the psychology of marriage

Just curious because it was never discussed in depth but how's everyone dealing with being married?

To be honest, I love it. My co-workers say I have a content glow now. I feel secure like I never did being engaged or dating.

However, there is this whole other side to the emotions. Like a terrible fear that I could lose him in an accident where I cry uncontrollably knowing I could never love another like I love my husband.

Also the STRESS...I thought planning a wedding was bad but thinking about handling finances like paying for college, buying a new car or looking for a house is just woah!

There just seems to be so much more to MARRIAGE than the newlywed phase where everything is p-e-r-f-e-c-t

Anyone else have feelings/ emotions/ thoughts on all this? Sometimes I feel like I have 3 heads when I ask people about how any negatives regarding being married but I know you ladies will share and be honest

I know exactly how you feel. I absolutely LOVE being married and adore my DH - but with that said there are a lot of pressures.
Like getting a house, planning for a future financially, having a family etc. DH is changing jobs in a few months so that is an added stress just because it is something new.

I also have a terrible fear of something happening to us..either physically or emotionally. I come from divorced parents and am petrified of ever becoming like that (although i DO NOT see it in my future you never know)
I am also afraid of something physically happening to one of us. I work with a lot of seriously and terminally ill people (and see a lot of death) and I see the spouse who just looks and feels so helpless. I would never want DH to be in that position. Also, I worry if something were to happen to him-how would I go on? I couldn't imagine loving someone the way I do him

I know I obsess a little!! I don't mean that I think about these things all the time -- I truly love being married and am so happy and content to be with my husband!!

this is a great topic!

I absolutely LOOOOOOOOVE being married to my best friend and soul mate. I definitely have a more secure feeling about myself than I ever had before.

I too often feel as though I have so much more to lose now. But I try and focus on the present.

Aside from us being a family now, we're a union in every sense of the word. and all those talks we used to have about how 'some day we'll do this or that'... well it's 'some day' now and I have never been more happy!

I adore being married, and I love my husband so much it hurts!

Dealing with the stress of money and life can be alot, but I would rather be doing it with him - my partner, than alone. We like the little mundane things of life - leisurely grocery shopping on a Saturday night is one of our favorite activities!

I too have terrible fears about losing him - car accidents, terminal illnesses, all these things have crossed my mind and widow people everyday. Its terrifying, but I try not to focus on it for too long and I allow it to really help me appreciate every second with him and let go of the stupid little things I want to bicker about sometimes.

I think all of the things you are feeling are so completely normal! Personally, when someone asks me how marriage is, or how my husband is, I ALWAYS say that it is wonderful - because it is. However, if we had had a little fight that day I NEVER let anyone in on that or complain about him - not even to close friends (and I am a pretty open person!) To me, my marriage is personal and I want to honor our relationship when people ask about him. There is nothing I hate more than a woman who complains about her husband, tells people what they fight about, how he leaves his socks around the house, how they have no money, you know the type. (I'm not saying anyone here does this or you are doing this - I'm just tangenting and commenting on the fact that there are lots of people who ask how married life is and REALLY want to hear the dirt - not the good. you know?) Luckily, this is a safe place to share and I am glad you did. Personally, I thought I was a looney for constantly worrying about him dying in an accident!!

I find being married a lot like living together.

However, we had already joint accounts before we married and we had a lot of job related stress before we were married that is no longer around -- so perhaps that might be why it doesnt feel that different.

We talk more about 'the future' than we used to and I work harder and controlling my girly (nails, hair, etc) spending, in part because my husband just doesn't buy and thing for himself and I don't want to spend more than him.

Overall I am very happy.

I completely agree!

I love being married. It's so wonderful - once you're with the right person.

But I do get crazy, like I'm going to lose him to some unforseen craziness!

I think I have to stop paying attention to the news!

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Posted by JPC1125


However, there is this whole other side to the emotions. Like a terrible fear that I could lose him in an accident where I cry uncontrollably knowing I could never love another like I love my husband.

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That crying spell comes to me sometimes, especially now that DH's grandfather is very ill. It hits too close to home, knowing that Dh and i will eventually have to deal with that. But, as Ryanna said, i try not to dwell on it. there will be many happy years before we come to that.

Im so happy you all shared so honestly and openly...truly the reason I love these boards

Im also happy you understood what I was getting at....I was hoping not to come across as negative nancy over here!



Oh and I totally do not tell anyone if DH and I had a fight or if he did something that annoys me....definitly a level of privacy and protection that I didnt have when we just dated and were engaged

I feel the same way a lot, but I have to voice another side of marriage . . .

We fight more now than we did before marriage, which I feel is healthy and important. We never go to bed angry and our fights aren't personal attacks or anything, but we as much as we are in love, we are 2 different people with different needs and expectations.

For the first few months of marriage I wouldn't say anything when DH did something that hurt or disappointed me, but now I'm more open with him about my feelings and I think its better than keeping it in.

Also for the first few months I didn't tell my friends anything except that I was blissfully happy. Now I feel like I've come down from that drunk feeling, back to reality. Now I share with my friends and they have supported me by telling me about things that happen with their husbands that upset them.

I just think its important that I stay *realistic* and not try to pretend I'm living a fairy tale. jmo

I would say it's a work in progress - sometimes it's great, other times not so wonderful...

I know it sounds weird, but sometimes I feel like there's so much riding on the fact that we love each other - we have to reconcile so many other parts of our lives - finances, goals, family, etc - just because we've chosen to be together. I guess it's difficult for us because we're trying to balance lives/relatives, etc in two different countries. It's a pretty amazing choice to have made, I think.

Being married is definitely interesting, and looking back I can definitely see all of the progress we've made both as a couple and individually - but I'm constantly learning how to live with him

The good definitely outweighs the bad and I'm feeling such a sense of accomplishment as we get closer to our 2nd anniversary! Even this morning I was so amazed - DH had to leave early to go on a day-long business trip and I was half asleep, he kissed me and he said I love you - but it was so cute, his tone was almost surprised, like he couldn't believe how much...

I really love being married- much more than I thought I would. I love him so much it hurts sometimes, especially when he travels for work and I have to worry about him.

But the responsibility is awesome. When we just found out that we are going to be parents, I really looked at him and realized, this is my family. Now the job of finding a home, him getting a new job- it is really difficult at times and pretty scary.

I loved him before. We have dated for almost 10 years. But I have never loved him more than after I became his wife. Everything is better. And I mean everything.

The trials are what have brought us closer. The scary stuff like deciding to move, figuring out our future, planning on a timeline for a family are all the things that have made us really bond.

It's not that perfect stage and sometimes I certainly want to strangle him. But I shudder at the thought of him being injured or something happening to him. I can't live without him. He's my best friend and only confidant. He knows me better than anyone else. I love him and all his perfect imperfections and I can't imagine my life without him. In fact, I have very little memories of happiness (other than childhood) before he came into my life. He says I didn't laugh before I met him and he's right...and I thank God every day for blessing me with this. I don't know how people go on living and never loving...or never marrying. We lived together before marriage and thought to be in love...but there is a bond...a sense of comfort, safety, family that comes with being united in marriage that is unlike anything else.

So I'll take the indecisiveness...it's a small price to pay for never having to take out the garbage.