Ok I'll try to make this short and to the point. (If possible) We pay rent and live with my FHs father. Well, I had asked FHs father to close his door because it was really smokey. I had to go to work and he was going to be watching my son all day. He was also watching his other grandson who is 6 months. My FSIL was in the room with her baby when I asked him to close the door. That really made me mad that she would have him in a room that young with all that is proven today about second hand smoke. Also made me mad that I had to work and my son was going to be in the smokey house. Well he closed the door in my face. No... I'm sorry or I didn't realize. I think he thought I was doing it to make him look bad in front of FSIL. That was not the case. I didn't like the idea of them in the house around all the smoke. Later that night I called my mom and vented to her. He recored my call to her. He used a police scanner and tape recored the whole thing. Can you believe that? So I have not spoke to him since the end of December. He talks to my FH but we ignore eachother. I will not talk to him untill he apologizes. What he did was wrong and against the law. Since it's getting close to the wedding I am getting nervous. How do I have this man at my wedding? Please can anyone give me some advice? How can I forgive what he did?
marymoon
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
OMG! That's so uncalled for. Look, it's up to your FH to settle things, since its his dad. I mean, if you're so angry at what he did, and ti WAS wrong, why is FH still talking to him? I'd consider that a big problem. I think you need to talk to FH about everything being straightend out and wheterht o ahve this man at your wedding.
hsdfl
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Fh says to just let it go because we are moving out after the wedding. Then we don't have to have him in our lives. He really only says hello and here's the rent etc. Nothing like they use to be. They use to talk a lot about everything. The sad part is my son doesn't have a grandpa anymore.
marymoon
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
I think you should talk to FH. I think hes in denail and afraid to confront his family. is that possible? My FH is very apssive sometimes about his family. I woudl talk to him about how you feel and that you're not content with ignoring it, because it really won't ever go away, and it just gets more complicated with children in the picture who will want to know why grandpa isn;t around. The only way to get to a solution is to have a ehart to heart with FH and convince him that something nees to be done to resolve the situation because if he thinks it's just gonna go away, he's really wrong. JMO
hsdfl
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Well, FH is going to have to make a decision. Talk to his dad and clear this whole thing up or not have him at his wedding. We have been together for 10 years and we are finally getting married! I am not going to have my day ruined with him there under these conditions. FH tried saying his father is going to look like the fool at the wedding because he is not talking to me and everyone knows the circumstances but I don't want him there if he is not talking to me. Why should I apologize when I was the one wronged. Ahhhh it's so frustrating!
marymoon
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
I agree completely! He definitely has to make a choice. You don't deserve this stree on your wedding day. You had a right to be concerned about you sons health and safety, and what he did was completely rude, wrong and illegal. You don't owe him anything and it's up to FH to make sure this problem doens't follow you to your wedding day and beyond. You deserve to have a beautiful, stree free wedding, with or without these people.
hsdfl
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Thank you so much for your opinions! I really need to hear opinions from people that aren't in the family. I have been feeling like I am the one doing someting wrong. Again, Thank you!
marymoon
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Anytime, Holly. I have problems with my FIL's too, and it gets really frustrating, but ultimately it's not in your power. There are certian things you can try to get Fh to do. And whether he does or he doens't, for your own sanity, you have to decide not to take other people's BS and let it ruin your life. Because chances are if it is making you miserable now, it will always unless something changes. Good Luck! I'm sure your FH will stand by your side and everything will be great on your wedding day and forever, with or without them!
leahmarie
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
I myself have been in a very similar situation. My fiance and I live in a mother/daughter house with his dad and his dad's girlfriend living upstairs. We had a huge fight last May, after they totally did not invite my family to our engagement party. It was to be a joint effort between the 2 families.(All of my family lives in Iowa) Last minute he didn't like what he 'thought' was going on, and decided to call it a 'family' party. I didn't speak to them for months, and I felt very weird. Finally, FH had words with him, and he apologized. Future father, said it was miscommunication. Honestly, we cannot wait to move, it is so hard living with family. I wish you the best!!
