however much he values our marriage before he does something that might compromise that.

I know its hard and we're able to dish out advice left and right, but take it one step at a time and do/say what feels right...

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Posted by MJDoc12

Wow---not really sure what kind of advice to give--just wanted to say that it sux hard what you're dealing with.

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i totally second this!!

OK well I hope you don't mind but I asked DH for his take on this whole thing and was very interested by the 'MALE' point of view..........

I'll try to break it down as best I can. What he basically said is that...........

1.) Right off the bat, most guys would have lied. He didn't do it to hurt you. If he was at the strip club til midnight, it wouldn't have been a big deal and he most likely would have just fessed up and told the truth. However, since he ran late and missed your text.....if he would have walked through the door that late on top of missing your text and stated 'Oh I was at the Strip Club'........any guy just knows that would start a war right there. So............he didn't lie to be DEVIOUS, he lied to spare himself a fight over something that wasn't really a 'BIG DEAL.'
From the way DH explained this, it pretty much made sense to me.

2.) As far as the lap dances, he doesn't think your DH betrayed you in any way. YES, he knows the guy already agreed 'No Lap Dances' but that is like giving you permission to go to the mall but then getting mad at you when you buy stuff at the mall. DH stated that when you granted the freedom to attend strip clubs, it's 'Common Knowledge' that lap dances happen there. He says that You know what goes on there and you know what the place is about so if you're giving him free reign to go then you're giving him free reign to participate in what goes on there. ((This is with the exception of prostitution, drugs, etc. and breaking the commitments of marriage)).

3.) He's only lying because of the circumstances. He's most likely not lying because he's hiding anything. Guys will lie to 'SAVE FACE' after walking in at 4:00am. He probably wasn't doing anything dishonest or cheating...he just knew what was going to happen because a) he stayed out past normal time, b) he missed your text msg. and c) he got a lap dance.

Therefore, DH says to put those things together and you have the ingredients for a woman to believe you're out cheating.

DH says to tell you:
Don't 'NOT TRUST HIM' because of his actions. However, because you flipped out the way you did may cause him to hesitate telling you the truth in the future.

To clarify, he's not lying b/c he cheated, he's lying because he's scared. He compares it to throwing gasoline on the ground and then throwing a match..........you know what's going to happen. At least if you wait two days and then throw the match, it's go away and you can throw the match.

Soooooooooooooo..........in a nutshell....DH says you shouldn't have a trust issue. It was just a moment of poor judgement on your DH's part and it snowballed.

I hope this helped somewhat. Feel free to FM if you want to talk.

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Posted by anamaree77

That really really does s* uck. I'm so sorry to hear this. I am such a vindictive person, I don't know how I would handle this in your shoes. I know for sure I would be totally immature enough to make it up to him with a night out with the girls while he stays HOME. <-- that's for starters.

OMG I need to grow up LOL I know that's not what you needed to hear and not very mature but I can't help it. Things like that make me CRAZY!

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Maybe I'm immature too, but I would do the same thing. I hate when men lie about that stuff. I'd do a girls night and see some hot men dancing, it's only fair. Seriously... ask him if he'd like it if some guy was grinding his crotch against yours? Why do men feel obligated to do that sh*t is beyond me.

I'm really sorry. I don't have much to add or much that would be helpful. Thats such a complicated situation and I'm just sorry you're having to deal with it. Just know we're hear to listen. I don't know what I can really say given that none of us have any clue as to what may be the truth or a lie. I personally would be very hurt if my DH did that and would have an issue trusting him as much as I was. There was NO REASON to lie to you (given how you had always encouraged him to go out and have time with the guys and were even fine with the strip clubs)...only excuses. At this point, hopefully he can and will try to regain your trust. I'm not sure what I would do honestly, but I would not be happy or minimize it at all simply bc what if he got away with this, would he have continued or would it become something bigger. I hope not! I hate the excuse, 'well the other guys were doing it so how could i not participate' or whatever. But I won't even get into that.

