Updates on DaniRella's family

*** March 30, 2009 ***

Spring is here now and it feels so weird as we approach May... it is hard to believe it has been 10 months... ALMOST one year and I keep finding myself thinking about 'this time last year'... when life was normal. Most of the time I'm fine but I do get down sometimes... when the weather is nice and I see young guys out with their sons, or when Christopher goes to his games (baseball, lacrosse) and we stand on the same field we always stood on with Kenneth. I can still picture him off to the side coaching some of the kids on how to hit and helping them with their swing. It is emotional for me to even think about - and I know I write like he died or something so don't get me wrong, he is here and I'm so thankful but because he is not quite where he needs to be yet it is like part of him died. I know that sounds strange and it is hard to explain.

It is like I haven't seen him in ten months in some ways - I haven't had a two-way conversation with him in ten months, I have not been able to walk up to him and hug him and have him hug me like we used to - him standing there and me standing there. I have not been able to go for drives like we used to - him driving his Pathfinder and me putting different songs on the radio with his IPOD. He comes back out to us more and more everyday though. Lately, I do see so much more progress - I see it in his eyes and I glance over at him sitting like normal on the couch and I forget for a second. I get upset sometimes when I see people out on one of the first sunny days - jogging and running errands just like Kenneth used to always do. He was always busy - going here and there and he ran pretty much everyday. He loves to run and loves to go to the gym.

Hopefully, however, as the weather gets warmer we'll be able to do more with him and take him to parks and stuff. I'm sure that will make him feel better in the mean time. I just try not to think about all that time in the middle - all of this time that is passing while he is recovering. I feel like life is passing him by sometimes and that breaks my heart. This is time taken that he'll never be able to get back. Sometimes, he looks bored - and I wonder what he is thinking. I tell him all the time that it'll just be a few more months and we'll get there. I know we will - and he is very positive about it, thank God - but, it is hard on everyone until we get there.

I can't even go into Maureen's Kitchen - he went there all the time. Back when he was in Kessler I went there to drop off a Thank You card for their support, care, and concern. They wrote to us and supported Kenneth's fundraiser - they also gave some toys to Christopher and were so good to him! I went there and didn't even THINK about how it might make me feel - talk about a clear head! I walked in and they were busy as usual - I spotted one of Maureen's daughters behind the counter and just gave her the card - I was fine because I wasn't even thinking about it - then, she started talking to me about Kenneth and how much she is praying for him - it was so nice of her. All of a sudden, she said 'I can still see him sitting right there...' and she motioned toward a seat at the counter. She said, there he'd be after all of his shifts in the early, early morning - eating his egg white omelet. Well, I just lost it. I never get like that and I didn't know what to do - it just hit me. So, I tried to keep it together - I thanked her again and left. It was NOT pretty when I got back in my car. How mortifying.

Since then, I have not been there - I also try to avoid driving past it. We used to go there so often that it is hard for me to not think about all the breakfasts and lunches we had there as a family. Then, he'd go alone after work or with Christopher - just the two of them. One day, we'll go back but I don't want to go back until I can go with Kenneth.

As far as his language goes - I tell everyone, it is like the hard drive on his computer was wiped clean. He basically has to re-learn English. I laugh at my posts from early on when I 'couldn't wait until he was off sedation and could talk to us'. What was I thinking? How foolish. But, what helps him is that he knew the language to begin with and used it for pretty much his whole life! He goes to NJ twice a week for this special neurofeedback I told you all about -- it is AMAZING and the difference in him has been nothing short of remarkable. We thought he was clear and aware before! Well, NOW, he is amazing - he looks like the old Kenneth. It looks like he is going to just glance over at me and be like, 'want to go to the diner?' It is so weird. Sometimes, I feel like I should ask if HE wants to drive home! After those sessions he is SO spot on that it just knocks you over. I can't really explain it in words but thank God for Dr. DeFina, the International Brain Research Foundation (IBRF), Maria McNish (his wonderful speech person that worked with him at Kessler and now works with him there) -- we said BYE BYE to the mean speech person from St. Charles for good! But thank God for all of the people who help us there - we have only had less than ten sessions total and the words we have are too many to list! They are now coming without prompt and he is so clear in saying them. Making the F and V and Th sounds were hard for him before and now he does them 100% perfect... it is remarkable.

Dr. DeFina said he is excelling cognitively and he is confident he'll go all the way and then some (his words). We literally could not ask for more. You worry about setbacks or hiccups in the road - seizures, stroke, etc. - they are always in the back of your mind because they are your biggest fear but, I have so much hope for the future... we just have to get there.

