Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Original post by michele31

Mar 03, 2004 11:45 PM

So we hear ALL about DH's cousin wedding plans from his mother and how aunts cannot wait to see Molly...and then MIL shows me a beautiful STD card and magnet...hum...looks familiar , but anyway, we don't get one What the heck? And the best part is the wedding is in Canada and all of the travel info is on the STD card. So I say to DH, maybe (secretly wishing) we are not being invited. So DH calls his mom and mentions that we never got a card and we have NO travel info for this wedding, maybe we are not invited. MIL calls her sister and confirms that we are invited. Are these people raised by wolves? How do they expect me to make reservations at the hotel if I don't have the info. We live in NY....MIL is in MA. Why don't they send STD cards to all their invited guests. Is MIL suppose to call me with info and I am suppose to guess it?

nrvbrd Posted: Mar 04, 2004 11:53 AM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Posted by SomedayBride

Posted by ChristineC68

I thought B lists really pertain to invitations?

Yeah, but (to me at least) a STD is kind of like a shower invitation, where you will send one to people who are definitely invited to the wedding, but you don't send one to people who aren't invited (or are B list). You know, you can't very well send an STD to someone, then not send an invitaition. What if the whole A list responds with a yes, doubtful I know, but then you have no room to invite the B list people.

This rationale I understand, but my friends wedding is in the Carribean, It is highly doubtful that all will attend, so she could have safely sent STD'S to all.

SomedayBride Posted: Mar 04, 2004 12:00 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Hmm. I was really talking about the times when people don't send STDs to their B list at all regardless of the location of the wedding. Your friend and her A+B STD list, that's just nuts!

michele31 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 12:03 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Then be sure to give your gift in Canadian currency

Great idea
or better yet a canadian saving bond

dcwife Posted: Mar 04, 2004 12:10 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

My wedding was not out of town so it doesn't really apply- but we did not send STD's to everyone. We didn't have a b-list. We only sent them to out of towners and most family. DH did not want his friend's to get STD's- he thought they weren't cool. That being said I wouldn't assume no STD=B list.

kmcwed Posted: Mar 04, 2004 12:19 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Sage10.03 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 12:33 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Wow...I am so sorry that happened to you...what a tough situation to deal with.

While I do sympathize with you, I have to disagree on one point though....
If the wedding is local - no problem....STD's aren't REALLY NECESSARY....

But when you are planning a wedding OVERSEAS, STD's are just a common courtesy...You can't just spring an invitation for a trip to another counrty on your guests...

You have to take into consideration their financial situations, vacation time, planning for time off from work/school....

WHile I agree that it's the COUPLES DAY....you can't completely disregard the consideration of your guests...If it didn't matter - you wouldn't be inviting any....
Obviously you want people to come and see you get married...So give them proper notice to plan for such a trip...

Again - my feelings are for OOT weddings only, especially when they involve international traveling....

ddunne23 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:10 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Unless Canada is on your list of places to take a family vacation, I probably wouldn't go. But that's just me.

yabbobay Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:18 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

do you think that she didn't want to send one to you - b/ she stole your idea? lol

sorry you have to deal

Sonicstef Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:35 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

The wedding is the couples day and I totally feel that they should do whatever makes them happy. If I am invited to a wedding or am not or on a B list, I honestly dont care. I would never dare bother the couple b/c I know all too well how stressful it all is.

That said, i think travelling to a place you would not go just to go to someones wedding is quite a bit of trouble, time and expense. And I would not go to that sort of trouble for a couple that didnt bother to get me the necessary information to do so (that could be a phone call rather than a STD too). Its not a matter of being offended. Its more about courtesy.

And I find that many of these problem situations come up when couples invite peopel they barely know to their wedding. Why are you inviting people you dont know well enough to begin with? It totally unecessary in my opinion and dilutes the 'honor' of being invited to a close friends wedding.