FLaCaTaCa
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
That is such a messed up thing to do. I would let FH deal with it as well. Have him be the middle man. I don't know if I would just ignore it until after the wedding though. It wasn't something petty it is actually pretty serious!! Good Luck!!
bxgell2
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
FYI... what he did is 100% ILLEGAL... someone should tell him before he really gets himself into trouble!
september2004
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
move out. get the child away from the smoke.
neesiepie
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
what he did was totally unexcusable. God only knows how many OTHER PRIVATE conversations he has recorded without your knowledge! This man has no respect for you, or your privacy. I would talke to HIM about it. The problem is between him and YOU...I would talk to him and take it from there. SOMEONE has to be the adult, and obviously, he doesnt have the guts to do it. Do it for your kid...then move out ASAP. He just seems really disrespectful to me.
sophie78
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
FYI: it's not illegal to tape someone's phone calls. it's just illegal to use it in court. (i think)
hsdfl
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
He just walks right past me, Doesn't look at me or say Hi. My son always says Hi Grandpa we are doing this or going here. He says that's nice and walks away. Can you beleive this man. I have said Hi on a few occasions but all I get is a mumbled hello. Grow up! This man has problems. He has been in my room looking through my papers, bills etc. I am going to get a spy cam. Maybe if FH sees him looking through our stuff he'll realize that this man invades every aspect of our privacy! My FH is away on a business trip. When he gets back he has some serious talking to do with his Dad. I will let you know how it goes.
Bebalina
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Posted by hsdfl
Fh says to just let it go because we are moving out after the wedding. Then we don't have to have him in our lives. He really only says hello and here's the rent etc. Nothing like they use to be. They use to talk a lot about everything. The sad part is my son doesn't have a grandpa anymore.
i agreee
juju
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
So sorry to hear what you are going through!! I would be so upset. The first thing you need to do is get a phone that is not cordless. That way he cannot hear you through the scanner. I am such a private person that I would flip over this. Good Luck
nferrandi
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
This situation sucks! I'm so soory you're going through it and that you're stuck living with this man for now. I think if your FH isn't handling the situation better than maybe you need to deal with it yourself. Go and talk to him about your concerns about your privacy and your son losing his grandpa. It's not easy for men, as we all know, to suck it up and admit when they're wrong. (men, don't take any offense! lol!) I think not inviting him to the wedding should be a last resort. He is still, and always will be, FH's father and your son's grandfather. Though you may not be the cause of the problem, you can definitley play a role in making the problem worse by not inviting him. I really think you should clear the air and try to repair some of the damage before it's really too late. I don't think you should have to chase after this man, he shold come to you, but since that obviously isn't going to happen, just try to talk it out for your FH and son's sake. If he's still a jerk, you can feel like you did more than your share to improve things and you can walk away and never look back.
neesiepie
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Posted by nferrandi
This situation sucks! I'm so soory you're going through it and that you're stuck living with this man for now. I think if your FH isn't handling the situation better than maybe you need to deal with it yourself. Go and talk to him about your concerns about your privacy and your son losing his grandpa. It's not easy for men, as we all know, to suck it up and admit when they're wrong. (men, don't take any offense! lol!) I think not inviting him to the wedding should be a last resort. He is still, and always will be, FH's father and your son's grandfather. Though you may not be the cause of the problem, you can definitley play a role in making the problem worse by not inviting him. I really think you should clear the air and try to repair some of the damage before it's really too late. I don't think you should have to chase after this man, he shold come to you, but since that obviously isn't going to happen, just try to talk it out for your FH and son's sake. If he's still a jerk, you can feel like you did more than your share to improve things and you can walk away and never look back.
I agree 100%. Well said!
hsdfl
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Re: A future In law problem (long)
Thanks so much for all of your advice. This is going to be hard but it needs to be talked about. I feel a lot better after hearing all of your opinions!
