Stolen from 09: great article on Marriage

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Posted by ant n tilde
I was just telling a friend about this! She was complaining bc her boyfriend is in the NYPD and all he talks about is work work work and when she talks to this 'friend' he talks about interesting things and feelings etc. And I told her - your BF will ALWAYS be like that. So you have to be okay with it.

I TOTALLY changed myself for DH. He is NOT a romantic guy. He says I love you and you look beautiful but he will never say something like 'I am so lucky to have you' unless its in a birthday card or something. I used to CRY about this the first few years but then I had to CHANGE MYSELF and see other ways he expresses his love for me and let go of that. . .and it worked.

But if I didnt make that choice, we could never have gotten married.

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Yeah see--you had to ask yourself what you are willing to compromise on and what is worth fighting over and such. I'm sure it might stink seeing others say 'oh my DH is soooo romantical' and you know that your DH may not be that lovey dovey type--but you KNOW he loves you and thats what matters for you. But its the people out there (not just women of course) that think 'Well my SO is not very romantic....isn't totally as loving as I wished he/she was...but i'm SURE i can change that after we're married' Or if you marry a guy whose nick name was 'Hound dog' and he always has has a wandering eye when you were dating.....don't think that now you're married he's gonna stop wandering!

I guess some people are different and they just have so much HOPE for a change---and its hard to get out of it when you've invested so much time and usually its not till years later that you realize all that 'time' was a waste and they aren't going to magically change into Prince Charming overnite.

what a great article! thanks for posting!

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Posted by MJDoc12

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Posted by ant n tilde
I was just telling a friend about this! She was complaining bc her boyfriend is in the NYPD and all he talks about is work work work and when she talks to this 'friend' he talks about interesting things and feelings etc. And I told her - your BF will ALWAYS be like that. So you have to be okay with it.

I TOTALLY changed myself for DH. He is NOT a romantic guy. He says I love you and you look beautiful but he will never say something like 'I am so lucky to have you' unless its in a birthday card or something. I used to CRY about this the first few years but then I had to CHANGE MYSELF and see other ways he expresses his love for me and let go of that. . .and it worked.

But if I didnt make that choice, we could never have gotten married.

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Yeah see--you had to ask yourself what you are willing to compromise on and what is worth fighting over and such. I'm sure it might stink seeing others say 'oh my DH is soooo romantical' and you know that your DH may not be that lovey dovey type--but you KNOW he loves you and thats what matters for you. But its the people out there (not just women of course) that think 'Well my SO is not very romantic....isn't totally as loving as I wished he/she was...but i'm SURE i can change that after we're married' Or if you marry a guy whose nick name was 'Hound dog' and he always has has a wandering eye when you were dating.....don't think that now you're married he's gonna stop wandering!

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I KNOW people always say this but I really did just spit water all over my keyboard! Its a new one so I guess I christened it.

Yes exactly, like he may not write me poems but I have never had to put gas in my car yet or go to a mechanic or do anything remotely related to my car LOL so I know that is the way he shows that he cares, by spoiling me a bit

Anyway, I think this is the most common mistake, thinking that you can change your SO - i bet it leads to most divorces

Tilde-its good that you realize it and dont try to change him. Its like you said, he has his own ways of showing you how much you mean to him.

One problem i think others do is compare their relationships to others. My Dh can be the romantic type, of course not everyday lol. But he has done things other guys have never done for me, and things i used to wish for. He is good with helping around the house another thing other girls wish for. So sometimes ppl will focus too much just on the few things another person does get but doesnt realize that just bc you have that doesnt mean things are perfect. Yeah dh is good with those 2 things but doesnt mean he is with everything else. He has his own issues, and we fight and have our own set of problems. Yes he can be romantic, but he also handles situations badly many times, we have other obstacles to overcome. Some will think 'oh if he was romantic' then things would be fine' but theres more to a relationship than that. And maybe that can be one of his pros but also can mean he has alot of other cons, i know its true for me. Mine is romantic and things aren't perfect lol

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsScott

great job I agree with this article when you go into a marriage you expect a fairytale and then reality hits you and you have to work through the reality of the marriage. We have had our huge fight already, I have learned that you can't always go to bed not angry sometimes you need a good sleep to wake up and deal with the situation with a clear head.