Anyway - thats my soapbox about it. But I agree, STDs are not a necessity..its just a little nicety for the guests.

karen32 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:41 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Posted by michele31

If I don't get an invite to our home, then we will not attend. I refused to attend a wedding where they send one invite to his mom with all of the names on it.

do you think they would do that?????? STD's are one thing - but to send a group invite - oh my!!!! you MUST keep us posted on this

Teri Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:44 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

I'm confused - the big reason you're hurt is because SOME guests received these and not others, right?

So it's not the issue of you specifically not receiving one, it's just that most others did! I agree that not everyone sendings out STDs and that's prefectly fine...but the key is to be consistent

I see your point and would be offended too.

Stacey1403 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:47 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Posted by ddunne23

Unless Canada is on your list of places to take a family vacation, I probably wouldn't go. But that's just me.

I totally agree

ChristineC68 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:56 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

I think the inconsistancy is what's offensive but they seem to have a history of doing this and they feel it is acceptable behaviour so I guess it shouldn't be surprising. Doesn't make it right though.

My cousin did stuff like that to us when he got married in San Diego. He would tell one uncle information but not us. It was annoying but not the end of the world to me. We were quite capable of getting flights and a hotel reservations on our own. It would have been nice if he clued us in about things, but we were fine; we book all of our other vacations without his assitance.

nrvbrd Posted: Mar 04, 2004 01:59 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Posted by ChristineC68

I think the inconsistancy is what's offensive but they seem to have a history of doing this and they feel it is acceptable behaviour so I guess it shouldn't be surprising. Doesn't make it right though.

/QUOTE]

Exactly!

This is what is wrong.

I know some posters said not to go, which is what I would want to do myself, but with family you sometimes have to grin and bear it, no matter how impossible they can be.

michele31 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 02:14 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

They came to our wedding and Scott really wants to go so....

This has nothing to do with 'the couple's day' or budget. But Canada is a big place and we do need a bit of travel info.I don't need a fancy STD, a printed note would be fine. I just don't think it is right to send one to the mom, when her children are adults and live 4 hours away!

I love that I sent out STD cards and would do it again in a minute. My guests were able to plan for our wedding in advance. I made sure my list was complete before sending them out. In fact, the STD cards helped me get my list in order early, which helped a lot.

kmcwed Posted: Mar 04, 2004 02:52 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Claud2001 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 04:24 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

Posted by VickiC

Well, I never sent STD cards to anyone.

Maybe they figured your MIL would relay the info to you guys.

My thoughts exactly. Knowing the way your IL's do things, I'd say they just expected your MIL to relay the info - and based on other things that have happened, you shouldn't be surprised, right?

I do not think it is a 'B List' message - I highly doubt they even thought to HAVE a B list!

michele31 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 04:51 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

KMWeds- I hope you let your Dh have it for this one...and I am sure he will never be allowed to help with lists again! In fact, I think he should have to do all the cleaning for a year to make it up to you

kmcwed Posted: Mar 04, 2004 05:18 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

TrayLu47 Posted: Mar 04, 2004 05:41 PM

Re: Thoughts on NOT getting a Save the Date card but being invited to the wedding?

WOW - what drama! I really don't have much advice on this one - other than wait to see if you get an invitation.

When I was getting married, in all honesty, I didn't send STD's. We invited family and friends who we know and have been in contact with regularly - most of them knew soon after we were engaged when the wedding would take place. We also had a website that informed everyone of the when's and where's which helped a lot.

To me sending out STD cards were an extra expense and time consuming. We sent out invitations 2 months before the wedding and we had 98% attendance and people had such a ball - we are still getting compliments after almost 4 years! I'm not saying that STD cards are not necessary for some, but I think the more 'ingredients in the pot' the more confusion! I had a list for my family and friends and hubby's family and friends and we just sent out all the invitations at one time - there was no A and B list - it's either we really wanted you there to share in our joy or not!

I'm sorry but weddings seem to have become these extra complicated functions lately that almost seem to come with huge instruction manuals! There is so much etiquette and standards that weddings are no longer enjoyable! It's so unfortunate b/c brides today seem to be under so much pressure to have these celebrity - award wining functions to make and impression on everyone. How sad!

Okay, i'm done and off my soap box!