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Posted by anamaree77

OK well I hope you don't mind but I asked DH for his take on this whole thing and was very interested by the 'MALE' point of view..........

I'll try to break it down as best I can. What he basically said is that...........

2.) As far as the lap dances, he doesn't think your DH betrayed you in any way. YES, he knows the guy already agreed 'No Lap Dances' but that is like giving you permission to go to the mall but then getting mad at you when you buy stuff at the mall. DH stated that when you granted the freedom to attend strip clubs, it's 'Common Knowledge' that lap dances happen there. He says that You know what goes on there and you know what the place is about so if you're giving him free reign to go then you're giving him free reign to participate in what goes on there. ((This is with the exception of prostitution, drugs, etc. and breaking the commitments of marriage)).

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While I sincerely appreciate asking your DH for his opinion--I must say I respectively disagree with him on this one. I don't think its a thing of being 'common knowledge' that if I say to my DH that he can go to a strip club, that I have to just accept that he's going to get a lap dance. The two things really do not go hand in hand, because it is something that is a conscious choice that the man has to make. If he knows my feelings on it, and went into the club and got one, isn't that disrespectful? I'm trying to understand why your DH thinks its okay just cause its a strip joint....but if an agreement was made before hand, shouldn't that be honored above the 'strip joint code'?

If you think about it, a lap dance is something a guy chooses to do. He has to pick a girl from all the ones in the club and decide which he likes best, then he has to pay a decent amount of cash to get said girl to dance for him, go into a private area, complete the financial aspect of the transaction and then let the girl dance on him for like 2 -3 minutes. This is all 'extra' stuff that goes into being in a strip club. The only thing that is definite when you go into a strip club is that you will have girls half naked (or totally nude at some) dancing and grinding on a pole within a certain distance of the guy....he can tip...he can not tip. Anything past that is NOT something he HAS to do--its a choice. My DH knew how I felt about it, but he was more concerned about looking like a pu**y or something in front of his guy friends. Hence my anger on the subject.

I don't think it has to be all or nothing. I mean does that mean if I don't want him to get a lap dance in one of those places, that I have to tell him 'No you can NEVER stepfoot inside there ever again!' I don't want to be that kind of wife, cause as I said before, I have no issues with the clubs themselves. Just don't want a girl's snatch on his pants. But I also don't think I should just have to s u ck it up and grin & bear it if he's going to go to those type of clubs, and say 'Oh well, he's gonna go cause that's what all the other guys are doing.' I just want him to respect my wishes, and I'll respect his desire to once in a blue moon go to said place with his 'boys' and not get action in the Champagne room.

I'm sorry if this is coming off as mean or anything, but it really makes me angry when men say 'Well it just goes hand in hand.' For that matter one could say that its okay if a guy hooks up with some chick at a nightclub and buys her drinks and lets her grind her body on his lap, cause hey, they go hand in hand....clubs are usually meat markets for people to hook up! It seems odd that just because some girl is exchanging money for it, that its okay.

And I agree I think my DH was trying to 'save face' a little bit cause he didnt' want to admit that his night at the bar wound up in the strip joint and he got peer pressured into a lap dance. I'm pretty positive that it was just that....but I just hate the idea that I'm feeling some doubt now cause I know he's capable of lying straight to my face about it.

First of all:

I would sit down and talk to him first and foremost about lying.
Calmly talk to him and tell him how much the lying has hurt you.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if you got a crotch dance from a man in a skanky thong and lied about it?

This is tough, but you both need to talk about it.
And make sure you both tell each other EVERYTHING!
No more lying.
Good luck, and keep us posted.

Man...I don't know what to say. I'm just really sorry that you're hurting and upset.

Trust is critical in a relationship. I hope you're able to regain trust again in yours.

And men seriously blow sometimes. ugh.



I'm here if you wanna chat - just shoot me an FM. I'm a good listener.