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just 1 huge fight? lol thats not bad at all then haha. Yeah i hate going to bed angry but sometimes its not worth it to stay up and continue fighting to get to a solution. Last night i just went to bed and didnt even want to continue the conversation. I wont even really see him today either since im going to the NKOTB and he'll be at softball. So guess this will wait even longer, oh well

I really liked this article and fwded it on to DH... a lot of it hit home

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsScott

great job I agree with this article when you go into a marriage you expect a fairytale and then reality hits you and you have to work through the reality of the marriage. We have had our huge fight already, I have learned that you can't always go to bed not angry sometimes you need a good sleep to wake up and deal with the situation with a clear head.

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just 1 huge fight? lol thats not bad at all then haha. Yeah i hate going to bed angry but sometimes its not worth it to stay up and continue fighting to get to a solution. Last night i just went to bed and didnt even want to continue the conversation. I wont even really see him today either since im going to the NKOTB and he'll be at softball. So guess this will wait even longer, oh well

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Sometimes waiting and letting things cool off is the best approach. By the time you go to talk about it neither will be as upset and you can argue/discuss based on the facts and not the emotions.

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Posted by RadiantBride

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsScott

great job I agree with this article when you go into a marriage you expect a fairytale and then reality hits you and you have to work through the reality of the marriage. We have had our huge fight already, I have learned that you can't always go to bed not angry sometimes you need a good sleep to wake up and deal with the situation with a clear head.

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just 1 huge fight? lol thats not bad at all then haha. Yeah i hate going to bed angry but sometimes its not worth it to stay up and continue fighting to get to a solution. Last night i just went to bed and didnt even want to continue the conversation. I wont even really see him today either since im going to the NKOTB and he'll be at softball. So guess this will wait even longer, oh well

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Sometimes waiting and letting things cool off is the best approach. By the time you go to talk about it neither will be as upset and you can argue/discuss based on the facts and not the emotions.

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This is what i do and it was hard for Dh to adjust to at first. When a fight would start i would always tell DH to leave me alone, i always did this even when dating. I always told him i need at least a few mins bc i dont want to react when i am at my angriest moment. He HATED this at first, and used to think i would just run away from the issue. Now he realizes its so i can calm down. In my past relationships it was bad bc i would always react right away and i have a bad temper and tend to REALLY flip out, and i wanted to stop that behavior. SO when i first met DH i said i wouldn't do that in this relationship.

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by RadiantBride

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsScott

great job I agree with this article when you go into a marriage you expect a fairytale and then reality hits you and you have to work through the reality of the marriage. We have had our huge fight already, I have learned that you can't always go to bed not angry sometimes you need a good sleep to wake up and deal with the situation with a clear head.

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just 1 huge fight? lol thats not bad at all then haha. Yeah i hate going to bed angry but sometimes its not worth it to stay up and continue fighting to get to a solution. Last night i just went to bed and didnt even want to continue the conversation. I wont even really see him today either since im going to the NKOTB and he'll be at softball. So guess this will wait even longer, oh well

---

Sometimes waiting and letting things cool off is the best approach. By the time you go to talk about it neither will be as upset and you can argue/discuss based on the facts and not the emotions.

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This is what i do and it was hard for Dh to adjust to at first. When a fight would start i would always tell DH to leave me alone, i always did this even when dating. I always told him i need at least a few mins bc i dont want to react when i am at my angriest moment. He HATED this at first, and used to think i would just run away from the issue. Now he realizes its so i can calm down. In my past relationships it was bad bc i would always react right away and i have a bad temper and tend to REALLY flip out, and i wanted to stop that behavior. SO when i first met DH i said i wouldn't do that in this relationship.

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Yup I do the same thing and it works for us. Even if he is the one that is really upset I let him know that I am going to the room or outside for 5 minutes until he calms down. That's why when I read this article a couple of months ago I thought to myself this really hits it in the nail.