The case is going to trial. It is definite. The person who hit my brother told us he was going to take the plea deal we were NICE ENOUGH TO OFFER HIM. We thought everything was settled and we could avoid all the emotions that go along with a trial. Then, he decided that he no longer wanted to take the plea deal - he thinks he can 'beat this' and get little to no time. So, just when we thought it was settled we now have been going to pre-trial hearings (we have another one tomorrow at 11am)... and then once those are done we'll be informed of the start date for the trial which will be every single day, all day, for about two and a half weeks. For now, we have to listen to all this testimony (pre-trial) which is very emotional for us. Every time we go to court it is so draining. It is not going to be easy on us, I know that. I am dreading the emotions of it all - at the same time, maybe it'll be carthartic. I have to write a victim impact statement - that will be a nightmare. How can I put into words what this has done to my brother's life? I sit here and try to write it or think about what I want to say and recite it - and I just burst into tears. I'm going to have to work on curbing that - it's so hard.

So, that's the update for now! BTW, Kenneth has been standing up and walking with a cane and one assistant. In a few weeks, we are going to start walking him around the house with the cane on a daily basis - just to get him used to it. What really helped is the brace - The PT people made him a brace for the right leg which makes it SO much easier for him to stand up and hold his leg in place. He stands, now, straight as an arrow and looks fantastic! It is weird to see him stand like that because it has been so long since I've seen him in all his six feet of glory haha.

The neurofeedback which helps the speech also helps the right arm and leg by the way! He has been opening his right hand and closing it A LOT and he has been reaching with his right arm!! We are thrilled. My parents stretch him twice a day at home and say they feel such a difference and when they put his arm above his head HE now puts it back down and guides it. The leg will, naturally, come next -- it goes in that order and works it's way down. I do his homework (speech and cognitive) every single day and he is getting so good that I need to ask for harder things! The doctor said he was putting puzzles together that some of the people in his OFFICE could not do!!!! LOL! Thanks so much everyone - all of the support means the world.

We keep saying Kenneth is going to be Chief one day!

It disgusts me that these drunken asssholes think they can get away with this!!! Look what HE did to your brother... It just makes my blood boil!!!!

Keep it up Kenneth!!!!

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Posted by MrsDaniRella

*** March 30, 2009 ***

I have to write a victim impact statement - that will be a nightmare. How can I put into words what this has done to my brother's life? :

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Your victim impact statement - it's been right here all along.

God bless you for all that you have done to support Kenneth and Christopher. It is so heartening to hear of his progress, slow and steady as it is.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
All the best wishes.

These updates make me cry whenever I read them - mostly good, and sometimes bad, because of the anger / upset / fear you are feeling. I don't know you, and I was not on here much when you were going through the wedding process, but I feel like I know you and your family and I want it all to be better for you all.

I will continue to pray for Kenneth and you!!

My pryers continue to be with Kenneth and with your family through these times. I can't even beleive the person that did this to him wants to try to 'get away' with it. I hope they throw the book at him.

I agree with Susi..your victim impact report is right here in all your posts.

***** April 5, 2009 *****

This really isn't an 'update' so bear with me... I just had a hard day today.

I wish some people, in general, would understand that there is no 'manual' when it comes to taking care of someone with a brain injury. We didn't get instructions when Kenneth got hurt - we are doing the best we can and I am the LAST person on EARTH to say 'listen, cut me some slack, you don't know what THIS is like'... but, I found myself almost saying today - you don't know what I'm going through so please don't try and tell me how it is like you do.

People with brain injuries go through phases... two months ago Kenneth wanted nothing to do with water and all he wanted to drink was Gatorade. Now, ALL Kenneth wants is bottled water. It is what it is - and it is what he wants. Unless you know someone with a brain injury, you wouldn't realize this and that's OK. I would not have known this before Ken got hurt, that's for sure. I can't always explain to everyone in the room HOW I am doing what I am doing and WHY. I can't tell people why things need to be done a certain way - they just do... this is life with a brain injury.

When Kenneth's speech person tells me that I have to make index cards for almost everything in the house and tape them to the item (chair, table, microwave, TV, bed, etc.) then that is what I have to do - because it is what's best for Ken. (Almost everything in my parents house is now labeled, btw. lol) When his speech person and Doctor ask us to please have Kenneth say 'hello' and 'bye' to everyone or when he has to go to the bathroom, instead of pointing to it, we are working on getting him to call for my mom or say 'bathroom'... so please understand that I don't want to have to 'make' him say this when he's not in the mood and just wants to go but I *HAVE* to... it is what is best for him.

