a Michi question Re: love and its depth

So ladies my question was..since you are all married or engaged.. I was curious if the love you felt for ur 'first love' is a different 'love' then u feel for the man u r with now (obviously this does not apply if ur dh/fw is ur only love)

I ask this because when I first met my ex.. I was 19, he was 20...we broke up when i was 22, he 23... Now I know that when we first met, the minute I saw him it was like wowzzaaa and from moment one we clicked, and spent every waking minute together.. he was my 'first' guy, in that 'way' and b4 then I had never been in love..plus I was ina different place in my life..Like i didnt have work, or bills or life to worry about.. Obviously in those 3yrs we dated we both changed therefore we r not toegther anymore but I dont regret it cause it was truly the experience/love of my life..
anyways back to my question...i notice now when im dating.. its very different..my jadedness and maturity and just being who I am now, makes me look at dating/men/life soo differently then the naive girl I was back at 18 yrs old.. I go on a date with a guy and on date 1 or 2 or 3 I look at him like do I want to waste my time on this guy? Can I see him being someone I even wanna know on every level. Does he mentally stimulate me as well as make me wanna get naked (LOL) I just think back to when i was 19 and so naive and innocent and id melt just if a guy was hot--now its about obviously sooo much more.... Now when i date someone its not like ok do i think hes hot but..is he financially stable? do we have the same life goals? does he want children..

please dont take this to mean im sucking the fun out of dating, im not at all..i do have tons of fun but many of the men i feel r like 2 or 3 dates worthy and then that zest is gone b/c we just dont connect on a deeper level. My fear is I will never love someone to the same capacity that I loved my ex due to who I am today and what I have been threw..

Anyways girls i hope this remotely made sense, Im kinda rambling and honestly I am sorryi havent been on the boards much and now IM asking for advice--but you girls are THE BEST so i knew u could shed some light on how Im feeling..

::HUGS:: Michi

I think there is nothing wrong in feeling the way that you are. You are probably in a stage in your life were you are obviously more mature and you have more expectations of what a relationship should be. Just take things for what they are and have fun with it. Your right love will definitely come along.

I think what you're going through is TOTALLY natural and normal. When you're young (and you haven't been hurt as much by love) you look at it completely differently. I met Fh very young, but he's still so different than the 2 guys I dated before him.

For one example, the guy I was most serious about..I was CRAZY about him. I mena absolutely crazy. We were crazy about each other. I would have done anything for him, I totally let the realtinship get in the way of school, other frineds, etc. it was so all-absorbing. I just fell for him and hard. It was SO much fun, there was so much passion there in SO many ways. At 16 I sincerely thought I would marry this guy.

I'd have to say that although I had a boyfriend before him who I really cared about and had felt the pain of that, that this 2nd boyfriend was the one who really broke my heart and I wasn't the same after that at all.

I became a lot more cautious. I was a lot more conscious of my feelings for someone, feeling like it was sort of a liability to fall in love, that I had to guard myself and be careful. I started dating FH when I was 17, but even then, I really held back a lot and I was totally frightened of being hurt. He actually knew how hurt I was from my ex and he didn't make a move for many months for the same reason, so it actually took us a while to actually get together even though we both knew we liked each other for several months.

I think it's totally natural, Michi. There's NO love like your first love. The love you have when you're young is so much more innocent and free. It's really a great feeling, and I miss it sometimes, but it did make me do stupid things. I love FH but it's more rational, if that's the word. We did have those awesome times in the beginning of falling in love, and every once in awhile we fall in love all over again. So what you're feeling is TOTALLY natural (***** being a grown up sometimes, doesn't it?), but all hope is not lost. There's definitely passionate, fresh and new love out there!

ETA: about connecting on a 'deeper level'. When you were 18 or 19, your 'deeper level' wasn't nearly as deep as it is now. You didn't have the same bills, responsibilities and you didn't really have to think about your future with the guy. Love was all that matters. I think that's the biggest thing you learn from breaking up your first love...love isn't really ALL that matters. There are many other factors that can make or break a relationship

you girls are so awesome! ty for putting things into perspective and letting me know that im not losing my mind!!!

Oh Michi - I've SO missed your wonderful posts!

I personally think there are two types of love that you'll experience in your life: once while you are still growing up and learning who you are, and then again when you've reached a point in your life where you are comfortable with who you are, and that is why you love/are loved by your significant other.

