A friendly notice about tragic posts

My wife is pregnant. The LI Weddings website was the greatest discovery she made in planning our wedding. It continues to be a great source of information and support in our endeavors--particularly in our newest adventure of planning a family. Hearing about the joys of members gives my wife great pleasure. Sharing in members' sorrows while sad is also comforting to my wife since she knows she can be there as a shoulder to cry on or to help in dealing with the pain. Also, she realizes that she would have a group of caring people to be there for her if God forbid something happened.

However, she has advised me of recent posts detailing tragedies to friends, co-workers and acquaintances of members of LIW. While I have the utmost sympathy for these unfortunate people, I feel these stories of friends of friends can be harmful to worried pregnant moms. By all means, she wants to be there for members in their lives. But these additional stories about acquaintances and persons not involved in LIW should be posted with caution. I read of some poor member who was prompted to rent a heartbeat monitor as a result of a 'friend' story.

I am not attempting to censor the population of LIW. All those who are going through dificulties or who know others going through difficulties have my best hopes for future happiness. I understand that there is no malice intended in these messages and reiterate my enthusiasm for this forum and LIW. This is just a friendly reminder as to who the audience is for these threads... particularly paranoid future moms and paranoid future dads like me.

I just wanted to say thank you for posting. It is certainly true that more often than not, the stories posted about friends/co-workers are quite scary. We rarely hear happy stories about non-board members, just the awful tragedies. If there was more of a balance it wouldn't be such an issue, but as it is now, it can make pregnancy seem disproportionately difficult.

On the other hand, often these stories are coming from pregnant woman active on the boards who are fearful for themself, and sharing the story can be therapeutic. So, I wouldn't want someone who needs to share to cope to feel like they can't say whats on their mind. I guess the key for balance is to make the post about the board member -- ie. 'I heard that x happened, and its made me fearful.' Then we can focus on comforting the community member, which is very positive!

i'm not a mom yet but i understand what you are saying. however, i do know that since pregnancy, childbirth and parenting really don't come with manuals, often the women on here post b/c they are also trying to warn about things that mothers to be may not be aware of. and this forum is filled with member who have been together since engagements, that peopel feel so comfortable with one another by the time the pregnancy stage of life has begun that they will seek out the prayers, condolences, reassurance and friendship of those one here.
i think it is wonderful you are looking out for you wife. but i swear, nobody on here is looking to make this experience scarier than it is.

I commend your post and though you have a valid concern I must say that unfortunately not all pregnancies are 'glowing'. I counsel (volunteer work)pregnant women with high risk pregnancies and just had a friend who experieinced loss and though I have experience I still am at a loss for words. This board is an outlet for many. And the thing about pregnancy is that it is different for all women and the stories and concerns..good or bad can help others. As a mom who had the worst pregnancy known to man I must say that I learned alot from women sharing their pain and when certain symptoms happened I called my doctor ASAP due to recognizing ailments that another mom went through..so though it can be scary..it definitely can serve a bigger good.

A blessed and safe pregnancy to you and your wife.

Dadtobe you bring up interesting points. However not so long ago someone posted about how one of their friends toddler died in a freak accident at home. It turns out the child tried to use the drawers on a large dresser as a ladder, unfortunately the large dresser wasn't mounted to the wall and the dresser fell on the toddler and killed her, while her parents were asleep in the next room. I honestly believe that post will help prevent another accident. Prior to reading that post I and many other parents were unaware of that as a potential danger. I remember what it is like to pregnant and believe me your fears get more intense once your baby is born. I feel if the post has a learning experience from it should be posted regardless if it is happy or sad.

Just my 2 cents. .

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Posted by Florenze

Dadtobe you bring up interesting points. However not so long ago someone posted about how one of their friends toddler died in a freak accident at home. It turns out the child tried to use the drawers on a large dresser as a ladder, unfortunately the large dresser wasn't mounted to the wall and the dresser fell on the toddler and killed her, while her parents were asleep in the next room. I honestly believe that post will help prevent another accident. Prior to reading that post I and many other parents were unaware of that as a potential danger. I remember what it is like to pregnant and believe me your fears get more intense once your baby is born. I feel if the post has a learning experience from it should be posted regardless if it is happy or sad.

Just my 2 cents. .

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Very good point.

Being one of the woman who have posted about a pregnancy tragedy, I feel the boards are for sharing happy and sad stories. The only way to learn or find out if someone else has gone through what you are going through is by communication. On the boards, the communication comes with posting. I myself find it too emotional at times to read, but I would rather hear about the good and the bad to help myself be prepared for what may lie ahead. While still dealing with my own personal tragic situation which still has no conclusion, I am comforted by the women on LIW who have given me words of comfort and letting me know I am in their prayers. Just as the women posting about their tragedies and worries about their pregnancies are in my thoughts and good wishes. Pregnancy is not all about a growing tummy and happy days. I truly wish it were and not the fact that I spend each and every day wondering if I can make it to a point where I can deliver my baby to survival.
I do wish you and your wife a wonderful pregnancy. And a healthy and happy baby.

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Posted by Dooodles

.... The only way to learn or find out if someone else has gone through what you are going through is by communication.

......I would rather hear about the good and the bad to help myself be prepared for what may lie ahead.

..... Pregnancy is not all about a growing tummy and happy days.

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i completely agree. although we are not TTC, i do visit the parenting boards to read and learn from what others have experienced. although it is devastating to hear/read of the tragic experiences, it allows us all to learn and grow.

perhaps in the future, you and your DW should be selective when reading threads. the post subject should provide an indication of the thread tone.