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Posted by RadiantBride

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by RadiantBride

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsScott

great job I agree with this article when you go into a marriage you expect a fairytale and then reality hits you and you have to work through the reality of the marriage. We have had our huge fight already, I have learned that you can't always go to bed not angry sometimes you need a good sleep to wake up and deal with the situation with a clear head.

---

just 1 huge fight? lol thats not bad at all then haha. Yeah i hate going to bed angry but sometimes its not worth it to stay up and continue fighting to get to a solution. Last night i just went to bed and didnt even want to continue the conversation. I wont even really see him today either since im going to the NKOTB and he'll be at softball. So guess this will wait even longer, oh well

---

Sometimes waiting and letting things cool off is the best approach. By the time you go to talk about it neither will be as upset and you can argue/discuss based on the facts and not the emotions.

---

This is what i do and it was hard for Dh to adjust to at first. When a fight would start i would always tell DH to leave me alone, i always did this even when dating. I always told him i need at least a few mins bc i dont want to react when i am at my angriest moment. He HATED this at first, and used to think i would just run away from the issue. Now he realizes its so i can calm down. In my past relationships it was bad bc i would always react right away and i have a bad temper and tend to REALLY flip out, and i wanted to stop that behavior. SO when i first met DH i said i wouldn't do that in this relationship.

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Yup I do the same thing and it works for us. Even if he is the one that is really upset I let him know that I am going to the room or outside for 5 minutes until he calms down. That's why when I read this article a couple of months ago I thought to myself this really hits it in the nail.

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It does help alot, when i didnt do this in my past relationship, it was bad and just alot of fights and went too far. I am glad that when i met DH i realized this was something i wanted to change about myself. I also dont fight in public, i hated that i used to always do that, and now if anything even comes up i just say quickly 'NOT NOW we will deal with this at home' There was one time i flipped out and he didnt even know how to react lol. Sometimes he still will think i dont care about the topic and thats why i dont deal with it then and there, but after the fight he remembers that i do it for a reason.

See, my problem is that I am so emotional and when DH's temper flares up, it's like instant waterworks for me LOL! I hate that about myself, and it's not really something I can change... I mean, the tears are falling before I can even tell myself not to get upset! He has a bad temper and I don't handle it well at all! Luckily for us, we don't fight very much at all *knocks wood* but when we do it's usually him getting mad at me for something and me crying and apologizing b/c I want him not to be mad at me anymore! I always think the worst... like, 'ok now he's mad at me and regretting marrying me' or something... yes folks, this is why I am in therapy

What a great article, I am definetly going to forward the link to DH. Thank you for posting it.

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Posted by RisiLeigh

See, my problem is that I am so emotional and when DH's temper flares up, it's like instant waterworks for me LOL! I hate that about myself, and it's not really something I can change... I mean, the tears are falling before I can even tell myself not to get upset! He has a bad temper and I don't handle it well at all! Luckily for us, we don't fight very much at all *knocks wood* but when we do it's usually him getting mad at me for something and me crying and apologizing b/c I want him not to be mad at me anymore! I always think the worst... like, 'ok now he's mad at me and regretting marrying me' or something... yes folks, this is why I am in therapy

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Its not bad to show emotions, its a normal thing.

This was a really good article...it really hit home and made me feel better about going to bed angry...I always felt guilty when we did, as if the marriage police were going to come after us Maybe the saying 'Don't go to bed angry' really means not to let things fester over a long period of time.

Thanks for posting Denise...I totally needed it this week too. Last Friday we got into a fight and I'm still a little bummed about the outcome but it's all give and take. I could spend all my time being pissed about something that happened almost a week ago and let it make tension now but I'm trying to let it go. It doesn't help that I started a new job a few weeks ago and I'm still training so I'm just not settled in yet. I'm still so overwhelmed from only being home for a week and working my old job until the day before I started my new job. I had to realize that I was the one being ridiculous (but not completely ridiculous-I had a valid argument ). It really makes you doubt yourself but articles like this and talking to you girls make me feel like I'm not crazy.