The green eyed monster (little long)

The green eyed monster (little long)

Hi all,

I need to vent and perhaps get some advice. It REALLY irritates me that my husband still keeps in touch with his ex via e:mail, and I have a suspicion that she calls him at work as well. Both her father and he are in the same line of work and her father happens to carry some clout in the department. I understand that they are 'friends' and their correspondence is generally more of what's new, gossip..etc. She knows we are married(or so hubby says) but yet everyhting that is sent from him is 'I' instead of 'We' .

I have voiced my feelings to him and his response is I don't trsut him. It just kills me that he feels the need to still talk to her.

I probably sound immature and possessive, but I have a hard time dealing with this

The green eyed monster (little long)

Don't blame you at all. I would not be ok with this either. Sorry I have no advice but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

The green eyed monster (little long)

I would not be okay with this either, however my husband does have an ex that he doesn't keep in touch with as much as she keeps in touch with him. (via email also). My situation is different tho, b/c the ex knows about me, is happy for us, and her own brother even attended our wedding. (He and my DH were childhood buddies).

I found that the best way to combat this instinctual jealousy is to ask questions about her and seem interested and non-threatened. It give you a better sense of how in-depth their conversations are, and how much your hubby knows about her life. But, I would say try to resist acting like you don't trust him - it can grow into something more troubling for your marriage. Good luck!!!!!!!

The green eyed monster (little long)

I have to say, I agree. I wouldn't be okay with it, and frankly, if it means this much to you, I would hope that he would understand, and refrain from keeping so much in touch with her. I don't think it's appropriate. I think you should explain to him that if situations were reversed, and if you were keeping in touch with an ex, and it bothered him (for whatever reason), out of the love you have for him, and the life you are beginning together, that you would stop it, and stop hurting him. See what he says. Good luck. But, also realize, that the only way you probably even know that it's going on is because he's telling you, and you should reward that he's telling you by not freaking on him - have a calm conversation so he doesn't regret telling you such things. It's a pathetic and sensitive fine line that we have to be careful of crossing. Good luck.

The green eyed monster (little long)

Michelle, I am going to just throw out an honest answer here and say that if it bothers you, you are valid to feel that way. It`s not about being the 'jealous type' or not, you`re feeling uncomfortable about it and you have a right to discuss it with your husband to come up with a solution. I`m not trying to imply there is something up with them but I don`t care who she was to him at one time, he is now married and you are his wife.
Now, have you discussed your feelings with him?
You can`t expect that she will respect his marital status because we all know there are women (and men) out there that don`t care at all. So it`s up to you and your hubby hold close your marriage and respect one another`s feelings. Derek`s ex-girlfriend was at our wedding but their relationship was a long time ago and I felt absolutely no concerns in relation to it. I didn`t have to question my feelings. You need to go with your gut feeling about this. Again, that's not to say there is 'something more' going on but why do they need to email? He needs to keep in touch with this girl because of her father? What about respecting his wife`s feelings? That`s more important that the other stuff and that`s the vow he took. Again, have you spoken to him about this? If not, I would. Try to do so without anger but with love and honesty. Don`t keep it all in your own head, he needs to know exactly where you stand and you don`t need to hide your feelings as long as you respect him as well in the conversation. Hope this wasn`t too long-winded or judgemental. email me if you want to at [email protected] (my email is working again) Please let me know how it goes

The green eyed monster (little long)

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Try to stay strong (long)

That`s a tough situation to be in. I`m sure if I were in your situation, I`d be uneasy as well.

Despite what the ex`s intentions are, innocent or not, has your husband given you reason to think his actions aren`t innocent? You said in emails from him to her, he uses 'I' instead of 'we' ... is he just doing that with her?

Is there a chance that they just like talking to each other? Or that he`s trying to keep things cool in the work environment by staying polite with her? How often are they communicating? Have they always kept in contact since their relationship ended, or is this something that is continuing to build and become more frequent?

I`m not trying to say his actions are okay, and I`m not trying to say I`d react any differently than you. But, coming from someone who has many single guy friends, some that I really enjoy talking to, I can sort of relate from the other side of this too. They are mostly guys who I work with (since I`m in a male dominated industry in both jobs), though one (who is in a long-term relationship) was someone I was involved with on and off through high school and college (years ago), and on more than one occasion, prior to our wedding (it`s been less than 2 months), my husband did voice concerns, but it wasn`t always about the same guy. It was usually whoever`s name happened to come up. To me, these guys are just people who I like talking to, not available men. If they were women, I`d enjoy their conversations just as much, and there would never be an issue.

Anyway, I don`t want to seem like I`m unsympathetic to what`s troubling you. I just know what it`s like to be on the other side. Discuss your concerns with him, and let his actions be your guide. While spouses do take priority over friends, I don`t think it would be a positive thing in a relationship if the husband or wife was put in the position of feeling they needed to change a relationship with a friend of the opposite sex.

I know she`s his ex, and that means they have a history. That makes it more difficult. Try to hang in there, and definitely keep the lines of communication going with your husband. If he`s being open with you, I`d say that`s a good sign.

If you don`t mind my rambling .. I`ll keep this part short. One of the guys at work has been through a lot this year .. mainly with the WTC, and now the American Airlines crash. I feel so sad for him, and have expressed that sadness with my husband. And I`m hoping my husband understands my compassion because this is someone I do care about, just not in 'that way,' but in a way friends care for friends.

Try to stay strong (long)

Everyone thank you for your support. They do have a history, 6 years worth and she took it verybadly when we got engaged, even though they had been broken up for over 2 years. I guess part of my insecurity stems from a BAD first marriage and me wanting to be the ONLY one for my husband.

Hey, you won! He's chatting, not cheating

Hey, His ex- got a three-dimensional, four-color message of who he really loves--why didn't you? I'm a happily married woman who stays very close to a couple of ex-'s (much to one girlfriend's dismay), and I think you can relax; the past is the past. Unless you guys got married super-fast or you feel that relationship never really ended, he married you, and you should be happy about it.
If you're really insecure, ask him to tell you why they broke up in the first place. Having him tell you why that didn't work will make you feel better, and remind him why he married you!

Hey, you won! He`s chatting, not cheating

I understand how you feel and I have to agree with Ali. My husband is still friends with this girl he went to high school with who on every occasion I see her tells me how she was so in love with him. She is also married to someone else! It used to really bug me and when I was pregnant I would actually cry about it and ask my husband if he wanted her and not me! Even though they never went 'out' they still have alot of history together. Finally, I decided to try to be her friend and to trust my instinct that there was nothing to this. Happily now we are all friends and she even calls me to find out how I am with the new baby and everything. I know she still has feelings for my hubby but I know nothing is going to come from it and I think she respects me a little more knowing that I know how she feels but can put that to the side. I don`t know if that helps but I thought I would share my story.