RP: Need help & mom advice

No one on BHB has offered any help
My mom was not involved much (at all) w/ the wedding planning process. She demanded she have reserved tables, she walk (be introduced) by her brother, do a unity candle. None of which bothered me all that much excpet for the assigned seating, which I wasn't going to do. Anyways...she hates my dad. As much as she can deny it, she does. She never remarried, she's pretty much miserable in life (job, personal life, etc). So DH gave speech @ reception. He started it off by thanking my mom, who we live across the street from. he proceeded to thank his 3 dads (mine, his & step) and saying 'above all I respect Lee (my dad) most.' OH Jesus did that ever set my mom off. DH was comparing the dad's (that's a whole nother story) not my dad to my mom! She didn't see it that way. Needless to say she sent me a nasty email on my honeymoon, left the reception early (in tears) and I haven't heard from her since. here's her email. She's super sensitive and I don't know how to react to her. I wrote her a 2 page reply, but did not send it b/c it was super nasty which is how I feel right now.
Help me mend this relationship.
From mom:
You said I should have gotten up and said a few words at the reception. What I needed was you to include me as a special person in your life; I shouldn't have had to say anything. My heart is broken. I have been hurt many times in my life. This was the worst.
I felt like an outsider at the reception. It was like nothing I did in your life mattered at all. You did not even recognize the fact I was there. When you spoke, you never even mentioned me and that was embarrassing. I missed you leaving the hotel and the photos because I didn't even know it was going on. I guess it all started when I was told I wouldn't be going to the rehearsal.
Richie, although he mentioned my name gave all the praise to your father - why?? Then, he at least came over to me and tried to make me feel better and danced. I thank him for that.
I felt alone, hurt and abandoned by my daughter whom I love so very much. I thought I had paid enough money to equal what your father paid. I guess I didn't. And, I guess I didn't make much of an impression during your life.
I'm sure you didn't even realize I wasn't at the party following the reception.
Your father has not changed a bit and maybe some day you will see that.
It was a very sad day for me.

First of all, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You have just experienced one of the happiest days of your life and it really s*cks that you need to deal with this now. Your mom is obviously hurt, but I believe it has more to do with her own perception of herself rather than what you did or didn't do at the reception. You said she is miserable with her personal life, job, etc. This is apparent because she should have been nothing but happy for you on your wedding day. My suggestion to you, if you want to try and mend your relationship, is to calmly point out to her the ways in which you did honor her at the reception. Acknowledge her feelings, so she feels like you understand her. But make sure you realize that you didn't do anything wrong. So something like, 'Mom, I am really sorry you feel this way. I didn't intend to hurt your feelings and I apologize if that's the way it came across.' etc etc.

Good luck to you. I hope this works out. I can somewhat relate because I was dealing with my very controlling mother while planning my wedding. I am 34 years old and she had a hard time with me making my own decisions. It made the planning process extremely stressful.

Heather I am so sorry that your mom is making you feel this way-and Im sure that it hurts. But really, I dont think there is a good response to give her. It seems like nothing that you do will make a difference.
We didnt make a speech at our wedding...i danced with my dad and DH danced with his mom...I hadnt seen my mom in over 6 years and she was sooo happy to see us get married-did we 'mention' her...no, guests knew she was my mom...I didnt really spend any time with her...is she upset with me NO!

Your happiness should be enough for your mom. It seems that the issue isnt really with you necessarily at all. She wanted attention first and foremost in front of your dad...and she didnt get that and it upsets her.

Honey I dont know what to tell you to do-normally I would say apologize and explain to her that the day really was a whirlwind and that you werent in the mind set to really be able to do the right thing by her...but I dont think that will make it better

Oh Heather, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I definitely have to agree with Peg here....You being at the most happiest point in your life should be enough for your Mom, it does seem as if she wanted all attention shifted to her and that is not fair of her to put on you....on YOUR wedding day. What def. set her off was the attention your father got over her but that's no fault but her own. If she was going to go sulk in a corner, then she made her night miserable, not you.

For her to put this on you is absurd, you have so much going on that day...you don't even realize who is who and what is where. Sounds very selfish to me.

My suggestion: Stop the e-mailing. Call her up, be the bigger person here b/c I don't think your Mom will be (especially if she wrote this while you were on your honeymoon) Don't apologize b/c I don't see why you would have to but explain your side and talk it out. Things come across way worse through e-mail & writing her a 2 paged letter back will make this go in circles.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I swear while reading your post I was thinking that we must have the same mother! My mother pulled the exact same things!! Didn't help with planning, got pissed at my dad's speech, says she will never like my husband cause he never asked for HER permission to marry me only my fathers, and left my wedding early in tears for no apparent reason.
I have to first and foremost compliment you on not sending that first nasty e-mail. Although it may have been what you really wanted to do, I am sure you realized it would just fuel the fire.
Even after she said all of those terrible things, you can still turn around and say, How can I fix this? That is very mature.
IMO I hate to say this, she is your mother, but it sounds like she is bitter about what has happened in the past. She has been burned and is apparently unable to identify with anyone other than herself. Even if you were to write to her and try to explain to her that it was your day, doesn't sound like she is the kind of person to identify or appreciate it.
If she is bitter, then you also need to think about how she might respond to any of your emails. Do you think she will get more defensive, and if she does will you be able to handle that. If after that you still want to reconcile, tell her you would like to meet with her. Maybe spend some time together either the two of you or bring your DH and spend time together. Right now I think she is feeling scared that she may have lost a daughter and you need to assure her that you still love her and that you still want her to be a huge part of your new life.

Hope you two resolve this. I really admire your strength to make things better.
You're a much better person than I am. I gave up on my mom a while back.