(a seriously long) BM vent

A while ago I asked one of my old friends to be a BM in my wedding. We've known each other since elementary school, lost touch as time went on and reconnected shortly before I got engaged. Amidst all the excitement and craziness, I realize I didn't think it over enough and made the decision too quickly to ask her. When I asked, she seemed surprised but happy and I was happy to have her on board. After that, we rarely spoke. I would leave voicemails, texts, emails, etc. and not get responses. She once texted and asked how the wedding planning was going and told me to let her know if she could help in any way. Then I didn't hear from her for a few months! About 2 months ago I emailed her again and pretty much said I need to either way whether you still want to be a part of the wedding. She responded by saying she didn't think I still wanted her to be because we don't speak much anymore but that she would love to be involved if I still wanted her to. At that point, what I wanted to say was, 'Let's call the whole thing off and no hard feelings.' Instead, what I said was, 'Of course, if you're still interested in being involved I would love to have you!' I sent a newsletter to all the BM's last week with info regarding the dress, the timeline of when to choose it, order it, pay for it, etc. All the girls responded to the newsletter and were super excited to pick out their dresses in the next couple of weeks. This particular BM, however, has STILL not even acknowledged receiving it! This evening I resorted to sending her a message on FACEBOOK, of all correspondence options, and asked her if she received the newsletter and is OK with all of the dress details. Now I'm awaiting a response but I'm just upset with myself for having such a disinterested and uninvolved friend in my wedding. I don't really know what to expect when she writes back and the more I think about, the more I realize that she has no place in my wedding and really isn't that close of a friend anymore. Ugh, I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading

maybe shes just waiting for you to let her off the hook??? i would just be honest with her, i know its hard, and difficult to face that kind of a conflict.....but this is your day that you'll remember and you shouldnt have to stress over this......if shes truly a friend she will agree that she doesnt belong there......thats the best i can offer you hon....i hope you work out something that makes you happy

If she doesn't get back to you soon, then you should tell her that the deadline is up and she should have responded. I am totally understanding that people have their own lives and busy schedules but when they say yes to being in your wedding, they really should be there for you. Saying yes to being in a wedding party doesn't mean just showing up that day.....you have to be a part of the process. If she doesn't have time for that, then she should do the right thing and back out because she is holding up your plans.

Maybe you can kindly say that it seems like she is very busy and there will be no hard feelings if she can't commit to being in the wedding party.

tell her one of the groomsman dropped out and you since you asked her last you have to ask her if she wouldnt mind not being a bridesmaid. because by the sound of it she doesnt want to be one anyway.

That's a really tough situation, but I can completely understand.

To play devil's advocate, what's this girl's financial situation? Can she not afford to be a BM and is just too embarassed or proud to admit it?

I was in a similar situation myself recently. I ended up having to back out of a party for this reason. I think you should get her on the phone and maybe just try to let her off the hook, she might jump at it.

Girls, thanks so much for the responses and the advice. I've been really down about this... I'll wait for her 'facebook' response and if I don't get one I guess I'll just call her and thank her for agreeing to be a part of the bridal party but tell her that I think it'll be easier for everyone if she weren't involved.

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Posted by coldasice217

That's a really tough situation, but I can completely understand.

To play devil's advocate, what's this girl's financial situation? Can she not afford to be a BM and is just too embarassed or proud to admit it?

I was in a similar situation myself recently. I ended up having to back out of a party for this reason. I think you should get her on the phone and maybe just try to let her off the hook, she might jump at it.

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To answer your question, her financial situation isn't great (she's a student). I knew that going into this but I did inform her of ALL the costs involved. She said she was more than willing to take on the financial responsibility. I didn't want to put her in a situation where she felt she had to say yes so I told her I completely understood if - for financial reasons, time constraints, or both - she couldn't be a part of the wedding. I just wish, if these were the reasons she's being so flaky, she would have been more honest about them in the first place. But I understand why she might not want to admit it.