What would you do?

As you may know, I haven’t seen or spoken to my sister since my wedding b/c of her behavior. She has never called to apologize. In fact, she hasn't called at all.

With the holidays coming, I will obviously buy her kids gifts BUT I wonder: am I supposed to get her a Christmas present? I’m thinking no. Is that cruel? Is she going to buy me one? Do I just keep a generic gift on-hand in case?

Plus she didn’t give me a wedding present. Not even a card. Unless you count leaving my wedding a gift… which, now that I think about it… might have been a present in itself. But seriously, do I get her anything? I’m stumped.

we have a 'rule' in my family....when the person has kids we buy for the kids and not that person anymore.

I would just buy for the kids and call it a day.

Difficult decision, but I would send her children presents, and then send her a present as well without expecting to receive a gift in return.
You can be the better person.

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Posted by WilliesBride

If you are not speaking, would you even see her at all??

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Well, I got away with not seeing her for Thanksgiving b.c my mom is coming to us (we live in RI) but we will have to go to NY for Christmas. I will see her at my Dad's on XMas Eve or at my Mom's on Xmas. She has nowhere else to go (no in-laws - she's divorced, and no BF)

It's hard for me to answer this question. I am super close to my brother and cannot even imagine having a bad relationship with him so it's hard for me to put myself in your position. However DH has no relationship with his sister now. Barely had one throughout our relationship but I tried to have one with her. In the end the relationship was destroyed and as I said DH has no relationship, no contact whatsoever. Seeing what I have seen through his eyes and what you described about how your sister acted on your wedding day I'd say no gift.

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Posted by BrideToBe24

we have a 'rule' in my family....when the person has kids we buy for the kids and not that person anymore.

I would just buy for the kids and call it a day.

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ditto Once people have kids we just automatically buy for the kids instead.

This is going to sound horrible, but making amends with her doesn't interest me at all. I'm so done with her.

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Posted by BrideToBe24

we have a 'rule' in my family....when the person has kids we buy for the kids and not that person anymore.

I would just buy for the kids and call it a day.

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We have the same rule. I wouldn't buy for her unless you want to try and repair your relationship.

I remember the craziness involving your sister. Honestly, I would buy just buy gifts for her kids.

Last year I decided that if you have kids, I'm getting the kids and not the parents any longer - in my case it had more to do with the fact that I felt I was going all out in years past for two people in specific and it was never appreciated or acknowledged, so that was my 'excuse'. Good to hear other people do this too!

Go with just the kids. If you wanted to make amends I would say instead of a gift, maybe ask her out to breakfast at a nice diner or something and youcould pick up the tab. I mean i know nothign about your realtionship with her-my family is dysfunctional and we fight all the time but we always make up. Just how we are, so hard for me to imagien totally cutting ties. But thats not to say that isn't whats best for you.

but have you spoken to ehr about how she treated you at the wedding? or are there bigger issues here?

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Posted by PeteysBride

but have you spoken to ehr about how she treated you at the wedding? or are there bigger issues here?

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No we have not spoken at ALL. Not one phone call. She sent condolences via my mother when my FIL died. That's it.

I did send home a big box of business suits for her when she got a new job. (They were mine but I work in a casual environment now). Never got a thank you.

But you should all understand that I'm not not speaking to her just b/c of my wedding day. I'm not that superficial. The wedding day was just another instance of 'Beth being Beth' as we call it. And it just put me over the edge. That was the last straw.

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Posted by carolinebr

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Posted by PeteysBride

but have you spoken to ehr about how she treated you at the wedding? or are there bigger issues here?

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No we have not spoken at ALL. Not one phone call. She sent condolences via my mother when my FIL died. That's it.

I did send home a big box of business suits for her when she got a new job. (They were mine but I work in a casual environment now). Never got a thank you.

But you should all understand that I'm not not speaking to her just b/c of my wedding day. I'm not that superficial. The wedding day was just another instance of 'Beth being Beth' as we call it. And it just put me over the edge. That was the last straw.

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right there the fact she didn't even thank you for the suits you sent.....I would NOT get her a gift, she sounds like she's proven to you many times over that she's not going to change. I would just buy for her kids and that's it.

With DH he's one of 7 kids, so we don't buy anything for his siblings, just their kids. But w/ me, I only have my sister, so I always buy her something. but I can understand those of you that kind of 'cut off' the adults and just buy for the kids.....it all gets to be so expensive!!!

I was borderline 'the beth' in my family.. though I never did anything that really HURT my siblings... i was just the f*ck up for a while.

gifts for the kids (because they're probably neglected in some by their mom from what you've explained of her)

no gift for beth

F*ck it.. you can only take so much

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Posted by BrideToBe24

we have a 'rule' in my family....when the person has kids we buy for the kids and not that person anymore.

I would just buy for the kids and call it a day.

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The rule in my family now is that we just buy for kids and our own parents... which is basically unfair since DH and I are the ONLY ones without kids and won't ever have them... but such is life and we don't need people spending money on gifts for us.

Honestly, you're a big girl. If you don't want to give her a present, don't. Period. Don't worry about if she gets you one, do what you want to do. I DO think you should buy for the kids b/c it's not their fault - but I just wouldn't buy for her.

We would just give a gift to the children. When you think about it you are giving her gift 'Tough Love' and 'Not Dealing With Her Problems'.

It's her decision to become mature or continue to be her usual self. We would not worry about it. This year is special for you and your husband. Stay focused on your wonderful life.

~dancer and chef~
charlotte and michael

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Posted by HelenZ

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Posted by carolinebr

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Posted by PeteysBride

but have you spoken to ehr about how she treated you at the wedding? or are there bigger issues here?

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No we have not spoken at ALL. Not one phone call. She sent condolences via my mother when my FIL died. That's it.

I did send home a big box of business suits for her when she got a new job. (They were mine but I work in a casual environment now). Never got a thank you.

But you should all understand that I'm not not speaking to her just b/c of my wedding day. I'm not that superficial. The wedding day was just another instance of 'Beth being Beth' as we call it. And it just put me over the edge. That was the last straw.

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right there the fact she didn't even thank you for the suits you sent.....I would NOT get her a gift, she sounds like she's proven to you many times over that she's not going to change. I would just buy for her kids and that's it.

With DH he's one of 7 kids, so we don't buy anything for his siblings, just their kids. But w/ me, I only have my sister, so I always buy her something. but I can understand those of you that kind of 'cut off' the adults and just buy for the kids.....it all gets to be so expensive!!!

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I agree-christmas is really for the kids anyway and I dont believe in the whole 'being the better person' because in these situations, you're not doing it out of the kindness of your herat with genuine affection which would make you a better person-u'd be giving it to her to 'stick it' ro her, which I think is just bad for your own sense of mental self. Don't even bother.