Xpost- Fair Fighting
I just read this on LIfamilies and thought it was worth sharing:
Its from a recent blog by Dr. Crew Lauterbach -- I think its simply and wonderfully put:
I have come up with a list of what I would consider 'fair fighting rules' that both partners need to agree to and adhere to. These are merely suggestions and I believe that each couple needs to come up with their own set of rules for their own relationship. Please feel free to borrow mine(ours!).
1) Keep all disagreements ONLY about what it is that you are actually disagreeing about not other topics of disagreement or situations.
2) Do not allow or engage in personal insults and name calling. This causes contempt and anger to fester. You can't really take it back. It will really always be there. And it hurts for a long time.
3) When one partner wants to stop discussing a particular topic it needs to be dropped for the time being.
4) REALLY LISTEN to your partner's thoughts and feelings rather than to be more concerned with your own point of view. When you are interrupting; you can't be listening. Take turns expressing your views.
5) Watch your tone and body language. It communicates more than your actual words.
6) Agree to disagree. If you are beginning to repeat yourself and your partner is doing the same thing then it's obvious that this conversation cannot move further at this point in time. Stop beating the dead horse. When we repeat ourselves over and over and over, it becomes redunDUNdant! Plus, we're now 'nagging'.
7) Accept that it may be that you may not ever agree on a particular subject. Sometimes, it's best to drop it and accept these differences.
8) Express love even when you feel anger and frustration. The foundation of your relationship is more important than having to be right.
9) Agree as to when and if you are both fully prepared to have a conversation where you disagree. Many fights get out of hand due to the fact that one or both partners really doesn't want to talk at that time.
10) Drop the defensiveness and try and see how what you said or did that may have contributed to the problem.
11) Use softer language and avoid superlative statements and words like 'always' or 'never'.
12) End arguments and disagreements in a loving and kind way rather than to walk away or not agree to continue at another time.
13) Avoid any use of sarcasm. It hurts.
14) Understand what a COMPROMISE is. The true definition is when BOTH parties give up something they want so that they can be better together.
15) Keep fights and disagreements private. Never have one in front of children or family members. Keep relationship fights out of your conversations with friends. Keep them for discussion with your therapist. You can share with friends and family that you and your partner had a problem, but never allow yourself to tell the details to others. It will almost always come back to bite you!
16) Be sure of your INTENTIONS when you speak. Do not use words to intentionally hurt or harm your partner. When you seek to hurt them, you are actually hurting yourself as well. You're a TEAM!
17) Don't make any major decisions about the relationship while you are angry. One cannot think and make these decisions when one is full of emotion.
18) Take a break and just sit silently and hold hands. It changes everything and puts things in true perspective.
19) A wonderful question: 'What can I do to make you feel better?'
20) Drop all demands. Use language that communicates what you want, not insist upon. You're NOT a dictator.
Its from a recent blog by Dr. Crew Lauterbach -- I think its simply and wonderfully put:
I have come up with a list of what I would consider 'fair fighting rules' that both partners need to agree to and adhere to. These are merely suggestions and I believe that each couple needs to come up with their own set of rules for their own relationship. Please feel free to borrow mine(ours!).
1) Keep all disagreements ONLY about what it is that you are actually disagreeing about not other topics of disagreement or situations.
2) Do not allow or engage in personal insults and name calling. This causes contempt and anger to fester. You can't really take it back. It will really always be there. And it hurts for a long time.
3) When one partner wants to stop discussing a particular topic it needs to be dropped for the time being.
4) REALLY LISTEN to your partner's thoughts and feelings rather than to be more concerned with your own point of view. When you are interrupting; you can't be listening. Take turns expressing your views.
5) Watch your tone and body language. It communicates more than your actual words.
6) Agree to disagree. If you are beginning to repeat yourself and your partner is doing the same thing then it's obvious that this conversation cannot move further at this point in time. Stop beating the dead horse. When we repeat ourselves over and over and over, it becomes redunDUNdant! Plus, we're now 'nagging'.
7) Accept that it may be that you may not ever agree on a particular subject. Sometimes, it's best to drop it and accept these differences.
8) Express love even when you feel anger and frustration. The foundation of your relationship is more important than having to be right.
9) Agree as to when and if you are both fully prepared to have a conversation where you disagree. Many fights get out of hand due to the fact that one or both partners really doesn't want to talk at that time.
10) Drop the defensiveness and try and see how what you said or did that may have contributed to the problem.
11) Use softer language and avoid superlative statements and words like 'always' or 'never'.
12) End arguments and disagreements in a loving and kind way rather than to walk away or not agree to continue at another time.
13) Avoid any use of sarcasm. It hurts.
14) Understand what a COMPROMISE is. The true definition is when BOTH parties give up something they want so that they can be better together.
15) Keep fights and disagreements private. Never have one in front of children or family members. Keep relationship fights out of your conversations with friends. Keep them for discussion with your therapist. You can share with friends and family that you and your partner had a problem, but never allow yourself to tell the details to others. It will almost always come back to bite you!
16) Be sure of your INTENTIONS when you speak. Do not use words to intentionally hurt or harm your partner. When you seek to hurt them, you are actually hurting yourself as well. You're a TEAM!
17) Don't make any major decisions about the relationship while you are angry. One cannot think and make these decisions when one is full of emotion.
18) Take a break and just sit silently and hold hands. It changes everything and puts things in true perspective.
19) A wonderful question: 'What can I do to make you feel better?'
20) Drop all demands. Use language that communicates what you want, not insist upon. You're NOT a dictator.
