a guest list conundrum

So, the question is: should I invite the following person and her beau of 3 years.

Here's the deal-

We're struggling to keep it at 200 and not doing so great in that struggle. Both FW and I are pretty social people and have a lot of family and friends. And while I don't have one of those really large families, I found out in doing this list that it is definitely bigger than I thought. To try and cut down the numbers, we decided against inviting my second cousins.

Except:

1 second cousin of mine. Here are the details on her:

1) I used to be fairly close to her several years ago
2) When she had a really teeny tiny wedding in 2001, i was the only member of the extended family invited. I only ended up missing it because I was severely jetlagged from my band's germany gigs.
3) In the last several years, we haven't really talked or been in touch all that much.

I'm really no longer close to her, although I do _like_ her. but there are other second cousins I like that I'm not inviting because our number (when including spouses and whanot) would probably jump up 30-40 people. Where is my obligation here? She DID invite me, instead of any other extended family, to her wedding 5 plus years ago. What do you folks think?

I totally sympathize (and empathize)--we're not inviting my second cousins from my grandfather's side because if we did, we'd have another 20 people, and that we cannot have.

We were invited to all of their weddings (between 5-10 years ago), and only attended the first one because it was in the area. We're not close at all, so we said no to inviting them. Their parents are invited, but though family may be family, our rule is, if we haven't spoken to or seen someone in at least two years, they're not invited.

The other issue we have is kids--rule is no kids under ten. If we invite one set of kids, we have to invite them all (and my 53 year old cousin had the nerve to go through his mother to ask if he could bring his three toddlers, but WHATever), and maybe that rule can apply to your second cousins as well?

Looking back, this is not terribly helpful, but I'm the practical one in my relationship (always looking at the budget), and it's hard, but you can only do what you can do.

---

Posted by laural2979

I would probably invite her since you were invited to her wedding. Can you get away with only inviting the one second cousin?

---

I agree with this...

Since she invited you, can you get away with inviting her and not inviting everyone else???

I hate this whole part of wedding planning--it's such a delicate subject!

I'm in similar situations with my friends. Like, I have been invited to their weddings, went and haven't spoken to them since. So do we invite them? I don't know!

My situation is different b/c it's friends not family. Will she be offended? Will all the other cousins be offended? Will great-aunts/uncles get offended if their kids aren't invited? Since you haven't spoken to her in a long time and you didn't attend her wedding, I'm partial to saying you don't have to invite her.

Its such a tricky situation b/c you don't want to offend anyone but at the same time, you never speak with her, so what's the point of inviting her besides family peace? Sometimes that's worth more than anything though. Good luck!

---

Posted by laural2979

I would probably invite her since you were invited to her wedding. Can you get away with only inviting the one second cousin?

---

I agree with Laural

---

Posted by rkl1130

---

Posted by laural2979

I would probably invite her since you were invited to her wedding. Can you get away with only inviting the one second cousin?

---

I agree with this...

Since she invited you, can you get away with inviting her and not inviting everyone else???

I hate this whole part of wedding planning--it's such a delicate subject!

---

Yeah, this is by FAR the worst wedding thing. I think I can get away with inviting her because she invited me, and many of my second cousins didn't when they got married (I don't hold it against them, especially now that I'm going through it). But it's still going to be pretty rough, especially when one of my dad's first cousins sent along addresses for their 20 something children (who I like a great deal, but don't really see them enough to feel like I had to invite them). She didn't do it maliciously, but I'm worried about backlash. Oy. Maybe I'll win megamillions between now and then and invite everyone, including all the folks on the liweddings boards!

--the stealth groom

Past bride checking in to answer . . .

Do you have to invite her? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Logic:

Just because you were invited to her wedding, does not automatically mean that she gets an invite to yours.

Since her wedding was teeny-tiny, it's obvious she understands costs etc, and would understand - especially if all 2nd cousins were excluded.

If you have really talked or been in touch lately, she should not in any way be offended. After all, I'm sure she too has noticed that the relationship isn't what it once was.

That said . . .

What's the reason you aren't that close anymore? Is it her marriage, is it your relationship with FW, or is it simply a matter of as we get older we drift away from certain people??

IF (and this is a big if) you want the friendship back to where it was a few years ago AND you think that after you are married you are going to be able to hold up your end AND you think she is going to hold up her end, by all means invite her.

One other thing . . . if she got married in 2001 when did she get divorced that she has a beau of 3 years??????????? And does that have anything to do with why you aren't close anymore? Or is that just a typo??

---

Posted by AlliCatB

---

Posted by laural2979

I would probably invite her since you were invited to her wedding. Can you get away with only inviting the one second cousin?

---

I agree with Laural

---

yes, I agree with Laura!

---

Posted by October Bliss

Past bride checking in to answer . . .

Do you have to invite her? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Logic:

Just because you were invited to her wedding, does not automatically mean that she gets an invite to yours.

Since her wedding was teeny-tiny, it's obvious she understands costs etc, and would understand - especially if all 2nd cousins were excluded.

If you have really talked or been in touch lately, she should not in any way be offended. After all, I'm sure she too has noticed that the relationship isn't what it once was.

That said . . .

What's the reason you aren't that close anymore? Is it her marriage, is it your relationship with FW, or is it simply a matter of as we get older we drift away from certain people??

IF (and this is a big if) you want the friendship back to where it was a few years ago AND you think that after you are married you are going to be able to hold up your end AND you think she is going to hold up her end, by all means invite her.

One other thing . . . if she got married in 2001 when did she get divorced that she has a beau of 3 years??????????? And does that have anything to do with why you aren't close anymore? Or is that just a typo??

---

lol Good eye, October Bliss. There's no real reason we're not close, I guess the closest thing to a reason is i'm not in the DC area anymore. It was a falling out of touch, but not a faling out. Nothing to do with her marriage (to a guy I liked) or her divorce or her new beau (who also seems nice enough). We just didn't stay in touch so much anymore. I think inviting her might get us to be back in touch again, but not so sure.

thanks for the imput!

--the stealth groom

I agree with the others.... If you were invited to her wedding, you should invite her to yours..... And I don't think it obligates you to tack on your whole extended family, since unlike this cousin, there is no wedding reciprocity with the rest of them...

I can empathize with you; this was such a struggle for us when making, and trimming the list.
The thing to think of is how important it is for her to see you be married.
Do you feel close to her right now? Do you want to be closer? Do you want to augment your future relationship?
These are all questions to ask. In the end it comes down to your gut and what you really feel about there to see you, and be a part of one of the most important days in your life.