Would you tell?

During our monthly girls-night-out, my friends and I had a pretty heated discussion. We eventually agreed to disagree, but couldn't help our friend in question.

Here's the deal-a good friend of ours went through a pretty painful, difficult divorce years ago. Shortly after her divorce, she reunited with an old flame. I don't think they planned on restarting a relationship-it seemed like it was purely a physical 'rebound' sort of thing. As a result, she got pregnant.

After much soul searching, she decided to have an abortion. Never told the old flame, just did it and moved on.

Forward to today-she's happily married and she and DH are very actively trying to conceive. She's fine with discussing abortion with her OB/GYN...it's telling her DH of her past that is troubling her.

Would you tell?

I, personally, am very open and honest with my DH. I think I'd tell him. All of this happened in the distant past-before she met her DH. I'd just feel better without any secrets. Some of our friends say no, don't tell. They see no need in bringing up the past and say that omission in not hiding something.

Just curious what everyone else thinks...

Honestly, it would depend on DH's view of abortions.

If he truly believes that it's the women's right to choose I would probably tell if it became an issue in that it affected the ability to conceive. Otherwise, it would be something I would like left in the past so unless their was a reason to tell him, I wouldn't tell.

If he is pro-life, I wouldn't at all.

Is your friend having any complications getting pregnant as a result of the abortion?

If it were me I would tell him.


Sometimes when you hide things they come back to haunt you.

I do believe in the fact that DH does not need to know EVEYTHING about your past i.e- your sexual escapades in detail- that IMO is TMI.

However there are certain things I would feel awful not coming clean about. I would risk the disappointment he may feel, but I would feel better knowing I told him. I am one of those people who has a guilty conscious so omitting info like that is not an option for me.

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Posted by cooky11111

If they are having problems TTC and it is do to the abortion then I would tell him.

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Same here. Not otherwise.

I would tell b/c it could come back to haunt her and then things could get worse

I think its a tough call...being that I have never had an abortion...I have never experienced the emotions (pain...sadness...guilt...etc) that go along with the event...

I think what is important is that you support her in her decision to tell or not to tell...

if it does come back later - support her then...

I just don't think it is a decision that anyone but her should make...


JMHO

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Posted by nrvbrd

Is your friend having any complications getting pregnant as a result of the abortion?

If it were me I would tell him.


Sometimes when you hide things they come back to haunt you.

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So true. She needs to be honest with him.

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Posted by nrvbrd

I do believe in the fact that DH does not need to know EVEYTHING about your past i.e- your sexual escapades in detail- that IMO is TMI.

However there are certain things I would feel awful not coming clean about. I would risk the disappointment he may feel, but I would feel better knowing I told him. I am one of those people who has a guilty conscious so omitting info like that is not an option for me.

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Exactly!!! It would be hard, but I'd tell.

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Posted by ChristineC68

Honestly, it would depend on DH's view of abortions.

If he truly believes that it's the women's right to choose I would probably tell if it became an issue in that it affected the ability to conceive. Otherwise, it would be something I would like left in the past so unless their was a reason to tell him, I wouldn't tell.

If he is pro-life, I wouldn't at all.

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I agree. I can see myself telling Jim everything and pretty much have. We have an open and honest relationship. I do not however have the kind of baggage this woman does.

She's been married, hurt, divorced, back with an old flame, pregnant, through an abortion, found love again and married. That's a lot! Given that, I can see her desire to keep this one thing out of the open. If the OB/GYN knows and doesnt feel it's causing the problem with TTC then I see no reason to tell him either. Not only will it shock him, it has no bearing on what's going on now and worse, it shows she's been hiding something for this long (what else could she have been hiding).

That's a tough call. Opens too many doors for doubts and who knows what else.

However, if this has a direct impact on her TTC (which it did for my aunt, she had one abortion and is barren). Then I think he deserves to know. But I can also see her trying her damnest to conceive first, if possible. If all other options fail and it's just blantant no child will ever come, theres a time when you have to be honest. No need to make the man suffer, thinking it's him or making him pity her for some other reason.

This is just MY OWN OPINION.

Honest though.. this is sensitive and a really tough call. My heart goes out to her. There just is NO easy answer.

Just a thought to throw out there:

If she doesn't tell him, and it gets to a point where she can't conceive due to the abortion and then she has to tell him...
Wouldn't it seem she had been lying all that time? or keeping something that could impact their effort to TTC????

Thanks for all of the thoughtful insight, ladies.

I guess the important thing is for us girls to stop arguing about it and realize we need to support her whatever she decides.

I think that we were all so gung-ho about getting our points across that we forgot that we have a friend who's been through so much and needs lots of TLC.

She and DH have just decided to TTC...we should probably put our effort into sending baby dust her way.

Thanks again

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Posted by jlf41

ALMOST NEVER does an abortion affect TTC. However, having said that, I have been in the position as a medical provider where a woman has not told her husband something about her sexual past (STD, abortion, etc...) and it has come up in the labor and delivery room making for a very awkward situation. While it is completely unprofessional to discuss a woman's medical history in front of her friend or mother who may be in the delivery room, almost no one would hesitate to do it in front of the husband. Just something for your friend to think about.

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This is why I say- some things come back to haunt you.

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Posted by jlf41

ALMOST NEVER does an abortion affect TTC. However, having said that, I have been in the position as a medical provider where a woman has not told her husband something about her sexual past (STD, abortion, etc...) and it has come up in the labor and delivery room making for a very awkward situation. While it is completely unprofessional to discuss a woman's medical history in front of her friend or mother who may be in the delivery room, almost no one would hesitate to do it in front of the husband. Just something for your friend to think about.

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See - this is why it is so great to have Jessica's and Tammy's professional advice available to us on LIW!