vent here

soooo

go back....
many of you may remember that back in January I got into a fight with FIL and at the time we were living with him , and after that fight DH and I have decided that we couldn't live under his roof , so DH and I moved out shortly after into our new home Feb 1st.

i dont get along w/ FIL, nor do i want to be around him.

Well DH sister went to visit FIL today, and DH was mad that I refused to go there

why would i want to first off? and be uncomfortable the WHOLE time that I am there. His sister understands completely, but DH stays that im stuburn and that i need to grow up , he said what ur not gonna come here when we have a kid and he can't visit his grandpa? and i said NOPE, you can bring him over there.

am i being rediculous? i understand that you are suppose to compromise in a marriage, but to have to sit at someones house you basically got kicked out of 7 months ago, why in earth would u want to go back

i guess it really depends on the situation. I don't know what went down but if it is something that can be let go of, then please try to. don't put a strain on your relationship with DH over it

go over there 1 day and just be civil. you don't even have to say anything but go and give it a shot



(i am 1 of the most stubburn people but sometimes you have to bend just a little )

Totally understand why you'd be soo upset... There are things my in laws have said/done that makes me sometimes not want to be around them either... but when you marry the man, you marry his family... So like it or not, we all have to suck it up... do what would make DH happy... and then hope he remembers in the future what you did for him The last thing you want is a complete disconnect that puts your DH in a situation where he basically needs to choose you or his fam... not fair to either of you... so yes, compromise... not for your FIL but for your marriage

I totally understand how you feel. I hated my FIL (he died in January so I don't have to deal with him anymore--I know that sounds harsh, but I really really did not like the man). But at the end of the day he is your husband's father. You don't have to like your FIL, but what's more important, holding out or being there for your husband? At the end of the day, as much as I didn't like FIL, I had to deal with him for DH's sake. It meant more to him to have me be around his father than it meant for me to avoid him at all costs. And It's not worth hurting your husband and causing fights.

Sorry to be blunt, but you're going to be married to DH for a long time and you'll need to deal with FIL eventually. Why continue to stir bad blood?

not sure what happened, but my DH grew up where FIL never interacted with MIL's extended family. i know it caused a strain - and still does - especially around the holidays

try to at least be civil now, cuz in the future if you have kiddies, and they love their poppy, you shouldnt stop them (unless FIL is really really bad...but idk the story)

jmo

I know the correct answer is to tell you to try to get over it...but I can't do that because I hate hate HATE DH's sister and I refuse to be in the same room with her, I don't care what kind of strain it causes the family and I swear my children will never know her until she apologizes to me for the heinous things she said...

Obviously I am biased and can't help you except to tell you you're not alone

This is a tough situation...and not knowing all the details here is my take and again I'm no expert on anything...

I would do what u want in regards to the future...if u really and honestly think u will never ever go see him and when u and dh have kids u will never go see him then don't go...

But keep in mind all the holidays,birthday parties soccer practices,recitals,graduatuons etc etc ....he will want to be there and this could be an ongoing problem so u may want to just bury the hatchet now as hard as it may be just to save it for the future...

Now in saying that if its something u r not ready to do or not wanting to do then don't...u should not be forced to do anything..but as someone who has been through cancer with my dad,strokes and 2 heart attacks with my mom you never know what can happen tomorrow and sometimes what we want to say or do we don't get the chance till its too late

Love u girl and if u need to vent I'm always always here for you

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Posted by gina409

This is a tough situation...and not knowing all the details here is my take and again I'm no expert on anything...

I would do what u want in regards to the future...if u really and honestly think u will never ever go see him and when u and dh have kids u will never go see him then don't go...

But keep in mind all the holidays,birthday parties soccer practices,recitals,graduatuons etc etc ....he will want to be there and this could be an ongoing problem so u may want to just bury the hatchet now as hard as it may be just to save it for the future...

Now in saying that if its something u r not ready to do or not wanting to do then don't...u should not be forced to do anything..but as someone who has been through cancer with my dad,strokes and 2 heart attacks with my mom you never know what can happen tomorrow and sometimes what we want to say or do we don't get the chance till its too late

Love u girl and if u need to vent I'm always always here for you

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ITA. Well said. I remember how awful that situation was sweetherat. Coll, you have to do what works best for you but Gina is right in the sense that there will be SO many things that he will be apart of. Take some time, think it through and go from there.I am here if you need me.

I just want to give you these....

my BIL's soon to be ex-wife refused to interact with MIL... it caused untold damage to their marriage. just try to compromise, for your DH's sake. i know how hard it is.

I understand how you are feeling and im like that too, why put yourself in a situation when you dont have to be or if its going to make you unconfortable.

but what happends with me is i usually give in and do it anyways, i would hate to see this cause problems with you and DH..

maybe not go over every time, but once in a while pop your face in, just to make DH happy

I think you are going to have to decide what to do and when to do it.

I can see why you wouldn't ever want to talk to him again. But at the same time he is going to be in your life because he's DH's father. And when you have kids that's going to get messy and hard. It's going to become very difficult to totally ignore him and refuse to be around him when the holidays and kids come.

I don't know what the fight or any of that was about. I do think that there are certain circumstances in which completely cutting the person out of your life outweighs having them in your life. But only you can decide that.

I know it s u c k s but you love Tom and Tom loves his dad...so for him, try to be civil.

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I wouldn't want to go to his house if I were you either. Would your DH want to go to someone's house and be uncomfortable all day?
I think it's one thing if it's a family function and you both are going to be there (you and your FIL), then really you have no choice. But, to just go 'visit' someone you don't get along with?
I'm sorry your DH doesn't agree with you, he's prob just trying to keep the peace.

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Posted by LadyDuda81509

I understand how you are feeling and im like that too, why put yourself in a situation when you dont have to be or if its going to make you unconfortable.

but what happends with me is i usually give in and do it anyways, i would hate to see this cause problems with you and DH..

maybe not go over every time, but once in a while pop your face in, just to make DH happy

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Ditto, that's what I do, otherwise I have no communication with mine..and I'm totally perfectly happy with that. We've never had a blow out or anything, but as people, ehh, you get the point. I'm in the miniorty in the whole'you marry him you marry the family'. Yeah, it make things smooth, it's best to be civil, that's how I am with mine. But I'm not into forced relationships either.. If I was you, unless they are abusive or totally disrespectful, where I would not put me nor my children in the situation, I would pop in every couple of months. There is no law stating you have to have an outside relationship if you don't like them outside of when you HAVE TO see them. No one in my family really cared for their MIL's especially, and there's my grandparents married 55 years later, so it won't always make or break a marriage.