Spin off to Kristin's baby itch post

After just reading it, i remembered that i had read this article today about married couples and having kids. THey did a study for 8 years and showed how it effects relationships. Ugh hope its not true lol. I dont want one RIGHT NOW but i love kids and would want a few kids in a few short years. But in the article a man does talk about a different type of happiness and put a positive spin on it

Curious what everyones thoughts are on this

its even titled: Secret to marital bliss? don't have kids


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30138330/

ETA: was also surprised to see they say that couples who lived together before marriage had more problems with this then those who didn't.

wow thats crazy...i guess in reality though it depends on how happy the couple is before they have a child and other factors ...i think a couple who is really happy beforehand, who mutually agreed to have baby, and who is prepared for all that comes along with having a child, then I don't think it will affect the marriage. However, if the couple is having some troubles beforehand, or isn't ready or prepared to have a child then it will put a very big strain on the marraige

Though I thought it was interesting how it said that couples without children marriages also deteriorated

It is interesting. I think that this was an important piece 'There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building,' he said. 'This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research.'

I think it is important that the couple is in a happy, loving, stable relationship. Also both want and are ready to have a child. Finances are also something that effect the stresses and being financially comfortable certaintly helps matters. Ultimately in my view children are certaintly going to change a marriage and add stresses, but they also add joy and fulfillment.

its crazy bc its not like it was a small percentage or even half of the couples they studied but 90%

They did say that those who waited until they were financially ready weren't as effected and didnt have the same stress.

I know so many couples who have kids who are splitting up, the stress is incredible. Alot of people think it brings them closer together but it ends up breaking them up.

There is just so much to do, and you really loose focus on your relationship and everything else

I honestly would be thrilled if it was just us and our dog forever. I just don't see how a child would make our relationship better, i feel it would make it so much worse

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

I know so many couples who have kids who are splitting up, the stress is incredible. Alot of people think it brings them closer together but it ends up breaking them up.

There is just so much to do, and you really loose focus on your relationship and everything else

I honestly would be thrilled if it was just us and our dog forever. I just don't see how a child would make our relationship better, i feel it would make it so much worse

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yeah it must be hard to juggle both a kid and keeping your relationship alive. I am sure there are many couples who work this out well but many couples who also struggle with this. Not anything bad on their part bc i am sure it is very hard.

In the other thread i said i want 'selfish time' for dh and I. Yes i want to travel and like going out but like i said in the other thread, its not like i am picking restaurants over kids lol. Its actually the more simple things such as looking now at things DH and I enjoy together and i love about our relationship and most of those thing we wouldn't be able to do once we have kids. I LOVE our saturdays, leaving early afternoon and going out for hours running errands, doing other stuff we have to do, stopping somewhere to eat lunch, if we had kids we cant just go out like that alone for hours. Along with many other things.

but i am sure although kids will change the relationship, that change can be positive if you still focus on both and dont forget to neglect the relationship. Can make it stronger also just depends on how you handle it i guess.

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

I know so many couples who have kids who are splitting up, the stress is incredible. Alot of people think it brings them closer together but it ends up breaking them up.

There is just so much to do, and you really loose focus on your relationship and everything else

I honestly would be thrilled if it was just us and our dog forever. I just don't see how a child would make our relationship better, i feel it would make it so much worse

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Each couple is different. For us, we both have always really wanted children. I think that if it is something you know you do or don't want it is easier, ya know?

I am not saying it won't be hard, god knows it will be, but I don't see it making our relationship 'worse', I think that for me personally I would feel even closer to DH. If that makes any sense lol

My opinion on this is simple. Science is a wonderful thing, studies are done although it still is only a small percentage of the population. Scientific studies have tried to prove and have proven things over time, but I believe its more important to have God as the center of our relationship. Both of us believe in this. We both go to church and pray. We read the bible and we keep our faith. Its important to us, and this common trait attracted us closer together since the day we met. I believe as long as we keep our faith and try not to focus too much on the outside world, we will make it. Its so easy to fall into the trap of 'having what everyone else has' and falling into financial debt. Financial debt is so hard on any relationship, in fact its the number one cause of domestic violence. Keeping things simple is the way to go.

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Posted by lizzie217

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Posted by TheFutureMrsM

I know so many couples who have kids who are splitting up, the stress is incredible. Alot of people think it brings them closer together but it ends up breaking them up.

There is just so much to do, and you really loose focus on your relationship and everything else

I honestly would be thrilled if it was just us and our dog forever. I just don't see how a child would make our relationship better, i feel it would make it so much worse

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Each couple is different. For us, we both have always really wanted children. I think that if it is something you know you do or don't want it is easier, ya know?

I am not saying it won't be hard, god knows it will be, but I don't see it making our relationship 'worse', I think that for me personally I would feel even closer to DH. If that makes any sense lol

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The study is pretty general and isn't difinitive of anything. Only 218 people were studied and all he variables are important to mention; was the birth planned, finacial situation, availability of adequate help (whether family or child care services) etc.

I am afraid of the effect children will have on our relationship as well. Mostly because I feel as though taking care of children is going to be another thing in our lives predominantly my responsibility.

ETA: I wanted to add that this is a fear of mine, nothing more. I feel as though DH really wants to be a parent and will be great. But I recognize obstacles we will face. As kristin said: Keep is simple!

Taken from the article:
'There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building, ' he said. 'This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research.'