In high school I was in love with my boyfriend for a while - but it wasn't the deeper emotional love I now share with my DH. Back then it was more innocent -we liked the same bands, hung out with the same people, dressed the same way, etc - but that was pretty much it. Looking back, I see that I was more in love with the IDEA of being in love, and I got to feel that way for a little bit with my boyfriend. But, we were just kids - and aside from some common interests, we were two completely different people when it came to the larger issues of goals, life plans, etc. He never appreciated me for who I really was, and did not respect me as a person - Once I realized that, I knew this wasn't love -but a sweet crush that unfortunately just deteriorated. It was a learning experience, and it taught me what love WASN'T - so I wasn't confusing infatuation/crushes with the real emotional commitment of love anymore.

Then I met DH and I started to really understand what it is to love another person completely. It went so much farther than just his gorgeous eyes and sexy deep voice with the New York accent, although that didn't hurt either! It was all the little things - the way he would ask about my sisters, the light and reassuring presence of his hand on mine as we drove back and forth from NJ to NY every weekend, the patience he displayed while guiding me slowly into a caring and loving relationship where I felt safe, his encouragement and support to follow my passions, whether it was driving two hours to Morristown to watch me act in my first play or reassuring my worries when I started my new job, all the times I needed to cry and he just held me... There's so much! Craig convinced me that love is real, and not a day has passed since that I've ever doubted or questioned his devotion :) We've both invested seven years of emotional work into our relationship - and over those years I've learned that love is NOT all sunshine and daisies - and that's what I first thought of love when I was younger.

So sorry to ramble on like this - I tend to babble on this subject because I feel so blessed with my DH :) I hope I helped you a little bit!

that was truly an awesome answer... thanks again girls.. i miss u all too--i cant say it enough and wish i was on liw more often. thank u for being so supportive and for this amazing advice as usual!!!! i knew i could come to you all!!!

Oh, Michi, you are soooo not alone!!!

I know the feeling well - the complete exhaustion of having given a relationship your all and then having it blow up in your face. I remember feeling like I didn't even want to take the time or energy it would take just to get to know someone again. A few of my friends were engaged and most others were in serious relationships and I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life completely alone! But, after I stopped beating myself up over the relationship that didn't work (which I hope you are NOT doing, because it's not your fault it didn't work out), I decided to just have fun. I was only 23 and I was so concerned about meeting someone and falling in love and getting married that it was getting in the way of my actually doing any of those things! So I decided I wasn't going to worry about meeting Mr. Right anymore and I wasn't going to analyze every date or phone call or whatever. And you know what, that's exactly when I met Seb.

I've said it before, but after our first date (which ended at 3am) he called me the next morning at work at 10am to ask me what I was doing that night. I just thought wow, this guy isn't playing any games. When it's right, everything will just fall into place. It shouldn't ever be difficult to see someone if you want to see them - that's my test to see if a relationship is working or now. If you make plans to get together and then he cancels or he can't see you because it's too much of a hassle to drive into the city, etc, etc, then it's just not worth your time. Does that make sense?

And I agree with all of the other girls here about what it means to be married. It's not just hugs and kisses....it's bills and mortgages and cooking dinner and doing the laundry. I mean some days just being in the same room with one another is hard work. I know you've heard it all before, I had too and it seemed so cliche...but having just been through a rough spot, I can definitely attest to the fact that it takes work. You have to want to make it work and the person you're with has to be totally worth it. So don't feel bad if you're thinking this guy isn't worth my time. If that even crosses your mind, then he's most likely not.

That said, when he is worth it, there may be rough spots, but you'll have this amazing sense of security and love that (hopefully) transcends all the everyday nonsense. One thing I will say about Seb is that he will never give up on me - and that's such a wonderful feeling. To know that there's someone out there that, no matter how awful you are to them or how difficult it gets, he always wants to be with you, to work it out, to spend his life with you. It's such a comforting thought.

Also, remember that a lot of us haven't been through any of this before either. I was just saying that we'll have been together for 5 years this July and this is the longest relationship either of us have ever had. When it comes down to it, neither one of us REALLY knows what we're doing...we're just finding our way, the only way we know how (to quote the Dukes of Hazard! ), it's a lot of trial and error - and yes, we've already gotten it wrong. But we're still together, so we must be doing something right!

Anyway, You'll find someone Michi! Don't worry about it, it will happen! I think your new job will help you in ways you never imagined and will allow you to have enough confidence in you - which is very contagious and very sexy! Don't compromise yourself and don't ever 'settle' because you're worried you'll spend your life alone. Someone is out there for you....there's a lid for every pot!