what would you do? (sorry it's long)

(Sorry it is so long!)

I am a poster on here... but using a fake name. The person I am hurt by has an account on here.

A good friend of mine that was in my wedding asked me to be in her wedding. From the time I said yes to now, things have changed for me, personally and financially. I had to step down as a bridesmaid b/c I did not have the money necessary to contribute to her shower, bachelorette party and a few other things. I was under the assumption that her mother was taking care of her shower. Little did I know, her mother was only planning it and expecting the bridesmaids to pay for everything! And her mom told us that she does not want to contribute.

My friend is very upset with me for backing out and not understanding of my situation at all. She went back to saying she had to shell out money for my wedding and I should do the same.

I know when her shower was supposed to be because before I backed out her mom told me when it was. I was waiting to get an invitation in the mail. It never came!!! I looked at her registry and things are coming off like crazy! This means that I am not invited!! I am deeply hurt, and I cannot even say anything to my friend because i don't want her know about her upcoming shower. (she was mad at me for mentioning her shower when I backed out b/c she didn't know she was having one) She was registered so she knew it was coming.

Now my question is, should I even go to her wedding? I feel like she doesnt even want me to be a part of her day..... I am just so hurt, what would you do???

~Hurt bride

You did the right thing, how many posts do we have on here about bridesmaids complaining about the money, not doing their stuff in time due to money,and on and on.
I would send her a handwritten note, telling her you are sorry and that you still are looking forward to seeing her walk down the aisle, and offer to help her that day.
She may not have sent the shower invite, since showers are all about the gifts, and she wants to spare you the expense.

sorry to hear this! before even worrying about whether or not to go to the wedding, i would sit down with her and talk about it all (obv not the shower part and you dont have to give every detail of what went on behind scenes with her mom and stuff)...tell her youre feeling hurt and why, that it wasn't a matter of not wanting to contribute but being unable, etc. hopefully if you explain it all, she'll understand why you felt you had to step down. and if youre concerned about her not wanting you at the wedding, you can talk to her about that too.

maybe theres a chance that she'd still want you to be a BM regardless of what you could financially contribute?? i know i would if it was my BMs!!

GL!

sidenote: are you not concerned she'll read this and figure its you?

I had a BM who backed out of the wedding due to a health situation (I'm still not 100% sure how much of it is true, and how much is an exaggeration to be completely honest). Money may have been a factor as well.

I would have much preferred if she was totally honest with me, rather than the excuse after excuse after excuse that I got from her.

She didn't come to the engagement party.

Then she backed out.

And then she didn't come to the bridal shower (yes, she was invited). No gift or card or anything from her.

And then she didn't come to the wedding (yes, she was invited). Again. no gift or card or anything from her.

All I really wanted was an acknowledgment from her of something so huge in my life, that even a card would have done the job (and an empty one .... I didn't invite anyone for the gifts they might give!). And if she would have come to the wedding without even a card, I would have been thrilled that she was there to celebrate the day with me.

I was really really really very hurt. Hmmm ... and I guess, as I'm writing this, its pretty clear that I still AM hurting.

Sorry this is long with so much of my own back story here .... but in my opinion, if she invites you to the wedding & YOU still feel a friendship with her, then I don't see any reason not to go to the wedding.

I am going to have to say she might not invite you to the wedding. I would clear this up after the shower is done. This way maybe you can patch things up.

As long as you were honest and upfront I see no reason for this bride to go all fyuo because you had to back out unless she is not a true friend.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. With regards to the shower, if its a surprise, then who is driving the invitation list? Her MOH? The MOB? There may be more afoot here than just the bride.

I agree with a PP and think a hand written note to her would be best. All you can do is be completely honest with her, and if she decides that your friendship is worth it and doesn't turn on you b/c of this, then she will. But you do have to be prepared for the worst and realize that this may be it. I know that is upsetting, but this could be one of those times where the true colors come out.

First off I'm sorry you are going through this - only you know the situation that you're in. While I don't believe that just because she spent money on your wedding that you should have to spend money on hers, I do have to say that you should have expected to spend $ as a bridesmaid because, well, it costs $$ to BE a bridesmaid. And while I do understand your frustration in having believed that her mom was not only planning the shower, but also footing the entire bill, I hope you understand that not everyone's parents are fortunate enough to be able to pay for such a party on their own, not is it traditionally an expense that a mother of the bride pays for (don't flame me, I know that many moms nowadays pay for them, but traditionally that was not the case, and it is the choice of a mom to do so if she so wants and can). That said, I am not by any means putting down the fact that you opted out as a BM because you do not have the financial means - it must have been a very difficult choice to make since she is obviously a good friend of yours and you care for her! Have you considered the possibility that your invitation got lost in the mail - while that is unlikely, it IS a possibility. Why not call your friend's mom to inquire about the shower? Or you can always send a gift if you like and then after the shower speak to her and just be completely honest - tell her that you 100% want to be her friend and don't want to let her down, but that you had to step down because there was no way with your current financial situation that you would be able to be there for her as a bridesmaid the same way she was there for you.