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While i DO think children can put new strains/stresses into a marraige, it is much more a blessing than a curse...do i think everyone is meant to have children??? absolutely not. and that's fine..and those people shouldn't. But i think if your marraige is grounded in God, and grounded in communication, that a family is a kind of happiness like no other..will it be perfect 100% of the time? of course not.. but nothing is. My sil has said that her daughter has brough a WHOOOLE new level to their marraige lol, but that more than anything - it has brought them SO much closer...closer to each other, closer to God, etc...and that she would never choose to be just the two of them if she had the choice all over again..
There are also studies done on divorces every year....we are now OVER 50%...that means MORE than 1 in every 2 couples will end up divorced..does that means you'll get divorced or should be afraid of marraige? not to me..

anyways, i do think it was interesting to post...because i DO think there are a lot of naive people in the world who think having babies is all peaches and cream - and it is definetly not.lol..but i think the majority of people will agree that the good outweigh the bad.

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Posted by Espo22

In the other thread i said i want 'selfish time' for dh and I. Yes i want to travel and like going out but like i said in the other thread, its not like i am picking restaurants over kids lol. Its actually the more simple things such as looking now at things DH and I enjoy together and i love about our relationship and most of those thing we wouldn't be able to do once we have kids. I LOVE our saturdays, leaving early afternoon and going out for hours running errands, doing other stuff we have to do, stopping somewhere to eat lunch, if we had kids we cant just go out like that alone for hours. Along with many other things.
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i personally would miss sleeping in the most!!! lol. i'm so serious..i love staying in bed on the weekends together...there's something intimate & special about that

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Posted by jtgarsik

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i personally would miss sleeping in the most!!! lol. i'm so serious..i love staying in bed on the weekends together...there's something intimate & special about that

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I think this ever saturday and sunday morning

i saw the article this morning.. food for thought..

i thnk that its def stressful - SUPER stressful, especially at the start b/c you dont really know what you are doing yet and im sure it takes time to get into the groove - and then once you do the kid grows and changes and the groove changes and its like starting over again - if that makes sense....

with that said i think a child would make DH and i feel complete - we want to have a family. i think watching 'your' child grow has to be the most fufulling thing in the world....

i know it will be hard, my mom said the year i was born was one of the hardest years of their marriage.....lots of adjusting - but i think it was also one of the most rewarding years too...

i def want to wait until we are financially secure - i know we won't be rich anytime soon but to have a house with a small mortgage so i can stay home would be awesome and i think if we wait until things are more ideal it will take some stress off....

I don't think the article really said anything we didn't know already. Having children is hard just like making a marraige work is hard, put those two together and guess what....it's even harder. There are also socio-economic factors. Obviously the people who reported being happy had a better income and were married longer.

The top two reasons people get divorced are because of finances and children. Both of those require very open communication within a couple. Also, as women, sometimes we get lost in the thought of having children and in our children and forget about our husbands. We forget that our children are borrowed because at some point they grow up and move on and you are left with your husband, your partner in life.

I hope that as DH and I have children we remember to keep the focus on our relationship, that's how it worked for his parents and my parents.

Nothing is a bed of roses, children nor marriage so I think if you and your DH are aware of that going in then you're ahead of the game.

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Posted by bluekat16

I don't think the article really said anything we didn't know already. Having children is hard just like making a marraige work is hard, put those two together and guess what....it's even harder. There are also socio-economic factors. Obviously the people who reported being happy had a better income and were married longer.

The top two reasons people get divorced are because of finances and children. Both of those require very open communication within a couple. Also, as women, sometimes we get lost in the thought of having children and in our children and forget about our husbands. We forget that our children are borrowed because at some point they grow up and move on and you are left with your husband, your partner in life.

I hope that as DH and I have children we remember to keep the focus on our relationship, that's how it worked for his parents and my parents.

Nothing is a bed of roses, children nor marriage so I think if you and your DH are aware of that going in then you're ahead of the game.

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You took the words right off of my keyboard. :)

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Posted by bluekat16

I don't think the article really said anything we didn't know already. Having children is hard just like making a marraige work is hard, put those two together and guess what....it's even harder. There are also socio-economic factors. Obviously the people who reported being happy had a better income and were married longer.

The top two reasons people get divorced are because of finances and children. Both of those require very open communication within a couple. Also, as women, sometimes we get lost in the thought of having children and in our children and forget about our husbands. We forget that our children are borrowed because at some point they grow up and move on and you are left with your husband, your partner in life.

I hope that as DH and I have children we remember to keep the focus on our relationship, that's how it worked for his parents and my parents.

Nothing is a bed of roses, children nor marriage so I think if you and your DH are aware of that going in then you're ahead of the game.

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perfectly stated! i should just delete my post because this was said SO much better! lol

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Posted by lizzie217

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Posted by jtgarsik

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i personally would miss sleeping in the most!!! lol. i'm so serious..i love staying in bed on the weekends together...there's something intimate & special about that

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I think this ever saturday and sunday morning

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i know!! i guess u just get used to the routine of being up super early (atleast that's what most say)...but seriously u never have ONE day untill they're grown! and to me, it's not the same if one of u (aka: dh ) says 'stay in bed hunny, i'll take care of getting her up today'...because staying in bed TOGETHER is what i like lol.i'm glad this thread came up....completely got rid of any itches i was feeling from the other one!