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QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

nrvbrd Posted:

QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

on how you deal with your relationship/ marital issues?


I ask this question because FH's parents are not getting along too well nowadays. I have been with my Fh for 9 years and I have been very observant in regards to how he interacts with his parents and how his parents interact with each other.

They are not the most romantic of couples, they hardly do anything together and they do not seem to have any friends to do things with. FFil is the type that keeps his emotions in and ignores his wife's feelings.

Fh has come along way over the years, he is a great guy and I love him with all my heart. but sometimes his actions and his approach toward our relationship mirror those of his parents.

For instance when we disagree he takes the silent role or just walks away, something his dad does.

Am I being paranoid?

I do not want a marriage like his parents!!!!


(I only thought NW's could ask QOTD)
michele31 Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

It effected me more than just a little. But we would need a full-time therapist to monitor this post if I went into all the details.
My parents bascially forgot they had 3 children when they divorced since they were going thru their own stuff.
But now I know what NOT to do in my own marriage, and why I should appeciate my love everyday.
ddunne23 Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Both DH and I come from very close families where our parents have been married for 30+ years. We kind of had paralell upbringings..both from very Catholic families. I think my parents have a good relationship that has gotten better with their retirement (and no more college tuition to pay! ). DH's parents also have a good relationship. His dad is not the most emotional guy and is quite stubborn, but both sets of parents gave us wonderful values and a wonderful childhood. So I think that definately has an effect on our marriage and where it will go in the years to come. Obviosuly, I am not from a perfect family and there are MANY things that I would not do myself when I become a parent, but overall I think our parents taught us how to have a good marriage and that yes, there will be bad times, but you work together to make the best of it and it will only make your marriage better.
LisaT Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

There are things in my parents marriage that I want in ours, and there are things that I don't.

We're fortunate that both our parents are still happily married (they're celebrating their 35th and 40th anniversaries this year).

However, my parents have had trust issues which have definitely affected past relationships of mine. But I've also seem them get through some pretty tough times and have their relationship come out stronger because of it.

Al's VERY different from my father, and I'm a lot more independant than my mother, so I don't think we'll have a whole lot of similarities but we're definitely affected. Most strongly by the fact that both of us went into marriage knowing there is no easy way out for us. Seeing the ups and downs of our parents marriages shows us you can work through things together.

Don't allow yourself to have a relationship like his parents. He may exhibit some similiarities to his dad, but you're not his mom. Don't let him get away with that. Talk about it, and set ground rules for disagreements - one being, no walking away.
nrvbrd Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Thanks ladies.

I totally forgot to talk about my parents.

Well they divorced when I was young I think about 7 or so. Dad is now deceased, never really knew him. I was raised mostly by my grand parents who are both now deceased.

Suzanne Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

In my family, no-one has ever been divorced, my parents have been married 30 years and their relationship is as great as when they got married ( i am told, although i came around only 9 months later )

DH's family, thats rough hes been through very hard times, his mom has 2 kids from a first marriage and 3 from a second, his dad left when he was 5 ( apparently his mom said he stayed at the window waiting for him to come back for days!) how horrible.. his sister, only 33 been divorced 3 times already and has kids with 4 dif. people.
his brother is divorced then reengaged and now thats broken off,, so he was VERY affected by all this which is why it took so long for him to come arond to the marriage idea in the first place..

(not so sure i answered the question)
Claud2001 Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

First, I want to say that I think this is a great QOTD! I applaud you for bringing it up...b/c it's not an easy topic.

I too, am a child of divorce. Actually, I was an 'adult' child of divorce, since my parents did not split until I was in my early 20's. The whole process taught me alot about marriage and love and the lies that people sometimes tell in order to live a life they think they are 'supposed to' live according to society's standards.

Like Michele, I learned exactly what I do NOT want to happen in my life and in my marriage, so in some ways, I almost feel like I have an advantage over couples who come from happily married families. I have seen what the alternative is like and I don't want it. So, everyday I work hard to show my husband that I love and appreciate him and I always feel like he gives me the same in return.

But, if you feel that your FH is already mimicking certain destructive behaviors he learned from his parents' marriage, I would not wait to bring it up. The only way that he can consciously work on modifying his behavior is if he is AWARE that he is doing it. It is quite possible that his 'silent treatment' is subconcious behavior. I would calmly talk to him about it when you are not fighting. Every couple should have a sort of 'debriefing' period after an argument, where you discuss the misunderstanding and try to learn from the experience. Tell him how his walking away makes you feel, and ask him not to do that to you.
nrvbrd Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Thanks Claud.

I have talked to fh about this. Most recently he has taken the blinders off and has come to terms with the fact that his parent's marriage is lacking.

I think you are right in the fact that he does not notice his actions. We have talked and he assures me that he does not want to end up like his parents, but I worry sometimes. Marriage is hard from what I hear, and I want to go into mine as prepared as I can.
charliesgirl Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

When we first started dating and he met my parents and saw how they treat each other and how they treat me I swore I would never see him again. But seven years later he's still here and he wants to marry me. I promised myself and my FH that I would never have relationship like my parents. And I can honestly say that I will never have a marriage like my parents.