There's this song by Toby Keith called 'Aint No Right Way' and the words are:

'Ain’t no right way,
To do the wrong thing,
You can justify,
But it’s still black and white,
Paint it any shade,
But it won’t change
Ain’t no right way,
To do the wrong thing'

There's no 100% perfect or correct way for me to take care of my brother who is 31 years old and, naturally, a grown asss man... I shouldn't have to help him cut his meatballs, I shouldn't have to prompt him to say hello - there's no RIGHT or EASY way to do that to someone... I understand it is hard for him, I understand that sometimes it might be embarrassing but the only way we are going to get to the day where I no longer have to help him is if I do it for the time being.

Please understand my position. Please understand it is not easy for him and that there really is no right way to do the wrong thing.

Just one of those days...

Danielle you are such a strong person! I am amazed and touched reading all of these post and updates.
NO one could possibly understand what you are feeling and experiencing unless they have walked in your shoes. You and your family deserve A LOT of slack and HUGS not judgement or questions!!



Prayers for continued healing and learning for your brother! Keep strong!! You are doing amazing things for your Kenneth and your family!

***** April 21st *****

Kenneth is really sailing!! Lately, there has been such a flurry of improvement and he is taking steps ahead in big leaps. We are fortunate because there are never moments where we take a step backwards but there are times where it seems things are just consistent. He is not doing bad but not really taking steps forward. That is fine and expected with brain injury. According to most of the doctors, overall, he has actually 'flew' through the recovery process so far. That really shocks me! I mean, I know that this is quick in brain injury world but we are almost at a year and there are times where we feel like things are in slow-motion. They tell us he is actually at a stage where most people are 2 years after injury. So, for him to be a full year ahead on this 'scale' is really wonderful. We have to just thank God for that - and Kenneth's drive/will.

My husband was just floored the other day when he came over and heard me working with Kenneth at the table. We were doing our speech homework and my husband could not believe the words he was saying, most without prompt, and so clearly. He said he has never been so blown away before.

Kenneth has a notebook for speech that he works out of and we can keep track of his progress. He works with Maria, his wonderful speech person in NJ, two times a week and also has his special treatment session of neurofeedback during the same visit. Then, I work with him every single day at one point or another for about an hour -- we practice or do our 'homework' as I call it. Lately, there has been such an improvement that Kenneth now points to the book every single day and asks to do it -- he'll say 'work' and motion to my mom. Today, I was grabbing something quick to eat and my mom called me - she said, are you coming over soon? So, I said - yes, I'm almost done and I'll be there in a few minutes, why? And she said, he is pointing to the book and wants to work NOW. LOL! So, I said, he won't work with you for a minute?? And she said, he keeps giving me the look of this is not exactly what I want and I will say, you want Danielle, huh? And he'll say 'yes'.

So, I finished eating and rushed home - he laughed when I came in the door! I said, geez can I go to the bathroom first at least?? We have at least 50 -- FIFTY -- words in his language base now. Some he can say without ANY prompt or help getting him started which is absolutely unbelievable. MOST he can say totally on his own but I just need to give him that first sound. So, I'll just go 'T' for toilet or whatever. 'Ch' for chair, etc. Everyday it seems there are new words added and words that he used to need a prompt on and now he can do on his own. He says hi/hello, bye, mom, dad, jennifer, danielle, christopher, bathroom, chair, i'm tired, i'm ok, yes, no, i'm hungry, i love you, and a few other things without any prompt or hesitation anymore. Then, the rest of the words that add up to about fifty is with just the first letter/sound and he's got it. The more we work and the more he does the feedback sessions - the better he gets.

He has mastered almost all of the sounds and syllables. Maria said he just needs to get 'Sh' and 'Z' which is the hardest but he is almost there. He has improved so much with 'F' and 'V' which is where you need to bite your lower lip to do it -- and he has totally mastered that! The strides he is making and the amount he is learning and retaining is nothing short of a miracle. I just can't even believe it myself anymore.

Yesterday, I said 'you want to warm up with the days of the week?' which is something I usually say and he says it with me -- well, I said that and went to look up to prompt him and I hear 'MONDAY' as clear as day -- he just got it, on his own, without any help. Then, he did the rest of the days of the week. He is now saying full sentences along with me -- with my assistance he can handle anything -- it is just a matter of getting it to be in the memory bank forever and making sure the way he pronounces it is perfect. He writes and we work on the letters and his penmanship. I never went to college for anything related to this, I never did anything like this before but Maria said I'm like a natural at it -- that makes me feel good because at least he can really benefit from the work I do with him!

My mom forgot to give him his cognitive vitamins with lunch yesterday -- as soon as he was done eating he started pointing to the microwave area where we keep them. My mom said, what do you need Ken? and he just kept pointing. So, she took him over there and he pointed right at the little dish we keep his pills in (we have one for AM, lunch, and PM) and she said omg, I forgot to give them to you when you ate, huh? And he said, YES! LOL!!!! I mean, who is taking care of who here?? He is so on the ball, so sharp, and so himself -- it's great. We are so lucky.