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Posted by dadtobe

My wife is pregnant. The LI Weddings website was the greatest discovery she made in planning our wedding. It continues to be a great source of information and support in our endeavors--particularly in our newest adventure of planning a family. Hearing about the joys of members gives my wife great pleasure. Sharing in members' sorrows while sad is also comforting to my wife since she knows she can be there as a shoulder to cry on or to help in dealing with the pain. Also, she realizes that she would have a group of caring people to be there for her if God forbid something happened.

However, she has advised me of recent posts detailing tragedies to friends, co-workers and acquaintances of members of LIW. While I have the utmost sympathy for these unfortunate people, I feel these stories of friends of friends can be harmful to worried pregnant moms. By all means, she wants to be there for members in their lives. But these additional stories about acquaintances and persons not involved in LIW should be posted with caution. I read of some poor member who was prompted to rent a heartbeat monitor as a result of a 'friend' story.

I am not attempting to censor the populationI of LIW. All those who are going through dificulties or who know others going through difficulties have my best hopes for future happiness. I understand that there is no malice intended in these messages and reiterate my enthusiasm for this forum and LIW. This is just a friendly reminder as to who the audience is for these threads... particularly paranoid future moms and paranoid future dads like me.

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I TOTALLY agree with you. Just recently someone posted on the parenting boards about a woman who miscarried in her 5th month, the post was askng for prayers, I think the NWR would be appropriate for those type of posts, us preggos don't need any other stressors. It is one thing if it is educational, but to ask for prayers and not give to entire story just makes me a little unnerved. Maybe those posts can go on the TTC board. Or...maybe 'Prayers needed' board can be created.

A prayers needed post will be a great idea but I still dont think that will solve the preggos on here who have teh misfortune of miscarrying..they need support the same way someone who is having a healthy pregnancy does too. Just a thought.

ETA: My friend who miscarried 2 days ago was in the world of denial. She so wanted a perfect pregnancy and shielded herself from anything negative..unfortunately when the signs came she did not recognize them. So although the information is sensative I think that it can be great to know in case your 'perfect' pregnancy changes. Not saying it will but I know that having not read and watched everything positive or negative..fear was there but also a calm of knowing what I could do ..just in case.

I think a prayers board would be great, it would help a lot of people.

I know there are some upsetting posts on this board, but in defense of them, most of the time you can tell by the subject line what the post is about. If it seems like something that might be upsetting it is probably a good idea to not read it.

Or, if you start reading a post and it is upsetting to you, oyu can stop reading it.

Just my two cents, that's what I do...

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Posted by michele31

While these stories are tragic at times...often the women posting them are looking for prayers for their friends, reassurance, and sometimes the LIW member is truly sad about their friends/co-worker's experience. So yes, it is hard to sometimes read but at the same time we are all here for one other and if a friend is hurting and one of us needs help with that then we post. Always remember that you don't need to read every post. If a member is feeling sad or vunerable one day then they can skip over certain 'sad' posts....that is always an option.

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I totally agree and couldnt have said this better myself, most times it is for prayers
well said, Michele

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Posted by Florenze

Dadtobe you bring up interesting points. However not so long ago someone posted about how one of their friends toddler died in a freak accident at home. It turns out the child tried to use the drawers on a large dresser as a ladder, unfortunately the large dresser wasn't mounted to the wall and the dresser fell on the toddler and killed her, while her parents were asleep in the next room. I honestly believe that post will help prevent another accident. Prior to reading that post I and many other parents were unaware of that as a potential danger. I remember what it is like to pregnant and believe me your fears get more intense once your baby is born. I feel if the post has a learning experience from it should be posted regardless if it is happy or sad.

Just my 2 cents. .

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I agree. I think although sometimes things are frightening to hear it makes us more wheary of things we may not have paid attention to otherwise. Although myself included can become nerodic(my spelling is horrible sorry)from hearing things but I feel better that then having to post about an unfortunate event that happens to me or my children. JMO though

I think this brings up a very interesting and sensitive topic. And let me start off by saying that my heart goes out to anyone who has lost a baby or a child. While they are upseting posts to read and I wish nobody ever went through it, it's one of the things that I love about LIW...it's a place to be happy and have a 'shoulder' to cry on also.

I have to agree with dadtobe about posting about others that are not LIW members. Pregnancy and TTC is so stressful and moms to be have enough to worry about. I often feel like almost everytime I log on to the Parenting or TTC board there's a tragic story. I can understand when it's a LIW member posting about something horrible that happened to them but I often wonder why someone would post about friends. I can understand people who are not pregnant and if they have a friend or sister who is pregnant and they don't understand something. But I for one don't like reading all of the tragedies either. A lot of times it is just a painful reminder of how common miscarriage is. And when I was pregnant it was frightening to me to see how many people miscarry. YOu always hear the numbers but it's another thing when you see it a couple of times a week on the boards you visit. I hope this is coming out ok because I am not at all trying to be insensitive to the girls of LIW that have gone through a miscarriage so please do not take it that way. I am just agreeing with the point that it can be a frightful reminder to those that are pregnant.

I appreciate the stories of dangers...like the story about the dresser I have learned a lot from some horror stories as well.

I am a big believer in not opening a post if the subject line is something that would bother me. But when the subject line is someone lost their baby you really don't need to open the post to get upset about it.

Maybe LIW should create a prayers needed or a going through a difficult time board. That just might help.

And I would just like to add that I was so happy when I read the responses back that nobody attacked dadtobe for sharing his concerns. I love reading the posts where people can share their opinions without getting nasty.