On the other hand his parents pretty much had an arranged marriage (they are really old school) and they get along great from what I have observed. I thank everyday that FH saw his parents in a loving relationship all this time. He knows what it means to be a husband and a friend.
michele31 Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

I will also say that I learned how NOT to handle divorce- maybe not a great topic for a happy newlyweb board but the truth is that when you have children and divorce their life must take top priorit, not your painy. I learned NOT to be a wife who never even looks at the bills. My Mom didn't handle any money until after her divorce- what a mess. Know where your money is, know where it goes.
So while I can always wish that my parents had a fairy tale marriage I did learn from my experience.
Scoop Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Both sets of our parents have been married for 30+ years as well. We are very close to our families and I truly believe we are stronger people because of it and it will only help make our marriage stronger as well.



jpsgirl Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

My parents have a horrible relationship, and for some strange reason are still together. I had a terrible example set for me while growing up, and I had no idea how to treat a mate. I definitely screwed up at least one great relationship and lost a great great person because of this when I was younger. (24). But, as life goes on, you learn about relationships from people other than your parents, and although it takes time, you come to realize what it takes to have a healthy relationship, and hopefully you find someone patient and kind enough to help you when you slip up like I did. I'm a lucky girl!

chmlengr Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Both my hubby and I come from very close families where our parents have been married for 35+ years. I too think my parents have a good relationship that has gotten better with every year (seeing all 6 of their children go out on their own and be sucessful)....

I do think that our parents strong relationships have helped us in our own lives. I also think the fact that my parents struggled for everything they gave us has helped me know it was okay not to have the latest in-thing and be allowed to roam the mall at 16. I know that if they could do it, we can do it as well.
RichsBride Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

My parents divorced when I was a baby. They still have a totally twisted feeling toward eachother. My Mom re-married when I was 4 & got divorced for a second time when I was 25. My mother will not marry again(thankfully) My Dad is now happily married to his third wife. I'm an only child because of the scenario & I've never liked that.
My parents scared the crap out of me-I was not into getting married because of their bad example.
Luckily for me I had 2 sets of Grandparents that had very loving & loyal relationships. Once I grew up a little, I realized that I got my lessons about love from them.


Rich on the other hand is the last of 5 children, his parents were married over 50 years-his Dad passed away. Unfortunatly I never met Rich's Dad but I understand that they were really a great team & very much in love.

I think I've have made it a goal in my life NOT to repeat my parents life. My Grandparents truly respected eachother & that's the most important value to me.
I think Rich is a wonderful loving husband because his Dad was.

dkga1026 Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

I, too, grew up with parents who had a 'weird' relationship. They were either really in love, or really in hate. And to make matters worse, my younger brother and I (especially me) were always forced to take sides - and we were chastised by the one who's side wasn't taken. It was not fun! But, eventually, they grew up and now that they have been together for 30+ years they are happier than ever. Happy ending for them, but it took me awhile to realize what a 'normal' relationship is. Thankfully, DH saw through all my defenses and helped me to realize certain things. I always try to use my parents' marriage as a lesson for what is right and waht is wrong in a relationship.

yabbobay Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

like Suzanne...there has not been any divorce in my family...except my cousin's wife had before divorced before they were married...so my family's attitude is to work it out good or bad...I think that has had a great affect on my attitude of marriage...

DH's father died before he was born...so he was raised by mom...aunt...and his nanny...all women...although he did speand a lot of time with his uncle and grandfather...he is very attuned to womens needs...lucky for me...so his upbringing definitely affects our marriage as well...


I think b/c of our upbringing...we never contemplate divorce...even in a fight...(and its only been 6 months )

do children of divorce think about divorce as an option more than children with married parents?
natasha Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Both of our parents are still married; however, we take a lot more from my parent than his. His parents marriage was abusive, and because of it, my husband had made some excellent decisions about how he want his marriage to be, and how he will treat his wife. It's sad that he saw and experienced a lot of abuse as a child; however, he likes to think that it has made him a better person. He want to be a complete opposite of what his father was.

WithThisRing Posted:

Re: QOTD- 1/31/03- Do you think your parent's marriages have/had an effect

Not a newlywed but i wanted to join in. Great question, we actually got asked this from the deacon when we set our date.

My parents are still together, it will be 25 years this year. They had there rough parts but they dealt with it and moved on. nothing more really to add with them

his mom and dad are divorced. Marriage was a hard thing for my FI to ever want to do because of the history of divorce on his mom's side. His mom has been married 3 yes 3 times. his uncle married for a few years, divorced, his aunt married 2 times and has 5 kids, his other 2 aunts are married and have been for over 10 years. For FI growing up and having his mom marry 3 times to him marriage was no longer a sacred thing. he looked at is ok dont like it, get divorced, meet someone else, get married, dont like it get divorced. to him his mom made it seem like it wasnt a big deal marriage and it put a lot of false impressions in his head.

friends of ours (the hubby is best man and his wife is my matron) have been married a little over 2 years and we hope our marriage is like theirs. they are 2 wonderful people and them are each others best friends. At night if she goes to bed early he tucks her in, then he shuts off all the lights and locks up then goes to bed. its the little things like that, that we hope our marriage to be like. 2 people so in love with each other that nothing else matters.

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