I always try to see the bright side of everything and one of the many silver linings of this situation is that I can watch a person face such adversity and overcome every single day. I am lucky enough to witness someone go against the odds and win. I get to see the brain put itself back together again and I get to see someone who looked death right in the face come back and do well. I know I will see him go all the way -- he is learning the language all over again and I get to help him down that road so I really feel blessed.

We have practically everything in the house labeled and that is really helping Kenneth -- so, if he looks at the door and is having trouble finding the word he can see the spelling and that will help him to get it out.

That's the update for now. We are having a celebration mass for Kenneth at our Church (where I was married) in Nesconset on May 17th which will signify one year since this all began. I thank God everyday that on May 17th I'll be at a celebration mass and not a memorial mass. I can't thank Him enough for that. It's going to be a great day - a lot better than last year and I know next year will be even better than this year!

That is wonderful to hear and truly amazing!

Amazing!!!!!!!

wonderful progress!!!!!!!

keep up the great work all of you!!!!!!

His progress is an amazing miracle, your dedication is such an inspiration.

I want to thank you for taking the time to update us. I'm sure it helps you to write, but I personally, am so grateful for the updates especially since I've never dealt with anything like this so it's such an education and I really appreciate your honesty and openness.

****** JUNE 10th *******

I'm sorry I haven't been on lately to update -- the trial has been emotional and exhausting for us. So far, I feel as though it is going very well in terms of the case... as much as it is hard to be there everyday, it is going well for us, IMO.

Kenneth took the stand today as some of you may have seen on the news. It was a hard day but something that had to be done. There is a clip on News12's website that gives a lot of information. Then, there's a link from Newsday.com

I know none of you have seen Kenneth since he got hurt so this will give you the opportunity. I think everyone was kind of eager to get that 'glimpse'. He was fine with it - he just smiled and gave a thumbs up. He took it all with a ton of courage. I am continually amazed at his bravery but, really, today was nothing compared to the past year+ of his life. The adversity he faces every single day is the true challenge and that is where he really impresses me.

It was difficult seeing him wheeled into the testimony/witness box and left there for about five minutes while 50+ people, mostly media, stared at him. Each person examined him from head to toe. I'm sure some were thinking, 'but he looks so good'. His Doctor who took the stand mentioned something to me about that which stayed with me... it is like at a wake, when you see the person and people comment on how peaceful they look, how good they look, like they are sleeping, etc. but, in reality, they are dead. It really makes you think that just because someone doesn't have disfiguring physical injuries which can be seen with the naked eye, does not mean they are just 'fine'. Now, I'm never negative with Kenneth's condition - I try to be the opposite. However, today was a day for reality -- and today was a day where, for a brief period, we could no longer paint a pretty picture. For the record, I will happily return to my 'he *will* go all the way, there's no question about it' attitude after this is over.

For now, the person who did this to my brother had to see exactly what he did. He only looked up once or twice at Kenneth - otherwise, he couldn't even look at him. Kenneth had no problem looking at the defendant though. Sometimes, during Kenneth's time up there which seemed like an eternity, Kenneth would look at us, smile, nod, and give us a thumbs up to let us know he was OK. When Dr. DeFina asked if he could move his left arm he moved it. Then, when he asked about the right arm, he simply shook his head no and held up his right arm with his left almost as if to say, 'see, nope, it doesn't work'.

He stayed calm, cool, and collected. He demonstrated so much class and dignity while up there that it still shocks me. He was gawked at, picked apart, and examined like an insect in a museum -- and, at the end of the day, he just smiled at me, gave me a kiss, and went home with my parents to watch the Met game. Typical Kenneth - nothing shakes him. He seemed satisfied that he got the opportunity to be in court - to put a name to the face, to humanize 'that cop' -- the infamous cop. It is hard because people see police officers as machines sometimes - we forget, especially during this trial up until today, that he is a real person with real problems/feelings/loved ones. He feels. He suffers. He laughs. He cries. I'm just relieved I'm there to do all of that with him so he doesn't have to do it alone. I'll always be there. We all will.

I will be thinking of you and your family during these times.

Your brother's story is so inspiring... he is a very lucky man to have such a supportive, loving family. I hope you all know how much we are rooting for you! I pray that your brother makes a full recovery and that justice will be served.

My prayer's are with your family. I have faith and believe that your borther will get better with time. He is so blessed to have wonderful supportive family, friends and even strangers. May God help him through all of this